New day, same results.

[Frank B]

1 hour ago, oswhid said:

@DrewK15  I see that what I wrote came out wrong.  Even though it came out wrong I just get so upset (not mad) when I feel that someone may have unrealistic expectations and use that as a reason to relapse.  My hate for this drug has no limit and I think it got the best of me today.  My husband is doing really well but he does not like to talk about it much.   I think I just needed a release today and seeing Frank waver brought up the suppressed terror I have of my husband relapsing though there has not been any signs.

I wouldn’t say I have unrealistic expectations but I do hold myself to certain standards and know my efforts have been overall very poor. I think many people who took this were like me had high motavtions before adderall and simply used it to amplify what was already available. To go from that high of pure nonstop work ethic to being like a lazy teenager who just has no ambition in life is a hard pill to swallow. I don’t want to be a slave to a pill  again on edge all the time have a skyrocket heart rate. But I do want the ability to focus more, have more ambition to build my buisness further and look at other possibilities like investments properties etc. I guess to a normal person I’m doing fine paying all my current bills staying in very good physical shape. But to me that’s not enough always wanted more guess I just need to hope with more time I can still gain momentum to get more done in life.

 FYI if your husband ever does open up to you about wanting to possibly use again do not come at him like you did me it could backfire.

[SeanW]

Man it’s daunting to think of life being this way till the day I die. People are so quick to call someone a coward for committing suicide like they weren’t strong. They think everyone experiences life and pain the same. The pain we feel and go through could be something those people have no clue about. They can only imagine. I’ll fight till the day I die because I’m not giving up. 

[SleepyStupid]

12 hours ago, Danquit said:

I don’t know if you have access but I got some cannabis and it’s been helping me to relax and not be so depressed. It’s not addictive at all because I can take it or leave it. It definitely doesn’t motivate you but it does change your perspective on life.

i wish i could use cannabis like this, but those vape pens just make smoking every night so easy. i also wish i was one of those people that gets inspired or energetic from it, but frankly it just numbs me. if i'm in a particularly bad state of mind, it can depress the fuck out of me.

 

[William]

@Frank B I agree that many of us that took Adderall were motivated to start with, and the drug helped us push even harder. I’m self employed too and I haven’t been doing much of anything but just getting by. I’ve spent my life in construction but I’ve never really elevated my business.  Adderall makes its user way to self reliant. With endless energy I was constantly taking on parts of the job I should have subed out for $10/hr. Instead I was killing myself doing mindless demo work. I’ve been trying to find ways to give up some of the control in the work I do. I think as tradesman we sometimes get so hung up on perfection and “doing the job right” that we can’t see the larger picture. That being as a single individual you can’t do the volume of work that’s required for more then just an average income. We wind up beat up and burned out. Which is when the thought of an Adderall boost is so enticing. The math of a one man band just doesn’t add up. And that reality for those of us in the trades, especially as we get close to 50, is depressing and demoralizing. So maybe it’s time to take on an eager apprentice? I’ve hired plenty of guys over the years but it’s never lasted more then a couple years. But I’ve seen guys take on young kids out of high school and really grow their business. Maybe that’s a possible avenue for you. HVAC is a trade that keeps growing. I wish I would have got involved in that instead of carpentry all those years ago. 

[DrewK15]

@William I relate to so much of what you describe. I struggled immensely in a leadership position while on Adderall. Mostly due to an inability to delegate effectively, and an inability to convey my overly complicated train of thought. 

Have you found yourself to be more effective work wise after Adderall once you had some sobriety under your belt? Just wondering. 

[William]

@DrewK15 I wouldn’t say I’ve improved a lot in being more effective at work in the last 3 years off Adderall.  However, not obsessing on every little detail has helped things somewhat. I spent a few years in a leadership position with a large company involved in maintenance and repair when on Adderall. It’s ironic, but I did a great job delegating and getting projects done. But I completely missed the boat when it came to building relationships with other “supervisors” and keeping in touch with what my boss thought was a priority. I was always into the details of everything but never stepped back to get the necessary perspective of the larger picture. Just a speed freak in my office basically. And if I was on the job I was so into the details I never just made conversation with others. Looking back I can’t imagine what people thought of me. 

[Frank B]

On 3/8/2019 at 7:47 AM, sleepystupid said:

i wish i could use cannabis like this, but those vape pens just make smoking every night so easy. i also wish i was one of those people that gets inspired or energetic from it, but frankly it just numbs me. if i'm in a particularly bad state of mind, it can depress the fuck out of me.

 

Yeah pot just makes me lazy but also gives me anxiety paranoid especially shit these days it’s like everyone has to smoke the most powerful shit on the planet. Noticed even Joe Rogan lately has concerns with how powerful weed is getting these days. I use CBD oil sometimes for depression it helps some but it’s expensive and you build a tolerance quickly. 

[Frank B]

23 hours ago, William said:

@Frank B I agree that many of us that took Adderall were motivated to start with, and the drug helped us push even harder. I’m self employed too and I haven’t been doing much of anything but just getting by. I’ve spent my life in construction but I’ve never really elevated my business.  Adderall makes its user way to self reliant. With endless energy I was constantly taking on parts of the job I should have subed out for $10/hr. Instead I was killing myself doing mindless demo work. I’ve been trying to find ways to give up some of the control in the work I do. I think as tradesman we sometimes get so hung up on perfection and “doing the job right” that we can’t see the larger picture. That being as a single individual you can’t do the volume of work that’s required for more then just an average income. We wind up beat up and burned out. Which is when the thought of an Adderall boost is so enticing. The math of a one man band just doesn’t add up. And that reality for those of us in the trades, especially as we get close to 50, is depressing and demoralizing. So maybe it’s time to take on an eager apprentice? I’ve hired plenty of guys over the years but it’s never lasted more then a couple years. But I’ve seen guys take on young kids out of high school and really grow their business. Maybe that’s a possible avenue for you. HVAC is a trade that keeps growing. I wish I would have got involved in that instead of carpentry all those years ago. 

Yeah it’s been a thought only problem is hiring someone who can be reliable is not cheap and you’d have to guarantee certain amount of hours so actually makes more work hustling to get more jobs. In the summer I do normally hire a helping hand but only thing they can do is carry tools help move heavy things. I’ve been keeping off looking at a long term plan but hitting 40 this year made me realize shit I’m getting old can’t do this forever and I have no retirement plan and not enough capital to sell my buisness for much at all. I could still possibly go to work for a union and have some retirement but I know I’d work all the time and prob hate my life. 

[Socially awkward]

@William that’s pretty much summed up what my past 2 working yrs has been like  I’ve certainly become for efficient and receive daily feedback on my commendable work performance, however, I no longer socialise and lack the ability to build relationships in the workplace. I hope I can regain what I’ve lost 

[Frank B]

Just update have been feeling better last couple days do think the Wellbutrin has started to kick in and is helping now. Ideally I would not be on any medication but at least knowing this is a med I can get off of easily helps. Although this drug has few side effects will say I do get light headed easily recall last time I was on it this happened. 

[Kiki]

Happy to hear you're feeling better, Frank. I didn't read the entire thread but I know I can relate in feeling lack of motivation, and its been almost two years for me.

Some days are good, some days are bad, but overall much better than the adderall days. Remember like others have said, spring is coming and that always seems to help for me at least.  

Please don't go back on adderall, you've come so far! Stay strong!!