Help me. I wanna die.

[FadingFast]

Help.

[LILTEX41]

No!!!  You should NOT do that!!!  There are people here on this earth like your family and friends that need you.  They need the real you back.  There are other people you could help recover.  You have so much to offer this world, but you can't offer anything when you are hooked in a trance from adderall/xanax like this. 

 

Your family probably does not have any idea that this is not who you really are and it is in fact the "prescriptions" you are taking which have turned you into this mess.  In my opinion, your best bet would be to come clean to them and get the help you need.  Stop taking them and crash for however long it takes until you can rebuild yourself back up and into a new person.  You can start over at any time.  They won't understand it and don't expect them to, but ask them for help, support, and encouragement.  They will be proud of you for coming to terms with your problems and trying to fix it.  And believe me, they will be more proud of you for this than probably anything else you could do in life.  Once they see the real YOU that is not tranquilized by all these drugs, it will bring them so much joy.  Please just take care of yourself and do whatever you need to get clean.  There is a better life for you out there and you won't find it in the state that you're in.  I hate to tell you that, but it will only continue to get worse no matter how many things you achieve.  

 

If you want help getting clean try Smart Recovery or AA or go inpatient to a rehab center.  Get an addiction counselor and come clean to your doctor about what is really going on.

 

Please take care of yourself.  This site is a great place to help support you along this journey, but it can only do so much. Get the extra help you need and you will be so grateful down the road. 

 

And one last thing, the way you are feeling right now is a result of the adderall.  It is setting you off on this extreme roller coaster of euphoria and deep dark depression.  People have hurt themselves and not been given a second chance because of this drug. It's like cocaine. Please understand that what you think is helping you succeed has the potential to kill you in the wrong frame of mind. If you are walking around in a psychosis like this all the time you are absolutely right. You cannot differentiate between what is real and what is false. I was there myself dozens of times and felt suicidal.  Here I am now to tell you if I can quit so can you. I was on it for over 5 years and went to a psych ward twice after overdosing. Please get help.

 

Godspeed

[WTFadderall]

Wow. I checked the time that you posted your plea for help - right around the same time, I was trying to keep my sh!t together and fighting a suicidal thought. Two strangers on this planet were, at the same time, battling similar demons and ended up at the same tiny place on this vast global network. Painful situation, but I love it when that kind of thing happens.

I want to thank you for writing about your problems. And thank you, Liltex, everything you said was true. I feel bad for you and hope you manage to handle the social anxiety long enough to wean off the adderall. I'm getting off of it after a few weeks trial run. I thought it was the miracle I needed all my life, but boy oh boy, this is the first time in many, many years that I had a suicidal thought! I honestly think you're making yourself more miserable with the meds.

Like yourself, I am trying to achieve...well, I tried this year to go back to school for my business degree. Social anxiety disorder caused me to drop out the first time around. I couldn't afford to enroll this fall, so I threw myself into learning programming and Spanish on my own. I told my doctor how anxiety made it hard to focus and *poof*, suddenly I was diagnosed ADHD and prescribed Adderall. The first week was absolutely amazing! I was a sociable thinking machine with high hopes, motivation and intense focus. That was the euphoria. When that went away, I lost the sharp clarity and had to take more medication to get any kind of results. Now, I feel more depressed when the Adderall wears off, prompting me to refill my mind with it. This is the beginning of dependency and addiction.

Even now, my depressed thoughts are to pop a couple pills so I can have a fun, productive Saturday night instead of moping in sad loneliness. Is it worth the subsequent crash? I moved out of my parent's house so I could hide my embarrassing life from the family because they never could empathize. So, basically no support system for me, emotionally or financially, besides my faith and my determination to be of some good use in this life. I hope life gets better for me. I hope life gets better for you. Sorry, I meant this to be much more encouraging for you. : /

[LILTEX41]

WTFadderall,

 

You said, "So basically no support system for me emotionally or financially, besides my faith and my determination to be of some good use in this life."  

 

This may be true right at this moment, but you can easily change that.  You can come clean to your loved ones and ask for support.  You will feel so much better if you do.  You are digging yourself into a pit further and further.  You will stop sinking if you put the shovel down and stop digging.  It really can be that simple.  For me, one of the things that I've been doing is to make a few lists and keep them with me at all times so that way whenever I have an urge I can refer to my lists.  Here are my lists.

 

1. Reasons to NOT use alcohol/drugs

2. Reasons for being sober 

3. Consequences from using in the past

 

By reviewing all of these things every time I have an urge and hear that addictive voice speaking to me, I can distract myself long enough for the urge to pass and remain sober.  I hope you might consider giving it a shot.  

[Doge]

It cannot be said any better than it already has.  Take it from someone who beat this for 5 years.  LILTEX has won the battle.

 

List #3 is the first to be ignored when my brain starts racing trying to give myself permission to relapse.

 

Please tell someone.  It won't be the disaster you think it will be.  

 

Once adderall has the hook in your brain it's virtual impossible to quit without making sure you remove the option to go back to it.  Willpower alone works for a couple months only, I have found in the past.

[WTFadderall]

Hi LILTEX, doge...

 

I agree, abusing chemicals and substances is not the way to go ever.  And with the way adderall abuses our nervous system, that's not the way to go either. 

 

I did open up to my family and ex-boyfriend, many times.  No one ever agreed that I had an anxiety disorder that needed real treatment.  Every single one of them dismissed it as "all in my head" or not a "real" problem like diabetes or schizophrenia.  So, I did the best I could on my own and became a nervous wreck.

 

Thanks for the encouragement. 

[FadingFast]

Good evening all,

 

I am forever grateful and appreciative for all of your advice, words of encouragement, and sharing of experiences and success stories.  You guys don't know how helpful you've been.   I woke up after a good night's sleep (finally).   Good sleep is sporadic for me these days.   I was feeling better upon waking up so I decided to start studying, and once again I felt inadequate like I always do without Adderall.  I have severe ADHD, along with a host of other issues.   And once again, I was too weak to push through without Adderall so I took my usual dose of 60mgs.    I was fine for a few hours then again that anxiety started crawling up the back of my neck like sharped-nailed fingers and I started feeling like I would go down to how I felt last night.  I came back on here and saw that there have been responses to my post and I read them and they've truly helped stop and alleviate (a bit) of my downward spiral into total bleak and hopelessness once again.   Honestly, I canNOT thank you all enough for the advice and supportive words.  I just wish my real life friends who have lost all hope and abandoned me understood my condition like you guys.   To quote one of them, I'm the "junkie pill-head junkie fuck who will always be a nothing in life."  

 

LILTEX41, doge, WTFadderall, I can't thank you all enough.  

 

If it's ok, let me ask you guys something with regards to psychosis.   Are the voices I hear in public (like at school or at the gym) talking about "he's high" or "he's on Adderall" or "he's a tweaker" real?  I NEVER see them actually say these things but the voices seem so real that I can't help but believe that they are.   Maybe I'm just asking this question as a self-reassurance thing but I have to know that I'm not acting crazy without my own knowledge in the eyes of other people around me.   

[Doge]

The way you've described it, it sounds impossible that they are real voices.  EVEN if people were talking about you like that, you'd never be able to hear them.  They'd be whispering it silently.  

 

For people to constantly be saying this about you, I would assume you'd have to look like this



which I sincerely doubt you do (sorry trying to lighten the tone with some humour).  Anyways the point is that you KNOW you need to stop this madness.  Don't let it take anymore away from you.  

 

You can get rid of the pills and prove everyone wrong once you get back on your feet.  

 

But you have to do it first and foremost for yourself.  Fuck everyone else and their pressure.  Life is too short to be giving your precious time to the demon of adderall.

[Doge]

And about the support system

 

 

 

I did open up to my family and ex-boyfriend, many times.  No one ever agreed that I had an anxiety disorder that needed real treatment.

 

I mean your doctor.  Tell them you're addicted and the pills are destroying you.  If your doctor is worth anything as a professional at all, they will instantly cut you off.  Otherwise they are a drug dealer/pusher.

I understand the reluctance to this.  It's like when you hear stories about people who are continually physically abusive with their spouse who for some reason just never calls the cops on them.  To everyone else the solution is obvious just call the cops put that fucker in jail and get the hell out of there.  But they are so afraid of life without that person that they continually accept the abuse and do nothing.

 

That's what adderall did and does to us every time we take it.

 

Basically you have to be at such a painful place where your consciousness says "fuck this" and you feel the conviction to just do it.  And when that moment hits don't hesitate for a second and call your doctor, tell them over the phone if you have to.  Don't delay because the moment can fade.  It's so hard, I know, and it has to be the right time for you.  But it is your silver bullet against the adderall werewolf.

[SleepyStupid]

you don't need to bottom out to start saving your own life. it's just that most people can't make that commitment until they've experienced losing absolutely everything. you're still in school, you still have a roof over your head and you will still have a supportive family if you choose to accept their help. (:

[WTFadderall]

Hi FadingFast, glad to see you're alright. 

 

What a weekend...I stayed in bed or on my couch the whole time, detoxing!  I feel better today than this time Friday night, for sure!!  I didn't take the tempting adderall.  Therefore, no fun night out, no studying.  But my nerves have calmed down, thank goodness.  I can't imagine the hell you must feel after SIXTY mgs starts to wear off.  I was getting psychotic from just 20 mgs a day.  Maybe that's contributing to the voices in your head?  And LilTex, I can't fathom what it must have been like coming off of it after so many years!  Hats off to you.

 

Doge 7 sleepystupid, I definately will tell my doctor of my experience with the medication.  Although, now, I'm a little distrustful of him for prescribing it in the first place.  But I am curious...does this stuff actually work for some people without side effects?  I've reviewed other boards that had nothing but good things to say about adderall, which is what led me to try it in the first place.

 

Little bummed now though...back to feeling helpless to improve my quality of life.  I took the adderall so I could focus better on the job and learn new skills so that i could, for once, promote out of an entry level position and make more money doing something more interesting.  Heading back to work in a few hours is going to feel like I'm returning to square one, where I've been for 20+ years.  Makes me feel embarrassed, which fuels my social anxiety, causing more fogginess and forgetfulness, causing coworkers and boss to think less of me, which causes my anxiety to spike and depression to sink in lower, which will tempt me to ....aww dammit. Guess I'll be heading back over to the ADHD website now. 

 

Has anyone tried the alternative med to adderall?  Not sure if it's a generic, but I heard it was as effective but without the side effects and much gentler on the nerves?  I'll have to look up the name for it.

[Doge]

 

 

Makes me feel embarrassed, which fuels my social anxiety, causing more fogginess and forgetfulness, causing coworkers and boss to think less of me, which causes my anxiety to spike and depression to sink in lower, which will tempt me to ....aww dammit. Guess I'll be heading back over to the ADHD website now. 

 

I quit on a weekend and went back to work on day 3 of recovery.  I still had withdrawal sweats when I started my day but at least I had a couple nights worth of sleep under my belt.

One of my coworkers decided to butt in and correct me on some irrelevant detail that did not detract from the purpose or point of my work at all (he was just being a smartass).

 

I flipped him the middle finger and told him to go fuck himself.  The two other people in the room had their jaws hanging open and just stared at me in silence.  Not proud of my behaviour here.

 

I like to think that if an actual authority figure would have been around I would have had a bit more restraint.

 

Detox is a bitch.  But you will get through it and come out stronger for it I promise!

[SleepyStupid]

Doge 7 sleepystupid, I definately will tell my doctor of my experience with the medication.  Although, now, I'm a little distrustful of him for prescribing it in the first place.  But I am curious...does this stuff actually work for some people without side effects?  I've reviewed other boards that had nothing but good things to say about adderall, which is what led me to try it in the first place.

 

Has anyone tried the alternative med to adderall?  Not sure if it's a generic, but I heard it was as effective but without the side effects and much gentler on the nerves?  I'll have to look up the name for it.

many people take adderall therapeutically and have great success with it. generally if you are abusing it you will have worse side effects than the therapeutic users. also if you are sensitive to the medication there are certainly alternatives such as Vyvanse. if you were taking adderall as prescribed and had a bad reaction to it, i would certainly discuss further options with your doctor. one thing I can definitely say though is that adderall should never be prescribed off label for depression. that is dangerous.

[Doge]

 

 

The first week was absolutely amazing! I was a sociable thinking machine with high hopes, motivation and intense focus. That was the euphoria. When that went away, I lost the sharp clarity and had to take more medication to get any kind of results. Now, I feel more depressed when the Adderall wears off, prompting me to refill my mind with it. This is the beginning of dependency and addiction.

 

You will experience the exact same thing with any adderall alternative.  Good diet, exercise, and proper sleep routine is the best for you in the long game.  Anything else is a quick fix that will end in sadness or much, much worse.

[WTFadderall]

Reluctantly, I have to agree with you both.

[FadingFast]

Hey guys I'm still here.  Last night I couldn't sleep and I had class at 8am.   I've been up since waking up to a "great night's sleep" from the day before.  I only took 45mg today and surprisingly, I haven't taken any Xanax yet.  It's weird because I'm very tired but I can't seem to fall asleep.   I just popped two L-Tyrosine capsules (1000mg each) and a 10mg Paxil.  Hopefully the Paxil knocks me out to sleep.  

 

btw, today is my niece's birthday and my addiction has gone so bad that I pretended I was asleep in my room when they tried to knock to see if I wanted to go to the party with them.   All I do is stay home, in my room, and communicate with people through messageboards now.   This is pretty f'ng pathetic.   Why am so scared of being around people?  I hate this.

[LILTEX41]

Fading fast,

 

Wow, can't believe you just posted this.  Look, you did something AMAZING today.  You actually ONLY took half of your normal daily dose!  Please give yourself kudos for this.  You deserve a big pat on the back!  

 

I completely understand where you are at.  You know you are addicted, your life is seriously fucked up because of this drug, and yet the thought of giving it up is absolutely horrifying.  Believe me, I get it.  I think it's actually a great thing that it's gotten this bad for you.  Sometimes you have to sink pretty low before you are willing to quit.  The week before I went to the ER I was so fucked up my lips were purple, my knuckles had scabs because my skin was so dry it actually cracked open, my hair was falling out, and I was like 95 lbs.  I was hallucinating at work and extremely hostile to one of my subordinates.  My co-workers were ALL giving me extremely concerned looks and I felt it so intensely I had to leave.  I was at my breaking point.  I knew I had to change. Seeing the looks on their faces told me everything I needed to know about myself.  I had hidden it for awhile, but that week I was under stress about some presentation and I just kept taking so much, not sleeping, and I was tweaking out.  I needed for that to happen.  I just wanted to get better and never have to go back to work in that condition again.  I was mortified.  

 

It makes me so sad now when I think back to that time in my life where I isolated for months at a time in my apartment, 1200 miles away from all my friends and family, and I was all alone with my pills, pot, and alcohol. I hate thinking about it.  That's no way to live.  It just makes me feel sad I ever went through that and I would never want to wish that on anyone ever.  Yet that is the heart and soul of an adderall addiction.  It will leave you isolated and ROB your soul of all the amazing wonderful things life has to offer.  You need friends!!!  You need family!!  You need sleep!!  You need good nutrition, exercise, and a life full of hobbies and things you actually enjoy doing.  Life can be so good again if you just rip the band aid off and throw away those fucking pills.  You don't need them!!  They are sucking you dry and stealing precious years off your life.  Once you are off those pills you won't be scared of people anymore. You won't have to hide your addiction.  And how badly do you want to prove those dickwads wrong about you that said you'd amount to nothing?!  Don't let them dictate your future like that.  DELETE that shit from your brain and start imagining the life you want.  Make a plan to quit and then JUST DO IT.  Don't look back. Don't second guess it.  Don't think for one minute your life is going to be better on this shit because it's not.  When was the last time you laughed and smiled?  When was the last time you woke up and felt good inside?  When was the last time you felt content, peaceful, and found some sort of joy in your world?  And don't let your addicted brain tell you it was the last time you popped a pill.  That's horse shit.  That's speed.  That's not real joy.  That's not real happiness.  It's a drug tricking and deceiving you that is fucking up your life.

 

Ok, I gotta go to bed.  I hope you are okay.  I just want you too see that there is a GREAT LIFE for you ahead when you are ready for it.  You CAN DO THIS.  I have SO MUCH FAITH IN YOU and I don't even know you, but I can just tell.  I know you can do it!!!

 

Hope you get some sleep tonight.   

Hugs!

[WTFadderall]

Been there. Years ago, before I started any medication, my social anxiety was so bad, I would waste entire days working up the courage to simply open my door and get the mail. No exaggeration - from morning until 2 -3 a.m., I panicked about opening my door at just the same time my neighbors might just happen to open theirs. Usually around 3:30 a.m., I figured the coast was clear and I would make my way to the mailbox, trembling. Then there were times I went hungry because grocery shopping was unbearable. I've come a long way, but even today I overheard coworkers say I was strange.

Doge, I loved your comeback to a rude coworker lol.

I think adderall made me feel twice as sociable while fresh in my system, twice as socially anxious after it wore off. I tried Paxil, Xanax, Prozac and a host of other meds that all made me either more anxious or more depressed, sometimes both. Could it be possible you're going in the wrong direction with all the meds you're taking? I've narrowed my meds down to two now and have only a fraction of the side effects that I had with 3-4 meds.

[WTFadderall]

Liltex, you really went through it with this medicine! Thanks for sharing your experience, wisdom and encouragement.

[LILTEX41]

WTFadderall, 

 

Love your example of what it did to you.  I was the same way.  I would try to hide from people because I knew I looked a wreck and it made me too paranoid to be seen when I'd go out blasted.  I remember walking around the grocery store and always freaking out that everyone was watching and talking about me.

 

I don't take any meds now just to make that clear.  I've found exercise to be the best possible medication ever and being outdoors in nature.  I'm not saying meds are bad, just coming clean on what I've found that's worked best for me.

[FadingFast]

Fading fast,

 

Wow, can't believe you just posted this.  Look, you did something AMAZING today.  You actually ONLY took half of your normal daily dose!  Please give yourself kudos for this.  You deserve a big pat on the back!  

 

I completely understand where you are at.  You know you are addicted, your life is seriously fucked up because of this drug, and yet the thought of giving it up is absolutely horrifying.  Believe me, I get it.  I think it's actually a great thing that it's gotten this bad for you.  Sometimes you have to sink pretty low before you are willing to quit.  The week before I went to the ER I was so fucked up my lips were purple, my knuckles had scabs because my skin was so dry it actually cracked open, my hair was falling out, and I was like 95 lbs.  I was hallucinating at work and extremely hostile to one of my subordinates.  My co-workers were ALL giving me extremely concerned looks and I felt it so intensely I had to leave.  I was at my breaking point.  I knew I had to change. Seeing the looks on their faces told me everything I needed to know about myself.  I had hidden it for awhile, but that week I was under stress about some presentation and I just kept taking so much, not sleeping, and I was tweaking out.  I needed for that to happen.  I just wanted to get better and never have to go back to work in that condition again.  I was mortified.  

 

It makes me so sad now when I think back to that time in my life where I isolated for months at a time in my apartment, 1200 miles away from all my friends and family, and I was all alone with my pills, pot, and alcohol. I hate thinking about it.  That's no way to live.  It just makes me feel sad I ever went through that and I would never want to wish that on anyone ever.  Yet that is the heart and soul of an adderall addiction.  It will leave you isolated and ROB your soul of all the amazing wonderful things life has to offer.  You need friends!!!  You need family!!  You need sleep!!  You need good nutrition, exercise, and a life full of hobbies and things you actually enjoy doing.  Life can be so good again if you just rip the band aid off and throw away those fucking pills.  You don't need them!!  They are sucking you dry and stealing precious years off your life.  Once you are off those pills you won't be scared of people anymore. You won't have to hide your addiction.  And how badly do you want to prove those dickwads wrong about you that said you'd amount to nothing?!  Don't let them dictate your future like that.  DELETE that shit from your brain and start imagining the life you want.  Make a plan to quit and then JUST DO IT.  Don't look back. Don't second guess it.  Don't think for one minute your life is going to be better on this shit because it's not.  When was the last time you laughed and smiled?  When was the last time you woke up and felt good inside?  When was the last time you felt content, peaceful, and found some sort of joy in your world?  And don't let your addicted brain tell you it was the last time you popped a pill.  That's horse shit.  That's speed.  That's not real joy.  That's not real happiness.  It's a drug tricking and deceiving you that is fucking up your life.

 

Ok, I gotta go to bed.  I hope you are okay.  I just want you too see that there is a GREAT LIFE for you ahead when you are ready for it.  You CAN DO THIS.  I have SO MUCH FAITH IN YOU and I don't even know you, but I can just tell.  I know you can do it!!!

 

Hope you get some sleep tonight.  

Hugs!

Thank you.  You are amazing.  That hit me hard.

[WTFadderall]

WTFadderall, 

 

Love your example of what it did to you.  I was the same way.  I would try to hide from people because I knew I looked a wreck and it made me too paranoid to be seen when I'd go out blasted.  I remember walking around the grocery store and always freaking out that everyone was watching and talking about me.

 

I don't take any meds now just to make that clear.  I've found exercise to be the best possible medication ever and being outdoors in nature.  I'm not saying meds are bad, just coming clean on what I've found that's worked best for me.

Well, it's embarrassing to admit it, but to be clear, I was/am a nervous wreck before/without medication. My doctor suggested the Adderall to help me focus while I try to manage the social anxiety, but it made it worse. So far, though, I still feel better since cutting it off last Friday, not as depressed. I'm going to get more sleep, take more gingko biloba and evening walks, and pray more. This alone will be better for me than that horrible Adderall.

[LILTEX41]

WTF,

 

Sounds like an excellent plan!!