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Jared

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hi Jared,

thanks for finally sharing your story- it's really quite cathartic laying it all out there. if you've been following the forum for a while, you'll know that the "fall from grace" theme is quite common, and im very sorry to hear about your injuries. i too was presented with an opportunity to make my dreams come true in the music industry, but it was at the height of my abuse and i was too fucked up to follow through with it. the irony was that i had allowed myself to get addicted, knowing full well the risks, for the purpose of pursuing these ambitions.. and it ended up being the thing that shattered them.

 

13 hours ago, Jared said:

I don’t crave the drug at all and that’s why this whole situation has me fucked up. I go back and get the pills because I convince myself that things will be different (my inner addict talking). I go and pick up my script just because its available, not even because it’s what I want to do. But once I take that first pill, then shittttttt, I become full blown addicted again. All I do is crave the next. That is why it is so important for me to stay away all together.

 

i think one of the biggest hurdles to quitting for good is the acceptance that things will not be different with the next script. once you've crossed the line into abuse (and binge use especially), there is no going back. i relapsed for a couple of months recently after over 2 years off, and no surprise went RIGHT BACK to the same pattern of use. it will never be the same as it was before.

you said yourself, when you're off adderall : "I am social, I do not experience the depression, I can work out daily, and the anxiety is not there". that's like 80% of the battle right there!!! i think that remaining piece is "what is missing in your life that you think adderall will provide?". its a deep question, and goes to the root of how we define happiness in our lives. not an easy one to answer for sure. clearly, you are not happy right now.. but maybe ridding yourself of this addiction for good is in and of itself the thing that will make you happy? (:

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Man.. I know exactly how you feel, in the beginning I used it a lot for tennis although i wasn't going pro and was just a small college. The confidence and motivation it gave made me play like a champ it made you forget everything, live in the moment and believe in yourself. All things you can do without a drug and once you develops that without a drug it sticks and doesn't leave you crashing down a mere few hours later like adderall. Also, with the girlfriend not understanding the hell we put ourselves through and keeping it cool on the surface right there with you on that and in my case my gf left my ass right when I was quitting which you'll need all the love and support you can get. And the cycle.. going back to binge then immediately being like fuck this shit then coming across the pills or script again and doing it all over and over. I was convinced I was going to quit probably 30-40 times over the last two years then I realized I was going fucking nuts and would kill my self or die so I cut off my source and it's been 9 months and feeling like I did permanent damage. If you can stop and still fall back into life socialize etc no problem please do it man you don't want to fuck your shit up long term and be in this shit hole I still am at 9 months clean. Appearing crazy unable to communicate ridiculous anxiety. I wish you the best and that you say fuck adderall for good cause it's not leading you anywhere you want to be trust me. 

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First off, thank you all for responding! I've really felt a bit abandoned at time and I truly believe that now that I am on this site that it's setting me up to finally succeed in getting off this shit. I will try to become an active user on this site because I feel like a lot of people in today's generation are reading the messages that we are writing on here but will take some time to come out of the woods and put themselves out there like we all have.

@RockbottomIn the country my parents were born in they call it football :)

@sleepystupid I can't even imagine trying to be the creative genius that you need to be in pursuing music while doped up on this stuff! I've found that even though I never reached my ultimate dream, as time goes on, our dreams change and our goals become attainable.
Also, you are absolutely right that things do not change with the next script!
But yes, I definitely have accomplished 80% of the battle but I do not want to fool anybody that I never experienced any of those things. For the first 6 months or so after my initial quit (even though I relapsed for about 3 days during that time), my life was absolutely hell. Everything was a drag and I just felt like the world was closing in on me through the crippling anxiety and mountainous depression. At about that same 6 month mark I also decided to get back into sport, just in a different capacity. I started coaching a team of 8 year olds in Maryland and I can genuinely tell you that those girls have taught me so much more about life than I could ever teach them about sport. Their carefree way of living and their positive energy is one of the things that is absolutely driving me to still get clean as I am still working with them.
One of the reasons I feel like I continue to go back to using is because of my body. I put on about 15 pounds after my quit and even though I do not look or feel bigger in any capacity, I don't feel like myself. That's one of the ways I justify taking it again in my head: "Just take it for a week and work out and you'll go back down 10 pounds at the drop of a hat". Unfortunately, what I tell myself works! But then again, at that point I haven't slept for 4 days, my anxiety is fucking astronomical, I become anti-social, and I know as soon as I quit that everything will pile right back on :(
While that is one of the reasons, I know in my heart that you are right and there is something bigger that is haunting me in a way that drives me to justify taking a pill again. I just need to cut off my source and I know that I would never even consider the idea of swallowing a piece of hell again.

@SeanW Bro, you are not permanently fucked! I'm not sure if you have or not already but please go back and read some of the OG's of this forum like the story of @Greg. This dude took 2 years to get off his couch and feel totally normal again! Go back and read some of @Frank B's posts from when he first quit! His mind was juggled and you could read it in his post but this dude has made such a great recovery that it should only give you hope! Keep on going, Frank. 
You are only at 9 months, bro. Just keep moving forward. This also might be counterintuitive to what other people have told you but I would just challenge you to go out and make a fucking fool of yourself trying to talk to people (it doesn't need to people people you know). If your girl left you, download tinder and swipe right a million times to just get used to talking to people again! Haha! The only way your brain is going to heal itself is if you go out and try to heal it! It needs to be challenged in order to form those neural connections again - it's really fucking incredible how it works! I was definitely in that crazy awkward stage for the first months after I quit as well. The more positive you are the smoother your recovery will become.
Also, playing sport on this shit is fucked up, man! I can't believe we both challenged ourselves for so long athletically while relying on this shit. I can tell you for fact from personal experience that this shit is passed around like Aleve on game days in professional locker rooms. How fucked up is that? This drug is a way bigger problem than anybody ever portrays it to be.

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haha thanks man, I guess I'm just in a slump because for the first six months I forced my self to go out with friends and it was just shitty and for the last couple months I've just been like fuck it I'm fucked but yeah man I guess I need to try to pick the positivity back up and just say what the fuck ever and if I make a fool of my self let it go. I never gave a shit before adderall and try to remind myself that but for some reason I do now after whatever I did to my brain. Anyways man hope you stay on here and things go well for you, a team sport will definitely help in recovery. 

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15 hours ago, Jared said:

I've found that even though I never reached my ultimate dream, as time goes on, our dreams change and our goals become attainable.

absolutely this. i have no desire anymore to be a professional songwriter, but my goal now is simply to get back to a point where i enjoy doing it just for me. it' a surprisingly tough goal, because adderall changes how you perceive and approach your passions and hobbies. towards the end, it was more about proving to the world my ability, it stopped being fun.

 

15 hours ago, Jared said:

One of the reasons I feel like I continue to go back to using is because of my body. I put on about 15 pounds after my quit and even though I do not look or feel bigger in any capacity, I don't feel like myself. That's one of the ways I justify taking it again in my head: "Just take it for a week and work out and you'll go back down 10 pounds at the drop of a hat". Unfortunately, what I tell myself works! But then again, at that point I haven't slept for 4 days, my anxiety is fucking astronomical, I become anti-social, and I know as soon as I quit that everything will pile right back on :(

i have to imagine that being pro-athlete level means your level of fitness and discipline is MORE than enough to shed a few pounds if you want, even if you're not actively playing. you of all people definitely don't need adderall for that!

this might sound a little blunt (and kind of the opposite of the deep reason i suggested before) but it is more or less true: the main reason we keep coming back to the pill is simply because we miss getting high. everything else is a twisted rationalization to do it. when you shed all that rationalization, and accept it for what it is, you kind of demonize it internally. i think it's easier to say "i will not be a fucking drug addict anymore"  vs. "i'll try to be successful without adderall". these are technically the same statement, but in my mind, one is much more powerful than the other (:

 

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I used to do the same thing as you. I would quit for a couple months and then end up going back to the doctor and getting more, every time. The ONE thing that made my quit finally successful was to tell my doctor I was abusing Adderall and to never prescribe it to me again. Then, there was no going back. You have to make up your mind and you have to just DO IT. Your doctor legally can't tell your parents, it is strictly confidential information and he is not allowed to tell anyone. You can let him know that this a concern of yours, and I'm sure he will assure you that it is strictly confidential. I always made excuses as to why I was afraid to cut off my doctor too. But honestly, it felt SO good when I finally did it. You got this! ;)

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