blueyedgrl Posted October 4, 2016 Report Share Posted October 4, 2016 I was active on this site at various points of my experience with adderall. I first flushed them, then went a long time without it,then gave it for thenXR and all hell broke loose. I am a 30yo mom of a 10yo and a3 weeks old. When i found out I was pregnant i tried my best to quit the adderall. My psychiatrist aaid it was okay for me to take because when i stopped i completelt fell apart. So i continued taking it throughout my pregnancy, had to add zoloft because i was so depressed and incapacitated. I prayed wvery aingle time i took mt adderall that my daughter would be healthy. I was blessed with a perfect, beautiful baby girl. She is 3 weeks old and i still take the adderall. I am on maternity leave but i dread the da i habe to go back to work. My live, or rather my mental well-being depends on adderall. When i tske mtly prescdose of 30mgXR i dont feel anything, the only reason i take it is because i would not be able to get oit of bed. I tried quitting but my family or my employer are not used to me being so useless. I was even asked at work if i was ok because ive alaays been so active and outspoken. Now i feel like i have ny dirry little secret. .. anyway idk why im writing this, i jusy needed to take ir off my chest. I honestly think thereis no way out at this point. I cannot function without it yet it gives me constant anxiety and headaches. Im at loss, i never though this woule affect me in the way it dd Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LILTEX41 Posted October 4, 2016 Report Share Posted October 4, 2016 Few things. 1) You said, "I first flushed them, then went a long time without it." Good, you can draw strength and experience from this that quitting adderall is possible and you CAN survive without it. 2) Sounds like with having young children like that, maybe your best approach would be a very slow taper down method? If you can slowly adjust to getting off of them so you are still functional instead of a cold turkey quit where you are paralytic for some time, that would definitely be better for the sake of your kiddos. 3) You said, "My live, or rather my mental well-being depends on adderall." Yet, you also said, "When i tske mtly prescdose of 30mgXR i dont feel anything." How is not feeling anything equate to healthy well being? So if you are knocked out and numb to all your feelings (joy, happiness, love, kindness, sadness, frustration, hurt, excitement, and for example enthusiasm) then your mental health has improved? Am I understanding what you are saying correctly? It's better to feel tranquilized than to have feelings? 4) Your addicted brain is rationalizing staying on the pills because you dread the day of working again without it and the comment made by co-workers, "I was even asked at work if i was ok because ive always been so active and outspoken." Understand that these are ONLY short term problems of quitting. These problems will disappear in the long term and yes to the people around you, you may seem like a totally different person in the beginning. They will not understand what changed, BUT you don't owe them anything. THIS IS YOUR LIFE AT STAKE. You owe it to yourself and your children to be a happy, well rounded, mentally stable parent. You deserve a good life. We all do!! Don't let adderall steal it from you!!! 5) You said, "I cannot function without it yet it gives me constant anxiety and headaches." Again, change your thinking process to, "I cannot function without it in the short term. In the long term this is the best decision I could ever make for myself and my children." It boils down to weighing out the costs/benefits of this drug. On one hand, in the short term it makes you super woman. But it makes you anxious, headaches, probably feel like crap, and incapacitated without it. You are dependent on a substance RIGHT NOW to carry out your daily tasks, but again you can re-learn how to function and be successful without it. All the damage it causes you in the long term is far greater than some short term benefit. It's just not worth it. If you slowly taper down, you can still manage to take care of your children without falling apart. You can adjust to being clean during your maternity leave with none of the difficulties of going to work. IN this time, look up everything you can on how to get organized and better manage your ADD. There are so many things you can do that will help you and strategies not just for people with ADD, but that anyone could use. Thank you for sharing your struggles with us. I wish you nothing but the best in your quitting efforts. Stick around the site and you'll have all the support you can ever imagine! 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beback17 Posted October 5, 2016 Report Share Posted October 5, 2016 I'm glad you posted this. Don't feel ashamed. The folks on this site can be very helpful and a huge source of strength when you quit. LILTEX is right, especially #4 - your addiction is rationalizing and trying to convince you to keep taking adderall. You can make it through work, trust me. I was taking a very high dosage (all day every day) and was able to get through work when I quit. I did have to take a few sick days because I literally couldn't get out of bed, but that was in the first week. It has only been 29 days since stopping adderall, and I stll have days where work is painful, but it is getting better. And guess what - I'm happy, I feel sad and its ok, I feel joy and that is ok too. I can sit with my feelings because there isn't that lingering guilt and paranoia (self hate) that comes with Adderall. We all know what that feeling is and it is terrible. keep logging onto this site and look into some supplements that will help with Adderall withdrawal. They certainly help in the beginning. Sending positive thoughts your way! 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blueyedgrl Posted October 10, 2016 Author Report Share Posted October 10, 2016 Few things. 1) You said, "I first flushed them, then went a long time without it." Good, you can draw strength and experience from this that quitting adderall is possible and you CAN survive without it. 2) Sounds like with having young children like that, maybe your best approach would be a very slow taper down method? If you can slowly adjust to getting off of them so you are still functional instead of a cold turkey quit where you are paralytic for some time, that would definitely be better for the sake of your kiddos. 3) You said, "My live, or rather my mental well-being depends on adderall." Yet, you also said, "When i tske mtly prescdose of 30mgXR i dont feel anything." How is not feeling anything equate to healthy well being? So if you are knocked out and numb to all your feelings (joy, happiness, love, kindness, sadness, frustration, hurt, excitement, and for example enthusiasm) then your mental health has improved? Am I understanding what you are saying correctly? It's better to feel tranquilized than to have feelings? 4) Your addicted brain is rationalizing staying on the pills because you dread the day of working again without it and the comment made by co-workers, "I was even asked at work if i was ok because ive always been so active and outspoken." Understand that these are ONLY short term problems of quitting. These problems will disappear in the long term and yes to the people around you, you may seem like a totally different person in the beginning. They will not understand what changed, BUT you don't owe them anything. THIS IS YOUR LIFE AT STAKE. You owe it to yourself and your children to be a happy, well rounded, mentally stable parent. You deserve a good life. We all do!! Don't let adderall steal it from you!!! 5) You said, "I cannot function without it yet it gives me constant anxiety and headaches." Again, change your thinking process to, "I cannot function without it in the short term. In the long term this is the best decision I could ever make for myself and my children." It boils down to weighing out the costs/benefits of this drug. On one hand, in the short term it makes you super woman. But it makes you anxious, headaches, probably feel like crap, and incapacitated without it. You are dependent on a substance RIGHT NOW to carry out your daily tasks, but again you can re-learn how to function and be successful without it. All the damage it causes you in the long term is far greater than some short term benefit. It's just not worth it. If you slowly taper down, you can still manage to take care of your children without falling apart. You can adjust to being clean during your maternity leave with none of the difficulties of going to work. IN this time, look up everything you can on how to get organized and better manage your ADD. There are so many things you can do that will help you and strategies not just for people with ADD, but that anyone could use. Thank you for sharing your struggles with us. I wish you nothing but the best in your quitting efforts. Stick around the site and you'll have all the support you can ever imagine! Thank you so much for your response. I apologize for my awful typing, if i type fast i make a ton of mistakes without realizing. To answer some of your questions when I said my life and mental well being depend on adderall i meant that if I dont take it im incapacitated, i cant get out of bed, i have mood swings , depression, i eat like there's no tomorrow, i have zero patience to deal with family, friends or coworkers. But when I said i take 30mg xr and it doesnt do anything i mean that I don't feel focused, and of course the euphoric feelings has been gone for a long time, so i feel like i dont get any benefits as far as adhd but at least im able to function and get out of bed. I have two kids and i cannot even imagine trying to quit it right now with a newborn that needs me every 2hours at least and a 5th grader. When I was pregnant i cut down the dosage and it was also barely working but i attributed this to increased weight and fluid volume, when i went back on the 30mgxr i realized inprobaby wont get the same effect again unless itl take more. So ive been taking probably 45mg-60mg xr (inopen the capsules ) just to get going enough to be productive. Then im chain smoking and staying up all night all wired because icant sleep and cant take anything for sleep because.ik worried I won't hear the baby. I know in rationalizing my use, and i know that at this point its abuse and addiction. But i cant see a time in a near future when ill be ableto sleep for days while my body recovers. I want to try the taper down method but i tried it before and ended up taking more anyway. I think because my relationship with my husband and daughter improved so much when i first started the medications i really felt it was tje answer to my prayers. Little did i know.... Im.constantly torn between stopping and actually asking for a dose increase. I know that every time i increase my dose i get further and further from recovery. I never thought this could turn on me so quickly. Especially that I really do have adhd and had it since i was q little girl, and once i found something that worked i was so happy and relieved. Now not only am i having adhd symptoms and feellike im in a constant brain fog, im also addicted to adderall. I tried to make my life and my family life better, and i did for a while, and now im a closeted addict ashamed of mt dependence on adderall 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Frank B Posted October 12, 2016 Report Share Posted October 12, 2016 Ill tell u what made me really take a hard look at my addiction. I was staying up all night also a lot and one day with my then 3 yr old son I nearly passed out at Kmart then again driving home had to pull over call someone to take me home then passed out slept for 12 hrs straight. You might feel like your being a more alert mother on it but the reality is sleeping very little your putting your children at risk and your altreness is not what you think it is. I think you can stop and your motherly instinct will take over even if your dead tired from stopping you will hear your child crying at night. It's not easy not gonna lie 10 months out and still question if this is the best thing long term but I know that answer deep down and glad I can find help from others on this site. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blueyedgrl Posted January 1, 2019 Author Report Share Posted January 1, 2019 Update: so i have been off of adderall for a while now. Not long after writing this post. I changed jobs and moved and people at my new job didnt know any other "me" i worked nights and slept during the day. I gained a ton of weight, i was depressed but i quit the adderall. I then went on a keto diet and lost 40lbs, gained some of it back but after my birthday im going back on it. I just wanted to say its still hard, i still miss it every day. I look up psychiatrists in my area tk make an appointment but never actually do it. I also quit smoking and drinking and all my other medications. I prayed so much for God to help me be free of the substances and he did! But i still miss it every day. I actually came on here because i have been thinking more and more about going back on it. I needed to re-read how i felt when i was on it. I want to thank you all for being active on this forum. I honestly didnt think it was possible to be off of it 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SleepyStupid Posted January 2, 2019 Report Share Posted January 2, 2019 18 hours ago, blueyedgrl said: I actually came on here because i have been thinking more and more about going back on it. I needed to re-read how i felt when i was on it. I want to thank you all for being active on this forum. I honestly didnt think it was possible to be off of it yes. this site is not only a place of support but also a reminder of our pain. i have a tape recorded message to myself from my darkest times on adderall. its literally a plea to myself to never use again. can't even make out some parts of it cause i'm crying so hard. it's fucking brutal to listen to, but the effect is SO visceral. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Frank B Posted January 2, 2019 Report Share Posted January 2, 2019 I understand quitting but still looking back st times. Do u still work nights? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blueyedgrl Posted January 2, 2019 Author Report Share Posted January 2, 2019 3 hours ago, Frank B said: I understand quitting but still looking back st times. Do u still work nights? No, i went back to working days i work 3 12h shifts (im a nurse) im not the super nurse anymore but im also not one of the lazy ones. I constantly look on my phone and am distracted a lot but i push myself at work and keep telling myself over and over again that i can be a good nurse without it. I also went back to school for my post-masters certifcate to be a family nurse practitioner and i just finished my first class with A-. I see now that its not the adderall that made me smart or successful and i can do it without it, i just have to push myself more and use some adhd strategies to keep myself on track. I think pushing myself is what my life feels like all the time since quitting adderall. Like i have to push myself to get out of bed, be a good nurse, keep the house clean, do homework, take care of the kids etc, it feels like it takes so much more effort. BUT my creativity is back, i didnt realize how adderall robbed me of my hobbies, i have been creating art again and doing different projects around the house. I am slowly accepting that this new me is who I am. I can lose weight, i can finish school, i can be a good mother and a nurse without adderall. Some days i just wish i had a little boost but then I try to be kind to myself and take a nap. All in all i think i have been struggling with depression my whole life and when the adderall euphoria came into my life the depression lifted and i just felt so happy and motivated and confident. That is what i miss the most but i know even if i went back on it it wouldnt be the same. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Frank B Posted January 3, 2019 Report Share Posted January 3, 2019 Sounds like your doing a lot great job! Addy helped my depression also but more than likely just sort of masked it. I have a lot more depression in the winter with the lack of sun exposure for sure. I look at my phone too often as well but pretty much everyone these days has the problem it seems. Im not sure where your at on recovery but the 3rd year things seem to improve more so don’t feel where your at is how it always will be. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Socially awkward Posted January 3, 2019 Report Share Posted January 3, 2019 Well done for quitting and thank you for sharing. Your story is really inspirational as you demonstrated you could achieve a lot more after Adderall in terms of furthering your education, losing weight the healthy way, taking up new hobbies and generally being a better role model for your children. You know your time is up when you reach the stage of needing Adderall just to ward off the withdrawels yet you don’t actually get any other benefit anymore. How long were you off Adderall before you started working again? I also work a lot of 12hr day & night shifts as a nurse and way too much overtime. I’m scared to quit whilst im working as I’m so angry following each attempt that I upset everybody. I needed to read your story to see that it is possible to be successful, work long shifts, study plus raise a family without being a cheat and popping pills. Am trying to organise some leave so I can detox and start over again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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