Found an old pill

[BeHereNow]

Hey all,

 

This is a vigilance post to help me avoid relapsing.

 

I found an old pill while I was cleaning out my house the other day, and instead of getting rid of it, I set it aside in a safe place.  I actually contemplated taking it.  I still cannot bring myself to flush it.

 

I am not worried about making it a habit again, because I don't have access, and because I don't want that life.

 

I'm scared to take it.  But I can't bring myself to get rid of it.  I miss being self-absorbed and emotionally numb and overly productive sometimes.  I miss not caring about things that now break my heart.  

 

What scares me is what it could do to my brain after I've worked so hard to recover and rebuild those neural connections.  3.5 years clean, I'm scared that taking it could make my depression and anxiety go off the charts.  I'm scared it would deplete my dopamine.  I'm scared my brain would remember my former dependence, and stop producing dopamine for awhile.

 

I'm not trying to worry anyone, but I am writing this out here in order to help myself get rid of it and remember why I quit in the first place.

 

As strong as I am against adderall, finding a pill still tempt/ed me.  A good reminder that addiction sticks with us, and that I am always only one pill away from falling back into it. 

[LILTEX41]

PLAY THE TAPE FORWARD - writing more...hold on.

[LILTEX41]

IF you take that pill, I can guarantee you that it is going to ignite that old neural pathway fast and furious.  You say you are not worried about making it a habit again, but I bet that's along the lines of something you thought when you first started the drug.  That is the primitive part of your brain speaking to you right now coming up with any kind of excuse or lie to get you to take it. That part of your brain wants adderall and if you feed it, it's going to want more.  HOWEVER, if you use the prefrontal cortex of your brain and do not give into taking that pill you will defeat the monster in your head.  Separate yourself from the urge.  Flush that pill immediately.  You do not want to give up 3.5 years and travel back down that path.  I know how long and hard you have fought to get to where you are now.  You are playing with fire by keeping it and allowing the addicted part of your brain to salivate and recall all of the euphoria it brought at one time or another.  Once it's gone you are back in control and have squashed that fucker in your head!!!

[quit-once]

Wow, that is my worst nightmare...finding a pill or stash.  So far I have been lucky enough that I have not had to make that decision.  I am really worried that I would do  something stupid on an impulse.   

 

I have been concerned enough to make a plan just in case I find one.  It would make me so fuckin' angry that I would have no choice but to flush that fucker immediately, or otherwise dismember it and grind it into the Earth.    That is my plan but how hard would it be?  I don't know but you are in a tough spot.  Thanks for sharing.  I hope I never have to make that decision, and I am sure you will make the right decision to get rid of it ASAP.  

 

Its funny you brought this up.  I have my last pill that I incinerated in a fire the day that I quit and melted it into a glob on a rock.  I have kept it as an amusement item for the last five years but last week, I thought I wanted to toss it into the river and be done with it forever.  But I just couldn't make myself do that so I still have this glob on a rock in my windowsill.  I guess I am just not ready to throw it away, yet.  

[LILTEX41]

Beherenow,

 

How are you doing?  I hope you are holding strong.  I want you to know your post actually helped me last night because I've been having killer cravings to drink again.  I haven't, but it doesn't make it any less difficult.  I could feel your pain in this post and made me feel relieved in a way knowing that this is just part of recovery we all go through.  It helped me to be able to be there for you and I guess I hope someone new will pop up today that maybe you could help.  That's always been one of the magic tickets for me when I am in a bad place.  But another trick is playing the tape forward.  Let's do this together!

 

Alcohol Cravings

Me:  Imagine the first beer or mixed drink.  Ahhhhh...great.  Then let's think back to ordering the 2nd.  And then the 3rd and so on.  Recall the sick feeling from being hammered by the end of the night and then all the cravings that pop up for pot and speed.  Recall how the ability to not give into those cravings gets weaker and suddenly I am stoned and/or high on speed. Imagine how many more drinks it will take to come down now.  Imagine waking up in the middle of the night with a blazing headache, dehydrated, and wanting to puke. Imagine the next day how I am exhausted, do not exercise, and waste the entire day being hungover along with feeling depressed out of my mind..that is until I take the next drink and then the cycle repeats itself all over and I am once again trapped in this addiction that supersedes everything else in life I care about and I have no other goals other than constantly trying to feed my addiction to get high.

 

Adderall Cravings

Imagine the euphoria of calling the doctor and finding out my prescription is ready. Imagine the excitement, racing heart, and adrenaline coursing through my veins to go get the next batch of pills.  Imagine getting to the grocery store pharmacy to pick them up and running to the bathroom first because my brain has already signaled to my body speed is coming and my body is reacting without even taking a pill!!!  Get pills, take a pill at the grocery store because I am so excited. Within 30 minutes I am sweating excessively and talking 100 miles a minute. I am flying around the apartment now cleaning and working excessively.  Go outside and smoke a cigarette (gag).  Drink 30 gallons of water to combat excessive thirst.  3-4 hours later time to take another pill.  Repeat process.  48 hours later.  The apartment is so fucking clean I could lick the bathroom wall and not be grossed out.  Everything is in perfect order from my bills, to my sock drawer, to old pictures now perfectly organized in their photo album by year, time, date etc.  I am EXHAUSTED.  I feel disgusting.  I am moody as fuck.  I am depleted of every ounce of energy as I haven't slept in 48 hours.  But I now have to go to work.  I FINALLY got all my chores done, but it's too late to sleep.  I take a shower, pop another pill.  I go to work.  At work people talk to me and I SNAP on them.  I am paranoid, jittery, and my jaw hurts from clenching it so fucking hard.  I am sweaty and tired as fuck.  I have smoked 2-3 packs of cigarettes in 2 days.  I feel absolutely FUCKING HORRIBLE.  I haven't eaten really at all besides coffee drinks and a few bites here and there.  On the way home that night I stop and get alcohol.  I drink 6 beers and suddenly wide awake again.  I can't come down.  I smoke pot.  I FINALLY fall to sleep for like 3 hours.  I wake up feeling like DEATH.  But guess what?  It's time to pop another adderall and start the cycle all over again. It is now 3 weeks later and my body is like a shriveled up 80 year old woman's body.  I have smoked 15 or more packs of cigarettes.  Drank cases of beer and filled my lungs with weed.  I feel SICK. I am out of adderall.  I spend the next week asleep at my desk at work.  I cannot keep my eyes open on the job.  My apartment becomes a destroyed mess.  I go into a zombie mode.  I would die to get some adderall.   A week goes by...my next prescription is ready.  Cycle repeats.

 

Play the tape forward without adderall:

I go to sleep at 10pm.  I wake up at 5 or 6.  I run 6 miles outdoors and do some speedwork.  I love being one with nature. I listen to music and I get a natural high from running.  My heart is pounding and it feels fucking awesome. I lift weights.  I get stronger.  I take a shower and I am singing to the cat and excited to start my day. Drink a nice healthy power bowl smoothie.  Feel awesome.  Feel clean, an abundance of energy, and hopeful about my future.  Depression is a thing of the past.  I get SO MUCH accomplished in my day because I am clear headed, focused, and I feel well.  I have everything I could possibly need going for me to do whatever I want in life.  I love having amazing health and feeling good.  I love getting faster, stronger, and not being sick and ill like I used to in my using days.  Life is GOOD.  But sometimes I forget all of this when I get cravings for drugs and alcohol because I am only obsessing about the first 10 minutes of euphoria I used to feel.  SO I GO BACK and play these tapes all the way through.  And here we are now ONCE AGAIN EXCITED TO BE CLEAN AND NOT HAVE TO LIVE A LIFE OF HELL!!!  

 

***About to go run a half marathon now.  THANKFUL I did not give into urges and excited to go do this!  

 

You got this girl!

[BeHereNow]

Thanks friends for your responses.  I'm hanging in there and haven't taken it.  I don't want it.  But I haven't thrown it away either.  

 

QO, it's definitely a nightmare.  Since lack of access is part of what's kept me clean, having access is a problem.  It's funny that you burned your last pill and still hang onto it.  I can imagine I would have tried to lick the rock repeatedly by now.

 

LilTex-- Thank you for playing the tape forward for me.  I know what you mean about how helping other people helps us and it's comforting to know others struggle too.  Sorry to hear you're craving alcohol, but glad to know that sharing my struggle helped you too

 

Okay, I'm going to play my own tape forward:  

 

Take the pill.  20 mg xr.  My heart starts racing even before it kicks in.  I feel blood and adrenaline pumping through my body at high speed.  I'm so sweaty and scared and excited.  Start drinking tons of water.  Feel the euphoria kick in, slightly.  Feel excited and invincible and smart.  Tell myself I'm cleansing my body by 'fasting' on adderall.  Anticipate the euphoria coming up even higher, but it's very slight.  Immediately feel dissatisfied: I want to feel more euphoric, but I don't.  I want to do more, clean more, read more, exercise more, but everything makes me feel dissatisfied.  Why doesn't adderall feel the way it used to for me?   My heart is racing.  Am I dying of a heart attack?  What if I die here alone and nobody finds me?  Panic attack ensues.  I go for a walk but immediately feel agoraphobic.  Try to calm down.  Take a couple of klonopin.  Feel hollow and regret losing all the time I've put into my recovery.  Start beating myself up.Then I start thinking about how I can get a prescription.  Might as well, since I already reset my recovery.  Look it up online, spend 2 hours on the internet reading forums about how to convince my dr I need adderall.   Go back to compulsively cleaning, or working, or whatever I've lost myself in doing.   Think about how badly I want to take another pill but don't have one.  Can't stop thinking about adderall, more adderall.  How can I get more adderall?  Think about how unproductive and lazy I am without it, how much better my life would be if I went back on it.  Feel extremely dissatisfied with myself, my work, and the fact that the euphoria is gone after an hour.  Frantically I drink pot after pot of coffee in an attempt to bring back what little scraps of euphoria I had.  The day is already almost gone.  I feel empty inside.  Although I've read 500 pages I can't remember, or dusted and vacuumed my whole house, I still don't think I've done enough today.  Start craving alcohol.  Find an excuse to buy a couple bottles of wine-- it's my adderall day, I need/deserve this.   On my way there, I get annoyed with every car on the road.  While there, I get annoyed with everyone at the store.  Have some drinks and throw away 2+ months of sobriety, the longest I've ever gone since I started drinking as a teenager.  Get trashed from a couple drinks on an empty stomach.  Send some drunken/adderall texts.  Keep drinking to calm down, finish both bottles of wine, watch movies, pass out at 3 am.  Wake up 3 hours later with a pounding head, nauseous, dehydrated, bad taste in my mouth, regretful, heart is sore, back is sore.  Have another panic attack.  Vomit.  Still feel tweaked out but can't function.  Too panicky to go anywhere.  Spend all day in bed, manage to get some food in my stomach, take some headache pills, watch hours of movies, beat myself up.  Repeat for 2-3 more days.  Eventually forgive myself for messing up and start my recovery all over.

 

 

I feel better already.  Thanks Liltex for the idea!  

[Doge]

 

Adderall Cravings

Imagine the euphoria of calling the doctor and finding out my prescription is ready. Imagine the excitement, racing heart, and adrenaline coursing through my veins to go get the next batch of pills.  Imagine getting to the grocery store pharmacy to pick them up and running to the bathroom first because my brain has already signaled to my body speed is coming and my body is reacting without even taking a pill!!!  Get pills, take a pill at the grocery store because I am so excited. Within 30 minutes I am sweating excessively and talking 100 miles a minute. I am flying around the apartment now cleaning and working excessively.  Go outside and smoke a cigarette (gag).  Drink 30 gallons of water to combat excessive thirst.  3-4 hours later time to take another pill.  Repeat process.  48 hours later.  The apartment is so fucking clean I could lick the bathroom wall and not be grossed out.  Everything is in perfect order from my bills, to my sock drawer, to old pictures now perfectly organized in their photo album by year, time, date etc.  I am EXHAUSTED.  I feel disgusting.  I am moody as fuck.  I am depleted of every ounce of energy as I haven't slept in 48 hours.  But I now have to go to work.  I FINALLY got all my chores done, but it's too late to sleep.  I take a shower, pop another pill.  I go to work.  At work people talk to me and I SNAP on them.  I am paranoid, jittery, and my jaw hurts from clenching it so fucking hard.  I am sweaty and tired as fuck.  I have smoked 2-3 packs of cigarettes in 2 days.  I feel absolutely FUCKING HORRIBLE.  I haven't eaten really at all besides coffee drinks and a few bites here and there.  On the way home that night I stop and get alcohol.  I drink 6 beers and suddenly wide awake again.  I can't come down.  I smoke pot.  I FINALLY fall to sleep for like 3 hours.  I wake up feeling like DEATH.  But guess what?  It's time to pop another adderall and start the cycle all over again. It is now 3 weeks later and my body is like a shriveled up 80 year old woman's body.  I have smoked 15 or more packs of cigarettes.  Drank cases of beer and filled my lungs with weed.  I feel SICK. I am out of adderall.  I spend the next week asleep at my desk at work.  I cannot keep my eyes open on the job.  My apartment becomes a destroyed mess.  I go into a zombie mode.  I would die to get some adderall.   A week goes by...my next prescription is ready.  Cycle repeats.

 

 

This is like looking into a mirror.  Very well written.  Who would ever choose this if it weren't for the demon in our heads.

 

 

 

Take the pill.  20 mg xr.  My heart starts racing even before it kicks in.  I feel blood and adrenaline pumping through my body at high speed.  I'm so sweaty and scared and excited.  Start drinking tons of water.  Feel the euphoria kick in, slightly.  Feel excited and invincible and smart.  Tell myself I'm cleansing my body by 'fasting' on adderall.  Anticipate the euphoria coming up even higher, but it's very slight.  Immediately feel dissatisfied: I want to feel more euphoric, but I don't.  I want to do more, clean more, read more, exercise more, but everything makes me feel dissatisfied.  Why doesn't adderall feel the way it used to for me?   My heart is racing.  Am I dying of a heart attack?  What if I die here alone and nobody finds me?  Panic attack ensues.  I go for a walk but immediately feel agoraphobic.  Try to calm down.  Take a couple of klonopin.  Feel hollow and regret losing all the time I've put into my recovery.  Start beating myself up.Then I start thinking about how I can get a prescription.  Might as well, since I already reset my recovery.  Look it up online, spend 2 hours on the internet reading forums about how to convince my dr I need adderall.   Go back to compulsively cleaning, or working, or whatever I've lost myself in doing.   Think about how badly I want to take another pill but don't have one.  Can't stop thinking about adderall, more adderall.  How can I get more adderall?  Think about how unproductive and lazy I am without it, how much better my life would be if I went back on it.  Feel extremely dissatisfied with myself, my work, and the fact that the euphoria is gone after an hour.  Frantically I drink pot after pot of coffee in an attempt to bring back what little scraps of euphoria I had.  The day is already almost gone.  I feel empty inside.  Although I've read 500 pages I can't remember, or dusted and vacuumed my whole house, I still don't think I've done enough today.  Start craving alcohol.  Find an excuse to buy a couple bottles of wine-- it's my adderall day, I need/deserve this.   On my way there, I get annoyed with every car on the road.  While there, I get annoyed with everyone at the store.  Have some drinks and throw away 2+ months of sobriety, the longest I've ever gone since I started drinking as a teenager.  Get trashed from a couple drinks on an empty stomach.  Send some drunken/adderall texts.  Keep drinking to calm down, finish both bottles of wine, watch movies, pass out at 3 am.  Wake up 3 hours later with a pounding head, nauseous, dehydrated, bad taste in my mouth, regretful, heart is sore, back is sore.  Have another panic attack.  Vomit.  Still feel tweaked out but can't function.  Too panicky to go anywhere.  Spend all day in bed, manage to get some food in my stomach, take some headache pills, watch hours of movies, beat myself up.  Repeat for 2-3 more days.  Eventually forgive myself for messing up and start my recovery all over.

 

 

This all too perfectly sums up what it would be like to have JUST one more pill, bringing back ALL the brutal cravings but then not being able to do anything about it.

[BeHereNow]

I finally did it.  I flushed it. 

[idonttan]

Good for you.. Just imagine tbe crash after the high has subsided, and not having anything to keep the dopamine release going. It's an absolute nightmare, and you would of wasted a whole day recovering and crying and not wanting to get out of bed.

[BeHereNow]

Once again I have our quitting crew to thanks for saving me from this catastrophe  Y'all rock!

[Lizzie]

Liltex you are amazing.  That play the tape forward thing is the prospective I needed to get me through today. Thanks so much