Another relapse after almost 2 months! - so disappointed with myself

[Socially awkward]

Hi,

I have been lurking around this online forum for the past couple of months and thought it was time I contributed with my own story.

 I currently live in Australia where Adderall is not prescribed, however, I have managed to develop a nasty dependence to Dexamphetamine. 

All this started  2 yrs ago when I landed a new job that required a high degree of academic study, long shifts of 12hrs+ in addition to working both day and night (with the larger part being night work). At this time I was subjected to bullying from a couple of senior colleagues who lead me to believe I was stupid, with one of them suggesting I must have some form of ADD. Fast forward to a month later which saw me leaving the psychiatrists office with a pretty much unlimited supply of  Dexamphetamine and a new diagnosis of ADHD.

Anyways, the first time I took these pills, I felt on top of the world. My confidence soared, my work performance improved drastically to the point of becoming popular with my colleagues and having higher levels of responsibility assigned to me. Not only was I acing it at work, but I discovered when I took this drug to socialise, I became extremely likeable to the point of making loads of new friends with social events on most evenings as everyone seemed to demand my company. This was all despite my ridiculous working hrs (up to 70hrs some weeks) and postgraduate studies on the side. I discovered I only really needed to sleep 1 night out of every 3, I was super productive and all my problems were solved forever (unless the drug wore off and I became super depressed and irritable).

Unfortunately, as the story goes, sadly, this effect did not last. I should have known this, but I refused to consider I could become addicted or one day build up a tolerance. That type of thing only happens to others! (Why do we always think we are somewhat special?)

Roughly 6 months in, the cracks were well and truely starting to appear. I had lost my level of productivity at work where some days I would ace it and othertimes it was almost like I was a vegetable as I was no longer able to rely on 100% consistency from my Dex. People at work started noticing I was scattered and would ask if I was ok? Often I was unable to articulate myself or even string a senstance together when I hadn’t slept for 72hrs. I became so anxious and socially awkward around work colleagues that I stopped communicating, choosing to isolate myself instead. I was happier like this (or so I thought) that way I couldn’t be interrupted from my work. I would even become rude and hostile if a colleague interrupted me in an attempt to socialise and befriend me.

Another thing that has happened over the course of these 2 yrs is that I have lost most of my friends, even my 2 closest friends I have known the majority of my life have stopped socialising and returning my calls. I have always made an effort to go to the gym at least 4 times a week, sadly about 6 months into my addiction, I discovered that on dex I could lift heavier weights and work out for the entire day, everyday and all day! I always had an excuse not to see friends as I did not want to miss a single hr of gym time, some days I even called sick to work so that I could exercise instead.

I had a bad experience at the start of August which made me discover my problem has got out of hand. I had a huge binge on both alcohol (which I rarely drink) and Dex which made me vow never to touch the stuff again. I became super depressed to the point I actually wanted to die and have since started taking sertraline for depression and anxiety. 

Things started to improve mid October, I started a new job which was going fairly well and was starting to feel somewhat less depressed. The one thing that bothered me was the fatigue and rapid gain in weight as I didn’t seem motivated for the gym anymore. Surprisingly I was actually eating less, possibly due to inactivity?

I don’t know what made me do this, but after realising that I was struggling to get into my trousers, I realised I really needed to exercise and get the weight off as I can’t afford a whole new wardrobe. I vowed never to take Dex at this new job however, on my days off it is probably ok to use a little bit just to help motivate me and stop my excessive lethargy. I decided I would just take a little bit of Dex to get me moving again,  Guess you already know where this is heading...

after not being able to sleep and staying up that night, I needed Dex to get me through work the next day. My work performance that day was superb with the Dex, so I figured taking it again the next day wouldn’t hurt either. Anyways, I’m now 3 weeks in and im am back on my ridiculous high doses again. I can’t afford the luxury of having time off work like I did at my last job, in order to detox. I tried a couple of days ago to avoid taking it at work and it was almost like I had brain damage. Luckily I wasn’t sacked as I was completely incapable of performing the most basic task. When I take days off I struggle to operate a toaster, mobile phone or even spell my middle name,. Anyways, the Dex has been going well except for last night I became a bit anxious and scattered around my new colleagues. I know I have to stop it again but I won’t be able to work in the withdrawal stage as I become such a horrible person, feel physically unwell and can’t think straight. I’m anxious about losing my job, although at the same time I don’t want this drug to consume my life anymore. Has anyone got any tips?

sorry for the long essay, thanks for reading, feels better to share with someone as I’ve kept this a secret from everyone up until now. 

[SeanW]

Hey man, I’ve been there and many others have too. This drug is not sustainable. You gotta ween off or quit all together. I know it seems impossible but that’s just our mind playing tricks. We can make it and do enough to survive without it. It’s not easy but it’s what we gotta do. Eventually you’ll be unable to do work even with it and quitting then will be a lot worse. You have to get sleep and eat. Sleeping one of every three days is not good for the mind or body. We’re here to support you. Any other questions just ask. 

[DrewK15]

Hi there. I can relate to a lot of what you are going through. The wardrobe of clothes not fitting, the depression and wanting to die, and stress of trying to hold down a job while quitting are all things I went through as well. If you keep on taking high doses to get through work and be productive, eventually your performance will suffer, regardless of how much you continue to take. It might be tomorrow or a few years from now, but the drug will stop working for you altogether. 

 

If you absolutely must work, stepping down your dose slowly is probably your only option. 

 

I had to go cold turkey to quit successfully. There was no way I could hold down employment. I lost my job, went to rehab, and moved in with my mom and step dad. It hasn’t been pretty or easy, but I am 7 months clean and improving. 

 

[SeanW]

I dropped out of school, lost my job, went to rehab and moved back with my dad. It’s what I had to do or I was going to die. 

[Socially awkward]

Thanks so much for your replies. I think you guys are so amazing the fact that you managed to quit and stay sober. You sound like you went through tough times worse than I am experiencing which I find very inspirational and I honestly do not know how you found the willpower to not use again like I have gone and done. I wish I didn’t hate the person I become when I am not using amphetamines. I agree they helped me temporarily, maybe for the first couple of months but now when I don’t take them I function at a level even lower than my baseline was before I ever discovered Dexamphetamine existed. 

I cant quit my job, it’s the one thing in my life right now that keeps me going as I actually love what I do for work. I think I would become more depressed if I quit work in addition to Dexamphetamine at the same time. I know when I quit Dexamphetamine again my life is going to suck massively and I am probably going to be horrible to everyone and lack the intellectual capacity to perform even the most basic tasks. It will have to be soon though as my medication will run out again and my new psychiatrist has a pretty good idea I’m addicted and is unlikely to refill my script. My regular psychiatrist has lost his registration which is probably a blessing in disguise for me really as I can’t get unlimited Vyvanse and IR Dex anymore, so hopefully I won’t be able to feed my addiction to the extent of one day overdosing. I am surprised I have survived this long not sleeping yet still being able to function without becomeing psychotic. My luck will run out soon I am sure. I am going to have to try to sort some days off work until the worst has passed and start over again. Just wondering, how may times did you guys try to quit before succeeding? 

Thanks for your help 

 

[Socially awkward]

Just curious also if you don’t mind sharing, how much were you taking when you were worried about dying? I have used 70mg Vyvanse and 65mg IR Dex today which is pretty low for me. My resting pulse rate is 75 on average. I remember it used to sit in the 120s in the early days on relatively small doses. I’m worried about the fact that my pulse is no longer affected that I may have caused some sort of long term damage?

[SeanW]

I tried to quit prolly 15 to 20 times before I did. Towards the end I was using between 150 and 200 mg adderal ir. I’m sure you’ve done some damage but whether or not it’s permanent I don’t know. There’s room for healing when you quit. 

[DrewK15]

Worries about long-term damage to your body make no sense as a justification to keep using, if anything it’s a reason to quit. I know because I did the same thing. As far as dosing, counting mgs can be deceiving. What sounds like a huge dose now, won’t at some point in the future of an active addiction. That’s how tolerance works. I took my therapeutic dose for a year before I started abusing, and within a few years I was taking 4-5x what I was prescribed daily.

 

When I was concerned about dying there were many health factors. Amphetamines make me willing to harm my body in ways I otherwise do not. The last year I was drinking myself to sleep every night, consuming very high doses of nicotine and caffeine, and pretty much only eating junk food. All of that combined was causing my physical and mental health to deteriorate very quickly. 

[Socially awkward]

I guess I just need to forget this relapse and get back to this 2 months of soberity. I’m lucky in my 3 weeks nothing bad has happened and I haven’t publicly humiliated myself yet. I don’t want to progress back to the stage whereby I am so anxious I can’t look people in the eye or talk to my work colleges. At my last job people could sense my awkwardness and it made them feel uncomfortable so they avoided me like the plague. I have the chance to start over again so I don’t want to f*** it up this time.

i can relate to unhealthy habits. I used to think I was so good for living at the gym 24/7 until staff at the gym started approaching me saying they were worried as I seemed to be overdoing it and pushing myself too hard. They suggested I was addicted to exercise and should cut back my hrs. I ended up joining 2 more gyms and going to all 3 so I could hide the number of hrs I was training at the one place. I’d spend a few hrs then go on to the next and the next etc. that’s is probably just as bad as popping pills really. I’ve stopped doing this now in the past 3 months. Over-exercising has probably damaged my cardiovascular system and metabolism also. Plus I’ve started taking antihistamines and Pregabalin to fall asleep at night which is probably messing me up in more ways then one.

ive skipped the pills with my morning coffee today, here’s to day 1 

[SleepyStupid]

it took me 4 or 5 serious (more than 30 days clean) attempts to finally stay quit.  at the end of my 6 year addiction i was taking anywhere from 100 - 200 mgs a day, though it was hard to calculate as the binge would last 92 hours or so without sleep. my eyes were constantly red, i had blood caked in my nostrils, i would sweat profusely no matter the temperature, my heart rate was out of control, my limbs would go numb, my joints and muscles ached, my hygiene was non-existent.. Adderall was killing me.

On 11/23/2018 at 1:08 AM, Socially awkward said:

Unfortunately, as the story goes, sadly, this effect did not last. I should have known this, but I refused to consider I could become addicted or one day build up a tolerance. That type of thing only happens to others! (Why do we always think we are somewhat special?)

early on in my addiction, i used to joke about all the horror stories people posted, about taking hundreds of mgs and barely functioning. lol i used to think "man, i'd be the fucking president of the universe if i were taking that much Adderall. these people are all noobs!"   during the honeymoon phase, its almost impossible to imagine actually popping a pill and feeling worse than normal.

 

congratulations on 2 months!! these past couple of weeks don't erase the strong work you've done to get to 60 days, but they will reset the acute withdrawal effects for a couple of weeks, but at least you know what you expect now for the first month or so. being at a new job during this time is going to be tough. just keep your head down, deliver only what is ABSOLUTELY necessary and try to take some breaks during the day to just walk around. you'll be back at 2 months in no time (:

 

[Socially awkward]

Thanks for your support. I’m having the worst time with this. I am still having to take my pills at work in order to function to some degree but having cut back I still feel unmotivated and tired when I am there but trying not to let it show. 

I’m no longer using on my days off and all I do is sleep. I was supposed to go to my work Xmas party today and I slept for 16hrs solid and missed it. I feel bad as don’t want to appear antisocial but it’s probably a good thing as I am so angry and depressed I’d probably make a bad impression. I have had the past 3 days off work and haven’t used but haven’t left the house either. I know I should do some form of exercise but I can’t, I’m not even motivated enough to eat or watch TV. I am going to drag myself out of bed and do a yin yoga class tonight as it doesn’t require any energy and maybe get a massage. I am back at work tomorrow and not sure if I can get through my 12hr shift without taking this stupid drug. 

[growingupistheworst]

Hey! Thanks for being so honest and sharing your struggles. I took my last 3 vyvanse this morning and my psychiatrist, therapist and boyfriend know everything so hopefully the jig is up. This is my second time quitting for real and I feel confident that I can do it because I was off for 3 years. I need to get off this shit because my life is so small right now. I totally identify with being socially awkward at work and not wanting to engage with people. I isolate a lot, even when I'm around people I retreat into my head. I'd love to know how you're doing now if you still check this post!

[Lorettavaw]

I understand what you are speaking of . . . the social fashion show is so unsettling for me. Some days I find myself a little withdrawn and looking in at everyone and wondering how God might see everything that is going on. It can bring tears to my eyes just to think about it. I must make every effort not to conform but continue to be transformed and live my life differently than the status quo.

grace and peace,
minister72