This has to stop..

[Quitting4good]

Hey- so this is my first time posting, but I have read over this site a million times over the last 6 years while I was trying to stop using Adderall. I don't even know where to begin, I am just so frustrated in myself for letting this go on for so long and always relapsing because I know just how to convince myself into using Adderall. I started taking it in college to study for finals, then it turned into taking it to stay up while going out and partying, and then I started depending on it for everything (cleaning, shopping, all school work, laundry). I kept up my use during graduate school and then also when I graduated and moved in with my now fiance, who actually has ADHD and is prescribed Adderall, which created another huge problem- I have taken a lot of pills from him (I've only had my own prescription for a short time and would buy them otherwise). I feel so disgusted with my actions, I love him so much and never want to hurt him. He keeps his prescription at his office because I will take them them, and if he does bring any home, I always find a way to take some and convince myself that he won't find out and then I take way more then I planned on and have to tell him because its obvious when 10 pills are missing. I started going to a therapist last month after I took yet another pill from my fiance, and things were going well until Saturday when he brought some home and since I am sneaky and manipulative, I found his hiding spot and had complete binge on Adderall. I only planned on taking a few on one day and that turned into a lot over 2 days. My fiance is so upset with me and is appalled at how much I took and also worries that I could of had a heart attack. So now here I am, I did not sleep at all last night and have a terrible headache, twitchy, foggy, craving more, tired, depressed, guilty, angry, and even had to call out of work today. All of these negatives for what, an extra boost of energy and motivation to keep busy and active when I could of easily enjoyed my weekend more without taking any pills. I crave and expect the euphoria I used to get from Adderall, but I don't get that anymore, no matter how many I take, so why am I still going back to this stupid orange pill? It only causes emotional pain, physical pain, and relationship problems. This has to be my last slip- one final all out binge of Adderall, my rock bottom. I have said this over 20 times over the years, but I really do want this to be the end of my addiction. I'd really appreciate any comments, support, or advice, also anyone else's similar struggles with relapsing. Thank you for letting me share!

[fkadderall]

hey! first step to quitting pills is realizing that you have a problem. GOOD JOB!!!

i truly understand what you're going through. they are really innocent looking pills aren't they? you have to treat adderall like meth. the more you take, the more you won't solve anything. the crash sucks balls. if those pills didn't cause any bad side effects, you know id probably use it everyday. those pharmaceutical companies make us believe that pharma stuff are safer than street drugs. I know you want to stop. you can live life without drugs. it's not easy to live life without it but it's definitely possible. And you know that your boyfriend hates it when you use his pills. I'm going to make it clear. when i was wired 24/7 on adderall, i thought that the productivity that i got from it made me successful. WRONG!!! they just turned me into a very DEPRESSED DRUG ADDICT.  5 years will feel like a second. don't wait another year to stop while you can stop at this very second. 

[Quitting4good]

Thank you so much for the support, Its so hard going through this when you feel alone in the addiction, like no one understands the intense power this stupid drug has over you. I agree with your point, I need to see Adderall as a serious drug, like meth, it's so addictive, if I knew what I know now I would of never tried it. I've made some progress considering I used to take it daily, and now it's more of the random use so I know I can function perfectly fine without it, but I want to stop completely and get rid of this obsession. The depression that occurs afterwards is just awful, so not worth it at all.

[fkadderall]

but you can't use it occasionally either. it numbs the shit out of your emotions. If i were an huge heroin addict, i wouldn't use it once every 6 month and call myself "cleaned up". just get rid of the feeling of uppers. if i were forced to whether use coke or adderall, id chose coke. not that i would ever use coke. i didn't stop until i felt extremly shity. i'm a couple of months clean and it might take a while to feel rewarded without amphetamine dependency. I wanted to quit a year ago but i only managed to kick my addiction during july. save your time and don't use it again

[bluemoon]

Hey. I just wanted to let you know that I can totally relate to your story. I started taking Adderall almost three years ago and it didn't take me long to realize that the more you take, the stronger the effect is, the more productive I was, and it was pretty fun too. At first, I started by just doubling my prescribed dose. Then I would run out early and I would scream and beg for more. I got angry at my doctor who refused to continue prescribing it to me.  And I found another doctor who was willing to give me what I wanted. When you want it bad enough, you always find a way to get what you want. I wish I had quit after the first doctor cut me off (which was at the beginning of my addiction, within the first few months). Before I knew it, almost three years passed and this drug still had a hold on me. I'm so ashamed of myself. I've tried to quit more times than I can count, and like you, I have definitely had some stretches of time where I was able to function without it. But then I would get bored or depressed, and binge. And then I somehow talked myself into getting back to taking it daily, at my prescribed dose. And for a short while, I did just take it as prescribed. But it didn't take long until I started upping my dose again. Even though I know Adderall makes me miserable, exhausted, anxious, angry, sore, and nothing good comes from it... I for some reason continued to put this poison in my body. Why?? I have no idea. It got to a point where I couldn't even name one positive benefit that Adderall gave me, other than helping to drag my miserable ass out of bed every morning, but I just couldn't stop taking it. Isn't that just absolute insanity? The list of negative consequences it has on our lives is endless.

 

Anyway, you've come to the right place. Just keep coming back!! Keep updating, keep posting. It sounds like you are really ready to quit. You can do this! There are lots of wonderful people here who understand and care. We're all in this together. I'm only 17 days sober, but because of this site, I swear this quit is for good. I'm here for you and looking forward to seeing your progress. Can't wait until we can finally beat this addiction for good

[quit-once]

All three of you who have posted so far on this thread have an incredible amount of determination and will to kick this addiction!  I get a renewed sense of loathing for this drug and its addiction just by reading your posts.  Its funny how it affected all of us in similar ways and how we came to the same point where we knew it was time to quit for good. 

In my case, I didn't quit because I thought I "should" quit, but because if I didn't quit, I * knew* that I was going to suffer some awful long term health problems and I would regret this addiction for the rest of my life.  As it is, I don't regret the addiction because the drug helped me get through a rough section of life and I was able to fully recover from nine years of abuse and I learned some valuable lessons.  But I don't hate the drug Adderall any less now than I ever did during late use or early recovery.  I absolutely loathe that fucking drug and have no room for it in my life ever again. 

[Quitting4good]

Thank you so much for the support. I actually started crying reading your replies because I'm not the only one who has struggled with this drug, it makes me feel like I'm not crazy. I'm very happy I got the courage to post and start to use this site to help maintain my sobriety from adderall. Today is day 1 of the rest of my life without any adderall!

[fkadderall]

If you haven't overdosed then died, you still have a chance to live life

[IMSTAS]

I agree with FKADDERALL-trying to go back to taking it as prescribed or having a few fun days here and there is going to cause you pain each time. I also stopped drinking about 7 years ago and I tried every conceivable method for reducing or regulating my drinking and it was absolute torture. I think my addicted mind makes most things an all or nothing situation. I knew this about myself when I decided to quit adderall so I knew weaning off was not the best way-at least for me anyway. I think it's generally suggested to wean off adderall but most of you guys in this conversation seem to no longer be reliant on a huge daily dose anymore.

the first few days of withdrawal are the worst-try to remember that when you are on the verge of taking a few. Don't give up those days just to redo them again and again. Every day without adderall is another step up and out of that adderall hellhole!

[Quitting4good]

Hey everyone! Just wanted to give an update- I got through the terrible withdrawals without taking any adderall- been sober for a week from it and feeling more like myself. Getting back to exercising and eating right is helping with my mental health and feeling positive!

[bluemoon]

Yay! You're awesome! I wish I had it in me to exercise. Not yet. But I will get there! Proud of you  

[MotionRotation]

Hey QUITTINGFORGOOD.. yes like they have mentioned in this thread having the strong desire to quit is first and foremost. This forum is SUCH A HUGE HELP. Just reading through everyones stories and advice. I myself am a non prescribed person that goes out of my way to get it, its truly ridiculous. I am also pretty unemployed now (just do random freelance work here and there) and have withdrawal cash advances from a credit card just to have money to buy this stuff (that interest rate is gonna be a bitch). Its a fucking strong hold (pardon my French but cursing is in order here). I have tried to quit several times and have had a few weeks off and i ALWAYS think Oh let me just get a few to get some stuff done and thats it! But it never happens, i get a few and the vicious cycle starts all over again. I have the luxury that i am not working full time so when i quit (And i WILL) i can allow myself the lethargy that it will cause. Remember that you may have mood swings, feel lethargic and wanna snack non stop and watch tv. And thats ok... excersise Helps sooo much and i need to get on that. A bit of cardio every day and you will feel better and in due time start doing even more (or insert the physical activity of your choice here). Its crazy because i have taken adds on and off for years, and then suddenly the last year or two after i got a pretty stressful job thats when i just started taking it non stop. I actually quit that job because i knew it was detrimental to me, i was popping a 30 mg in the am and have another one in my pocket (or 2 sometimes) to take later in the day. I would be physically exhausted but off course you cant sleep. It is crazy how we can justify it always especially when its for work or any kind of productivity you want to have... i m one of those that always wants it for cleaning my apt.  i have started going to NA meetings and i feel that will help, you can always just go to one and you can just sit and listen, you are under no obligation to speak. It is a tough road but it can be done =))) 

and happy holidayyssss to alllll. Thank you all for sharing