I'm panicking and can't decide - please help

[Zoka]

Hey everyone,

 

I have 12 days left in this semester of school at which point I'm scheduled to quit (my choice). I have let so much pile up as far as homework, projects, studying, and exams because I have lost my ability to concentrate and I'm depressed. Plus my house is a disaster. Everything in my life right now is beyond disorganized. I want to flush all of my pills down the toilet right now but I'm pretty sure I would wake up in the morning feeling like that was a big mistake and then have to drop my classes. But I just can't keep doing this anymore. I feel like I've reached a point where I'm deadlocked - I can't function with the pills and I can't function without them. I can't tell if I'm just freaking out. I'm looking for any advice. Has anyone quit during semester or extremely heavy workload? What should I do??

[LILTEX41]

Have you stopped taking them recently or have you been tapering slowly?  

[BeHereNow]

Hey friend, I understand SO well what you're saying.  You feel like you need them, could benefit from these pills, yet that you also need to ditch them.  The ambivalence is horrific!

 

Honestly, whether it has been drugs or relationships or any other activity/habit/aspect of my life, I've decided that if I have to even ask if it's right/okay, then something is usually very wrong for me in the end.

 

Honestly, though, and some people on our forum here might disagree with me on this, but in your case, with finals and such, after thinking it over, I wouldn't even try to quit until you're done with the semester.  You probably don't want that major life transition/rupture right now.  Unless you're experiencing amphetamine psychosis or seriously ruining your work by taking it or having heart issues or something major, usually it's easier (and more successful) if you quit when you have some time off.  Again, though, this really depends on how it's affecting you. 

 

(ntensely edited post!!)

[BeHereNow]

Hey everyone,

 

I have 12 days left in this semester of school at which point I'm scheduled to quit (my choice). I have let so much pile up as far as homework, projects, studying, and exams because I have lost my ability to concentrate and I'm depressed. Plus my house is a disaster. Everything in my life right now is beyond disorganized. I want to flush all of my pills down the toilet right now but I'm pretty sure I would wake up in the morning feeling like that was a big mistake and then have to drop my classes. But I just can't keep doing this anymore. I feel like I've reached a point where I'm deadlocked - I can't function with the pills and I can't function without them. I can't tell if I'm just freaking out. I'm looking for any advice. Has anyone quit during semester or extremely heavy workload? What should I do??

 

 

Hey Zoka,

 

I just edited my post (above) and I really clarified my thoughts on this.  I am NOT a doctor.  But I want you to know I empathize with the need to quit when academic pressure is high.  You can message me if you want.  I might be able to help since I'm in school, too.

 

It sounds to me like you are very anxious right now...?  I mean, you have a lot going on, so it's understandable!

 

Finals time is anxiety provoking enough!  And quitting adderall is pretty terrifying.  Each of those has its own tricky route to navigate.  Plus, most adderallics have perfectionist tendencies.  Unnecessarily perfectionist tendencies that automatically assume we aren't good enough.  

 

Finals time? Quitting adderall?  Nothing you can't handle!!!! 

 

It's a matter of timing everything right.  And prioritizing.  What's your main goal?  Or, goals?  Short term, long term? 

 

You're going to do great And you already are!

[Zoka]

I couldn't shake the need to be done asap. The pills were really hindering my ability to concentrate and get anything done and I was equally (if not more) useless without them. I am really close to my professors so I decided to just talk to them. I met with one yesterday, she is going to give me an incomplete for now and she will revisit the exams and projects with me starting next semester (February). I am going to talk to my other professor today and I'm sure it will be the same. Yesterday was the first day I didn't take anything and it felt good. While I had to take a few naps - I was just overall in a good mood. I'm fortunate that my partner and I have a business which he doesn't need me for. He wants me to just "lay around with the cats for a few weeks." Thank you for your responses.

[SleepyStupid]

im happy that you chose your life and health over obligations. you're lucky that you have understanding professors and the time to appreciate cats!! you should absolutely capitalize on these blessings and get yourself into a better state of mind. 

 

i do have to admit though, i would agree with BeHereNow: for many people attempting to quit adderall at the same time as critical life obligations is simply too much. one of the terrible results of this could be something like dropping out of school, then later on blaming your life problems on trying to quit. it will be easier to convince yourself that you *need* adderall to succeed. that being said, there is of course never a "perfect" time to quit, but it seems like you have a great opportunity and time to recoop so congratulations on your decision and hope to see you around here more (: 

[BeHereNow]

Oh great point Sleepy!!!  That kind of mentality can easily justify a relapse.

 

Zoka, congrats on quitting, and on getting that incomplete!   You are so blessed to have understanding professors, and I think the right choice is to talk to them.  That's amazing that you have a supportive partner, too! 

 

Adderall can make it increasingly difficult to focus, like you're describing.  That happened to me at the end, too.  I quit (against my will) during winter break (December 30, 2012), but that was only a week before starting the most intensely challenging semester of my entire life.  So I slacked off a lot and did the bare minimum for a couple months, and I took two incompletes that spring.  But I did it.  I had to humble myself and go to my professors for extra help every week, but I still did it.  I can tell by your voice that you will, too. 

 

So, for now and for next semester (since quitting takes time!), I'd really recommend staying close to your professors.  Personally I never told them I was quitting, I just asked for extra help.  That's what got me through it.  Within two months I went from being all high and mighty on adderall, to walking into my prof's office and telling him that it's all Greek to me.   It was one of the most humbling experiences of my life.

 

And, my GPA went up.  That quitting semester, I had a higher GPA than any adderall-infused previous one.

 

I'd say, do what you have to do, but like Sleepy said, make sure you don't let quitting adderall become a reason for quitting school.

 

I love your partner's advice to just rest.   In recovery there will be hard days, and you can ALWAYS come here to vent.    But in a way it's kind of enjoyable to finally just let go of it all, all that pressure, all the poisons that are stressing out your body and mind.  It's all contrived.  Just relax, watch movies, and eat delicious food.  I'd say treat yourself like royalty during this time.  Most people get through school and life by slacking off and procrastinating anyway

[Zoka]

I will definitely be around here! I have found great motivation from this place and everyone here and I know I will continue to need it. I've had a long history of drug use and I've learned there isn't much that can beat this kind of support. I think the mentality you describe is a big part of what kept me from quitting before. I think Adderall and I reached our limit together. I honestly was ready to take F's and pay back financial aid for the classes and whatever else it took to be done now. That was also probably the anxiety/panic attack I was having and I am super glad that's not what I ended up having to deal with!! :-) I am very lucky. I probably couldn't do this otherwise. 

 

I will probably be kind to myself and only take one class next semester while I finish these other classes. BEHERENOW, I will definitely stay close to my professors - I've always been that student anyway. They make school a little easier :-) It's really encouraging to hear that your GPA came up. I'm terrified about how I will be able to do anything... take notes in class, research anything, study for exams, write a paper.. or even make breakfast. I literally feel like I am going to suck at everything. I leave in one month from today for my study abroad trip in Belize for 2 weeks. I am also terrified for that. Three days canoeing sounds exhausting. Hiking through rain forests sounds exhausting. It really all sounds amazing but I don't know if I'm fooling myself. I am excited but I am also really scared because I have no idea how I'm going to feel. 

 

Anyway, thanks for listening. I'm not sure who else I would tell. 

[Bryan2010]

Wow you sound exactly like me! I'm having the exact same problem I have one semeser left of nursing school I feel like it will be impossible to do without adderall. I literally am sitting in my messy house having a breakdown (yes i flushed my pills) but thats only bc I know I still have a script I can fill and as soon as I start to get over this little breakdown of hell I will have some other test or reason to pop a bunch more and start the endless cycle all over again its exausting

[AlwaysAwesome]

If you really think about, does a messy house make you a bad person?  Give yourself a break and let go of the impossible expectations you have set for yourself because Adderall once made it possible.  You will never be the person you are on Adderall when you aren't on Adderall.  So, stop trying to be.  It is not so bad to be a normal person.  There is too much pressure on super heroes.