Doge Posted July 7, 2015 Report Share Posted July 7, 2015 I'm happy to announce my 5th clean month completed. I've been really stressed lately as the clock continues to tick for me to finish my dissertation and I have made no real progress yet. Whenever this stress leads to temptation I just have to remember that a relapse will only make things worse. I just keep plugging away inefficiently every day. The good news is that I feel like I am at a stage where the horrible feelings of regret are seeming to fade a bit. Of course I still wish I never went down that dark road of addiction but I don't lament for the past as much now. I am dealing with the consequences of my actions every single day but I just keep looking forward and try to remember that some good can come from it as well. The simplest example being the ability to empathize with other addicts - especially ones in much more hopeless situations than I ever managed to wander into. It's amazing how the majority of the population looks down on homeless people and de-humanizes them so readily. There are a lot of hopelessly desperate people hanging out on the side of the road in my city and when they ask for money for food, people's first instinct is "oh they just want their next fix I'd just be enabling them" and hurry on their way avoiding even making eye contact. Yeah well, of course they just want their next fix! They are viciously addicted to extremely powerful substances that are chemically engineered to have exactly that effect. That doesn't mean for one second that they aren't suffering, starving, and practically dying on the street from malnourishment. And as a fact, I have never once in my life seen a homeless person that wasn't extremely grateful for even the smallest amounts of kindness that came in a non-monetary form - a bottle of water, an apple, a cup of coffee, a sandwich. Give them anything and they practically get tears in their eyes. It's so easy for people to say things like "oh they should just quit doing drugs" or "why do I have to work for my money and they just sit around begging". But they just don't have a clue what it is like. The reality is that many of them are sitting because they are so weak that they would probably faint if they stood up. Anyways, this was a rant I never intended to go on and I only have seen a tiny glimpse of what they go through. I do however need to cling to these epiphanies as they are the only silver lining to my self-destructive choices in the recent past. Thank you all for being here to help pull me out of that dark hole. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlwaysAwesome Posted July 7, 2015 Report Share Posted July 7, 2015 You ROCK! Great job! Btw, I always give food to the homeless folks. I have seen them throw it down once or twice, but most are very grateful... I bought a guy a ham and cheese sub sandwich and a bottle of water once. I didn't think about it until later, but I hoped he wasn't against pork products. Next time, I will buy turkey...just in case. lol 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zerokewl Posted July 7, 2015 Report Share Posted July 7, 2015 Way to go Grumps. Thank you for you contributions to this site. Junkies helping junkies is the only way this works. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
quit-once Posted July 8, 2015 Report Share Posted July 8, 2015 Grumpycat, thanks for that rant on homelessness and addiction. I don't see homeless people every day so it is easy to forget about them. Your rant made me want to be kinder and more generous when I encounter them on the street. The regrets you have for pursuing your addiction will fade with time. I always took the approach that I learned lots of life lessons about addiction that I hope to never repeat. In fact, I believe that Adderall got me through some tough times although I am sure I would have been just fine without it. It is good that you developed some empathy for other addicts as one of your life lessons from that awful addiction. And wow, five months already? that went by really fast, from my perspective anyway. It probably seems like five years for you at times. The struggle is still very real and you are doing what needs to be done. Just cut yourself some slack on the time frame you allow for the big things like a dissertation. Extensions were made for missed deadlines. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nouedis Posted July 8, 2015 Report Share Posted July 8, 2015 Congratulations! Hopefully you keep up the good work! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blueyedgrl Posted July 8, 2015 Report Share Posted July 8, 2015 I totally hear you about your dissertation. Im in grad school and althought i completed most of my courses without the adderall now that i started taking a month ago (10mg xr life has been so much more bearable. Ive also been battling depression so being able to get out od bed without constantly "making myself" has been feeling good. I know i have to stop it soon, thought, i know better than to get hooked on it. Its so bitter-sweet. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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