Switching social circles after recovery??

[dolssa]

I don't know about you guys but adderall made me feel content being alone. Like i did not have close personal relationships except with my pill bottle. I have fully isolated myself during this recovery because as you all know the depression all to well, i do not have any brain power to keep my socializing up. As i am starting to have some energy some days I am starting to think about the friends i could rekindle with.....the problem being they are all adderall takers as well.. living that high speed life that I just can't maintain anymore. I am going to have to rethink every single relationship i had because I am now seeing they were based off us both being crackheads. how the hell do you meet people these days???? Did you have to switch social circles after getting sober?? I feel like i am in a different place than anyone I know. I live in LA & everyone is on something i swear. I guess I am just going to have to start by putting myself out there and hope I attract the right kind of people... gonna be hard without my little pill of courage.

[dolssa]

I guess the good news is that I am actually craving human connection something that I didnt really need or care or as long as I had adderall

[DelaneyJuliette]

Man I relate to this sooooo much.  And you know what's funny...  somehow I haven't linked my weight gain to stopping adderall!  wtf?!  LOL.  I cannot believe I didn't connect those two.  I used to be bulimic and adderall is what got me to stop binging (like 15 years ago) and I've recovered from my eating disorder since then (I had 8 years sober before) but i literally didn't connect those 2 this time.  (I'm on day 9 lol!)  Oh well...  what I know is that I'd rather have my body than be dead and not have one at all.  How is it going with the friend thing?  The first time I got sober I was in AA so I made new friends in there... this time I'm married with 4 kids so that keeps me busy... and I have some friends from work who are also therapists so I can turn there...  I do feel like I don't know how to meet new people sober though -- bc it seems like everyone i meet is on something.  

[LuLamb]

I’ve been thinking about this topic a lot lately. Last night I went to a social gathering of female friends that are mostly former coworkers. It is good for me to socialize, but it is so different to be around this group now that I’m off of Adderall. I’m re-learning who I am with them. My friendship with one of these women has really changed for me. She is actually the person who introduced me to Adderall when we used to work together. We used to have a lot of fun colluding and amping each other up while on Adderall. Now I find her hard to take. She dominates conversations and talks louder and louder and makes everything about herself. Its shocking how different the dynamic feels. Two weeks ago I went to LA to visit my oldest friend. He has been off Adderall for a bit longer than me and he has stopped drinking. I felt like I could be myself around him and that was so nice. I’ve been getting closer to friends that don’t use and being more selective about who I spend time with as well as how I spend my time. I’m also trying to put myself out there in small, easy ways that matter to me. Might sound silly, but one example of this is practicing being friendly with people in my workout classes. Even if it’s just smiling and saying, “Hi!” rather than keeping to myself. Making opportunities to engage in positive ways. 

[m34]

I have this same issue. Think there are two parts finding ourself and having to face who we may have been on Adderall. Last night went to an event (I was also sober) with some of my old “party” friends. it’s hard to be around the same people. I still had fun. I’m just different now. I had a friend there who also quit Adderall, she seems to be the only one I connect with for obvious reasons.  also, seeing everyone hyped up,drunk and addy,d  up is both triggering and sobering the same time. I don’t want to be that way ever again. 

 

I love waking up with no hangover and be the real me. That’s something worth hanging on for...even if I’m tired. Lol wish we could hang out!

[dolssa]

@m34 Yeah totally agree. who i was on adderall is not the real me. its a hard realization and hard to mourn that person because it wasn't always negative things. that is good that you were able to get out and be in the scene sober. i cant even go to my friends instagram pages who i know take it cuz i get jealous!! lol

since we are outgrowing our addictions it only makes sense we outgrow those friends as well. I'm realizing that anyone who takes adderall can not be a friend to me. its to hard to be around. 

 

[SleepyStupid]

18 hours ago, dolssa said:

since we are outgrowing our addictions it only makes sense we outgrow those friends as well. I'm realizing that anyone who takes adderall can not be a friend to me. its to hard to be around. 

i used to think this way as well. it was important for me to distinguish that it's more about ME being unable to control my temptation than them being adderally. in the early stages of recovery it was mostly about this and also a sense of inferiority.

fast forward a year or so into my recovery, that feeling changed to that of pity and a bit of superiority (though i'd never say anything lol). we here all know that adderall doesn't last forever. it eventually stops working or your life will become a mess (whichever comes first). i started to view these friends through that lens - they simply have no idea what's coming for them. i have already gone through the rite of passage so to speak.

so i guess what i'm saying is that we don't necessarily need to outgrow our friends, but once you're mentally ready yourself, we simply wait for them to catch up. (: 

[LuLamb]

One of my closest friend relatively recently got on Concerta. How she acts on it is noticeably different than how she was without it (more assertive, more talkative), but she seems to take it as prescribed (and sometimes forgets her PM dosage, and doesn't take it on the weekends--can u imagine, lol?) and how she acts on it doesn't "offend" me.  For me, there is a big and noticeable difference between her and the people I know who are abusing it. 

[DelaneyJuliette]

OH my denial of how i can take it as prescribed and it not over-run my life...  is it denial?  is it truth?  who's to say?  Me, when I'm fucked once again in the end?  UGH.

[SleepyStupid]

On 3/10/2020 at 10:55 PM, DelaneyJuliette said:

OH my denial of how i can take it as prescribed and it not over-run my life...  is it denial?  is it truth?  who's to say?  Me, when I'm fucked once again in the end?  UGH.

there's an even greater level of denial in that statement - taking it as prescribed isn't even that much better than abusing it! there are plenty of folks here who have taken it as prescribed for years and years. it's still a mega problem.

the idea that taking it as prescribed is the ideal situation is perhaps the thing you should focus on changing. deep down you still feel like Adderall could be a good thing. but let's face it - Adderall is just speed.

[LuLamb]

13 hours ago, sleepystupid said:

there's an even greater level of denial in that statement - taking it as prescribed isn't even that much better than abusing it! there are plenty of folks here who have taken it as prescribed for years and years. it's still a mega problem.

the idea that taking it as prescribed is the ideal situation is perhaps the thing you should focus on changing. deep down you still feel like Adderall could be a good thing. but let's face it - Adderall is just speed.

It's a good point. It also makes me realize how much I still SHAME myself for having gotten hooked; for having gotten strung-out; for having to go through detox, withdrawal, recovery...for how it soiled my life in so many ways....

[Adderall OG]

Same. For so many years I thought it was because I was weak. But now I’m finally realizing the drug is designed to make you its prisoner. 

[DelaneyJuliette]

On 3/12/2020 at 9:19 AM, sleepystupid said:

there's an even greater level of denial in that statement - taking it as prescribed isn't even that much better than abusing it! there are plenty of folks here who have taken it as prescribed for years and years. it's still a mega problem.

the idea that taking it as prescribed is the ideal situation is perhaps the thing you should focus on changing. deep down you still feel like Adderall could be a good thing. but let's face it - Adderall is just speed.

So help me out here.  I'm being serious.  Well partly.  So what if it is just speed?  And what if taking that speed makes my qualify of life so much better?  Wouldnt i benefit from taking it?  (I can see the faulty logic but  i cand stop it.

[SleepyStupid]

7 hours ago, DelaneyJuliette said:

And what if taking that speed makes my qualify of life so much better?  Wouldnt i benefit from taking it?

fair point - but consider that no one would stop taking Adderall if it was all benefit. you wouldn't even be here if it was all up and no down, correct?

Adderall improves it's OWN quality of life - not yours. you only enjoy that perceived quality of life when you're on it. what's the point if that QoL doesn't transfer over to the real you?

this is the core existential crisis of the drug - eventually you feel like you're living someone else's life.

[DelaneyJuliette]

3 hours ago, sleepystupid said:

fair point - but consider that no one would stop taking Adderall if it was all benefit. you wouldn't even be here if it was all up and no down, correct?

Adderall improves it's OWN quality of life - not yours. you only enjoy that perceived quality of life when you're on it. what's the point if that QoL doesn't transfer over to the real you?

this is the core existential crisis of the drug - eventually you feel like you're living someone else's life.

True.  And I keep trying to convince myself that I won't abuse it.  That it will be like it was in the beginning when it made everything magically better.  But... if I am rigourously honest with myself I have not once in 20 years been able to do that.  I tell myself that I can b/c I had a period of about 5 years where I did not abuse it.  But.  Not only do I work with people with addiction, I have lived it.  And if I look at the reality, me saying that is no different than the alcoholic going a year dry so they can "prove" they're not an alcoholic.  Who cares about labels.  The truth is, I have had, and have ALWAYS had, a problematic realtionship with substances.  And adderall is just one of them.  The most insidious, cunning, baffeling and powerful one, for me.  I want freedom.  I want my life back.  I am committed to doing this.  I am going to taper (I know that is against most people's advice but I am following the guidelines in the homepage of this forum and doing it with my therapist and if it doesn't work this time, I won't try it again) but I believe I can do it with all of the accountability I have put around me.  I will get my life back.  You said something I always say to people who ask me the same thing -- one patient I work with asks why she can't use drugs as the answer.  I tell her that it's b/c of tolerance.  You will always end up needing more and then you will always end up in this spiral downward that has happened to you so. many. times.  That is true for me with adderall.  I trick myself into thinking that it isn't b/c so many people "safely" use alcohol and this shit doesn't happen to them.  But who am I kidding?  So many people "safely" use alcohol too.  So I do get it.  This is not the life I choose anymore. 

[SleepyStupid]

20 hours ago, DelaneyJuliette said:

The truth is, I have had, and have ALWAYS had, a problematic realtionship with substances.  And adderall is just one of them.  The most insidious, cunning, baffeling and powerful one, for me.

yes, totally this. i've spent my entire life self-medicating one way or another, but nothing ever became a SERIOUS problem until Adderall. people generally have a very different kind of drug relationship with stimulants, but especially Adderall. it's cause unlike most other drugs which you take to "just get high", Adderall is taken for the purpose of self-improvement and productivity. it initially feels more like a tool than a drug, which is a very dangerous place to start from.

[LuLamb]

It’s a good point. And I concur: I’ve had some kind of compulsive behavior/addiction most of my life as well. Most of my life it was food. Compulsive overeating, then dieting and exercise. Then it switched to smoking and drinking and pot and then Adderall came on the scene and it was a game-changer.

[DelaneyJuliette]

On 4/23/2020 at 9:31 AM, sleepystupid said:

yes, totally this. i've spent my entire life self-medicating one way or another, but nothing ever became a SERIOUS problem until Adderall. people generally have a very different kind of drug relationship with stimulants, but especially Adderall. it's cause unlike most other drugs which you take to "just get high", Adderall is taken for the purpose of self-improvement and productivity. it initially feels more like a tool than a drug, which is a very dangerous place to start from.

This.