satisfied with mediocrity?

[SleepyStupid]

i recognize that "mediocrity" is a very subjective and also relative term, but i've been thinking a lot about happiness and what are the things i truly value in life. when i put those thoughts through a lens of brutal honesty, it reveals that i'm okay with not being very ambitious. i have a good, stable job.. it's not a great job though. i definitely could be doing more, making more money, but that all comes with a specific type of effort.. one that seems to come naturally to some people, because they actually enjoy busting their ass and thriving? i just don't seem to have that, and it makes me wonder whether i value success any more?

as another example, when i think about my creative pursuits, the internal conversation goes something like this:

"i don't feel like practicing piano everyday to regain my skill, it seems like a chore. even if i exercise some discipline to get my chops back, so what? i have no ambition to become a performer again, so i'd have to be satisfied with simply doing it for myself. but myself can be satisfied in much easier ways, why bother putting in that effort?"

part of me wonders if maybe those things are only exciting when you're young because it's how you define yourself. sure- you're a student technically, but you identify as an "athlete" or a "musician" or a "writer". but as you grow older, that identity fades. you're no longer a "musician". you're an "accountant" or "computer programmer". i guess what i'm struggling with is convincing myself that reinvesting time into those hobbies would actually improve my quality of life.

to be clear, i'm not unhappy about not enjoying those things anymore- but there's this nagging feeling that i should be unhappy about it. i'm hesitant to attribute this to my past adderall abuse, but i guess it can't be entirely ruled out.

just needed to get this out there, and see if maybe anyone had any nuggets of wisdom to share (:

[SeanW]

Some very good points here.. I was engulfed in guitar and song writing to an obsessive amount that I drove myself crazy over it while on adderall. Now almost a year clean I've written maybe 4 songs in this year and wrote about 60 maybe more while on adderall. I feel very similar to you about music and trying to convince myself to play but like you said before it was a lot of how I identified myself. Just recently started going to an open mic night once a week because I know before adderall I was very passionate about music so I know it's an authentic passion I contribute a lot of my loss of motivation to quitting adderall and feel that one day music will be a big part of my life again further on in recovery maybe not but I hope so. 

[EricP]

Not sure I have any wisdom left... I am approaching my 1yr milestone which I am proud of however I am still uncertain of my progress. Ok, I can make it thru the day without feeling the need for an afternoon nap most days and my anxiety is near gone... 

I have a couple of remaining struggles...

One is if my brain “functioning capacity” in all areas was like an egg, even before adderall I used to think and function at a level of thought trying to break outside my shell. I had dreams, goals, hobbies, friendships and over achieved in most areas I put my mind to. I did have trouble staying on one task or seeing some things to completion like most ADHD types however nothing like this. Now it’s like not only did my yolk shrink but my functioning capacity remains within the yolk and avoid anything additional that may push my thoughts or brain power into the white area/outer limits my brain. Almost like trying to clean the house with a 100lb weight tied to one leg that gets increasingly heavier the more I do... Slow and steady is all I can do now and pushing myself just reduces my quality and capacity.

Hardest part is finding love and passion in just about anything... Praying it comes back.

I did buy concert tickets for September optimistically hoping I will actually enjoy an experience like that by then...

[SleepyStupid]

@SeanW  that's 4 more songs than i wrote after adderall lol. how did you feel about those songs? did they come easily or was it a struggle? i was thinking also to use open mics as a way to force myself to practice again. as in, making a commitment to something, but even getting to the point of feeling confident enough to do an open mic now seems daunting.

its not so much that i don't think i can do it again. i think i'm more than capable. what i'm scared of is trying and realizing that i don't really enjoy it anymore.

@EricP  i understand what you mean. there's an element of "reaching beyond" that just seems to be missing now. i'm curious though how you feel about activities that are naturally enjoyable? after all, most people don't enjoy chores. 

i forgot where i read this, but they defined "thriving" as a combination of 3 things: growth, success and opportunity. i think you could argue that growth begets success, and success begets opportunity. so maybe what we're ultimately feeling is a resistance to growth? i know i am, because there are professional certifications and things that i know would automatically lead to success and opportunity, but i feel like the only thing on my mind at the end of the work day is escaping the real-world for as long as i can until the next morning.

[EricP]

@sleepystupid I am definitely not in a growth frame of mind at all. I think of what I would “like to do eventually” very often however wrapping my mind around that is near impossible. I do near the minimum required to get thru each day, working out is the only “extra” I do. Definitely fighting some depression that is worse on some days than others so with that lurking I am not sure anything truly seeks great. 

Naturally enjoyable things like hiking with my kids I do enjoy however there is still a cloud somewhat hovering around me that is affecting my ability to truly enjoy my kids and the scenery. I love time with my kids however even with them it is like I am  a bit removed watching them and their happiness fulfills my purpose as a parent however a part of who I am and the reward I get from it personally is very distant within me. The days and memories are sadly pretty foggy... 

Another example is racing cars as I used to do a lot of track time. Currently I do not have a track/race car however I have recently gone Go Cart racing. The first time my friends went I was hesitant to even try it, then forced myself and did really enjoy it. I would not say I got the same reward I used to get however had adrenaline rush for sure and found myself going back a few weeks later... 

I sometimes describe it like I am living my life in a glass room with the ability to participate and direct things however there is a barrier in how much of it get to feel and absorb. I truly have to “force myself” to do just about anything fun and of course the chores. The enjoyable stuff once I am “in it” I am glad I made myself do it however the motivation on the front end is lacking. 

Doctors have no clue what to do with me nor do I know either. I am eating healthy, making it to the gym pretty regularly and taking healthy supplements. No significant change with any of my steps however it a long road I must accept. I may try Wellbutrin again beyond that I haven’t a clue what to do.

Depression is real and killing it is very hard. I read a Harvard article about depression and it talked about once you have depression even if you get your brain chemistry exactly perfect on a given day it takes months of maintaining that chemistry for it to really take hold.

Sorry to have somewhat spun off path of your original post... At this point I would do anything to get to a place of consistent mediocrity just living and feel it.

[SeanW]

Yeah very true, my first one I enjoyed then this past week I remember in the middle of playing that I actually wasn't really enjoying it. Those four songs I wrote were on a whim. Every couple months I'd be sitting around and pick up the guitar and one would come out. I feel pretty good about them. Out of all the song I wrote on adderall probably only 10 I really like.