Scared to quit and scared to keep going.

[thebigif]

I admit I started my medication with good intentions. It was the first time I could finish anything. Now it's this huge burden. I take more than I should and run out before the next script can be filled. When I'm out I'm dead tired and my brain is so fuzzy and it effects every aspect of my life. I feel nauseous, headaches, depression, anger, anxiety. I feel like it's stolen my soul. I am trying to taper off. Since cold turkey scares the crap out of me. I'm a working mother and the balance of eveything is so hard. With this pill I have enough energy to do eveything I have to do but it's just a hamster wheel. My fiancé has no idea I'm even on this medication. He would hate me. I feel like a liar. I'm no better than the meth head down the street. This pill is just as bad. I just need hope...

[Doge]

You're also no worse than anyone.  Remember that.  This doesn't make you a bad person!  it doesn't make you weak either.

 

He wouldn't hate you.  And if he does....

 

It sure would be nice for you not to have to go through recovery alone.  I hope you can reach out to someone.  Anyways, you came to the right place!  Let's make a plan for you to get off this shit!

[LILTEX41]

Hi, and welcome!

 

I think that's how most of us start out - with good intentions.  Even if we know there might be some risks involved, the doctor prescribed it, right?  IF the doctor says it's OK, then surely I must follow the doctor's orders.  

 

So low and behold we come to figure out that the doctor screwed us.  He didn't intentionally screw us though, after all he was just doing his job and he had been trained that it was in fact ok to give this "medication" to people with this disorder.   Basically, let's just get started on the right food.  1) Forgive yourself for making a choice that at the time you made it felt like the right thing to do.  2) Forgive the doctor for making a choice that at the time seemed like the right thing to do.  After all, we are all just doing the best we can at any moment with the current set of skills, beliefs, and abilities we have at that time.  Let's be kind to ourselves and move forward without carrying that extra weight around.  

 

Ok, so now let's get to your current situation.  You failed to mention this to your fiancé.  Maybe you have kept it hidden from him due to fear he might not approve and leave you.  Again, you were trying to make the best decision at the time to protect yourself. I'm guessing you've been conflicted about taking this "medication" for quite some time now.  There is one part of you that says, "How could I possibly live without this drug now?" and another part of you that knows, "This is not right.  Nothing about taking this feels right."  It's scary to be in limbo like this.  I know I was all jacked up when I got to that point.  And the more I thought about quitting, the more panic I would feel and the more I'd try to hide it.  Yet at the same time, how awful is it to be isolated, alone, and tweaking out on this drug with nobody to discuss it with?  It feels pretty sucky.  For me, it wasn't until I talked to friend that had been hooked on pills (oxy and all kinds of stuff) and she explained what pill addiction looked like.  That pretty much made it crystal clear to me and then I knew there was only one thing I needed to do - QUIT.  

 

I feel like you are at that place now.  I feel like you know what you need to do, but you are scared to take action.  Here's the deal. Will you ever recover and have the energy you need to do as working mother?  Yes, absolutely!  Will it suck for the first 3 months?  Yes, most likely.  BUT once you are over the hump, it will get easier.  AND how good will it feel once you come clean to your fiancé and are no longer carrying this giant weight around that's freaking you out constantly?  Going into a marriage with this hanging over your head is probably not for the best.  Break free now and start the marriage off on a good note.  Push the wedding back if you have to.  Recover and start your new awesome life!

 

Look at all the people here that are free now.  There are lots of success stories and those of us to testify your life will improve in the long run.  The short term part of this endeavor sucks.  Just know that going in, but it will GET BETTER and you will have all the energy you need.  Just have faith and know that there is HOPE.  Forgive yourself, love yourself, and come clean.  You will be so much stronger in the long run when you come out on the other side of this.  The internal well being you'll feel inside is WORTH it.  Don't give up!

 

Hugs!

[msb1128]

I'm getting ready to quit too. Excited and scared to death as I'm sure you are, and still working on logistics since I have a lot going on that probably won't make a cold turkey quit possible at the moment. Part of the reason I know I have to is because of the toll it has taken on my relationships, and I totally understand the feeling that it's "stolen your soul." My husband knew before we got married that I was taking adderall but neither one of us thought it was a problem. As my dose was increased and time went on I realized it was a huge problem in so, so many ways, including how it influenced the way I relate to him. It makes me sad to think now that the months we were dating and the first year and a half of our marriage is like a blur now, and I have been emotionally unavailable a lot. Either numb or very irritable! I have been critical, obsessing about the dumbest things, and very moody in a way I never was before. It the ups and downs of the drug. I'm fine - high really - one minute and then angry, depressed and a complete bitch five minutes later. This is not me. I told him today I wish he had known me before adderall.

It think he understands now that I have to quit and is very willing to help, but I know it will be hard on both of us. It's the best thing I can do for the relationship though. 

I'm assuming your fiancee is a decent and kind person or you wouldn't be with him. I hope you will be able to have his support as you quit and that you can go into your marriage free of adderall and bask in the joys of the early months and years together that were stolen from me. It will be so worth it! I know because I sense what I missed and how much better it could have been.

I have to believe when I quit my husband and I will enjoy a whole new kind of life together too. I'd say find some support, ideally your fiancee, but a friend or family member who understands this stuff so you won't be alone in this, and then let's both do this!!!

[thebigif]

I feel so lucky to have found this board. I cried reading all the stories. It's the first time I felt hope and like it is possible. Thank you so much for everyone's kind words and no judgment. Today I cut back and am working through it. I'm taking plenty of vitamins and supplements to help put back what my brain has lost. Again THANK YOU FOR THIS PLACE!

[BeginAgain23]

I have reached the halfway point of weaning myself off of my medication. This took about a year to accomplish. I didn't want it to interfere with my career so I am taking it slow. Ever since I started this incremental decrease I have experienced irritability, mood swings, increased hunger, weight gain, anxiety, trouble sleeping, lack of drive, loss of focus, brain fog and depression. I tried my best to compose myself at work and crashed as soon as I got home. I was miserable and I was angry. 

 

I had been told by a few people about a product line called Plexus. I was a little reserved about it but once I researched the product and found that the ingredients were not harmful and were all natural I decided to give it a try. I just wanted to feel alive again.

 

A week later I received my products in the mail. I followed the directions and Oh My Gosh, they worked! By the second day, I felt amazing! The brain fog was gone! My depression was gone! My anxiety and mood swings were gone!   I feel more alive today than I have felt in over a year. 

 

I am currently taking the TriPlex combo which is the most popular (Plexus Slim packet in the morning, BioCleanse capsules during the day, and my probiotic at bedtime).  These products work together to regulate blood sugar levels and maintain a healthy gut which in turn maximizes quality of life. The slim was crucial in helping me control the overeating and cravings. If you would like to know more about these products I would be happy to share with you. They have helped me so much. I now have hope and I no longer dread what life will be like without Adderall!