Help request from a codependent spouse

[dadof3finallyfree]

Hello I'm hoping to get some feedback on an addiction perspective if anyone can chime in? My wife is addicted to adderall and admits she cannot quit. She has been on it for 3 to 4 years that I know of but she has been hiding it and lying for years. She faked a prescription and has had 22 doctors and been to 13 pharmacies since 2008 for numerous types of pills.Xanax, codein, oxycotin,hydrocodone, zambien,etc...I never knew about it to this degree. I feel like a dumbass and thought she was just spunky all the time and a jabber jaw. I caught her 3 times in the past few years and threatened to leave her but she said she would quit and didn't know why she takes them and doesn't need them. Guess she never did quit. She was always talkative and hard to converse with, very forgetful and her empathy and care for her family has diminished over the years. I have 3 little girls and her addiction is tearing our family apart. This web site has been a life saving event and I've read almost every article in tel your story. I didn't know much about pills or adderall until I stumbled on the insurance printouts. Thank you all for your stories!!!

I believe she is on the downhill slope but she is begging me to stay with her but the things she does are just horrible. We are divorcing in less then 2 months but need to try and help her for the sake of the kids.

She went from opiads to ampethamines years ago and she has played around with pills in the past and before I met her. I never have ever and am clueless about them. Three years or so ago she was on 10mg a day for a year according to the insurance printouts. I have been told she was getting them illegally as well before this. Then uped it to 20 mg a day per month and now she goes thru 60 pills of 20mg every 5 weeks so almost 40 mg a day now. She appears to be bi polar, she doesn't have ADHD. She is paranoid an so hard to get along with but she says she has it under control and doesn't have a problem and never has.

What I don't understand is she gets up every morning to get the kids ready for school and seems fine right away, she eats alot or seems to. She drinks at night a bit and is now prescribed Xanax for insomnia and nerves she says BC of me but I'm laid back as hell. She has lost alot of friends, her husband, a great life and flys off the handle at times. She started smoking again and her financial status is in the toilet. She has been staying up late even with the xanax. She never follows thru on anything and is extremely selfish. Yells at the kids alot.

What I don't understand is I can't tell she is on it all the time??? Her pupils are always really tiny and not dialted. From what I read she shouldn't be eating, sometimes she can hold decent conversations. Socially she is a bit awkward, she hates school events but when out in public she talks to everybody but it seems real fake. My outlook on it is she is pretty bad off and I'm thinking the future will just get worse??? I want a bright future for me and the girls and her but I'm hoping someone can smack sense into me and tell me to just walk away and their opinion on how bad she is and will most likely get? Her family won't help and they have dealt with pills forever... Any advice would be a blessing as I am lost and feel alone..thanks!

[BeHereNow]

Hey Dad of 3,

 

I am so sorry you're going through this.   I can only imagine how hard it is.   Good for you for taking these steps towards a better future for yourself, your kids, and your soon to be ex wife. 

 

I hate to be the bearer of bad news but as a former/recovering adderallic, it sounds to me like her future will continue getting worse until she hits "rock bottom."  Unless someone decides to do an intervention, which might not even work esp if her family won't help.  When people are that badly addicted, it takes nothing short of a major crisis to get them to stop. 

 

This might be a concern when you get divorced.  Will you be comfortable leaving the kids with her when she has visitation time? 

 

From what you've described, and the # of pills she's using, it sounds like she is on adderall all the time.  Unless she has major periods where she seems very low energy, can't get out of bed, eats a lot, etc. (classic withdrawals), then she is probably on it all the time.  Once you build up a tolerance, some people can even eat and sleep on adderall.  Your brain re-adjusts to it so that you can function as closely as possible to normal......... which is why when she eventually quits, it's gonna be brutal for her.

 

It's important to support not just her, but yourself too.  This is a lot for anyone to go through.  Have you looked into Al Anon?  It's basically a support group for friends and spouses of drug/alcohol addicts.  They seem to be very resourceful.   They have a saying: "You didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it."  Your wife might try to blame you for her xanax addiction or any number of other things, but ultimately that's her addiction talking.  She is 100% responsible. 

 

Another piece of wisdom I picked up from Al Anon.  Anything that a drug/alcohol addicted person does while under the influence of the drug-- and this includes withdrawal symptoms (which after all are still the influence of drugs)-- is NOT personal and is NOT about you. 

 

I'm so glad you posted here.  It will help you a lot with helping this specific monster of a drug.  But here's a link to an extra resource that might help-- another forum for friends and family of drug addicts.  I used to spend a lot of time on this forum (the friends and family of alcoholics version) because I was in a very abusive relationship with an alcoholic.  Hearing others' stories, and seeing the common patterns, was a huge wake-up call for me.

 

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-substance-abusers/

 

Please know that we are here for you.   And if your wife chooses to quit, we are here for her too.  Maybe show her the site?

 

Good luck with everything!

[dadof3finallyfree]

Thank you so very much for your reply and that website link, I needed both.  It was nice to hear from someone else especially when I am so new to all this.  I am going to Al anon this wednesday and hopefully I can find some people to talk to.  I have heard not to take what my wife is doing personally and its mainly the adderall controlling her.  I had no idea how powerful this stuff is I cant believe they allow it to be prescribed.  Ive called her doctors a few times now but that is useless.  I finally realize I cant control her or her addiction so Im all about starting something new and finding someone else to be in my life.  Sad but seems like the only route out when someone wont even admit they are using it.  Thanks again!!!!

[AlwaysAwesome]

You have to protect your children.  I was not a good mom on Adderall.  I was mean and quick to fly off the handle.  I had absolutely no patience.  It does affect them.  Don't just let her have full custody of them.  Maybe taking the kids would be the final straw.  Maybe...

 

Hang in there dad.  I am so sorry you and your family are going through this.  It makes me ashamed of my previous addiction and glad that I finally quit successfully.

[Doge]

Hi there, it's great of you to reach out for help. 

 

Trying to help your wife is the best thing you can do for your wife and children.  I don't know what to say about your situation except maybe offer a bit of my perspective with a few key things I noticed in your post.

 

I feel like a dumbass and thought she was just spunky all the time and a jabber jaw. I caught her 3 times in the past few years and threatened to leave her but she said she would quit and didn't know why she takes them and doesn't need them.

Don't feel like a dumbass.  We addicts are incredibly good at hiding things from others.  Unfortunately you cannot control others and it is ultimately going to be up to your wife to take the first step.  But the way you are choosing to educate yourself and look for solutions is only going to make it easier for her when the time comes.  Your family is lucky to have you.

 

As for not knowing why she takes them and doesn't need them.  I remember going through a phase like this before I finally admitted I was addicted.  It took me a long time to admit it to myself.

 

 

She was always talkative and hard to converse with

 

On low doses of adderall (like 5mg) I always found myself intensely good at conversations.  No matter how off-topic the other persons rambling was, I would calmly look them right in the eye and listen carefully to everything they said and respond brilliantly.  Once I started getting addicted and going into higher doses, (I would only talk to people on the phone, because in person it was obvious I was high) I would just never shut up and I would just dominate the conversation until nobody wanted to talk to me.

 

 

She is paranoid an so hard to get along with but she says she has it under control and doesn't have a problem and never has.

 

This is unfortunate to hear.  No recovery can even begin unless she admits that there is a problem.  I have to agree with the others that the rock bottom is yet to come.  I literally just woke up and haven't had my coffee yet so take this possibly inappropriate piece of advice with a grain of salt.  Don't leave the kids with her.  Go for full custody yourself when you get divorced.  Hopefully that is enough to get her on the road to recovery.  Your kids need their mom; but they need their real mom.

 

 

What I don't understand is I can't tell she is on it all the time??? Her pupils are always really tiny and not dialted.

 

Yeah its pretty stealthy and hard to detect.  The single most telling symptom I exhibited was not being able to look people directly in the eye for more than a second or so when talking to them.  But everyone is different, and if she's been on pills this whole time she will just appear to you to be looking normal I guess.

[dadof3finallyfree]

Thank you all so much for stepping me thru those symptoms and why she doesnt show all of them! Thats been swirling in my mind and helped and I was convinced my mind was running away on me.   From what I read symptoms vary depending on dosages and I can flashback now to arguements and its clear as day now and I can even match up times with the printouts. One time I had to call 911 because she went into convulsions but I thought it was the flu or something but it must have been the pills.   Medics didnt find anything wrong with her that night and the next day she was fine.  She has about 10 other symptoms that are clear as day.  Ive sent her links to this website over and over and begged her to read it and pics of the insurance printouts but shes in total denial and forgets shes admitted to it numerous times and has been caught red handed over and over. Its like she is living in fantasy land.  I agree rock bottom is a ways off.  Her insurance coverage just ended and shes now claiming bankruptcy so for the saek of the kids I hope its close. 

 

I couldnt get full custody but after she stole the kids last christmas for 5 weeks after I found out about  all this and fought for them in court the judge gave us 50/50 which is good for now.  My lawyer subpoena all doctors and 13 pharmacies so she had to admit it in court in front of family in the beginning but b/c they were all prescibed the judge couldnt do that much.  The judge made it clear there was more then a small issue with her but nothing trually illegal had been proven. The few doctor shopping events were years back but the judge knew what was up.  In an effort to get the kids life back to normal we settled on everything.  Think my road is just beginning now but I love this sight and read it everyday for support and it always works!!!!! Thanks again for eveyones feedback... IT REALLY HELPS! 

[Doge]

Hoping for the best outcome for your family.

[BeHereNow]

Don't feel like a dumbass.  We addicts are incredibly good at hiding things from others. 

 

This is so true.

 

People with severe addictions can and will lie, hide things, keep secrets, steal, manipulate, act irrationally, and be abusive cruel and mean to people who love them.  She's not being her real self right now.  Part of it is the effects of the drug, part of it is drug seeking behavior, part of it is narcissism and codependency, and part of it, I just can't understand.   It's unfortunately very common.  But know, again, it's not about you if they're being influenced at all by the drug.  I hope your wife gets the help she needs so she can be her real self again-- for her, and for the kids. 

 

Codependency: chronic lack of self-care  (saw that definition on a tv show once)

 

You mentioned codependency in your title.  It seems to go hand in hand with addiction.  What is behind your wife's drug addiction?  Your wife needs to explore this issue as part of a larger set of issues.  Until she gets to the bottom of why she takes the stuff, she'll never be able to stop.  She needs real help.  I hope she figures it all out. 

 

You can't control her actions, but you can control your responses.  Just keep being the strong, stable, positive, amazing dad you are.  Your kids are going to need you more than ever.  They are probably going to have to watch their mom hit rock bottom soon. 

[dadof3finallyfree]

Thanks Grumpy cat, I needed to hear that!  The lies are what kill me, even when she doesnt have to lie she does over the simpliest of things like reschedule the kids doctor visits, getting messages, you name it

 

She just lost her Insurance benefits last week and is out of money so Im going to do the best for the kids for them not to see it.  She had everyone fooled for years and not just me so starting to not feel too bad about it.  Now thats its out a dozen people told me they saw the signs for years but thought she was on cocaine or something.   Wish they spoke up and they all say the same.  Had I known how bad adderall was when I first found it years back and googled it maybe it would be different but oh well it is what it is, she called them diet pills and I found a boat load of those ephedrines as well.  Sad thing is even if she did quit its seems to be a life long road of recovery and thats when you want it.  One thing Ive learned from this site is to not take it to personally, she is treating the kids in the same irrational behavior and others so thanks for the reply and advice.  This site is just great!!!

[Doge]

Yeah they used to be called diet pills (particularly dexedrine which is basically the same thing as adderall) many years back.  That was before the word got out pretty much that they are prescription speed/cocaine.

 

People assuming she was on cocaine is not surprising.  The way I used to binge pop the pills I was behaving pretty similar to a cocaine junkie.