Welp, just realized how bad I am at this "quitting" thing.

[BeverlyM]

Ive been on this site all day. And I've read so many posts ab ppl taking a lot a one time when they relapse, and it made me think to go count the pills I have left from my prescription I had filled 4 days ago.

Before I make myself look like a giant ass, I'd like to say that this is what happens when I get so far in that I'm afraid to even come back to reality. It's so scary when I can feel everything become pointless and its like somebody pushes a button in me that makes me quit caring ab anything BC its all pointless anyway. So I take another one. Ive taken 15 30mg pills in 4 days. That's 450 mgs in 4 days. Im 25 years old, I weigh 120 pounds. I don't even work. I can't because I have seizures from head trauma from an accident that happened when I was ab 6 or 7.

But my POINT is that I MYSELF don't have an excuse for this other than in afraid not to. Honestly, I feel like a giant asshole.

I really didn't realize how fast those lil orange bastards add up.

I do want to fix this, but I'm completely clueless on where to start and how. Telling my mom isn't an option. It would get worse. And im just not brave enough to flush them. I would literally hate myself within the next hour or 2 when I come down.

Geez, if this wouldn't make you feel like a failure, I don't know what would. Im so disappointed in myself.

[BeverlyM]

Sorry my posts keep posting twice. (again) I don't know why its doing that

[Doge]

Ok I hate to tell people what to do, but I'm going to tell you what to do.  Having us read your posts (we are happy to do so and we will continue to do so!) and relate to them might make you feel less alone, but it won't solve your problem.

Step 1) First things first, I demand that you stop being so hard on yourself.

 

This is a viciously addictive chemical and it's not your fault that you were force fed them as a child.  So take a minute now, go get a big glass of water (because we all need water) and just forgive yourself.  I'm sure you aren't perfect (none of us are) but you do not nearly deserve all the guilt and blame you are putting on your shoulders.

 

And while we're counting, my personal record is 300 mg in a single day.  So if you did 450 mg in 4 days, I'd say you're being pretty responsible in comparison.       (my attempt at comic relief).

 

 

Step 2) Decide whether you want to continue in this manner, or quit.

 

You say you are afraid of the withdrawals and facing life without your pills, and every single one of us can understand that.  But it's pretty clear that you know this cannot continue.  And if you'll forgive me for being blunt, it sounds like if you keep going the way you're going, things will get much worse - and probably not long from now.

 

Step 3) Cut off your supply.

 

I kind of assumed here that the answer to step 2 is that you really DO want to quit.  But if you want to keep going, that's your choice and nobody here will judge you or think less of you.  By cutting off your supply, I mean come clean to your doctor(s) and just tell them you are addicted and cannot quit.  They will immediately cut you off (I know this is terrifying, but I promise that terror turns into freedom and joy before too long!).  If we aren't talking doctors, and you're getting it from friends, tell them you need to be cut off and hope that they will respect that.  If they won't, then they aren't your friends and you don't owe them any loyalty.  Threaten to tell their doctor they are distributing their prescriptions (hey nobody likes a rat I know....) because you need to put yourself first.  If your situation is more complicated, then tell us and we will work with you to find a solution!  Use a private message if you don't want to risk ratting yourself out online.

 

You mentioned that you don't work.  Maybe this is a blessing right now because you will need lots of time to heal.

 

There are a lot of good shows on netflix right now.  Think of it as a vacation from abuse and try to enjoy the binge snacking and lazing around that your body and brain desperately need.

 

We are your friends here, and we will help you get through this.  The leap is scary but the thing is we all jump together!

[BeverlyM]

Ive thought about telling my doctor multiple times. It's scary, but its obvious nobody can live in an amphetamine induced alternate reality their whole life. Unless they want their life to end ODing on Adderall. So the only option is very obvious, it just scares me. And im being hard on myself BC I'm constantly tellin myself I don't need to take anymore (at least today) and I do it anyway. And my record is 9 30mg pills in an 10 hour work shift. Did it every night. Worked 11pm to ab 9am and then I went to school.

That didn't last long. I destroyed any motivation I had left. I did quit taking them for ab a year since then and now, but that didn't last either obviously.

Thank you for being here, and thank you for being blunt. No apologies necessary.

[Doge]

So you quit for a whole year?  That's longer than I've EVER stayed clean since I first started experimenting.  That proves you can live without it!

 

I'm only blunt because one of the veteran users here (quit-once) gave me a kinda harsh reality check and it really helped me take that leap of courage and finally cut myself off.

 

Just remember that you never truly killed your personality, otherwise you wouldn't be here or even give a shit anymore.  Adderall is just trying to smother you.  But if you remove those handcuffs, your true self will eventually shine through again!

 

And if you ask me, one day of pure clean sobriety is worth 1000 days of chemical induced craziness.

 

I myself have barely been clean, and have yet to experience a craving-free day since I quit but even still if I were to die tomorrow I'd still be glad for these last 10 weeks of reality.

[LILTEX41]

Ive been on this site all day. And I've read so many posts ab ppl taking a lot a one time when they relapse, and it made me think to go count the pills I have left from my prescription I had filled 4 days ago.

Before I make myself look like a giant ass, I'd like to say that this is what happens when I get so far in that I'm afraid to even come back to reality. It's so scary when I can feel everything become pointless and its like somebody pushes a button in me that makes me quit caring ab anything BC its all pointless anyway. So I take another one. Ive taken 15 30mg pills in 4 days. That's 450 mgs in 4 days. Im 25 years old, I weigh 120 pounds. I don't even work. I can't because I have seizures from head trauma from an accident that happened when I was ab 6 or 7.

But my POINT is that I MYSELF don't have an excuse for this other than in afraid not to. Honestly, I feel like a giant asshole.

I really didn't realize how fast those lil orange bastards add up.

I do want to fix this, but I'm completely clueless on where to start and how. Telling my mom isn't an option. It would get worse. And im just not brave enough to flush them. I would literally hate myself within the next hour or 2 when I come down.

Geez, if this wouldn't make you feel like a failure, I don't know what would. Im so disappointed in myself.

You are NOT a failure! 

 

1. Like Grumpycat stated - it wasn't even your choice to start taking this stupid drug!  You were force fed an addictive pill and you got hooked. NOT your fault. 

 

2.  You reached out for help (awesome!) and right now you are not even in a state of mind to figure out what to do next.  STOP beating yourself up. Give yourself some credit for taking the biggest step of all - reaching out for help. That is an incredibly courageous thing to do and it is just the beginning.  You are contemplating quitting.  This doesn't happen overnight for most people.  This is the first stage of recovery - contemplation.

 

3. This is your struggle and none of us can tell you exactly how to fix it.  We can tell you what we did and what worked for us.  We are not here to judge you or condemn you in any way.  Please don't think that.  We have all been where you are at and the fact that any of us got off of it and stayed off is a MIRACLE!  Some people come to this site, get clean time, and then go back on it.  It's powerful shit.  I have been so close so many times.  But the fact I no longer had a doctor to prescribe it to me made it much harder than picking up the phone and calling a prescription in.  It gave me room to recover and not have a knee jerk reaction, call, get the pills, and fall back into the cycle all over again. That is why we recommend telling the doctor.  Maybe you are not there yet. That's fine.  Maybe you need more time to decide if you are really truly ready to quit.  Why not make any life altering decisions right now while you are in this state of mind?  Why not just try to get some rest, eat, sleep, and try to come down?  Just come down nice and slow.  Taper if that makes you feel more at ease.  Once you run out of these pills and you are clean for a minute you can come up with a plan.  Right now it seems as if trying to devise a plan is only making things worse.  Don't put so much pressure on yourself right now.  You have all the time in the world to figure out what you want to do.  This is your life.  You are in charge.  You get to choose whatever path you want to take.  But just know if you do decide to choose the path of recovery we are here to help you and give you hope.  I pray you find peace tonight and rest.  Stay full of hope.  There is a happy joyful life on the other side of this.  When you are ready, it will be waiting for you. 

[BeverlyM]

I can't even begin to describe in words how grateful I am to have found this site. To see everybody's posts, encouraging me, and helping me, LISTENING to me... And you all take this time out of your day to write to me these AMAZING things ive never heard in my entire life, and you're complete strangers. The passion and care that everyone has is beyond amazing and im gonna have to let the fact that this is even happening sink in before I can do anything. I'm in shock at how many people are here to 100% support anyone in this hell. This hell does suck, to day the least

but if I can come out of this with the passion and knowledge to help others through the same thing, It would be worth going through.

Thank yall for reminding me there are real ppl with real feelings still. Its relieving.