I am done sacrificing all of life's pleasures for the sake of productivity

[Peridot]

I'm sure like most of you, I really don't even really know where to start. If I attempted to frame my  decade long issue with adderall into one sitting I could probably write a novel. I'm still trying to figure out if the chicken or the egg came first - did adderall create my problems, or did my messed up family create problems that I tried to fix with adderall?

 

My parents are very narcissistic and not empathetic in the slightest. When I did well in elementary school, I was only given praise (or really any attention) from my nanny; and when I became a teenager, my parents' fragile egos could not handle that I was attempting to become an individual. Around age 14 my father began to relentlessly focus on me while my mom started to ignore me because she was jealous of the attention from my dad I was getting. He tried to pick my group of friends, he had to approve of what clothes I was going to wear, and he even made me get on a scale in front of him and recorded my weight weekly. Every time I even displayed the slightest teenage want for independence, he sent my mom on psychiatrist hunts for someone who could 'fix' me.

 

By the time I was 16, I was diagnosed with depression, bipolar disorder, and finally ADHD. I thought that first little orange and white XR pill was going to be hogwash like the rest of the pills they slung at me, but I will never forget that first feeling when it kicked in: I finally felt like I may have the elixir that could get me out of the clutches of my parents and maybe even make me popular and liked. My parents are so stupid, they thought (and they still do think) that a pill automatically cures everything. I was never allowed to do homework in my bedroom, I had to do it in the living room with football blaring, just so my dad could say he 'supervised' me. No amount of adderall can make one succeed in such a toxic environment. My dad was also elated to see how much weight I had lost within the first month of being on it. I remember his exact words: 'Well at least one of my daughters is going to get a good husband someday. I'm so glad one of these quacks finally figured out what was wrong with you all along.' However, as soon as my parents discovered I had been ditching some classes and giving some of my pills to friends it became a witch hunt. My rebellious streak was pretty normal compared to the behavior of most of my peers, yet when the school notified my dad, he blew it way out of proportion and launched into a giant pity party for himself. He even tried to call my friends to personally BLAME them for being a bad influence on me and 'undoing' his parenting. He even tried to convince their parents to punish them and send them away to a treatment program like he decided to do with me. This is the moment my youth ended. My friends' parents no longer felt comfortable to come over to my house after they all discovered what a crazy weirdo he was, and everyone at school thought there really was something wrong with me since I was sent away to a residential treatment facility in another state. The saddest part of all of this was that when I went into treatment for my 'rebelliousness' and 'addiction', I had no idea what real addiction or a 'rock bottom' was. I sure learned quick what it sounded like at least, because after months of the staff grilling me to be more honest, I started to make stories up so they would leave me alone.

 

After spending 11 months isolated away with what was mostly teens like me who had parents with money to burn and no parenting skills, and a few actual 'bad' apples, I became completely dissociated from life. I returned home December of my senior year to an even lonelier prison: homeschooled, not allowed to drive, not allowed to hang out with any peers. While my classmates were having the most memorable months of their lives, I have little to no memory of those hellish months cooped up in the house like a prisoner.

 

To make matters worse, my dad began to focus on my weight again. At the treatment center and the months following of course I gained some weight. The way my dad looked at me with disgust made me believe I was an obese behemoth. Looking at pictures from then I was chubby at most. In my dad's own words: "Now I know you had a great time in treatment eating whatever you wanted with your friends, but I think its time we tackle that next monkey on your back." (Meaning my fat ) So then I was sent to a weight loss camp for several months. My dad made a deal with me that I would get to learn to drive once I got back to my pre-treatment center weight. Of course he kept adding stipulations to that agreement, like making me stay at the gym for hours, and having me take more homeschooling classes, and I ended up not being able to drive until I was 19. 

 

I know that was quite a long backstory, but I included it all because I can now see that my dad's neverending quest to fix me and make me perfect created huge self esteem and self image deficits, which are the perfect platform for an adderall addiction to blossom upon. As soon as I was able to drive I immediately went to the doctor, and voila, I once again possessed the pills that make me choose between success and happiness. At the time, adderall seemed like the only way I was going to ever be able to get out of my parents' toxic grip. I soared through community college and even transferred to one of the top universities in my state. Unfortunately, the youth of today have to work 10x harder than their parents did to achieve even a tenth of what they had. I'm really not surprised stimulants have soared in popularity the past few years. Its really quite ironic because many young adults who still live at home or work a low wage job are criticized for being lazy. They should really be applauded for making it through these tough times without taking medical meth to get through the day. I envy my peers who had reasonable parents that didnt give into the pharmaceutical industry.

 

Since I was 18, my life has been a continuous cycle that goes like this: Use and overuse adderall to achieve goals which only lead to higher expectations and stress, which eventually leads to burnout, and the cycle continues again. I wish someone had told me that socializing and making connections in college is far more important than what you learn in class. The kids who made Bs and Cs have some of the highest paid, most enjoyable careers because they could see already what the real world was going to think of your dumb GPA.

 

About a year ago, I got into another one of these self destructive cycles: I decided to get my teaching credential. I am not ashamed to say I only made it 4 months as a classroom teacher. I took on a special ed class thinking I could make a difference. The whole experience was pure hell. All of the instructional theory and laws I learned about were all thrown out the window due to the current climate of testing. Every single one of my students was medicated with stimulants, and seeing their effect on children has truly led me to see them for the POISON they are. None of them had any idea how to socialize with other children, all they wanted to do was fill in bubbles and organize things that did not need to be organized 10x a day. And since being on a stimulant is almost a precursor to being in school now, doctors hand it out like candy with unclear dosing directions. One of my students threw a 50 lb table across the room in anger.... I found out not long after that his mom was giving him adderall at NIGHT and in the morning!!! It was always very obvious when a student on campus became medicated. They become quiet, zombie like, very sensitive to sounds, and often became loners in the lunchroom and on the playground. How is this not a crime?

 

To any parents out there: the principal of your school may put on a very convincing face that he/she cares about your child's wellbeing. They do not. If they did, teachers would actually be able to work with your child, rather than filling out paperwork and testing all day. Your kid would not need to be 'medicated' because he would actually enjoy learning! I came to discover that being a modern day public school teacher is the same life as that of a lawyer. They can put on a performance and smile while being observed, but they are nearly all dead behind the eyes. For the first time in a very long time, I felt proud of myself when I quit. It was after the 3rd week of continuous testing; which means no recess, no talking in the cafeteria, no walking the halls (pretty much lockdown) that one of my students ripped up every test booklet in the room. As he did so, I sat calmly and watched (as interfering would have exacerbated his anger anyways). When he was done I gave him a hug and flat out honestly stated to him that those tests are a useless waste of trees anyways. I even got him to giggle about it a bit, apparently he was under the impression these tests were what imprisoned him in special education. It was at that moment I knew I could not be a modern day schoolteacher, because teaching requires true empathy and honesty. Inflated test scores and attendance rates have turned teachers into paperwork robots who watch kids complete (ahem copy off their friend's) worksheets and fill in bubbles correctly so a machine can grade it. I knew that after that incident, the administration was going to try and convince me to quit, so I actually stated when they sat me down in the principal's office    'Please save your politically correct spiel for whatever superintendent or useless mouthpiece you've got coming to see you next. I didn't become a teacher to test our children like guinea pigs in a lab.' I signed that paper and will never become an educator (paperwork filler outer) again.

 

Its been a couple months now since I quit, and I am now substitute teaching in another district. Most would turn their noses up at subbing, but I LOVE it so far. I actually get to work hands on with students again! I don't have to spend three hours a night filling out tedious paperwork. Now I am just trying to find stability (emotionally) again. Even though I sub 3 or more days a week, I feel like I am being lazy because i'm used to sitting in a chair pumping out reams of paper every day! Its so weird how people see subs as the lazy ones when we are actually on our feet the whole day walking around the classroom. I love not having to placate my students with the Magic School Bus on YouTube for an hour or two each day due to administration constantly needing me to check my e mail, attend useless meetings, and fill out administrative PAPERWORK.

 

By the end of my days teaching, I was taking adderall in the morning, xanax twice a day, and an ambien at night just to mentally survive. I swear the next time someone asks me why I don't want a full time job (which means every waking hour nowadays instead of 40 hours a week) anytime soon, or perhaps ever. I should just reply "Oh cool, i'm glad you think I could take on all that pressure! Maybe I wouldn't mind if you offered to pay all the doctor bills and copays for this cocktail of three medications, oh and it'd be great if you could pitch in a little towards all the therapy and treatment I'll need to get off of these someday!"

 

And that's all I have to say for now. Thank you so much for listening, this board has been a lifesaver and a beacon of hope that there is productive life after adderall.

 

[LILTEX41]

Hi there and so glad you posted.  I don't even know where to begin to be honest.  You have one hell of a good head on your shoulders after being put through all that bullshit by your parents.  That's seriously freaking insane and my heart goes out to you that you had to grow up in those conditions.  The fact that you are so level headed and intelligent is shocking.  If that were me, I would've flipped my parents the birds and ran away for good, lol.  It really sickens me what the f-ing big pharm industry has done to children today.  It's sad this is what our world is coming to.  I am just so grateful I got off of it for good and now lead a normal life.

 

Anyhow, so you didn't really mention where you are at currently.  From the piece you've written here, I'd say you are most likely well medicated still?  Do you want to quit?  If so, do you have a plan in place?  Have you tried in the past? If so, how did it go?  I guess more than anything, I just want to know how can we be helpful to you now?  Do you have any questions or concerns?

 

I really can't get over your dad.  Maybe someone can go check him into treatment somewhere.  He definitely needs it!!!! 

[Doge]

Really sad about your childhood experience.  Liltex already said above what I was thinking.

I can relate to the whole "DO YOUR HOMEWORK AT THE LIVING ROOM TABLE WHERE WE CAN SEE YOU AND YOU WONT BE DISTRACTED BY VIDEO GAMES" (and then try to do homework while your parents are yelling across the house at each other and the TV/radio is blaring.

So happy that you found a better position to be in.

 

Hope you post back soon.  Keep us updated!

[AlwaysAwesome]

WOW!  You must still be on Adderall to be able to focus that long on a post.  LOL, I hope that we can help you find what you are looking for.  It sounds like you are heading in the right direction.  Do you need a push? 

 

Welcome.

[Cassie]

Wow, great post. Your dad sounds like an incredible asshole. Glad you managed to escape that hell and move forward with your life. You've gotten a good education on who you don't want to be, now it's time to create the life you want from the ashes.
 

[Peridot]

WOW!  You must still be on Adderall to be able to focus that long on a post.  LOL, I hope that we can help you find what you are looking for.  It sounds like you are heading in the right direction.  Do you need a push? 

 

Welcome.

 

Haha thanks, and yes I was.

 

I have 11 pills left from my psych who also prescribes xanax and ambien. I'm attempting to tackle the adderall first (have not taken one today) but I don't know what to do with the extras. Flush them? (thats bad for environment) Giving them away? (no, thats not good either...)

 

Then I also have the issue of how to visit the same doc, get the other two pills and either immediately shred the adderall scrip or tell her I want to go off of it. I think I will attempt to just shred it because doctors are weirder about taking you off a med than they are giving you one.

 

But yes I would love a push (what does that mean exactly?... ) If it is help, then of course. Somehow I have to undo all these addictions to pills (the sleeping one I am considering keeping for the long term though)

[Peridot]

You have one hell of a good head on your shoulders after being put through all that bullshit by your parents.  That's seriously freaking insane and my heart goes out to you that you had to grow up in those conditions.  The fact that you are so level headed and intelligent is shocking.  If that were me, I would've flipped my parents the birds and ran away for good, lol.

 

 

Oh believe me, I tried to run away on several occasions. That's part of the reason they sent me away. I guess after the third set of cops brings your daughter home, you kind of start looking like a bad parent. Every single time I tried to tell authorities that I could not live under the tyranny of my abusive parents. No one believed me because my family is relatively wealthy, and they know how to put on a 'normal' act for the public.

 

Your compliment means a lot to me.   I'm so glad to have found a place that understands where i'm coming from.

 

Anyhow, so you didn't really mention where you are at currently.  From the piece you've written here, I'd say you are most likely well medicated still?  Do you want to quit?  If so, do you have a plan in place?  Have you tried in the past? If so, how did it go?  I guess more than anything, I just want to know how can we be helpful to you now?  Do you have any questions or concerns?

 

Yes I have tried to quit on and off but I always end up going back to them when I find myself sleeping in until 2 pm everyday, accomplishing nothing. Oh and the minute my clothes start feeling tight as well...

 

I really do want to quit. When I am on adderall, it's like being in a brain prison for a day. I can't even tolerate my fiance's touch on adderall, it takes all my feelings away.

 

Today I did not take one and my brain feels so foggy I can't even do the laundry. I am also terrified to eat because I am afraid I won't be able to stop.

 

I had a great start quitting my incredibly stressful teaching career, but now I don't know how to become part of the world again... im sure you guys get what I mean. Right now it seems like an adderall-less life will turn me into a lazy sloth. With adderall, I won't be happy but my house will be clean, bills will be taken care of, etc. Must I drop all expectations for myself? How do I explain this to my fiance?

 

I really can't get over your dad.  Maybe someone can go check him into treatment somewhere.  He definitely needs it!!!! 

 

My dad is a perfect example of how being successful in business automatically dismisses you from any wrongdoing. If you wish to abuse your kids with no consequences, make sure you have lots of money to make it go away!!!

[AlwaysAwesome]

Here is your push...JUST STOP!! 

 

LOL, and tell everyone.  Including your doctor, your family, friends...everyone.  You can't be the only one who knows that you had a problem and quit.  Otherwise, you will be the only one who knows if you go back to the Adderall.  You can't deal with a problem if you don't admit (openly to everyone) that you have a problem.  You need to have some external accountability.  If we could stick to our guns and be accountable to ourselves to make good decisions, then none of us would have had trouble quitting Adderall.  Also, we would all be super fit!   

 

Good luck and just do it!!