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[Doge]

My "cutting off my access" in my first post was a bit of a generous overstatement.

I think it would be not too hard to play off my confession as no big deal and an overdramatization of things (hopefully I'm wrong but I'd rather never find out at all i.e. being strong enough not to try)

Sorry for lying about this; I only meant to change the story enough to protect the integrity of this site, and not admit to anything I shouldn't legally admit to.

After my first 30 days, physically I feel back to normal.  Healthy eating, regular daily exercise, walking a lot (trying to undo the damage I probably did to my spine sitting hunched over a desk for 20 hours straight at times). 

 

Every day though at some point I will decide that I am going to get more adderall, and delay quitting for now.  I'm clear headed enough to realize that I'm still addicted and absolutely quit, but all the logic in the world cannot fight that impulse at times it seems.  And the inner addict is smart and adapts to its weaker position by manipulating me more subtly.  I keep it at bay almost by just subconsciously promising myself I will get some eventually but not just yet.

 

The triggers as I see it are times when I am feeling really weak.  So alcohol is indirectly a trigger.  It helped me cope with that general feeling of just not wanting to engage in anything during my second and third week, for the last week of my 30 day challenge I didn't drink at all, just got up early every morning and basically spread my 8 hour work day out from morning until night, with lots of walks in between, time for exercise, going out for coffee, etc.

Guess what, got my first big challenge done work-wise, I had a 30 hour task take me 50 hours to complete because I was CONSTANTLY distracted and mentally exhausted.  Gave up my saturday and it was a bit of a miserable week but I got through it by my own will.

Anyways I indulged last night (beer) and today is sluggish as a result, and again I'm feeling weak.  The booze has to be cut out for sure as it leads the hangover which is a craving trigger.  I am just going to nap the afternoon away and try to beat down the stupid but oddly compelling feeling that adderall will save me from this.

If I had some, the as soon as I took the first one, I would get a good solid days work done in the first 3 hours, and then it would be as good as fast forwarding time about 48 hours, and having me sitting there starting recovery all over again.

 

Productivity-wise I'm much further ahead to just give 3 crappy days in a row and be 33 days clean instead.

 

Emotionally I'm further ahead.  Everything about my life has gotten WAY better.  I'm totally obsessed with music, learning and playing, and listening to others.  I am really taking off with a new instrument I haven't touched in months before the last couple weeks.  I'm already starting to lose weight (though I'm still overweight from the initial two week eating/sleeping binge).

Still waiting to feel better I guess.  Though it does come in little encouraging, faith-restoring bursts here and there.  The cravings are still a roller-coaster though.  Thanks so much for being here and helping me through my first 30.  Just re-read my initial story I posted a month ago and can't believe how quickly I forgot how horrible that day was.  I literally spent the entire day writing that story with tears in my eyes (9 hours).

I romanticize the high being better than it actually is.  I trivialize how brutal the crash was.  The worst part for me is not even the withdrawals or hangover so much as the heartbreaking guilt and fear of the grip that this drug has on me.  It's so easy to forget this in as little as 30 days.  "Oh yeah I'll just crash for a couple days then I'll be fine."

Kinda ending this post on a low note but dwelling on the reality of what failure would look like is not such a bad thing.  Emotion control might be place to turn to during manipulative cravings where logic seems to fail.

 

Thank you all so much for helping me fight this fight.

[Doge]

Oh and the MONEY I would spend on stupid stuff like cigarettes.  Doing convenience store runs halfway through binges and spending like 40 or 50 bucks on crap without even hesitating.  Have not had a single cigarette during these 30 days nor do I even crave one in the slightest.  It's a no brainer, haha.

[AlwaysAwesome]

You are going through exactly the same thing we have all experienced.  It SEEMS like a great idea...to go back to it...just for a day or two...maybe a few weeks to lose the weight...then I can't stop because of insert whatever crazy justification to stay addicted here.  Just don't give in to it.  It is a lie, and you know that it is.  Remember the bad times, the crazy feelings, and just hang in there.  It takes a lot longer than 2 months...sadly.  But, it does get better.  You can do it!!

[Doge]

Have insomnia tonight, can't sleep.  But I'm not thinking about adderall (except how glad I am I don't need it anymore).

 

Just noticed something great though.  I had this twitch in my eye that's persisted for the last month, and I was starting to think it might be a permanent consequence of abusing adderall.  I noticed it start during one of my final binges.  (I usually would get them in my hands but it would go away by the time the crash was over so I was never worried.)

 

I just realized actually that I can't remember the last time I noticed it so it must have been several days ago.  Fingers crossed I think it's gone finally.

Was reading some articles about peoples experiences with adderall, and it reminded me about so many things I forgot already.

That horrible pounding heart feeling that I usually wouldn't notice until the high wore off.  "Oh God.  This is it.  I've done it this time.  I'm probably going to have a heart attack and die.  I should call 911, but would I go to jail?  Maybe I should just ride it out."
 

Next time that craving hits I'll probably forget all this or deny it to myself, lol.  (It's not funny but what else can you do but laugh?)

[quit-once]

I still have those annoying muscle twitches in my legs and feet.  They get worse when I gain weight and get less when I drop a few pounds.   Pretty sure this is one of my lifetime souvenirs from nine years of Adderall abuse.

[Doge]

I notice it with my calves (is that how you spell it?).  I can't feel it but if I stare at them I can watch them spasm non-stop.  Very disturbing.  I hope it calms down soon.

AAAAAAaaaaaaaaaad it's 8am and I've eaten probably 1500 calories already over my first and second breakfast.

[AlwaysAwesome]

We were all  like hobbits in the beginning...just go with it.

[hyper_critical]

Calves. Those damn calves. Thought I was the only one...

 

Eye twitching and most of the other involuntary "mannerisms" have gone away at this point (amazingly). Still have to focus on slowing down my speech from time to time.