Random past Adderall thoughts.

[survived]

So I'm on two years of no Adderall now and I still haven't emotionally recovered from my Adderall days. One day, no rush.

 

I look back at old photos of me when I thought I was really good looking and looked amazing(Adderall inflated self esteem) and well....I didn't look bad but I didn't look good either or healthy! I had a really pale face, no color on my cheeks, almost grayish looking sometimes.

 

I look at photos of myself a year prior to that and I clean glowing skin, pink color on my cheeks and had a really happy look on my face, hair shined.

 

Adderall photos I had an open smile in photos that was fake, nothing was natural and the smiles never reached my eyes. I think about how miserable I was inside. I was happy to be with the people I was around in the photos but in the inside I was dying. I was addicted and I was heartbroken about my addiction but I couldn't stop.

 

Thankfully it seems like my appearance bounced back at least 70% after 4 years of damage. Skin is not in the best condition, hair hasn't fully grown back but it looks much much healthier.

 

I have a normal weight gain now. I was at a scary low weight back then and at one point, I was bones. I was able to see my chest bones and some of my ribs. My clothes hung off my body.

 

I am so happy to have overcome this part of my life. So so thankful! because I was killing myself.

 

I am finally in the now. I am present. I am enjoying peoples company. I'm not living in the misery of Adderall addiction.

[Doge]

My pill supplier used to always talk my ear off when I visited about his whole family and how much he loved them.  His nephews, sister, parents etc.

 

I saw a family picture of him with his family on facebook, and was standing in the back looking like a serial killer about to murder each and every one of them.

[survived]

Ok that's funny. Did he have a tweaker look to his face?

 

I had forgotten I had tweaked out eyes in some photos. Those are kind of hard to conceal.

[Frank B]

 Just curious at two years are you still tired most of the day? I have been eating right getting plenty of sleep exercising every other day or doing physical work but yet I still feel like I drag ass most of the day. I'm limiting my caffeine even stopped it all together for month but stopping wasn't the magic cure I was hoping for. I really need to step things up and I'm doing everything I think is necessary to achieve a day of full productivity. I simply cannot go on like this for two years straight I have a house payment bills and kids. I keep trying to force myself but so hard to stay focused on tasks I do not enjoy doing. I know going back to this shit is not the answer but living like this the rest of my life simply wont happen I cant allow it.

[survived]

 Just curious at two years are you still tired most of the day? I have been eating right getting plenty of sleep exercising every other day or doing physical work but yet I still feel like I drag ass most of the day. I'm limiting my caffeine even stopped it all together for month but stopping wasn't the magic cure I was hoping for. I really need to step things up and I'm doing everything I think is necessary to achieve a day of full productivity. I simply cannot go on like this for two years straight I have a house payment bills and kids. I keep trying to force myself but so hard to stay focused on tasks I do not enjoy doing. I know going back to this shit is not the answer but living like this the rest of my life simply wont happen I cant allow it.

 

I still think you're really early in recovery. I was a mess at 10 months. One of the last times I did a major update was when I was off 15 months. Going to the store for a couple of hours was an accomplishment and I don't think that it was until...month 17 and onwards that I felt really good and time started passing by quick. So you're only 5/7 months away from that, that's really not that long. That is when I started getting some relief from the fatigue.

 

I still feel a bit of fatigue now, but it's from quitting Klonopin (benzo's) not Adderall. Since I got off of both meds at different times, I've been able to separate what was caused from quitting Adderall and what was caused from quitting the Klonopin. The fatigue from Adderall has got to be one of the worst things I had to go through and I'm hoping to make another update about it sometime.

 

Am I still Adderall tired? No. Not at all. I think I'm completely healed from the Adderall.

 

I exercised, I ate clean, drank a lot of water, drank minimal coffee but unfortunately the only thing that could heal me was time.

[Frank B]

Days just seem to fly by now unlike when I first stopped and I keep looking back on the day like wtf did I do nothing! I guess the fact Im on my computer tonight doing invoices and skipping back to this site is a sign of progress where couple months ago doing office work at night would not be happening.

[Doge]

if you are surviving and not really drinking coffee then you are already a super hero.  I drink like two full pots of coffee a day to myself and strong coffee too

[survived]

Days just seem to fly by now unlike when I first stopped and I keep looking back on the day like wtf did I do nothing! I guess the fact Im on my computer tonight doing invoices and skipping back to this site is a sign of progress where couple months ago doing office work at night would not be happening.

Yeah, it might feel like no progress but I'm sure progress is being made. You're able to work on invoices! That takes cognitive work! You are healing well.

[survived]

if you are surviving and not really drinking coffee then you are already a super hero.  I drink like two full pots of coffee a day to myself and strong coffee too

LOL.

 

The coffee didn't work on me! All it did was make my heart race.