You Are NOT Alone

[CatsAreBetterThanDrugs]

This would be my second time posting my "story", but I really don't consider it my story because a story has a beginning and an end. And right now, this is the beginning, and it's far from over. The post I wrote before was about a year ago. I posted when I was high on adderall, and you know how it is... obviously lol. I mean like lets talk about every fucking detail in the entire world right? Well I would reeeeeally love it if you read what I have to say. I have a feeling you might relate. Please read <3

 

You know how it starts. First pill is something like meeting your first love, except you don't have to impress them or do your make up before meeting up with them... you really don't have to change anything, cuz in the end you know they'll be there. But the more you hangout with them, the harder you fall for them, so the harder it is to leave them. You know how it is, it is HARD!

 

Well 6 years ago I started a habit that I think i've finally managed to control. This habit made me do things I NEVER would've done sober. It gave me a disease of constant hair pulling, got me kicked out of college, lost most of my friends, pushed away my family, and even had sex for money...

 

I had my own prescription from August 2011-June 2014... For about a year I had two different prescriptions. They call that "doctor shopping". The years before I got my own script I was buying from all the jocks in my class. 

 

I picked up my last prescription June 18, 2014. The following month I spent the entire month without taking a single pill. Then I relapsed. Then I relapse over 100 more times. I once spent over $300 in a day cuz my dealer knew I would pay $10 a pill. A 20 mg pill... 

 

The reason why I can't get a script anymore is because I met with a counselor in the same hospital, and signed a release form and he told my primary care doctor not to prescribe me. I went to 3 more doctors after that and couldn't get a thing. So that dealer was the only place I got them.... Until I moved in with my dad.

 

My dad has been addicted to Ritalin for over 30 years, and growing up I never knew a thing. Living with him in my 20s made me see who he truly is. There were points where we were sharing our pills, and stealing from each other. I left as soon as I could, because the more I saw him struggle, the more I wanted to get high. 

 

I finally got out of there, and my boyfriend took me back one last time. Under one circumstance. I stay sober. 

 

I don't want to say detail after detail, because I wanted to leave this as short as possible so you guys will read this.

 

The last time I took a pill was 3 weeks ago. And I gotta say, I feel great. Each time I felt like there finally was a light at the end of the tunnel, I was too afraid to write about it on here because I didn't completely believe that I was done.

 

But now I do.

 

I could not be happier. 

 

I guess the reason why I feel like i'm finally ready now is because I got offered to buy some two days ago, and I did something i've never done before. I said "no", and blocked his number.... breakthrough? I think i'm safe to say, YES, that was a breakthrough. 

 

I plan on writing on here a lot more... Not just to share my own struggles, but to help people with what I found what makes me want to stay sober. Below is a list of things that motivate my recovery... If you have anymore to add, please comment. I want to talk to you guys!!! I really do. This website is a life saver and please talk to me I want to help and be helped. 

 

YOU ARE NOT ALONE! I don't know you, but I love you! Because you need to know you're not alone.

 

List Of Things That Make Me Want To Stay Sober

 

-Food

-Cats

-Cuddling 

-Naps

-Good looking skin

-being able to make plans without thinking of the date my script gets refilled

-LAUGHING like really laughing

-Reading an entire book

-finding real passions instead of just waiting for a pill to kick in so everything can be my passion

-Going to work every day without calling in making excuse, but the real reason being cuz I stayed up all night and you'd be able to tell how strung out I am

-Having my boyfriend TRUST me

-Noticing things i've never seen before

-Listening to an entire song

-cooking

-dancing

-Netflix

-and being able to say "I can't believe I am sober and feel this good"

 

 

 

[survived]

I loved your post because it sounds like you went through so much, but here you are today & sober! You sound happy too, that's great! Congratulations on your 3weeks & welcome back to the boards! I loved your lists of pros, those are all very good reasons to stay sober. You're taking the time to enjoy life now.

[AlwaysAwesome]

Welcome back, and great job!

[LILTEX41]

This post just made my night.   Wow, you got it girl!  That's what I'm talking about!

 

Focusing on the POSITIVE and all the BENEFITS of being sober is so much more energizing than reflecting on what we are giving up (poison). 

 

You know the neat thing about this website is the fact if you do post when you are trying to quit, you get to come back later on down the road and look back and have a good reminder.  My old posts are under Erin.  I was the first person to comment on Your Challenge in 2008.  Wow, 6 years later and I am still here.  Didn't see that coming back then.  I'm sure there are some old posts I wrote back then that are funny now.  I was ripped out of my mind that week I posted and having hallucinations and talks with Jesus.  (I still think that might've have been real though. ) Lots of coo coo crazy shit happening back then, lol.

 

But yes, this is the key to happiness I've found lately.  1. Stay grateful constantly and focus on everything you do have.  Give thanks and praise for even the small things.  2. Get mind off of own problems and help someone else. Look for ways to be good to people and show love.

 

That's about it.  Simple and yet incredibly effective.  I don't like dwelling on the past either. Just focused on future goals and dreams for the present and what's ahead.  The world is a brighter place when you feel physically well, sleep well, eat nutritious food, exercise, and try to live a balanced lifestyle.  It sure beats staying up for days at a time having paranoid delusions of people out to get me, well and for everyone for that matter.  I haven't been around the site much over the winter months, but it is really great to be back.  It keeps reminding me of how far I've come and how no matter what's happened in the past year, I still haven't given up.  I am blessed beyond a doubt.  And I love to watch the newbies that come around and get clean.  It is like the coolest thing on earth to watch someone go from hopeless to restored and excited about life again. 

 

Thank you for making my night!   Great job!!!

[Doge]

Right on!!!!!

[CatsAreBetterThanDrugs]

Oh my gosh you guys thank you so much for replying!!! It makes me so happy to be able to talk to people about this! I've kept a journal ever since I was 14 and I have my entire journey written down..  I'm thinking of maybe getting it published. But I agree when you look back at what you wrote when you were trying to quit and/or relapsing, you can reflect on it at later times and it literally blows your mind!! 

 

One thing that really gets me through is when I feel like finding some, I look back to the journal entry I wrote when I was at my worst.

 

Thank you guys so much!! I will definitely be keeping in touch. Gosh I love this <3 <3 <3

[Doge]

Yeah I remember day 1 crash here, I've had so many cravings and tried so hard to get more at times.  I'm glad I was cut off, its so easy to forget what it was like to be spending an entire day typing a post here in tears half the time.

 

Freedom feels so good.  Keep posting about it to remind us all!