Adderall still felt like a new thing, then I woke up and realized it had been 5+ years...

[Tamarr22]

It's weird, I didn't realize that I was addicted. I just...knew it was addictive, if that makes sense? I thought "hey, I can quit any time I want". And just knowing that made it easy to quit for a few weeks here and there, a month here and there, but that was when I was just taking breaks. 

When I made the decision to cut the adderall permanently, (mainly cause of the blatant damage that my prefrontal cortex seems to have endured, thus rendering my ability to control impulse completely fractured,) it's been a nightmare of a difference. 

I think about it constantly. I'm worried I even bring it up too much, in conversation. Like an ex that I'm obsessed with. 

Only a month out on this journey now, but I'm worried I'll never be happy. Cause I've realized that the reason I got so hooked in the first place was that I wasn't happy before I ever took that first pill. 

Took it, and boom. Within weeks 6 pack abs. Incredible workouts, handled alcohol like a boss, for the first time IN MY LIFE women were flattered in my presence. 

My jawline looked better. My clothes fit better. I was more aggressive playing sports, which gained me access to the wonderful serotonin release humans are entitled to when their peers respect them. 

It was like that for 4.5 years. Rockstar lifestyle. Then I started to slowly realize I'm in my mid 20's. Can't party forever, and blow the parents money without ever graduating college. All the wonderful times on adderall, but no production. No education. Just living a rich boy's drug dream. 

The hardest part in recovering is the lack of confidence in my physical appearance. It LEADS to me not carrying myself right in conversation. 

My performance in sports used to be virtually the same with or without popping an adderall prior, but again, now that I know I can't ever take it again, it's suffering. 

 

Im so scared of what's to come. What I've become. Almost suicidal. This isn't a cry for help. Just feels good knowing you guys can relate. I'd never harm myself. I wanna get better. 

One may wonder why did I ever stop taking the pill if it worked wonders like that? I'm not sure what happened, but simultaneously as I realized I was living a meaningless party lifestyle, 4.5 years in to the prescription, I started needing more. My 10- 30mg a day wasn't cutting it anymore. I started taking 60. 70. 80!!!!

And the horrible habits followed. 

So I cut it. Flushed them.

Here I am a month later, wondering how brutal this war can get. 

Thanks for listening.

 

[Frank B]

Well can honestly say I’m in the best physical shape 2 yrs plus out than I’ve ever been. Nearly have a six pack first time in my life and almost 40 yrs old. Other aspects of my life have lacked and understand what you mean first time being happy on the pill I actually got it prescribed for depression. Towards the last couple years on addy I was also heavily abusing OxyContin which made me extra happy of course but sure it caused more dopamine damage. It’s been hard I thought by this point be over it for the most part. Just hope and pray 10 yrs from now not still on here complaining I have little motivation, ambition and work ethic outside of the gym. Yes I can work pay bills but use to do more have big dreams follow them. Now it’s like whatever just getting by without any real direction of where I’m going. So anyways on the bright side I’m confident u can get back into top shape. Just take it easy first year don’t push yourself too hard for awhile. Realize one thing we over hype ourselves on adderall we may think everyone is looking up at us but reality maybe completely different. Being off adderall makes you humble and it’s hard to accept. For so long I thought because I worked so hard all the time nonstop everyone was below me. The reality is half the time my efforts were a total waste of time because I never slowed down to think how will this project would actually benefit me in the long run. Good luck stay close to this site honestly say it’s the only reason I’ve been off it so long. 

[SeanW]

Similar story similar age. Not going to lie it has been and is hell for me. Looking back at those first few months god damn it was rough. It's been 9 months now and its definitely gotten better but it's not easy. The shit was fun but it's not sustainable and fucks you up long term so stick it out and hang tough. 

[SeanW]

Looking back what's been so tough for me is my loss of the sense of time like I had no future I fried myself so bad I forgot all my past and life before abuse and now that things are getting better I feel like I have a future and can kinda see and sense it just know things get better and tomorrow is a new day when you're feeling like shit 

[Danquit]

I know exactly what you’re going through because I’ve been there. The first months are brutal because you have zero motivation and you have a ravenous appetite so you’ll gain weight. But know that it gets better with time, a lot of time. In the end all of those wonderful things you think Adderall did for you is a lie. That overconfidence was a lie. There are no shortcuts in life and that’s a lesson I had to learn with Adderall withdrawal. I am 20 months out and I’m running now and I am socializing again in a healthy way. Things are definitely better now so it is worth it. Hang  in there and keep updating us. This group has been a lifesaver for me and many others.

[SleepyStupid]

welcome and congrats on finally kicking this thing to the curb (:   it is awesome that you decided to quit now while you're still young. IMO, the biggest problem with adderalling as a young adult is that it masks all the necessary difficulties and challenges you need to overcome in order to become a functioning adult. managing your finances.. developing work ethic.. planning for the future.. these are all things adderall can distract you from. once you quit, its hard enough to bring yourself back to a state of "normal", but if you never developed the skills to be independent, it will be twice as hard. it will definitely be brutal- it is a fight for your life.. but it does get better!

On 1/27/2018 at 1:27 PM, Tamarr22 said:

The hardest part in recovering is the lack of confidence in my physical appearance. It LEADS to me not carrying myself right in conversation. 

My performance in sports used to be virtually the same with or without popping an adderall prior, but again, now that I know I can't ever take it again, it's suffering. 

yea- this part is tough. everyone misses looking great with no effort.. but as @Frank B  said, it's definitely possible. imagine how much better having a six pack will feel knowing that the effort was ALL YOU?

regarding performance in sports and hobbies, this may sound cliche, but it's probably more important to simply *enjoy* those things right now. if you don't enjoy doing it without meeting your expectations of performance, it's probably not worth doing (at least for now). especially while you're in your early recovery, it really helps to find things you enjoy doing, because they will distract you from thinking about recovery. that could be as simple as reading, watching TV, playing videogames, etc.

 

On 1/27/2018 at 1:27 PM, Tamarr22 said:

One may wonder why did I ever stop taking the pill if it worked wonders like that? I'm not sure what happened, but simultaneously as I realized I was living a meaningless party lifestyle, 4.5 years in to the prescription, I started needing more. My 10- 30mg a day wasn't cutting it anymore. I started taking 60. 70. 80!!!!

no one would ever stop anything if there wasn't a reason to do so lol.  and there's your reason right there: tolerance and dependence. i think there's this crucial point turning point for most people when they realize that simply taking more than prescribed can make the high come back.. for a while. from there it just continues till you realize your finishing your scripts weeks before your supposed to. we all know what that leads to. 

 

 

[Tamarr22]

Wow, I can't thank you guys enough!! I appreciate each one of your insightful replies and I really wish I could express how much it means to have actual communication with other people that understand my suffering! It's a process, and I'm just in the early early stages of climbing a hill. Or, running a hill, when you're like damn, this is actually starting to suck, and there's still a lot more hill to run haha. But this is the first time I've ever been in communication with people about adderall where I didn't just get met with a "it's all in your head, man. Just try not to think about it." 

If only it were that easy. In face, I wonder sometimes, do the prescribing physicians or psychiatrists have any FUCKING CLUE what they're giving us? Jeez. The shit is stronger than they think. And when you tell let's say, a family practice physician, about the adverse effects of the pill, they seem to be almost condescending in their response. 

Family Doctors aren't exactly the type of people that have been on a lot of spring break bingers in their past, so I think they may have a recurring ignorance as far as asking the right questions when a patient may be developing ADDICTION as opposed to what they usually immediately assume as tolerance. 

 

Anyway- much love to you guys- and thanks again. I feel a lot better just knowing there's others out there. And we are all surviving and getting better. 

 

Edit: I'm not blaming anyone. I got myself in to this mess and I'll dig myself out. I do hope, however, that the ever increasing "quick fix" mentality of our Western world hits it's end at some point

[Tom23Jones]

12 minutes ago, Tamarr22 said:

I'm not blaming anyone. I got myself in to this mess and I'll dig myself out. I do hope, however, that the ever increasing "quick fix" mentality of our Western world hits it's end at some point

I hate the "quick fix" mentality of our health care as well.  Doc's are super quick to send people home with scripts for xanax, anti-depressants or stimulants.  You can feel how hurried the whole doctor visit is... there is no thorough diagnosis, its more like you tell them the symptoms of the drugs you want and most likely you leave with it.  Its sickening.

And its even more sickening that 8 and 9 year old kids get prescribed this shit.  Of course they struggle focusing at school and sitting still.  They are fuckin 8 and 9 year old kids who would rather be playing outside.

[SleepyStupid]

1 hour ago, Tom23Jones said:

I hate the "quick fix" mentality of our health care as well.  Doc's are super quick to send people home with scripts for xanax, anti-depressants or stimulants.  You can feel how hurried the whole doctor visit is... there is no thorough diagnosis, its more like you tell them the symptoms of the drugs you want and most likely you leave with it.  Its sickening.

to be fair i think the problem is on both sides. we as patients are also abusing the system too, no? when i got my adderall prescription, it was way too easy, but at the time that's what i wanted it to be. i was scamming the system and i knew it, and appreciated how easy it was.

while doctors are supposed to "do no harm", there is no accurate "test" for adult ADD. so in lieu of that, what are they supposed to do? just assume everyone is a junkie? if they turn you away, you're probably just going to go to their competition. healthcare is a business just like any other.

also, they will never be able to tell when a patient is getting addicted unless the patient wants them to know that. its as simple as that.

it's really a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation for them.

[MindOverMatter]

@sleepystupid you are so right about the masking. I’ve been trying to quit and the hardest part is realizing what it’s like again to be a normal person. I can’t just take a magic pill to get motivated at work. I need to actually try and develop some ways to do that naturally (pomodoro, etc). It’s going better now but wow has it been difficult. But also rewarding, because I’m strengthening my willpower and drive.

[SleepyStupid]

7 hours ago, MindOverMatter said:

It’s going better now but wow has it been difficult. But also rewarding, because I’m strengthening my willpower and drive.

that's awesome to hear! (:  

i guess the best way to put it is that being "normal" means that reward comes after effort.. whereas with adderall it's the exact opposite. the reward is just flooded into your brain, regardless of whether you've put in the effort or not. after a long enough time, you've literally trained yourself to only put in effort if you already feel reward.

 

 

[MindOverMatter]

Exactly! My willpower got so weak I’d take adderall just to do the dishes or clean up around the house. I’d have no drive at all without it.