The Stuggle goes beyond just quitting

[pgriffin4202]

This is an amazing website, I knew there were more like us somewhere. Adderall came close to ending my life. When I started taking Adderall I was a clinical nurse for a pediatric cardiac surgeon and newly divorced single mother working 12 hours a day. It was my way of coping and doing what I needed to do to survive. Unfortunately I had access to a signed prescription pad and to make a long story short I wrote and had filled 197 prescriptions over7 years before being caught. I wrote the last one September 6, 2007 and have been clean ever since. It hasn't been easy. Not staying clean as much as living with the consequences. I was the last person you would think about abusing drugs. High school cheerleader, homecoming court to graduating my university magna cum laude. I worked in Cardiovascular Intensive Care 10 years and then worked for Cardiac Surgeons as their nurse. My son was diagnosed ADD in 1st grade and told me he didn't want to take his Medicine because of the way it made me feel, so I tried it. The 1st one I took made me feel like what I had always thought normal people felt like. I struggled with major depression and anxiety my whole life and it alleviated that with the first dose. Five years later I was taking 180mgs 3-4 times a day. It's been 8 years and even though I was able to have my criminal record exponged and, get my Nursing license back without disciplinary action, I feel as though I threw my life away. I make it day to day in a very mundane office job that thank God it gave me the chance to work again and meet the requirements of the board of nursing, I am so bored. When I was able to seek employment again without restrictions and a clean criminal record, my history was always retrievable some where on the Internet and kept me from getting another job. I am thankful for having another chance at life but I can't help but feel I deserve whatever bad comes my way.

Regrets and shame serve no purpose, but for me they are always there no matter how much therapy I have. Fortunately I have made the most genuine friends I have ever had that have also struggled with addictions. For me they are my lifeline. Even though I still struggle with depression, I am present for my family and have been there in times of crisis which I never could never do during my later years on adderall. I do the best I can to stay grateful and work with other nurses going through what I have been through. If I can keep one person from experiencing what happened to me, it was all worth it.

[Firefly]

Thanks for sharing. I agree this site is so important. I don't know where I would be without this site.

[BeHereNow]

 If I can keep one person from experiencing what happened to me, it was all worth it.

 

THIS.

[quit-once]

Quitting is an event.  I quit at midnight on June 3, 2011.   Recovery is the process by which you heal your mind and body from this awful addiction.  I don't like to admit it, but I feel like I am still recovering.

[Doge]

 

 If I can keep one person from experiencing what happened to me, it was all worth it.

 

I clung to this so tightly.  It was my precious silver lining during the period of black despair when I was waking up to the stupidity of my destructive choices.

[AmytheCatLover]

Thank you for sharing your story! I just found this site and it is SUCH a relief to know that there are others like me out there. Sending you love.

[AlwaysAwesome]

I am sorry you have had to experience this.  Thanks for sharing your story.  Welcome to the site!