Too long!

[ashley6]

Hey, I am trying to navigate this site, since it is way different than the last time I was on here! I wanted to check in, since it has been so long since being on here. I have been clean from adderall for many years now, and I give my friends from this site so much credit for helping me through my struggles! So much has changed since the last time I was here. Most importantly, I am a Mom! I have the sweetest little one-year-Old who has brought me more joy than I could ever have imagined.My boyfriend has a ten-year-Old so we have two Children at home. I am a substance abuse counselor, and love my job! I get many reminders of the struggles of addiction through my work. That being said, I have been struggling a little bit lately. After giving birth, I was given pain pills. I starting taking them liberally, not out of necessity. I realized what I was doing, so I trashed them. Move ahead to recently, I had oral surgery. Again, started taking them liberally, not out of necessity. The first time, I was doing this, I did not feel much of an effect. I think it was more the idea of taking pills that I liked. The latter times,  I started liking them. I absolutely know the risks of doing that. I trashed those as well, but it shaken me up a bit, because I remembered what pills did for me....allowed me to disengage from stress. Running has been a major outlet for me for many reasons, and I utilize that often. It can give me that disengaging, meditative feeling that I crave. But addiction does not go away, and I have to choose to continue on the path. I remember how helpful this site was for me for a long time. I should have come back before now, but better late than never, right? For those of you in the early days of quitting, the pain is so worth the gain. I am so grateful to have gotten away from adderall. I just need to continue to utilize the tools I have, especially this site. I hope to hear from my old friends on here....new friends too! 

[Frank B]

I had a buddy got in a motorcycle wreck deer ran out in front of him he was cruising about 60 mph. He was a complete mess bad road rash a broken rib or two etc. He was never addicted to pain pills but has a lot of close friends fell victims to them. Anyways at the hospital he refused morphine and any pain medication stronger than Advil. He simply did not want to risk becoming what his friends became. He is also one tough sob to me that’s some inspiration. Hopefully if I was ever faced with a similar situation I could be that strong to say no. I know saying yes where that will prob take me. Suggest anyone on here to do the same if possible avoid taking pain pills at all cost.

To me pain pills were what give me that lost euphoria feeling in my last couple years taking adderall. It’s very similar and does give a boost of energy also. I recall finally realizing I had one fucked up problem got a couple bottles of liquid codeine from somewhere, taste was aweful but I loved it. I was working in my shop on some big project was drinking Red Bull & vodka drinks , popping adderall downing them with shots of codeine every couple hours for like 48 hrs straight. I’m really amazed I never overdosed pretty sure if I took all that now I’d die. I’m also surprised I never chopped my hand off working with power saws etc with no sleep and hopped up on all that. But doing all that finally realized holy shit wtf have a become? Knew from that point I was either going to quit addy and pain meds or I would die. 

[quit-once]

Hi Ashley!  Great to hear from you.  I'm glad to know your life is going well, and especially that you are now a substance abuse councilor.   Takes one to know one, right?  

It is a good thing you could recognize the potential for a pill train wreck with your recent experiences with the opioids.  I know exactly what you mean by "I think it was more the idea of taking pills that I liked".  In fact, I used various supplement pills and capsules as adderall pill replacements in the first two years or so of my Quit.  I could actually get through a tough day by taking herbal stimulants and slamming red bull.  I still like to slam a red bull now and then.  But the idea of getting relief or just feeling better from a fucking pill is just part of the fabric of modern medicine in America.  As pill addicts, we always need to be conscious of our desire for a quick fix from a pill.

Yesterday, I had a long visit with my best friend, who was also my adderall buddy.  He quit adderall about a year after I did.  But I learned that he wasn't even clean for a year when he discovered meth, and he has been smoking meth daily for about five years.  I let him smoke it my home, but I made him do it in the bathroom.  He offered it to me several times and I finally got pissed and told him I was absolutely fucking done with stimulants and I didn't appreciate him letting me know it was available.  He then admitted he was lonely in his habit.   When I quit adderall, I told my two friends whom I used with that I never wanted to see another pill or ever be offered that shit again.  For the most part, they have respected my request.  So now, my best friend is now unemployed, after getting fired from his teaching job for always being late; and my other addie buddy is now homeless and living in a park.  

I quit adderall almost seven years ago because my future was uncertain, my health was in jeopardy, and because the addiction itself was unsustainable.  No regrets!

[Frank B]

On 3/24/2018 at 10:06 AM, quit-once said:

 

Yesterday, I had a long visit with my best friend, who was also my adderall buddy.  He quit adderall about a year after I did.  But I learned that he wasn't even clean for a year when he discovered meth, and he has been smoking meth daily for about five years.  I let him smoke it my home, but I made him do it in the bathroom.  He offered it to me several times and I finally got pissed and told him I was absolutely fucking done with stimulants and I didn't appreciate him letting me know it was available.  He then admitted he was lonely in his habit.   When I quit adderall, I told my two friends whom I used with that I never wanted to see another pill or ever be offered that shit again.  For the most part, they have respected my request.  So now, my best friend is now unemployed, after getting fired from his teaching job for always being late; and my other addie buddy is now homeless and living in a park.  

 

Are you insane? You let this friend smoke meth in your bathroom? Takes one moment of weakness your ass could get hooked too. You need to cut all ties with that friend just a ticking time bomb for you. 

[SleepyStupid]

On 3/24/2018 at 11:06 AM, quit-once said:

Yesterday, I had a long visit with my best friend, who was also my adderall buddy.  He quit adderall about a year after I did.  But I learned that he wasn't even clean for a year when he discovered meth, and he has been smoking meth daily for about five years.  I let him smoke it my home, but I made him do it in the bathroom.  He offered it to me several times and I finally got pissed and told him I was absolutely fucking done with stimulants and I didn't appreciate him letting me know it was available.  He then admitted he was lonely in his habit.   When I quit adderall, I told my two friends whom I used with that I never wanted to see another pill or ever be offered that shit again.  For the most part, they have respected my request.  So now, my best friend is now unemployed, after getting fired from his teaching job for always being late; and my other addie buddy is now homeless and living in a park.  

while I agree with @Frank B , i definitely understand the difficulty of handling friends. my best friend was also my addy buddy, and unfortunately he went down a much darker path than I- cocaine, booze, gambling etc. he was the kind of friend that you'd get phone calls in the middle of the night from bail bondsman or seedy sounding same-day loan officers. i don't know how much of an enabler this makes me, but when he asked for money or needed something i just couldn't say no. thankfully he lives all the way across the country, so i didn't have too much direct contact with him during my early recovery, but if he was around here it would have been very difficult for me.

that being said, he ended up in in-patient rehab for half a year, and seemingly has his life on track now- no thanks to me though. i wonder sometimes, could i have been "better" friend? instead of enabling it, could i have gotten him help sooner? it sounds like such an easy answer, but it never is with people that close to you.

 

 

[Frank B]

I might have come off a little too judgmental. But in the end must look out for yourself. Try to help mention NA possibly try to get him into rehab. Beyond that you did your part just could not imagine having someone smoking meth in my house. No matter how good of friend people on that shit will lie steal and abuse friendships for personal gain to feed the habit. He would have been better off going back to freaking addy now it’s a new level of fucked. 

[bluemoon]

quit-once, it surprises me that you would associate with someone who smokes meth, let alone let them smoke it in your bathroom! I would totally not be ok with that. Lol

[quit-once]

This person is my best friend, someone I have known since we were 12 years old.  When I quit Adderall, I was determined not to let my Quit ruin any friendships.  I did lose one of the two friends I used with, however.  That relationship was mostly drug-related.  But with my best friend, we have been through life together.  I let him know when I quit adderall that I didn't want to see it or be around it and for the most pare he has respected that. Before Adderall, (pre 2002), I did use meth with various friends, but it was never my drug of choice, and I normally didn't use it with this friend.  In fact, I am still friends with most of the people I got high with in the '90's and most of them have had the good sense to quit, or they died as a result of their addictions.

So why are people appalled that I would allow someone to use meth in my home?  I don't allow smoking cigarettes inside, but that is because it stinks and I don't want the temptation as a former smoker( I am more worried about a relapse on cigs than anything else).  But my friends are also my guests, and I want them to enjoy my company when they visit me and if their behavior includes drinking, smoking, or drugs, so be it,  As long as they don't get too fucked up and out of control.  One time, right after I quit Adderall (within the first year) my friends were visiting and smoking meth in front of me.  I remember thinking maybe I could cop a buzz from the second hand smoke and at that moment I got up and left the room because it was getting too close for comfort.  

Am I an enabler?  I certainly don't encourage my friends to use their substances, and we did discuss the addiction and side affects of stimulant use during our visit.  I still cannot comprehend how he can keep up the lifestyle of a daily stimulant addiction after 15 years, and we talked about that, too.  I admit, I did feel a bit jealous that he has been able to be high each and every day, while I have maintained abstinence. Although my life is somewhat "boring" compared to being high all of the time, it sure beats chasing a habit of a drug that simply quit working for me and was eating at my health.  But I also realize that using stimulants was a phase in my life I will not be returning to, ever again, for any reason. I do feel sorry for my friend's girlfriend, who is unaware of his meth addiction, and they have been together for 15 years.  I really don't want to be part of his daily life and all the drama that addiction entails.  We don't live in the same city. 

I would like to hear the perspective of @ashley6, (congratulations for becoming a councilor, by the way) whose thread we have hijacked with this subject.   And it was also great to hear from you, @bluemoon, I'm glad to hear you are doing well without the stims.

[ashley6]

Thanks for the responses. Interesting conversation on this thread about friends. I know that it can be hard to separate oneself from friends one has used with, and there are two that I am still friends with.....well, one quit before me  and is clean from adderall and the other was my dealer (well, her girlfriend was), and when I quit, oddly she was really supportive of my quit. That being said, I cannot imagine it being in my face like that. In my opinion, it was really disrespectful of your friend to do that (turns out drug addicts are not exactly courteous, though). Thinking back, my friend who had quit adderall pretty recently, when I was still using, was in my carwith me. I took her on a drug run to our dealer’s house (where she had sometimes gotten her pills prior to quitting). I did pretty much what your friend did to you, because our drugs come first. Personally, I do not feel that I could handle that situation of a friend using in my home.....way too close for comfort. I am glad to hear you do not see your friend often, because I think it is a slippery slope. I feel like you are strong in your recovery, but at the end of the day we are addicts, and addiction is not usually logical. I am glad I have tossed the opiates, because it is just not worth the risk. I see what addiction does very frequently to people through my work, and I still was willing to risk what I have worked so hard to build. Pills are a weak spot for me, and I think they always will be. Staying vigilant is huge. 

[quit-once]

Thanks for helping me see that behavior as "disrespectful".  I thought it was inconsiderate and selfish, but I couldn't see disrespectful until you pointed it out;  Especially considering that I have asked him never to offer me speed, many times, since I quit.  I just wrote it off as the behavior of someone who was high.

[ashley6]

Quit-once,

You have been adderall-free for a long time now!! My friend sent me a text message wishing me a happy 6 years recently, and you quit long before me, right??

[quit-once]

Well, Ashley, I would like to publicly wish you a hearty congratulations for six years.  I remember your journey through early recovery very well...the drug dealer encounters, cracked teeth, finishing school, the anxiety issues and related drugs, and relationship struggles.  I think you have found the best possible career now, as a substance abuse councelor.  Also, congratulations on becoming a mother.

I have been adderall-free for almost seven years now.  Fuck speed.  It has no place in my life anymore.  I quit drinking for a month in January (google "dry January" and it was worthwhile.  In fact, Occasional1 (now Be Here Now) put me up to it a few years ago.  It helped my reset my relationship with alcohol.