almost 9 weeks clean- drowning in depression

[dolssa]

Hi. 

I can't sleep because I drank an iced coffee at 8pm so I'd thought I would give a little update. I am coming up on 9 weeks clean and I'm feeling a mix of things. My biggest battle is depression. I have never suffered from this heavy of depression before taking adderall, but now i am completely drowning in it. thankful for this site because I know I am not alone in feeling this. It is so crazy because we have only one body, but now its like two people in my head at war. the hopeful sober me and the addict me. I had a ton of laundry today and still haven't unpacked from a trip because i literally cant get out of bed most days. my addict mind is arguing with my sober mind saying how easy it would be to just find a few and take some. the sober me is getting better at winning this war or else id never make it to 9 weeks. Being able to recognize this voice in my head as the addict and not having my best intentions at heart helps. its a though battle to win everyday because while i'm hopeful I fucking miss it. I miss enjoying cleaning, and having my space clean, I miss being able to get out of bed, I miss having energy to do the things i love, I hate this feeling of social withdrawal and of ZERO motivation. fuck this is hard you guys!!!!!! i wish i could hug all of you. I am staying strong and hopeful that my depression lightens soon. It really has too. 

Side note: since quitting I have been more connected to my body. My intuition feels stronger and I feel more clear headed making decisions. also the racing of the mind has been tremendously better. Lastly, kind of a weird thing, right at the beginning i asked the universe for a sign that this is what I had to do and I was making the right decision in quitting, sure enough I started looking at the clock at 11:11 almost every single day since quitting. sometimes twice a day. I like to believe that this was my sign for me that I am on the right track and not to give up. 

sending love to all 

xx

[m34]

I know it is tough! You are not alone. Sending you some love today. You can get through this part.

its a long journey.  I still battle that addict voice that wants a script. The voice does get quieter the longer you stay clean! Hang in there. You got this! 

[kayblacks]

Wow @dolssa you and I are in the exact same place. My depression got so bad that I had to go back to my psychiatrist and get on an anti depressant (wellbutrin). I was so hellbent on never taking a pill again but the depression was absolutely so painful. I have been on it for about a month, I think it is working a bit.

 

Another thing too, my intuition is SO spot on. I ALWAYS catch 11:11 these days too, I recently accidentally ended up with these "ask angel" cards and have had so many signs to "ask my angels". like yesterday, I saw the word CHERUB 4 different times. LIKE WHAT??? It really is amazing.

 

With all of the synchronicities it is enough to keep me clean. I am pretty spiritual as is and I know intuitively that my soul needs to be off adderall 

[dolssa]

@kayblacks

 wow! i feel the exact same way. signs from the universe are real and should not be ignored. I still am seeing 11:11 and 1:11 almost every day since quitting. crazy how those signs are just enough to convince me to stay sober when the cravings are calling. so good to have someone also get this!

glad to hear wellbutrin is helping a little for you.. that is probably in my future as well.

[SleepyStupid]

while i don't necessarily share the spirituality, anything that adds value to life and recovery process is awesome!

that being said, i'm an advocate of Wellbutrin - just be careful of the dosage. normal adult dosage is ~300mg a day, but most people find that too stimulating and can cause anxiety. i'd start out at half that in SR form, try it for a month and see if it helps. (: