Schizophrenic/bipolar amphetamine addict. 2 days sober. Need to survive this.

[Clavicula]

Hi! I am two days sober. I had two intense cravings today, but I got through it simply by waiting. I don't even try to fight it and say: no, I won't use amphetamine, I simply wait fifteen minutes and see if I still want to use it. By then the cravings have completely passed.

Some background about me. I am eighteen years old. I was diagnosed with schizophrenia and bipolar disorder (schizoaffective, bipolar type) when I was a freshman in high school and had a psychotic break. In sophomore year of high school I started stealing my brother's ADHD pills. I didn't even get high at first. I would take a pill, and then literally take a nap. But I started to become sensitized to the pills and extremely addicted to them. I would use them every day, multiple times a day. I was also recently prescribed an antidepressant and already having my first manic episode, so the amphetamine just made it much, much worse. I had a very very bad, traumatic, manic break a couple of weeks after stopping the Adderall pills along with all of my antipsychotic medication and my antidepressant. I'm talking, running down the street naked at one AM, covered in blood screaming at people about UFOs while cutting myself. I was tackled by the police, handcuffed to the gurney in the ambulance, and forcibly injected with tranquilizers then hospitalized. I have been on involuntary psychiatric holds probably about twenty or more times throughout my life, I have lost count. Since being diagnosed when I was fourteen, I haven't gone more than a couple months without some sort of psychiatric intervention. At first this was because I was delusional and refused to take my meds, and later it was because of suicidal thoughts and two attempts once I gained insight into how I was sick and how shitty my life was, and also because of the mood swings associated with my amphetamine addiction.

My most recent hospitalization was a week ago, when I stuck my head in the oven like Sylvia Plath to kill myself because I was going through amphetamine withdrawal. Withdrawals have become dangerous for me in the past due to suicidal thoughts. I have two suicide attempts, the other was in April 2018 when I was withdrawing from kratom and Adderall and overdosed on a sedative and a bottle of liquor and locked myself in the bathroom and passed out. They had to pump my stomach.

For me, the amphetamine abuse and the mental illness go hand in hand. Mania feels almost exactly like Adderall, and Adderall feels almost exactly like mania. When I am manic I want to take drugs to increase the feeling, and when I take drugs I just become more manic. I know for a fact that the two very simple things I have to do to stay out of the hospital, which I have not quite figured out how to do even after all these years, is SIMPLY:

1. Take my medication.

2. Stop taking drugs.

I have got the medication down, I am compliant, but I have not figured out how to stop taking stimulant drugs. Recently, in the past year, my use has not been Adderall but an even stronger stimulant you can buy in a nasal spray I will not name over the counter at any pharmacy. This has been troublesome, because going to pick up my meds has been a trigger. I am two days sober. I relapsed on Thursday morning after three days sober. I have been to two AA meetings, and plan to go to the Dual Recovery meeting on Monday. I know now that I have to change, but damn it it's fucking hard!

The withdrawals seriously suck. I didn't realize, since I only used every OTHER day, that I would experience withdrawals, but I guess after years of consistent use that I would. I relapsed on Thursday because I couldn't stand the depression and fatigue. This time, I got some supplements which have been helping me massively with energy levels during the withdrawals. I want to quit kratom when I move in two weeks, but I learned that it is too much to quit both Adderall and kratom at once right now. My kratom use is not extreme and I don't expect much withdrawals. I plan to get through these two weeks before I move to another state, and hopefully attend meetings as much as possible. The kratom will go eventually, but it's not the most major problem I have. I would just like to not be dependent on anything, even a mild herb.

What has been working for me in terms of coping with cravings is simply praying the rosary whenever I experience a craving. The craving passes after I pray it. I am a very religious person and want to become an Episcopal priest after I learn to manage my mental illness and addiction better. I have actually been doing better with my mental illness. The psychosis is mostly gone, the mania is under control, I'm just still learning how to cope with depression occasionally. I know depression will be really bad in the first month.

I have been having really bad nightmares and also really wonderful, pleasant vivid dreams at once. Any tips on anything? Thanks for reading.

[SeanW]

I’m diagnosed schizoaffective with bipolar traits. I’ve had severe psychotic breaks. Been to partial inpatient rehab for four months. I learned the hard way. Cut the stimulants and take your anti psychotic. My brain and dillusions many times told me to stop my meds to take more adderall, etc. it’s a really hard situation to be in because what we believe to be true makes us do things that are bad for us. Like stopping all our meds only to have a psychotic break months later and our life falls apart.. eat, sleep, and take your meds.. out dillusions fuck us up big time. It’s hard to portray what we go through but in the midst of all the chaos we have to eat, sleep, and take your anti psychotic.. in time all the crazy ness will be clear to see and you’ll be like holy shit wtf was I thinking. 

[Mark S]

Hi Clavicula. Welcome to the forums. I admirer your courage.It sounds like these next two weeks before your move are going to be critical. Stop the stimulants stop kratom and adderall. It doesn’t sound like your taking a lot of adderall if you don’t have a prescription and your taking your brothers. I would quit both at once. I’m sure they counteract the medication you take for schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. But you know this because you said it yourself ,take my meds stop taking drugs. Deal with the depression, fatigue and any other withdrawal symptoms while your still at home were your supported by a healthcare system that knows you well . Tell your family your plans and be honest with them. You can’t have access to your brothers adderall.

 Fall back on your faith that Dr Jesus will be by you. Pray the rosary. And your guardian angel watch over you. I prayed when I withdrew and it helped a lot. The pain and suffering we all go through doesn’t seem fair but in a strange way it gives your life more meaning and builds strength to overcome adversity . 

Lastly is moving now something you need to do.Moving now while  dealing with recent mental health issues, suicide idealization and withdraw symptoms seems too stressful to manage all at once. Get your psychosis and depression under control first so you have the confidence to move out successfully. Will pray for you that God gives you wisdom and strength 

[Clavicula]

Moving now won't be too stressful because I am moving in with my dad, his girlfriend, and my grandad in a really peaceful part of the country. I won't really have any responsibilities until summer when I'll take school, unless I choose to get a job. To clarify, my brother does not get ADHD medication anymore because he abused them too and got addicted to intraveinous heroin and meth. He's sober now. In the recent past, I would buy Adderall from people at my college and steal those vapor inhalers from Walgreens.

 

Thanks for the advice everyone. I'm thinking of writing a letter to my Walgreens informing them of the abusive potential of these drugs to completely cut myself off and hopefully protect others.

[SleepyStupid]

hi @Clavicula

Adderall addiction is hard enough, but it sounds like you've had a rough time with a lot of things - i'm sorry to hear about your challenges with mental illness. it sounds like moving in with your Dad should have a positive effect in the near future - so take advantage of the support system and get yourself off speed!!! 

On 2/23/2019 at 10:08 PM, Clavicula said:

Recently, in the past year, my use has not been Adderall but an even stronger stimulant you can buy in a nasal spray I will not name over the counter at any pharmacy.

I'm thinking of writing a letter to my Walgreens informing them of the abusive potential of these drugs to completely cut myself off and hopefully protect others.

be very careful with that stuff. i'm quite familiar with it, and while the high may be similar to amphetamine, it is a much dirtier chemical and puts more strain on your systems.

while i'm not sure that Walgreens will take your letter to heart (as they've selling it for decades) you should write it anyway! as a way to formalize your understanding of  and commitment to how dangerous it is (: