Knows_Better Posted June 4, 2015 Report Share Posted June 4, 2015 It's been a little while since I posted... I've been meaning to update but ... Just never got to it even though it's been nagging at me to do First I want to say if you guys feel that I shouldn't post here then please feel free to say so bc I certainly don't want to hinder anyone recovery , this being a " quitting" adderall support group and all. I did quit all together for 8 days. Last Sunday night I took my last 120 mgs and I was done. I bought supplements and lots of good food and vitamins Day 1 sucked Day 2 sucked Day 3 I couldn't get out of bed Day 4 I couldn't lift my body and literally fell asleep for 16 hours - depression and lethargy and hating life Day 5 was worse - depression kicked in bad Day 6 was unbearable - when I wasn't sleeping I was crying over nothing and rethinking my whole life ( isn't this suppose to get easier?) Day 7 I couldn't take anymore and called for a refill Day 8 pushed through until I got my refill I have come off opiates 4 times and only made it the 4th time with sub strips .. This was almost as bad. Matter of fact the depression and lethargy was worse . However .. I am proud of myself ... I have successfully NOT abused or over used my meds so far. I've been on 30mgs xr for the past few days and although I have used caffeine and tyrosine I feel great. I feel ( for now) that I can use it wisely When I was off the adderall. I realised just how bad my ADD is. I was on autopilot. And it's funny but some of the things I did were so stupid .. For instance ... The little baby I keep during the day ... Her feet were cold .. So I went to get her socks ... Being on autopilot and not paying attention to what I was doing , I say down on the floor next to her ... Pick up my Maltese puppy ( the connection is that he IS my baby lol) and proceeded to put him in my lap and started to put the socks on his back feet ... I am a complete idiot lol I can't live that way ... So ... Here I am at 230 am having kicked ass all day and got everything done ... I had a compulsion to make lists for tomorrow ... And couldn't sleep at all ... I did try So if it is ok that I still am a member and post here , I'd really appreciate the support ... I never want to go back to abuse the adderall and I hope that I can do it. Gotta get to work now. Hope everyone is well and hope I can continue to be a part of this wonderful group even though I've decided to stay on the meds 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeHereNow Posted June 4, 2015 Report Share Posted June 4, 2015 Hi Knows_Better! I'm not judging you on your decision, in fact I have made the exact same decision countless times. But my support for you will come in the form of a tough question. Will you REALLY be able to go back to using it as prescribed? In other words, are you being honest with yourself here? Will you be able to ignore the little voice that says, "just one more won't hurt?" Usually, once someone crosses the line from use into abuse, they can't come back. It will work for a little while, but the abuse starts to slowly creep in again. It's a lot like an alcoholic trying over and over to moderate, and maybe successfully doing so here and there, but getting out of control and abusing it more often than not. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlwaysAwesome Posted June 5, 2015 Report Share Posted June 5, 2015 I don't think you gave yourself enough time. Also, give yourself some credit...you are not a complete idiot. You were quitting a terrible drug and it is very difficult. I hope that you won't give up on quitting. No one can be on this drug forever. It will ruin you. Good luck and stay close. You are always welcome in my opinion...for what it is worth. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Knows_Better Posted June 22, 2015 Author Report Share Posted June 22, 2015 its worth alot .. Thank you But... I didn't make it... In fact it's worse now Since I posted I've gone through 5 bottles (5 MONTHS WORTH) Last week I took 60 mg xr one morning and felt absolutely nothing. Then took another 20 mg boost to see what happened Nasty nasty headache, flu like feeling, sneezing, muscle aches , and just plain over the top ANGER I tried all weekend to feel it .. Ended up popping 160 mg Friday night ,knowing I had a script ready for the next day pick up, and felt pretty good .. For a few hours.. Then back to feeling like dirt again Yesterday I got almost to the bottom of the last bottle.. Sat around all day reading these forums and crying So an biurbago , I took my last 80mgs. I couldn't get anymore in I wanted to until middle of next month , and for what? All its doing now is making me feel like crap. I've thought all day , omg I have to get to work on all the big things I have to do this week before the last dose wears off.. That type of thinking is going to take a lot of retraining to get rid if. I'm a complete failure. I've taken 3 showers today, My house is clean and disinfected.. Yet the smell of ammonia is everywhere I go ... I think it's ingrained in my mind .. Makes me so sick .. And I have actually been eating so I don't get that ... But whatever Thank you for everything. But I don't deserve the support I'll probably end up dead bc I'm so stupid and have spiraled out of control I have to get to work ..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeHereNow Posted June 22, 2015 Report Share Posted June 22, 2015 Hi Knows_Better, You're in the right place! A lot of people around here have gone through similar binges before realizing they have to quit. Addiction usually tends to get worse if you keep using the substance. It's a brain chemistry thing. And you DO deserve support. I know you're mad at yourself right now, but you're going to have to find a way to forgive yourself and move forward. You need to stop taking adderall. Make a plan, tell your doctor you're quitting, and don't take it EVER again. You can do this! If you keep going on these binges, you're going to keep getting worse and worse and possibly cause yourself some terrible health problems! Stay close to the forums, keep eating and resting, try to accept that your relationship with adderall can now only be an abusive one. The only way out is to quit. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doge Posted June 22, 2015 Report Share Posted June 22, 2015 I'm a complete failure. I've taken 3 showers today, My house is clean and disinfected.. Yet the smell of ammonia is everywhere I go ... I think it's ingrained in my mind .. Makes me so sick .. And I have actually been eating so I don't get that ... But whateverThank you for everything. But I don't deserve the support I'll probably end up dead bc I'm so stupid and have spiraled out of control No, no, and NO. It breaks my heart to read your words like that. That is your addiction talking to you. It beats you down to the point where you feel like you are worth nothing without the pills. But it is a LIE. I know you're mad at yourself right now, but you're going to have to find a way to forgive yourself and move forward. You need to stop taking adderall. Make a plan, tell your doctor you're quitting, and don't take it EVER again. You can do this! If you keep going on these binges, you're going to keep getting worse and worse and possibly cause yourself some terrible health problems! Stay close to the forums, keep eating and resting, try to accept that your relationship with adderall can now only be an abusive one. The only way out is to quit. (Sorry I'm obsessed with highlighting text) I don't think it could possibly be said better than this! The key to unlocking freedom is to cut yourself off by telling your doctor what is going on. It read your log in the original post about how you were feeling and I sympathize with you heavily; it sounds awful. But I second what AlwaysAwesome said, you didn't give it enough time. It does get better but unfortunately it gets worse first. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ldmcniel Posted June 22, 2015 Report Share Posted June 22, 2015 I too went through many relapses before I finally quit. I don't think I ever made it more than 2 days without a relapse. When I did finally quit, it wasn't really by my choice. It was discovered that I was taking the Dr I work for pre signed prescription pads and writing out scripts to myself. I was fired, prosecuted, and went through my own personal hell. The withdrawl from cold turkey was pure HELL!! I went from 200-300mg per day to 0. Not only did I have to deal with the withdrawl, I also had to go through the darkest time of my life WITHOUT Adderal. It seemed impossible and at times I wanted to give up and even contemplated suicide. But you know what, I made it! July 30 will be 2 years FREE!! The point of my story is, I made it!!! Yes it was NOT easy and I too have severe ADHD and that came back even more severe than before. It seemed like I went my whole life with ADHD and I had managed it without meds for 30 some years, when I did get on meds, abuse them and then was without them, I had no idea anymore how to manage my symptoms. But here I am, almost 2 years later, I made it!! I have my life back!!!!! Best of all, I have myself back. You CAN do it!!! It may seem impossible but believe me, it can be done. Even in the worst situation. Best of luck to you 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlwaysAwesome Posted June 22, 2015 Report Share Posted June 22, 2015 STOP THAT KIND OF TALK RIGHT NOW!!! There, I feel better. You are not worthless, and you are not stupid. You are under the control of a very powerful drug. I want you to go and take a look at the members list for this forum. Now, look at how many are newbies who only posted once or twice...they could not do it either. The odds are only in your favor if you give in to the quitting. You have to accept that it is going to be awful, but...it will get better. The sun will shine a little brighter, the colors will be clearer, sounds will be sweeter. Food will taste delicious, and you will be tired. The only things you will accomplish are the ones you must do. You won't get fired, because you know what has to be done to avoid that. Now, stop taking that shit and go take a nap! 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nouedis Posted June 22, 2015 Report Share Posted June 22, 2015 Yeah, You don't have to go back to it. You are someone and you have something to do in this life and you're the only who can pull through with this. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Knows_Better Posted June 22, 2015 Author Report Share Posted June 22, 2015 Its so good to be able to see positive people here and I appreciate all your kind words more than I can say ... As I said earlier .. I took my last 80 mgs ... And it was the worst experience ive had thus far I promise! I've spent the last few hours so angry I worried I may pull my hair out, over nothing. Literally there was nothing even remotely close to aggravating anywhere near me. Instead it was anger toward myself I think .. But I wasn't really aware at the time. I really think I'm bordering on the psychosis line here so lucky I ran out .. You know that feeling when you're so hyper focused and your hands are glued to the keyboard and you're mind is screaming in panic that you have to get up and go , and its seemingly impossible to actually move? That's how I felt today only I was moving , I just never figured out what I needed to do. It was very strange I was so annoyed at myself that I wasn't doing SOMETHING , but I had nothing to do that I could think of at the moment I have screamed at the kids , the dog, and was incredibly rude to the guy that was being to slow at Walgreen's I'm sure he was moving at normal people pace .. But was too slow for me apparently. I got nothing done at all . just a chaotic panic fueled day that halfway thru I gotnso nauseous that I had to drink a protien shake and still felt sick . I guess I finally blew my own fuse on this junk 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlwaysAwesome Posted June 23, 2015 Report Share Posted June 23, 2015 You can do this... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nouedis Posted June 23, 2015 Report Share Posted June 23, 2015 You have all of us behind you, standing our ground, making sure that you're being watched over. If you feel like there's no one who cares or thinks about you, think again cos there's someone out there, could be, could be the person on top or below me in the comment section, could be anyone - point being, don't give up cos you have guardian angels all around you. Don't ever think for freaking second that you're alone in this. Cos truth be told, you're not. We all have to be united and balance one another out. Namaste, friends. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Knows_Better Posted June 23, 2015 Author Report Share Posted June 23, 2015 That brought tears to my eyes ... Thank you No one knows anything , just you guys ... I'll keep updating 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlwaysAwesome Posted June 24, 2015 Report Share Posted June 24, 2015 Chin up, friend. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeHereNow Posted June 27, 2015 Report Share Posted June 27, 2015 Its so good to be able to see positive people here and I appreciate all your kind words more than I can say ... As I said earlier .. I took my last 80 mgs ... And it was the worst experience ive had thus far I promise! I've spent the last few hours so angry I worried I may pull my hair out, over nothing. Literally there was nothing even remotely close to aggravating anywhere near me. Instead it was anger toward myself I think .. But I wasn't really aware at the time. I really think I'm bordering on the psychosis line here so lucky I ran out .. You know that feeling when you're so hyper focused and your hands are glued to the keyboard and you're mind is screaming in panic that you have to get up and go , and its seemingly impossible to actually move? That's how I felt today only I was moving , I just never figured out what I needed to do. It was very strange I was so annoyed at myself that I wasn't doing SOMETHING , but I had nothing to do that I could think of at the moment I have screamed at the kids , the dog, and was incredibly rude to the guy that was being to slow at Walgreen's I'm sure he was moving at normal people pace .. But was too slow for me apparently. I got nothing done at all . just a chaotic panic fueled day that halfway thru I gotnso nauseous that I had to drink a protien shake and still felt sick . I guess I finally blew my own fuse on this junk I think I can relate to this. You're used to feeling super productive and feeling like you're accomplishing things, and now without the pills you can't do nearly as much. My suggestion is to lower your standards. You're not going to accomplish much for a little while. Enjoy the extra sleep and food and lack of productivity now while you can, because right now the ONLY thing you have to do is get better 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlwaysAwesome Posted June 29, 2015 Report Share Posted June 29, 2015 it's hard to do, but Occasional is right. Just let go and let lazy! You can do it... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nouedis Posted July 22, 2015 Report Share Posted July 22, 2015 Don't worry about it man All will be fine I promise you Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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