Doge Posted May 7, 2015 Report Share Posted May 7, 2015 I'm really happy to announce my 3rd month clean. When I was around the 30 day mark, I was really feeling crappy about everything and deep down I just secretly wanted to get more pills - which just made me feel worse because I knew I couldn't get them anymore. I thought I was as recovered as I was going to get and it was going to just be self-loathing misery from then on out. I remember hitting a breakdown a couple weeks after that ( which I guess I just had to go through, and which is part of the process ) where I felt worse than ever. I even reached out to my 'doctor' (I suppose I can probably stop calling him that. The cops haven't been knocking on my door lately) and asked him to forget what I said about the addiction. Just sell me more please. When he bluntly refused I was overwhelmed with both shame and embarassment for showing such weakness and also despair as the reality sunk in that there would be no more pills. But after that things slowly got better for me over the next 6 weeks. In particular, the 60 day milestone was huge for me because that was more or less my previous record since I had become addicted. So punching past that wall was really empowering. My third month was extremely empowering. The following is the most important change for me. I'm sure you guys know what I mean when I say this - I still thinking about adderall every day, but it's different now. Something will trigger the craving. I'll start to imagine the rush of a pill kicking in, but I don't dwell on it anymore. I used to have these cravings and they would last for hours, completely ruining my evening with depression and anxiety. But now my brain has somehow trained itself to move on immediately to the inevitable result which is me sitting at my computer desk 48 hours later, heart racing, body shaking, eyes twitching, and me in tears as I lament the destruction and havoc I willing wreaked upon myself. The being high part in between is skipped. This seems poetic to me because it's not like I ever remembered that part anyways much more than a blur (and shit! it WAS NEVER THAT GREAT ANYWAY. The cravings are more like just fleeting thoughts now, brief interuptions in my otherwise more or less normal days. I may be overly optimistic here, but I feel like I am myself again, conversationally, socially, in terms of motivation levels.... The only issue facing me now is that last one, which is actually a negative. I am extremely lazy when it comes to work. I never want to do it and I am extremely un-productive. I am eating way better and exercising lots, I cut out the junk food completely now. I officially quit smoking weed two weeks ago which was hard for a couple days because I had come to lean on it as a crutch during recovery. But after the initial adaptation it was hilariously easy compared to the pills. I rarely drink now. And instead of spending my time smoking herbs or going to pubs I spend it in line at the grocery store or in the kitchen learning to cook new delicious healthy meals and snacks. All of these changes are fantastic and I'm really thrilled to share them with you guys because you made it possible. I've heard Narcotics Anonymous people say that a key step of their process is identifying the reason you first sought out the drug in the first place. If this is not done it will be the central reason for relapse. Well clearly my laziness is mine. It's the main challenge that lies ahead for me now. I'm choking up a bit as I type this as it seems surreal when I think about it. 3 months ago I would never have imagined I could get to where I am now. Thanks to all of you for reading and more importantly for holding my hand throughout this whole "painful but extremely rewarding" journey. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlwaysAwesome Posted May 7, 2015 Report Share Posted May 7, 2015 YAY!! You are doing so great! You are helping others, too. Hang in there and enjoy the new freedom from chemicals. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
survived Posted May 7, 2015 Report Share Posted May 7, 2015 I've noticed a huge change in your writing lately. You sound more optimistic, happier. I think you've come a long way from your first month! I just want to say congratulations, you're getting through this well and its only going to get better! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CreativeGuy Posted May 8, 2015 Report Share Posted May 8, 2015 Wow I'm aspire to do what you have done 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LILTEX41 Posted May 8, 2015 Report Share Posted May 8, 2015 Congrats Grumpy!! You are so helpful in this community. We are lucky to have you! That is fantastic!! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zerokewl Posted May 9, 2015 Report Share Posted May 9, 2015 Impressive grumps. Keep stacking days , months... You stop craving it eventually somehow yyour brain just forgets. Stay focused on your health and stay busy. Focus on incremental change. You have the mindset now continue to develop the habit. 've heard Narcotics Anonymous people say that a key step of their process is identifying the reason you first sought out the drug in the first place. If this is not done it will be the central reason for relapse. Well clearly my laziness is mine. It's the main challenge that lies ahead for me now. I never really thought about it but being lazy is a trigger for me 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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