10 pills left

[MJ4thDimension]

Hey everyone, I've been in revovery for 9 years, had 3 three years consecutive sobriety until mid August when I went completely off the rails. I was working as a therapist in a drug and alcohol rehab and finishing my master's degree, I slowly became less vigilant of myself, and inch by inch made my back to using. After a two week run of benzos, heroin, adderrall, and coke, I woke up last friday out of drugs, but with an appointment to see a psychiatrist I had recently, and effortlessly, convinced to give me script for 90 20mg IRs. I went to the appointment, filled the script, and have been taking them ever since. I'm off all the other stuff, going to meetings, in contact with my sponsor, and trying to pick up the pieces. I lost my job and may be getting kicked out of the master's program with only 3 credits left to complete. The adderrall may have helped me stop the acute insanity and become stabilized, but it makes me feel awful. I can't feel the things I need to feel in order to grow, change, and get healthy again. I've spent a cumulative 8 of the last 9 years completely clean, having a few slips here and there. But the last 3 years have been the best of my life, until I self destructed. I was working up to flushing the rest of my script for the past couple days. The only way I was able to do that psychologically was to ration out a couple day's supply to last me until Monday, then I have an opportunity to crash for a couple days and not really do much. I decided to save 4 of them to help me study for a certification exam next month, but chances are I'll get into those as soon as my rations run out. I'll be utterly amazed if those pills remain after a couple days without any speed. But feel free to warn me of the backwards thinking behind trying to quit and saving a stash, but I'm already well aware of it. I'm insane when it comes to this stuff. And informing the Dr. who prescibed these things.. At this point, I am unwilling to do that. And yes, it is because I have a reservation to use adderrall again. The only safe measure would be to inform every single doctor in, and out of, my state. Because if I wanted to pick these things back up in the future, I could just find another idiot with a prescription pad. But that might take too much time, time in which I may turn to other things, so if I decided to get a refill I'd like it run smoothly and quickly, that way it will take less time for me to realize that I hate this stuff and can NEVER use it properly. I sound insane, I know, but thats what a two week drug binge followed by a week long adderrall romance will do to you. The most I've taken in a single day is 80mg, usually get to sleep around 7am, sleep until one and start the whole thing again. I wouldn't even get out of bed if I didn't use adderrall this week. But I'm just prolonging the inevitable, and I've had a wonderful life not using these pills, so I know what to look forward to. So Tuesday will will be my quit date. But it may end up being Wednesday if I can't stay out of my "study stash". If I can stay out of my study stash, it will help me psychologically to know that they're there, I did this when I quit cigarettes, I kept a single cigarette for a year, and would sometimes look at it just to know it was an option. But eventually, once I felt secure about not smoking, I threw it out. So hopefully that will be what happens with my "study stash" if it survives Tuesday's crash. I joined this forum because I will need support for this. I've quit all sorts of things, and know that the key component is support during the most difficult period. Then its all about self honesty, and honesty with others in order to continue to keep growing and not have the desire to go back to this stuff. Because it isolates me, keeps me trapped inside myself, and I can't obtain the peace and joy that I just recently had in my life. Thank you for being there, and creating this forum. I need it.

[quit-once]

I have gotta comment on your study  stash dilemma.

When I quit, I quit with a stash of pills in my safe deposit box.  Lots of them, like over 100.  The box key was not readily accessible.  About five months into my Quit, I started to obsess over them and felt temptation and they started calling out to me.  So I got rid of them and I have lived Adderall free for about four years now.   When I got rid of them, I had help from my best friend in 1) taking them off my hands, and 2) helping me accept the fact that there would never be a good reason to take them, ever again in my life, unless I was dying and wanted to go out on a high note.  Not a good enough reason to risk a possible relapse.

 

I am concerned that you are saving your last few pills for a specific purpose (study) and in a short time frame.  Almost a guarantee that you will use them again.  I suggest that you make a stronger commitment to yourself that you really need to quit for the duration of your lifetime in order to seek a happier future for yourself.  Sitting on that fence is uncomfortable.  Occasional use is NOT an option.  Abstinence is the only way I have stayed Adderall and nicotine free.   

[Doge]

 

And informing the Dr. who prescibed these things.. At this point, I am unwilling to do that. And yes, it is because I have a reservation to use adderrall again. The only safe measure would be to inform every single doctor in, and out of, my state.

 

It sounds like you know what you need to do.  I recommend scrap the idea of a study stash.  Any stash you leave behind is just a trail of gasoline you leave behind when you walk away.  Taking a single pill for any purpose you can justify is like lighting a match.  The flames instantly catch up to you and your addiction is roaring again, no matter how long you stayed clean.

 

Plan your quit date, and just make sure it's all gone by then, stash and all.  And tell your doctor.   Do you really want to go through this again after being 8 years clean?  That must be so painful I can feel it from here.

[MJ4thDimension]

Thanks for the replies, support, and feedback! I absolutely agree with both of you. However, I'm still actively using until I run out, so the addicted part of me has all sorts of insane ideas sounding like good ones. My thinking will most likely be transformed through the pain of withdrawal and crash, and the support of you guys during that time, I actually look forward to it in a way. It's like a re-birth, in the beginning birth is a painful experience for mother and child, but it yields a new life and all the joy, love, and happiness that comes with it, which makes the pain worth it. I need to feel the pain and suffering in order move on. But right now, the addiction has me, and is unwilling to let go of the "idea" that I can use again safely. But it's just an idea, in the future, which doesn't exist yet. So I'll let the addiction have its "idea", while I live each day at a time and run out of pills, and then continue to live each day at a time. Those are my thoughts, some valid, some still insane. But that's where I'm at.

[Doge]

When I finally reached out and admitted I am hooked and killing myself (to my doctor/supplier) the immense relief I felt was matched only by the incredulity I experienced at how simple and final it really was.

 

Don't kid yourself into thinking the matter is complicated.  One phone call to your doctor can set you *PERMANENTLY* on the path to a new life.  The longer you wait the worse it'll be.  But I'm sure I'm not telling you anything you don't already know.

I wish you the best.

[Zerokewl]

Any stash you leave behind is just a trail of gasoline you leave behind when you walk away.  Taking a single pill for any purpose you can justify is like lighting a match.  The flames instantly catch up to you and your addiction is roaring again, no matter how long you stayed clean.

 

 

boom!

[MJ4thDimension]

Bare with me as a slowly gain my sanity back. First change in thinking, I DO NOT need a "study stash". I've gotten nearly straight A's in grad school without Adderall. So that's a complete fantasy. I just need to confront the lie I tell myself about how I'm not good enough without chemical enhancement. Also, there's a degree of self-centerendness as well, because I want to make things "easier" for myself, not have to actually work hard, and concentrate. So I will not even attempt to keep the stash. So that extends my quit date to Wednesday to finish the extra pills, unless I just go on a run straight through until tomorrow night and try to finish them? That would leave me feeling cracked out and miserable by tomorrow night, so I may be able to sleep by the time it's dark. What do you think? End this burned out by doing 36 hours straight, or extend my quit date by a day? Any suggestions or experience with this?

[Doge]

binging harder just for the sake of getting rid of the pills is a bad idea.  I don't really know what to tell you.....  if you're looking for endorsement or approval for having one last hurrah, I can't in good conscience give it to you.  Overdoses do happen

 

But if you do decide to do it, make sure to notice how unremarkable it is.

 

looking back on my binges of the past, any one of them could have been the time my heart finally stopped, as much as I didn't want to think about it at the time.

 

PLEASE DONT DO SOMETHING UNSAFE

 

I'd much rather see you delay your quitting date by a day than fly into an double adderall frenzy with the misguided intention of getting clean "faster".

 

ultimately it's your choice, looking forward to meeting the clean you

[MJ4thDimension]

Always afraid of a heart attack as well. 36 hour binge idea is out. Thanks for letting me borrow your sanity while mine is out of commission temporarily.

[MJ4thDimension]

The bottle is empty. Although I'm sure at some point I'll do a search of the floor in an attempt to find a stray pill that doesn't exist. I Have some fruit ready to go my nutri-bullet to blend and drink as a smoothy. Taking fish oil with vitamin D3. Made a to-do list with 5 things on it for the day. Called my prescribing doctor and left a voicmail saying I wouldn't be coming back. I'll be in the gym later to do some walking on the treadmill then spend a good while in the sauna sweating this stuff out of my system. Going through this process is always a double edged sword for me. The "benefits" of adderall are no longer there, and it's painful. But on the other side the "costs" of adderall are no longer there either. No more constant fear of having a heart attack, thinking "is this the dose that's going to kill me?" , right before taking a pill. No more dishonesty or having to hide the addiction. No more anxious "stuck" feeling. And my true self gets to come back into the world. So today is the beginning of the next leg of my journey, to walk through my fears and settled back into alignment with my Purpose. Thank you to everyone who has helped me make (or sometimes NOT make!) decisions that have led me to back to recovery without taking Adderall. I'll let you know how I'm doing and I'll definitely need support as the days go on! Thanks!

[Doge]

I'm so happy for you.  I hope these first few days go as smoothly as possible for you.  Sauna and treadmill is a great idea.  Motivation to go there won't come easy but it will sure make you feel a hell of a lot better once you do it.

I was digging through your paragraph and looking for a key detail that seems to be crucial to the success of quitting.  This is the closest I found:

 

 

Called my prescribing doctor and left a voicmail saying I wouldn't be coming back.

 

I have to say, this sounds a bit like a half-measure.  Did you actually tell him/her you are addicted and want to be cut off permanently?  What is to stop you from changing your mind in a few months when the craving/romanticization hits?

 

I'm saying this because I personally decided to quit so many times, often making it a couple of months clean, only to change my mind and go back to the pills.  Refusing to tell the truth and the whole truth delayed my recovery by an entire year.

 

Now is the time to close this door permanently, while your resolve is strong.

[MJ4thDimension]

Thanks for the concern. However, the unfortunate reality for me is that there is no such thing as closing the door permanently through changing outside circumstances or creating safety measures. Believe me, I have tried them all.. I wish it worked like that for me! It's the equivalent of an alcoholic telling his bartender not to serve him anymore, it may work for a while, but eventually he's just going to find another bar if he wants to drink. And I will always find another doctor. And I do agree, definitely a half measure, but moreso out of avoiding the familiar guilt and shame that accompanies telling yet another person about my addiction who believed I was "normal". To hear the tone in their voice change, see the look on their face become different as they reevaluate who you are in their mind, then to feel the instant stigma of addiction being lowered like veil between you. No thankyou, I've had enough of those experiences with doctors and professionals over the years. Maybe for some people telling a doctor about their addiction is a big step, but I've done it so many times and it doesn't make the slightest difference if I allow myself to begin the relapse process. There will always be another bar, dealer, or doctor. It's about me, and taking care of my spiritual, mental, and emotional condition on daily basis. So for today, a voicemail saying that I would not be coming back is sufficient to end the relationship. It may be a half measure, but not having to go through the "I'm addicted and can't take this anymore" routine with yet another doctor is worth it for me today. So let's revisit this in a couple weeks, who knows, maybe by then, on the sheer principle of honesty and as act of humility, I may find it beneficial for my recovery and integrity to call the doctor and let him know the truth. Stranger things have happened! Lol!