Poster Child for Relapse

[Doge]

I would like to start off by congratulating all of you who are still trudging forth through the trenches every day, adding the days behind you one by one.  People I remember as just starting out going through early recover are now almost a year clean.  I can't express how happy I am for you guys.  I saw many newbies start up at the site and then disappear after a few days, and I would worry for what had happened.  Every time I see a success story it ignites a spark of faith in me that maybe the devil isn't so strong after all.

 

Some of you have possibly quit through sheer willpower alone, which to me exhibits something simply unfathomable.  I don't have it.  To me, it's either cut off my source (which is the scariest thing in the world to an addict) or watch myself inevitably continue the cycle of self-destruction.

 

I had told many people who come to this site that they need do exactly this (cut off their supply) to avoid setting themselves up for relapse.  I have done this in a way that could be described as persistent badgering, perhaps even crossing the lines of what is appropriate or helpful.  All the while, of course, I was being a hypocrit.  I hadn't done this myself (as I did with my original quit which was a very successful 10 months in comparison).  For those of you who know me here you may have guessed that my disappearance corresponded to slipping again, which I have done so many times now that I didn't even bother making a ticker anymore because I knew that I hadn't cut myself off, and just couldn't bring myself to do it.

 

Despite my failures, I have been blessed with gifts in life I don't deserve.  I am making progress in school and looking like I might actually successfully finish within the next year (certainly not with flying colours or anything, but I'll get to walk across the stage at least).  This is something that adderall has not helped me with whatsoever (except for during the honeymoon stage which we all know about), but instead hindered me in every way.

 

Most importantly, I am happy to share with you that I have finally started a real relationship with someone who means the world to me.  When I am with her I feel free.  Adderall doesn't exist in my mind.  I know the driving force for my addiction was loneliness and it helps so much to plug that hole in my heart.  Even hearing myself say these things in my heart I am putting too much pressure on it already.  There will be a time, probably very soon within the next month if history has taught me anything, where I get another unstoppable irrational craving for a 48 hour pill-induced dopamine binge.  I fear the kind of person I will become during this time, and if I will be capable of loving someone the way they deserve to be loved.  I should warn her, but I'm too scared to for obvious reasons.  Maybe it's me being selfish or just plain weak, but I'm promising myself and all of you that I will be strong enough not to let my addict take control again.

 

It would be foolish to simply cling to this new love as some sort of lifeboat that is going to save me.  And worst case scenario, what happens if it suddenly and harshly fails for whatever reason as so many romances do?  I'm no stranger to heartbreak.  Things don't always turn out well; and what sort of power will my inner addict suddenly wield if I should fall on my face and be alone again?  This sort of threat leaves no room for access to pills.  

 

These are my thoughts and concerns running through my head this past week.  It's funny how quickly I picked up the phone and cut off my access for good.  I swear to you all that I would not bother making this post if I didn't do exactly that.  There wasn't even a second of hesitation in my mind when I thought of it.  Sorry for the long winded book folks, but you are my therapists and I can't tell anyone else this and needed to share.  I'm happy to announce my faith in the future once more.  I can enjoy watching my turtle ticker walk across the screen without the impending feeling of doom, thinking it's all just going to come burning crashing end soon.

 

Thanks to everyone for being here and accepting me back.  I love you all and haven't stopped thinking about you.

[Traceme]

I am so happy for you, proud for you, excited for you.  You are amazing!

[Zerokewl]

sounds like life is good! Congrats with school. Sounds like life is starting to come together.  

[Frank B]

Hope others learn you must absolutely no doubt cut your supply off completely or you will slip. I even recently took a far extreme I choose a new health plan that basically covers only catastrophic events. Having to pay full costs on doctor visits and prescriptions really make the thought of trying to see a new doctor a pretty big burden. I'm fucking done looking to doctors for "help" all the shit given to me adderall antidepressants etc have done far more damage then good. I'm not saying I'm against medicine but the human brain and how it really functions is still way beyond the grasp of mankind. That's why no one can cure mental illness , Parkinson's , ,dementia etc. But yet they give us drugs that are deemed safe to change our brains chemistry yet don't know what the fuck it's really doing. A new war on drugs needs to take place and I'm not talking about arresting a drug dealer making couple grand selling crack. I'm talking about these multi billion dollar corporations giving fucking SSRi suicide pills to depressed people because they were lied to and said it would help. The only thing these pharmaceutical companies want is people hooked they care less about the consequences suicides, kids shooting family members and mass shootings it's something they pay big piece of shit scum bag lawyers to cover up.

[Doge]

yeah without cutting off my supply it was back to the same routine.

 

binge for 2 days, crash for 3, then start early recovery.  eat healthy, get back into life again, start being productive again after about 3 weeks, that would last maybe another month.

 

then suddenly a switch would go off in my mind and i would tell myself its no problem to get some more pills I'm clearly not addicted anymore I've gone 6 weeks without any.  a quiet voice in my head would tell me that I know that's bullsht but at that point I just wouldn't care enough and was prepared to accept the consequences.

 

I've been repeating this since last november.  sometimes I'd make it a month, sometimes two months,  i made it almost 3 months in this spring but just fell on my face randomly because of one weak day.  I just can't do it if I have access.  I'm glad I don't now.

 

I can't wait to hit that 4 month range.  my body is much more healthy this time than it was when i quit the first time.  so I am hopeful I will enjoy those recovery milestones maybe slightly sooner than my last timeline allowed.

 

I was doing so great last year but threw it all away because of arrogance.  I like to romanticize about the idea that people will learn from my mistakes but I know deep down that I refused to listen to anyone elses mistakes.  

 

I always knew on some level that I was making the wrong choice but didn't care.  I don't know how to explain it but i think everyone on here knows exactly what i mean.  it's the addiction aspect that non-users will never understand but we do all too well.

 

again im going in circles but it's precisely the reason that not cutting off access permanently is a recipe for disaster.  although I feel like I remember at least one member on this site was able to do it.  I still cannot fathom it.

 

it's the dark passenger that Dexter talks about (fictional TV show if anyone's not heard of it) when he goes to NA meetings (but is secretly talking about his need to kill people).  you know he's going to wreak havoc on your life but you want him to on some level because you're already in self-destruct mode

[BeHereNow]

Thank you so much for sharing Doge! Congrats on finding that your life is coming back together.

 

We addicts, no matter what substance, relapse.  It's part of the whole picture.  I relapsed on adderall at least 4 major times before I even made a profile and cut off my source.  I've relapsed on everything, repeatedly.

 

The point is that we keep on and don't let the relapse become another downward spiral.  Step up and keep moving forward!

 

I'm happy for you that you're in love!  Just be sure you're doing this for YOURSELF.  Otherwise it won't stick.

 

But I do believe a lot of addictions stem from loneliness and searching for true connection to other people.  Just don't substitute your new love for your former addiction...... because people do also become addicted to love.   Sorry if this is too harsh but I've seen it happen and it ruins relationships, which I would hate to see happen to you!  

 

Hugs! And congrats!  You can do this!

[Doge]

thank you for your advice.   i need as much as i can get

[survived]

The good news is that you always come back!

 

I'm sure there's people who I've seen on here, that went back to Adderall and are still currently on Adderall.

 

You keep coming back, so that alone seems to be a real commitment to wanting to quit.

 

Now you just need to quit for good and stay off. I have hope for you.