My close call last week and hopefully my last big hurdle

[Doge]

I had an intense craving about a week ago (quite possibly my worst one yet) which I have identified as being caused by the following key reasons.

 

1) Triggering a pattern of events - around the same time last year I did the drive between the same two cities and got some pills immediately upon arrival.  That sort of thing really stuck with my memory, and that's how easy it is to create a habit when it comes to doing addicting things.  Even as I was a couple hours away from my destination this time I could feel my nerves going nuts and I was plotting to relapse.

 

2) Too much time away from this site - I was MIA for about 12 days because I was travelling and got out of my normal routine (which includes checking this site about as often as my email).  I didn't want to accidentally have this page open in my browser history in case one of my familiy members used my computer.  So anyways, I just stayed away for that time.  Well with all the time around family, and being in a different environment, that's about how long it took me to forget I was an addict. 

 

I figured that later, when I got home, it might be a good idea to get some more adderall (you know, to help me with my productivity...)

 

It all started with one of the horrible relapse nightmares.  When I woke up, I wasn't hardly relieved that it had been a dream, but instead I started to obsess over it for days.  I shouldn't have let myself linger in this mindset for so long because by the time I got home it was too late.  I wanted to get a supply and I didn't want to stop to talk myself out of it.  I didn't want to check this site because I knew it would just make me feel more guilty.  I was really upset and in a miserable craving that lasted probably 4-5 days straight.  I swear, the entire time I wanted more adderall and spent many hours plotting ways to get some. 

 

Once I get into that mindset it's too late so prevention is the only way.

 

I'm ashamed to admit the rest, and I didn't even really want to post about it for a while but I feel like I just need to get it all out.

 

Having no supplier to turn to (I had confessed being addicted and was cut off permanently and I couldn't think of any lies I could use to manipulate them into selling to me again), I did the stupidest thing I could have done.  I went looking for more from strangers (and I found someone).  This was really stupid.  I could have gotten robbed, arrested, or much much worse.  Could have been a cop, or worse, a thug.  Anyways, fortunately I had just enough mental clarity to realize the risks were too high and it wasn't worth it.  I backed out in time thankfully.

 

Things started slowly getting better over the next few days, and I started remembering all the great things about my life right now and how much I have to be happy about.  My emotions have balanced out quite a bit since then and I'm really happy about the way things went.

 

I owe a huge thank you to ZeroKewl for taking so much time out of his days and being there for me to chat with basically throughout all hours of several days in a row.  It meant a lot to me because when I started getting clean, I really found out that I hardly have any friends left.  And the ones I do have left of course I can't really talk to about it.  Besides, they are all REALLY pissing me off lately!

 

It has become clear to me that this site is not just therapy to help me feel better.

 

It is absolutely crucial to my recovery and I without it I would find a way to relapse, by seeking out stronger drugs from the street if necessary.

 

I never want to find out where that road leads me because it wouldn't be pretty.  Thank God it didn't happen.

 

So thanks also to the rest of you for being my support group and the only friends I really have right now.

[Greg]

GrumpyCat congratulations on resisting what was a really, really, REALLY close call. I was thinking the other day that an adderall slip is not at all similar to something like a slip up on a weight loss diet...where you accidentally overindulge but you forgive yourself and move on.  An adderall slip up is really, really scary.  I hope knowing that you were able to back out has proven to yourself that you can resist, no matter how hard it gets, and because of that you no longer will get to this point where you get this close.  This site is definitely a lifesaver. When I was first quitting and had those long cravings I would instantly think of the fire safety technique "Stop, drop and roll"....because -in my mind - I felt I was in a situation analogous to being lit on fire...and i never felt like i was being overdramatic or anything bc One pill relapse could destroy everything. hope this analogy can work for you. 

 

http://www.cprsavinglives.com/blog/assets/0_0_0_0_424_230_csupload_58355032_large.jpg?u=635062993586438221

 

 

Be strong, stay strong! Keep it up!

[quit-once]

It is my deepest held belief that just one pill can and would change the course of my life in a negative and uncertain way.  I am scared shitless of this evil drug and I have to believe I am violently allergic to it at all times.  Wow.  You sure held it together during your time of test.  Did you just back out of the deal at the last minute in a moment of rationality? 

 

I try really hard not to give any mental energy to thoughts of relapse or glorification of its usage.  I think of my mind as a TV set and I simply change the channel when I don't like a certain thought process.

 

Good for you and your strong resistance, Grumpycat!

[Doge]

This new supplier I found could have been a cop (and I've been caught with pills by the police before so I don't think they'd let me off lightly a second time) or someone who might just have offered to meet me somewhere discreet and then beaten/robbed me. 

 

Fear of the unknown won out during the moment of truth, which I guess in some sense could be seen as rationality.  But it wasn't any sort of strong resistance I'm sad to say.  True rationality didn't return until after some long conversations with ZK and then coming back to this site and posting/reading more.

 

Anyways, thanks for the encouragement all the same.

[Greg]

Could you imagine racking up a criminal record over this dumb pill? What's important is that you DIDNT DO IT. Cravings can make a person totally irrational...the next time you feel tempted like that remember to stop, drop and roll ..

Also one pill is too many and a thousand is never enough.

[AlwaysAwesome]

I like that!  One pill is too many and a thousand is never enough.  Truer words have never been spoken...

 

I am so proud of you, Grump!  The ability to resist is the only thing that keeps us clean.  We will always be addicted to this drug, but we don't have to be controlled by it anymore!   

[nouedis]

Don't let temptation get the best of you! You can overcome the odds by just telling yourself every day that you DON'T need it and it CAN'T control you. Just by telling yourself that every day, you'll see the grip of these hands loosen up and let you go be free as a bird. And, that's what you and me and everyone that cares and loves you wants.

 

"Never give up. Never surrender."

 

Remember that quote? Tim Allen used it in Galaxy Quest. Words to live by. If not that, then how about: "Do or Do Not, There Is No Try." - Yoda.

 

People care and are here to look out for you if no one else will.