Still hearing voices and other symptoms 5 months after quitting

[anonvoice]

Hi all,

 

New to the forum. Was prescribed Adderall for ADHD nearly two years ago, and I quit Adderall cold turkey 5 months ago today.

 

Two months before I quit I started experiencing symptoms of psychosis on a 50 mg/day dose (I was also smoking copious amounts of marijuana and not getting enough sleep), but was in denial about the source of the psychosis until my live-in GF left (the day she moved out I quit - but unfortunately that was too late to salvage the relationship). I was hearing voices, having paranoid delusions, the works. 

 

The month after quitting was the worst - I was smoking tons of cigarettes and drinking energy drinks to try and stay functional, but ended up spiraling into an even worse psychosis, where the voices started getting even worse (louder) and I couldn't even think straight.

 

A couple of months after that, although the worst of the symptoms faded, I was still having anxiety attacks along with not being able to think straight or focus properly, and I was still hearing voices as well. It got to the point where I ended up having to take a leave of absence from my graduate school program and now I'm a 28-year-old man back home not working living with my parents trying to recover from this.

 

It's been two months since I moved back home (I'm hoping to return to my studies in September) and while I count myself fortunate to have the freedom / resources to live with my parents at my age until I recover, I have no idea when I'll get better. I still hear the voices at the edge of my hearing, thinking is really hard, and I have this weird pulsing/twitching in the middle of my forehead which pulses in time with the voices when I do hear them. I also sleep way too much, I'm constantly depressed and I have a hard time getting motivated to do much of anything other than work out, eat, and listlessly browse the Internet.

 

I'm just wondering if anyone has ever experienced this long-term hearing of voices, difficulty thinking and complete lack of motivation - and if it ever fades. It's been five months and only slight improvements have occurred since December - I don't know if the voices are actually fading, or if I'm just getting used to them now. Often I find myself having a hard time finding the right word to describe a situation - I feel like my working vocabulary has been chopped in half. Things just don't feel right - and hearing voices is a constant reminder that my brain isn't working properly. I wonder if I've sustained permanent brain damage. 

 

Is this just who I am now? Is there no longer getting back to the pre-psychosis me - do I just have to accept that I'm going to hear voices and have a hard time thinking for the rest of my life? I'm just hoping that someone else has had a similar experience and then the voices ended up fading (God I hope they go away... I don't know how I'm going to live a normal life with them). 

 

I've seen a psychiatrist but they want to prescribe me Abilify or an antipsychotic and I am trying not to take any drugs period (I am taking some supplements but that's it) - I remember a time when I didn't hear voices and I certainly didn't need antipsychotics back then.

 

Adderall has basically ruined my life. My career is probably shot (I was on track to get my PhD, but now I have to take 3 more classes if I can and leave with a master's, a huge gap on my resume, W's on my transcript and many doubts about whether I can cognitively perform at my job. I'm thinking about switching careers which will be tough at age 28 but I might have to if I can't find a job with my unorthodoxically-obtained MS). I don't know if I'll ever be able to get into a romantic relationship again, and I still obsess over my ex from time to time (even though I've burned that bridge with my pre and post-breakup behavior, I'm really not over her, especially since the voices will occasionally remind me that she's never coming back, which really sucks). I have no idea what I'm doing with my life and I have no idea when I'll get better. I just want to be normal again... everything that used to define who I was, my wit, my sense of humor, my intelligence, my sociability - seems like it's vanished. 

 

You know what's crazy? Sometimes I think that if I take the Adderall or another stimulant again, maybe I'll be able to think straight - but that's crazy talk, right? As if taking Adderall again would help me think straight when that's what caused my psychosis in the first place. I don't know. Anyway thanks for reading and hopefully someone's had some experience with this... frankly my biggest concern is... when will the voices go away???

[Doge]

I feel like my working vocabulary has been chopped in half.

Amen brother.  I do notice improvements over time, but I'm still not back to normal.  I do, however, have faith that I will eventually return to my normal self.

 

As for the voices, I don't know when they will go away.  I'm sorry to tell you that.

All I can do is reaffirm what you already know:  they will never go away if you go back to the pills.

 

Please don't do it.  Things can only get better from here: remember that always!

[LILTEX41]

Have the voices gotten progressively less intense?  Do you just hear them every now and then? 

 

I know for me, I heard them all week in detox and they slowly progressively lightened up.  I think I was still hearing them on random occasion though.  It might've been more my brain was so hijacked from the drug that I had grown some sort of weird association to them.  I'm wondering if this might be happening due to the brain creating a neural pathway that links thoughts to the voices and the only way to discontinue hearing the voices is with time off this drug.  Maybe it's like a short circuited fuse that still buzzes now and then because it's in the process of dying out.  I wouldn't worry them unless they are strong and you can't decipher between what's real and what's not.  You should eventually return to normal.

 

I think you just need to be gentle with yourself right now and know this drug has turned your brain into mush temporarily.  It is still in the process of withdrawing from this substance so just give it time and don't expect any sudden miracles right away. 

 

School/romance/life stuff - all of that is so completely possible down the road when you are back to par!  Just keep remembering that adderall is what poisoned you in the first place and screwed all of this stuff up.  It will take you to your highest high and bring you to your lowest low.  If you want to be functional, productive, and on even keel then you need a period of restoration to recover from the effects of this drug and learn how to overcome the cravings that are going to pop up now and then once you are recovered.  And of course it is normal to think, "Oh, if I just went back to it then everything would be solved."  NOT TRUE. If you go back on it, the entire cycle will repeat and you will be stuck trapped in the addiction again.  If you break free, let your brain/body/mind heal, you can be free forever and never have to be stuck in this trap ever again.  Don't allow this little orange pill to control you and tear your life apart.  Remember, it ruined your life up till now.  You can continue to let it ruin your life or tell it to F-off and take control of your life back.  It will get better.  Just hang in there!!!

[AlwaysAwesome]

I was seeing things out of the corner of my eye.  Bugs flying, shadows, etc.  These went away after a few weeks, but I still see something from time to time.  I think that is normal for most people, though.  Recovery is different for each person.  Don't be too hard on yourself and give your body time to repair the damage it has endured.  It should get better gradually.  Have a snack and take a walk outside.  Tell those voices to STFU and get back in there!  Good luck. 

[Doge]

I forgot to mention.  Congrats on 5 months!  That's amazing!

[anonvoice]

Thanks for the encouragement everyone. I guess this is a pretty rare case - there's a lot of people who talk about hearing voices but they usually go away after a pretty short time. In my case, they're still around (although I have days where they do improve - and these days are getting more common although they're still pretty rare, but the fact that there's any improvement at all does give me hope).

 

I'm still dealing with sleeping a whole lot and not feeling motivated to do much, but I get these weird bursts of motivation usually late at night where I end up actually getting some stuff done.

 

This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life... but I just keep telling myself that it's both necessary and potentially transformative that I go through this. I'll get through this and I'll be a better person for it - it's either that or curl up in a ball and die (which some days I'm tempted to do, but suicide will never truly be an option for me).

 

Thanks for the words of support everybody. Here's to hoping I'm back to my normal self in a few more months and my twitching/pulsing and hearing voices goes away. Luckily I can distinguish between reality and the "hearing the voice" so I'm thankful for that.

[Doge]

Rooting for you!