Rachel Posted February 28, 2017 Report Share Posted February 28, 2017 Day 46, and struggling even worse. I really want to go back on it, but getting it will be incredibly difficult. Guess that's a good thing...I put all the roadblocks in place early on. Now I wish I hadn't. My addict brain will always find a way...But I am in a program, and they test us, so that is also motivation to NOT relapse. Hope you all are well! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bubbagump99 Posted March 1, 2017 Report Share Posted March 1, 2017 I know it's hard. I took my last adderall sept 21st not that I'm counting or anything lol I did taper after I failed cold turkey once. Tapering was hard but for me it was better than cold turkey because I didn't have that annoying fog brain thing. youre still pretty early.. it takes time. I actually have a bottle of leftover pills that I can't seem to throw away but I can't make myself take one even on the days I so desperately want to. It sucks. the thing that really keeps me from taking one is thinking about how far I've come even if it's not huge. I think about going backwards and starting all over and all that pain and misery reliving it.. it would be like I suffered through all that for nothing. Why go backwards? Keep looking and moving forward. I know it's hard, believe me. Sometimes I have good days sometimes I have bad.. starting to wonder if I'm bipolar Lol I notice though when I actuallly force myself out of the house and get outside, I'm in a better mood and don't feel so lazy and down. How long were u on for? How much? 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rachel Posted March 1, 2017 Author Report Share Posted March 1, 2017 Thank you for sharing that with me. It really helps talking to other people about this. I didn't take it for very long--2 years. I started at 5 mg and then progressed to bingeing on it. I can't even tell you the amount because I just shoved it in my mouth throughout the day, and stay up for 4 nights in a row. Then I would run out and crash, wait for more, and start the crazy cycle again. Then I started to break the psychosis barrier last July. Panic attacks, paranoia, and finally a full blown break with hallucinations that ended up in a 5150. I lost my script, needless to say. I can't believe I still want the stuff!!! I went cold turkey, not by choice. Congrats on your sobriety time!!! If I had that bottle around me, I would have been incredibly tempted to take some...I am very inspired to hear you are doing so well. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Frank B Posted March 1, 2017 Report Share Posted March 1, 2017 11 hours ago, Smhjen said: I know it's hard. I took my last adderall sept 21st not that I'm counting or anything lol I did taper after I failed cold turkey once. Tapering was hard but for me it was better than cold turkey because I didn't have that annoying fog brain thing. youre still pretty early.. it takes time. I actually have a bottle of leftover pills that I can't seem to throw away but I can't make myself take one even on the days I so desperately want to. It sucks. the thing that really keeps me from taking one is thinking about how far I've come even if it's not huge. I think about going backwards and starting all over and all that pain and misery reliving it.. it would be like I suffered through all that for nothing. Why go backwards? Keep looking and moving forward. I know it's hard, believe me. Sometimes I have good days sometimes I have bad.. starting to wonder if I'm bipolar Lol I notice though when I actuallly force myself out of the house and get outside, I'm in a better mood and don't feel so lazy and down. How long were u on for? How much? I know this drug has made me bipolar I'm up and down all the time mostly down but getting better. So what is your goal here Smhjen? You just trying to quit for a few months then give in? If you keep that bottle around I'm 99.9% sure you will relapse. The only way I made it 15 months by not having any around period. If you truely want to be done for good I'd flush those pills down the toilet today it changed my view totally once I did that and knew it's real this time no going back. Of course I could always find a new doctor get a new script etc but giving in to that spur of the moment temptation is gone and that's huge. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oswhid Posted March 1, 2017 Report Share Posted March 1, 2017 My husband didn't flush his pills until he was two months in. He was very adamant about it but wouldn't say why. It wasn't until later until I figured it out. He normally got three months supply at a time. He didn't want to flush them until he had made it to the next refill date in case he changed his mind. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Frank B Posted March 1, 2017 Report Share Posted March 1, 2017 29 minutes ago, oswhid said: My husband didn't flush his pills until he was two months in. He was very adamant about it but wouldn't say why. It wasn't until later until I figured it out. He normally got three months supply at a time. He didn't want to flush them until he had made it to the next refill date in case he changed his mind. Hey important thing is he did it and that's awesome it's a big step. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oswhid Posted March 1, 2017 Report Share Posted March 1, 2017 Yeah it was awesome getting to watch them disappear. I cannot describe how much I hated those pills. I was wanting to make a big deal of it but he brought them home from work, marched right in and dumped them. I don't think he wanted to waste any time in case he changed his mind. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Subtracterall Posted March 1, 2017 Report Share Posted March 1, 2017 Rachel you can do this. You've worked so hard already to quit don't undo all your hard work. You don't want to have to start from scratch and go through this again. It will get better with time. I was on for 12 years and I can no longer take it because I it makes me physically ill now. I think we all eventually get to that point if we take it long enough. You want to quit this sh!t while you are young. It's harder to recover when you are older like me. I should have never went back on after having my son and maybe I would have avoided all the health problems I'm having now. Don't make the same mistake I made by going back on this stuff. Hang in there. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rachel Posted March 4, 2017 Author Report Share Posted March 4, 2017 Thank you all for posting. I'm on day 50 today, and it's getting a little better. I actually have finally had the energy to exercise the last two days, and it felt great!! Someone mentioned that exercise really helps, and they were right! I saw my psych last Tuesday, and we are waiting 2 more weeks until I am out on an ADHD med. Thank GOD no more Strattera! I hate that stuff and do not recommend it to anyone. I am a little tired of waiting for her to address my ADHD. I am still in a program that is making me see a different psych than my regular one, and I don't like her. I am thinking of quitting the program and going back to my regular psych so I can have some sort of help for my ADHD. What a conundrum, and ADHD drug addict with a drug of choice of Adderall. :-( I hope all of you are well. I am definitely better, but I would be lying if I said I didn't miss the stuff. My friend that is on it wants to hang out this weekend. He is very supportive of me not being on it, so I don't think he's dangerous. I am just afraid I will try to talk him into giving me some. I am not sure if I would even succeed, but...I don't know. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NotToday Posted March 5, 2017 Report Share Posted March 5, 2017 Glad you are doing better! It is definitely a process. There will be lots of bad days, but the good ones help to hold onto hope! I also put a lot of roadblocks in my way when I quit because I knew that was the only way I was going to actually be able to. I could not imagine having a bottle in my house. I'm certain I would have relapsed by now. i actually made an appt with my old psychiatrist about 5 months or so after I had quit to ask her to put me on some kind of anti depressant cause I thought I was seriously going to lose it. She must have forgotten that I told her I was in a rehab and to not give me any more prescriptions because I walked in and she told me 'I knew you'd be back, you need to be on these medications.' I couldn't even stop her and I walked out with scripts in hand. I'll NEVER forgot how absolutely consuming and powerful the physical craving was. My heart was pounding and I could barely breathe. It literally took every ounce of willpower and sense I had left to not fill those scripts. I just kept telling myself don't fill these tonight, you can fill them tomorrow while my addict brain kept telling me that it would fix everything and it would be different this time. I ripped them up the next morning and never went back. I am sooooo grateful now that I made it through that and it terrifies me how easy it was to get the script again. I think that experience has helped me a lot though because I see that no matter how it feels in the moment, that I will later regret it. It does get easier p.s. no idea how I got into such a ramble there lol 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rachel Posted March 5, 2017 Author Report Share Posted March 5, 2017 WOW you ripped the scripts up? That is SO AWESOME. Big props to you! That must have been so difficult, God I don't think I could have done it. Thank you for sharing that, it really helped. I don't know if I will ever be put on a stimulant again. It terrifies me to think about going back to the psychosis. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bubbagump99 Posted March 8, 2017 Report Share Posted March 8, 2017 Glad you are feeling better! Exercising and eating healthy makes a huge difference. I understand why people roll their eyes when you say it but until you try it... then you're like sh!t, they were right!! Haha happy to hear you're doing well!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rachel Posted March 12, 2017 Author Report Share Posted March 12, 2017 I have 59 days today! I still have cravings, but I'm staying strong. The support systems help a ton! Thank you everyone for helping me on here! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rachel Posted March 13, 2017 Author Report Share Posted March 13, 2017 2 months today! We can do this! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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