Down the toilet- 30 Orange Ones

[TodayDeterminesTomorrow]

I think the title says it all. Just to fill in anyone who may have missed my post from a few days ago- I was 8 months clean and caved. I am writing this to follow up and bear with me if I'm wordy- I have consumed about 120 mgs of adderall today. Luckily I can say for certain I won't be consuming another because I just walked to the bathroom and threw the contents of thebottle into the bowl.

I wish I could say I feel a wave of relief but that would be a lie. I also wish I could say that this decision felt as good as it did when I did it the last time- 2 months ago. When I did it that time at least I was proud of myself for taking the "final" proactive step needed to protect me from me. When I tossed the bottle last time it was a guarentee that although the short term pain would be real and hard, the days of being a slave to a stupid pill that people ironically refer to as a "smart drug" we're over. I remember feeling excited and ready to take on whatever the withdrawals threw at me and it was a Sunday evenening and the site of my wife and 18 month old daughter playing without me in my driveway that pushed me. I was inside, working on whatever I was pawning off as "super important" and the reality hit me that if I didn't get in my car, drive to my office (where the rest of my pills were) this moment of clarity may pass before it was too late. I got in, drove to the office and flushed. 8 weeks feels like an eternity and this time it went down differently. I wasn't going to stop, I can't even honestly say right now that I want to because that's not true, I want to keep going and if kept last weeks script upright it would be empty by Friday. I would find a way to get more, I know it.

That's the scariest sentence to type and the most honest paragraph I can write. I don't want to stop, I know I can always get my hands on these pills. It literally feels like there is an alternate me that did what he just did. I just signed myself up for a week of hell involuntarily and I did it bc I am honestly scared. Last time I was scared of myself and knew that my willpower was too fragile to trust with a bottle of 30mgs. This time Im not scared of my lack of willpower- I'm scared bc I wish that I was scared of my willpower. No, I am scared by the fact that I'm not scared. Iin just 1 week I have escalated so far off the rails that it's scary, it went from half a pill and disappointment in myself to 120 Mgs and not feeling a stitch of concern in less than a week.

I don't know why I just tossed that bottle and the withdrawals are going to be terrible- but I don't know what else to do. Like I said- what scares me most, and must be what caused this decision, is the absence of fear and a realization that the alarm bells that should be ringing aren't anywhere to be found. Thank you all for your support, just a place to write this out and explain my feelings is beyond helpful and appreciated.

[EstherEmily]

We are with you, friend! You did the right thing by flushing those devils.

[quit-once]

You did what you had to do. The pills are gone and now you can move on towards a better future, even if the short term withdrawals will suck.  You have an incredible amount of self awareness even if you don't understand your addictive behavior...none of us really do understand our addictive selves.  What is good is that you are leaving that part of your life behind for a better future, and you have my greatest respect for doing what needs to be done and moving on with life.

 

Knowing that you will always be able to get more pills should help with your resolve to stay off of them.  Just make it incredibly difficult to obtain them so that you have to do some soul searching before searching for more pills.  Also remember your own words about your lack of fear for the consequences of relapsing.  In your case, the thing you must fear most is the lack of your own fear for what this horrible drug can do to you.

[Traceme]

Good for you.  Good for you for trying to quit.  Good for you for being honest with yourself.  Just take it one day at a time.  That's all we are promised anyway.  So take each day by the balls like you did today.  Take good care of yourself so you can take good care of all the people that you love and love you.  

[LILTEX41]

I remember feeling this way 5 and a half years ago, WOW.  Your post just hit so close to home.  I had been clean for 3 months and then I went back on them and within 3 weeks I was GONE.  I was up for days, not eating, and just a mess.  I was so high the last night I had them, but I had a conversation with my ex and he basically screamed at me to throw them away.  I just knew I had to do it and I couldn't worry about the future.  I just had to get rid of them because I was going downhill FAST.  

 

What happened?  Well, it's 5 and a half years later now and I am still clean.    Don't worry about anything right now.  Just know you ripped the bandaid off and everything can and will be okay from here on out.  You will no longer be paranoid, hallucinating, and out of your mind. You will get your sanity back and that's what's most important!  It will get better.  

 

Happy for you.  Way to go!

[TodayDeterminesTomorrow]

Thanks for everyone's support. Here's an update....I spent yesterday sleeping. 20 hours basically. Today I'm at work but an absolute mess...tired, irritable, anxious, you name it. I feel like hell but at least I know it's for the right reasons. Man I wish I hadn't put myself in this spot

[LILTEX41]

You got this.  You're on the right track! 

[TodayDeterminesTomorrow]

Just wanted to fill everyone in...tomorrow will be a week. I'm glad I did what I did and after 6 rough days I'm definitely out of the rough stuff...meaning im upright, feeling some semblance of normalcy returning and feel like I'm back to heading in the right direction. It's been a brutal week, but I can't thank you guys enough- this problem of mine is something that I haven't shared wi5h anyone, probably out of shame, guilt, I dunno...regardless, an outlet like this is invaluable. I can't say I'll never screw up again, I can just say that I'm going to try my best. I don't know if anyone else has this feeling but I actually dislike being on adderall. I mean, I like certain things and if i had any ability to self monitor myself I'm sure it would be fine....but that's not me, I'll take a pill on day 1 and work, up it to 2 and work some more...then I just keep adding and adding to the point where I'm kiddingly myself if I think I'm actually getting real work done. I'm getting high is what I'm doing, and it's not even a fun one. I don't know what it is about this drug that pulls me back, but it does. The hell week is over, I'm confident I'll get back on track..,,but I'm sure that bird is going to tweet in my ear down the line...maybe In a month, maybe less, maybe more...it's on me to make the right choice when that day comes.

[LILTEX41]

You are doing awesome!!!   Great job!!

 

You said, "I don't know what it is about this drug that pulls me back, but it does."  Here is my answer.  Adderall is a HIGHLY ADDICTIVE drug.  Do not blame yourself for being weak to this poisonous crap.  You are a human that has infinite potential and the longer you resist that little bird (devil) in your ear telling you it's good for you or it will help you, then it will get easier and easier.  But right now your brain is literally still craving that crap and just know it's not your fault. My favorite tool to combat urges is called, "Playing the tape."  When you want to use think back to the last time you used and what happened.  Start from the beginning and work it all out to the end (like you did above).  Then play the tape forward and imagine the whole scenario out if you don't act on the urge.  Get specific and visualize how great it will feel and what you will do/how you will reward yourself for not acting on it.  Because like you said, that little bird is going to come back and tweet in your ear.  Be prepared for it and have a prevention plan in place for when it does.  

 

Thank you for sharing your victory with all of us!

[Frank B]

Your doing good and being honest with yourself. If I come off sounding like a idiot or judgmental my brains been fried from this drug so bare with me lol. It kind of sounds like you still have a safety net below you to fall back on if your cravings really get strong. From my expiernce in getting 6 months free finally I learned to be succefull you have to say fuck that safety net. If you can easily get the drug why is that? You gotta man up tell the doctor feel good "hey I'm a addict I take this drug to get high it's destroying my life and I do not want any more prescriptions written." Until I did this myself I knew that I could easily get my hands on this medication. Sure I guess if I really really wanted to start all over with a new doctor tell him the bs to hopefully get back on it I could. But that's not easy and it would take a lot of giving up on my new found sobriety to go that route. This drug is worse than cocaine and a lot cheaper it's hard to quit but if I can anyone can beleive me. Stay strong look at your daughter for inspiration she will make you overcome this.

[Doge]

Hey TDT!!  I'm a bit late here, but I'm really glad you flushed those fuckers.

 

I understand all too well that feeling, after being clean for so long, slipping and watching your inner addict come back to life and start to tighten its grip again.

 

Flushing those pills is huge, even if its not the first time.  It's an exercise in free well, and a display of the power to use it, during your weakest moment of despair.  It is an agonizing choice to make and you did it.

 

That progress you gained in that 8 months clean is not all gone just because of a few slips.  You taught yourself how to live again and those lessons will be valuable in the coming months.

 

Remember that fighting with adderall is not a single battle but a long sequence of many battles.  We should always be preparing for our next one.

 

Thinking of you and wishing you the best!