Please Help... :(

[vconfusedgirl]

Hi,

It's been 2 months since I quit, and it's not getting better. I've never been skinny without Adderall. It's the only thing that's ever been able to take my mind off of being obsessed with food. And that in itself was the biggest fucking relief. Especially because for what I want to do (music and acting), I HAVE to be skinny. There's a problem though - I'm a little addicted to Adderall. I didn't take more than I was prescribed, ever. Just 20mg a day. But that was enough to get me soaring high. I've wasted a lot of time on it, doing things I thought were important, that really weren't. I've isolated myself, and not cared about having friends or living life because of it. Just being skinny. And I took it on the weekends, even when I wasn't doing school, because I didn't wanna be hungry. So I decided to go off it, and see what happened. Now, I'm on the other end of the spectrum. The good news is my personality is better, I like to talk to people, and I'm nicer. The bad news is the weight is piling on, I can't stop eating, and all I wanna do is lay around and watch TV all day. Some days I gets bursts of motivation and go workout and eat healthy and do my online college. But most days I fail. I haven't gotten the motivation to write songs again. I didn't use to be this way before I ever took Adderall. Did Adderall mess up my brain for good? Do I have permanent ADD/Depression now? I don't know what to do. If I could be motivated and eat healthy and workout without it, I'd be better off without it overall. But that isn't what's happening. And I sleep 10 hours a night now - I never used to do that. Why is my brain not going back to normal?? I'm struggling, wanting to go back on it so I can be skinny again. I can't do what I love (music and acting) if I'm fat. I just can't. But I also don't wanna isolate myself from the world again. I don't know what the answer is. There are no Adderall support groups I can go to (not that I've been able to find). If anyone help give me some advice, it would be greatly appreciated. I know if I go back to a psychiatrist, they will tell me I NEED Adderall, just to make their money.....and that's not what I want. I want someone to tell me the truth. I've been signed to a major record deal before. I've got lots of followers online. I've got millions of views. I live in LA. I have the writing abilities. i have what it takes, to make things start happening for me again, I know I do. But I'm not moving forward. I've been at a standstill the past few years. Everyone gave up on me, and someone told me about Adderall, and it's been keeping me sane these past few years, and motivated to get my career back on track, but....despite the motivation, I haven't moved forward. I don't know if it's Adderall, or what it is that is standing in my way, but all I want is to do the thing that's gonna make me the most successful. Whatever that is - that's the thing I want to do. Whether it be sober, or on pills. So if anyone has any advice or opinions - please let me know. I'll be forever grateful!

Sincerely, 

A v confused girl in need of some help.

[KimR]

From my experience you'll notice your brain fog sort of start to fade away sometime after three months. When I quit in the past it was the three month mark where things really started getting better. 

Everyone's different, but you've came to the right place for guidance. I'm in the process of getting back off it again, so I'm not much help at the moment. Stick around. Everyone on this board is amazing. 

[NotToday]

 First of all, congratulations on 2 months adderall-free. This is, in itself, a HUGE feat that you cannot downplay. Secondly, what you are experiencing at 2 months is absolutely normal and you will see the same theme play out over and over again in many posts. You have not damaged yourself forever, but recovery from adderall is most definitely a long process.  

I can relate to a lot of your story as well. One of my favorite aspects of adderall was the weight loss. Looking back on my 'honeymoon' stage, everything just seemed to come together in my life. Growing up I never really lived up to my full potential and struggled with laziness and overeating, but on adderall I became the person I always thought I was meant to be. I went from pretty much dropping out of several classes my freshman year of college to getting straight As and graduating with honors. I got an internship my senior year which led to being hired full time and two more promotions in just a couple of years. I was quickly moving up the corporate ladder with no signs of slowing down. From the outside, it truly appeared that I finally had it all together. I was willing to pay any price to keep the success, and in turn, the addiction going. I always told myself that i would quit, but when it was the right time. Unfortunately the right time never comes and life will always have its demands. 

Adderall is unsustainable in the long term and sooner or later something has to give. I can only speak from my experience, but I wish I would have heeded the early warning signs of isolation and overall just strange behaviors. Instead, I placed my idea of 'success' above everything else until ultimately, I did lose everything else. The one thing left- my job, which I thought was what defined me I would so gladly trade to get back the wasted time and all the relationships I neglected. 

You can definitely be successful without the adderall, but give yourself permission to take the needed time to recover first knowing that you still have the rest of your life to make your dreams come true. This is a small sacrifice in the big picture. 

Anyways you will find so much great advice and support in these forums. Stick around, you will find a group of people who understand this struggle like no one else can. 

[Subtracterall]

Your reasons for wanting to take adderall sound so much like mine. Adderall made me stop obsessing about food because it killed my appetite. On adderal I was finally free to think about non food related topics. 

Here is what I have found to be true from my experience with adderall. Adderall got me skinny in the short term but as you can see it is not a long term solution to staying thin. We  can be slender off of adderall but we have to find out what works for our bodies and we won't find that on adderall.  

Adderall will cause you to postpone finding a sustainable solution to your obsessive relationship with food.

IMO adderall plus an eating disorder is an extremely dangerous combination. I have an eating disorder and I suspect that is why I had such horrid health issues as a result of taking adderall - because I was not getting enough calories.  

Here is what I think you should do....Stay off adderall and get treatment for eating disorder.  I apologize if that sounds harsh. I don't mean for it to sound harsh but I'm not very good with words. 

Also give yourself a break and congrats for being off for two months!