Please Help

[WiredTiredUnhired]

This is not easy to say this but I can't store it inside any longer. At this moment, I want to die. Let's give it a name. How's severe suicidal ideation? I've been taking between 120-150mgs of Adderall IR every day since I received my last refill. I spend all day feeling like a rockstar, behaving like some kind of manic weirdo, spontaneously talking to strangers about nonsense that seems exciting and charismatic through my eyes.  But if people didn't know better, I'm pretty sure they'd think I was some raving lunatic. So I guess I'm lucky I don't meet the physical profile of a homeless drug addict? Anyway, after hours and hours of spinning my wheels, doing a lot without actually getting anything done, I turn to my Xanax prescription because I need to recover from all that time not eating or sleeping. I'll take 8mgs of that at once. That way, when I'm conscious 4 hours later, I can repeat the exact same cycle the following day. Obviously, at such insane quantities and rates of intake pounding two highly addictive, often lethal drugs, I run out fast. Ten to twelve days if I use "responsibly." Naturally, I crash almost immediately. Remember that rockstar with a broken brain telling him he could conquer the world? Well, right now he's hibernating in his messy room, alone and friendless and a joke of a human being. It doesn't feel over-the-top to say people like me don't deserve to live. Even worse, this is not even close to the first time I've been through drug-induced nightmares like the exact same one I've been subjecting myself to for years. I normally characterize the feeling as "hopeless" because invoking the word "suicidal" opens the doors to hospitals and group therapy and 12-step meetings and medications and so on, all of which I've endured firsthand as a patient. More than once, it shames me to say. There are kind people out there who say I'm hardly the biggest fuck-up in the world but I'm only inclined to believe them because how the hell would I know? It's not as if I have an impressive circle of friends or family or people in general. I'm just a nobody who lives for a drug that tricks his brain into feeling less broken. If anything I've described in this post sounds even remotely familiar or relatable, please say hello. I can't take much more of this loneliness. My goal is not to forge lifelong friendships, per se. I just crave company. Will someone out there spare just a little bit of their time to help a stranger feel less worthless? Please. I'm desperate.

[Cheeri0]

Get to a meeting pronto. Be as brutally honest with the people at that meeting as you've been here. I've been in this space before. 

If I'm being honest with myself, I think the two things that really *made* me get sober were the health scares (mild heart attack, mini-stroke, severe dehydration/malnutrition at 23) and isolation. I just couldn't take being on my own every single minute of every single day anymore. There are people in New York who have been through this and will talk to you about it. They go to meetings. I promise.

You have to stop putting drugs in your body. This is killing you. Toss your pills immediately, call your doctor tomorrow and tell them you're abusing them. Have you had enough pain? There's a way out. You can do this. But you have to stop getting high and being frustrated with the results. You're doing the same thing over and over and over and over. Flush them. We're here for you, don't die.

Be honest at a meeting. Surrender. You DO deserve to live. Your brain is lying to you right now with all those feelings of worthlessness. They're 100 percent bullshit. Don't trust your brain right now. Trust the brains of sober people who have been in this place. We love you and you deserve happiness 

[Cheeri0]

Hi I also just wanted to add: you're doing so well by posting here. You're a valuable member of this community, and your posts are already helping people here. I know you feel miserable right now, but you are doing so much better than you feel. You're advocating for yourself and your health and making steps in the right direction. Take at least a few minutes to celebrate your progress. Even if it doesn't feel like you're making any, I promise you that you are. 

[SeanW]

I've been where you are. Stuck in between a multitude of drugs. I was using just as much adderall, tons of klonopin, marijuana constantly, alcohol, and any kind of pain med I could get my hands on. I was in hell, near death and I felt just as hopeless and suicidal as you're feeling. I don't want to sugar coat it but getting out of this mess is not easy. You have to pay the piper, pay your dues and youre way behind just like I was and still am. The first six months I never knew life could be such hell but things slowly got better and even though every now and then I get waves of hopelessness and pain now 18 months clean. When I look back to when I first quit I'm so much better and so far away from all that misery and suffering and it feels great. I hope you can do it too. I know you're strong enough and more than capable. You've been dealing with emotional suffering for so long abusing these drugs I know you're more than capable of making it through recovery. Find a group and find company that understands. That was the biggest help for me. Even though all of me just wanted to sit alone and die, once I finally forced myself to meet with people it really helped. 

We are all here for you and have been through what you're going through. We have compassion and our heart goes out to you. 

I wish you the best, you can do this. 

[Mark S]

I was taking a lot of Adderall like you towards the end. I became chronically anxious with occasional panic attacks. Over time I became increasingly reclusive and withdrawn. Talking to people made me nervous and I made coworkers uncomfortable because they could sense my insecurity. I became increasingly alone ashamed and depressed. 

    I was unraveling I had no choice but to quit. I felt like how you are feeling now. This was 5 months ago. The first couple months I was almost incompacitated with severe anxiety and fear. . It felt like my brain was broken. 

 Fortunately I found this site the 2nd month in and it helped me better understand what I was going through. Even though like you I was at rock bottom, scared depressed and felling defeated by reading the columns it gave me a feeling of hope. 

Currently It does feel like my brain is healing. My last panic attack was 2 months ago. My anxiety is slowly lifting. My depression is easing up. Even though I have a ways to go I do feel I’m headed in the right direction.

 We all been where your at and feel your pain. It seems unbearable. But you are not alone. Many people here are getting though this . It comforts me to know if they can do it you can do it. The suffering is not permanent . Deep down in your heart you know you can do this if your committed. Love you bless you