When will I feel again?

[KAnn]

Hey everyone, I've been looking at this forum for a couple of months now just for general info and reassurance purposes. I stopped taking my prescription of (5mg IR 2x daily) on August the 7th after having some anxious and depressive episodes and thinking the medication in general just wasn't working anymore. I stopped cold turkey. I have taken it for almost six years and took it as prescribed for the most part. There for the last couple of years I was starting to run out of my prescription early or taking 3 a day instead of the prescribed 2 pills. I know it's not a high dose but non the less it was becoming a problem and I was fully dependent. I never in a million years thought that withdrawal would be the nightmare that I have been living the past 12 weeks. I've been severely panicked, had obsessive thoughts that continuously loop, had dark intrusive thoughts, intrusive suicidal thoughts, thoughts that I wasn't real, fear, paranoia. Just all things bad in general, things you never thought the human mind could be capable of thinking let alone someone like me. I'm an optimist, happy, empathetic, compassionate. Now I feel nothing. I know just from reading your stories here that things will get better, but I feel so utterly defeated. I have three beautiful kids, an amazing fiance, and I feel so completely detached and emotionally numb towards them and it's absolutely killing me. I hate myself honestly, and don't know who I am anymore or who I was before this. My memory sucks, and quite honestly I feel like i'm going insane. I look in the mirror and don't recognize the person looking back at me and feel detached from myself. I've been talking to a psychologist for the past few weeks once a week and that helps momentarily until the negative intrusive thoughts come flooding back in. She assures me that what I'm going through is temporary and I'm in recovery and my brain is healing and me stopping cold turkey like I did kind of just put my brain into shock and depleted my serotonin. I'm getting married next October and could care less about it. I feel like an empty shell of a human being and this is not at all who I am. My therapist referred me to a psychiatrist who wanted to start me on Zoloft, needless to say I took it once and woke up that night with the most severe panic attack and what I could only described as the kind of nightmare you see in a horror film, for real thought something was after me, shaking, sweating, couldn't talk. It was horrific and obviously I'm scared to do take it again, just not worth it. 

I've lost all hope in myself and hope that things will get better, depression has hit pretty hard and I need things to turn around or I feel like I won't make it through this. Any tips or just encouraging words would so incredible. 

[speedracer]

Thank you for sharing your story.  It helps us all to hear from you. I am sorry you are suffering so much. You got 12 weeks after 6 years of low dosage and yet your brain seems to be reacting terribly to the quit.  The more posts I see like this, the more it seems the dosage is not as significant as the length of time using. Your brain needs time to heal and I constantly tell myself it might take two years to get to a baseline of recovery. This drug really is scary because after using it for long periods of time, we all end up depleted and depressed. After 14 months, my wife convinced me to talk to a doctor about depression. I was reluctant becuase I thought it was just part of the recovery. But i started on Wellbutrin about 5 weeks ago and I do feel better. My mojo is low today, but the week before was great and I got lots done. You obviously had a terrible reaction to the Zoloft. Maybe ask your doctor about Wellbutrin? It seems to be the most effective medication as far as this forum goes. And understand the waves of PAWS during the first couple of years. Track your days with a journel. 

At 12 weeks, you are well on your way! You will get throught this. You are passing through. It is temporary.  Acceptance is key. Accept your feelings, your moods, your depression as where your supposed to be. Let your family know it will take some time. For all intents and purposes, your on disability. You are healing. You should be at least 50% better by the time you get married. Maybe even 100%. Diet and exercise are critical. Dont eat bad mood foods. 

[KAnn]

20 minutes ago, speedracer said:

Thank you for sharing your story.  It helps us all to hear from you. I am sorry you are suffering so much. You got 12 weeks after 6 years of low dosage and yet your brain seems to be reacting terribly to the quit.  The more posts I see like this, the more it seems the dosage is not as significant as the length of time using. Your brain needs time to heal and I constantly tell myself it might take two years to get to a baseline of recovery. This drug really is scary because after using it for long periods of time, we all end up depleted and depressed. After 14 months, my wife convinced me to talk to a doctor about depression. I was reluctant becuase I thought it was just part of the recovery. But i started on Wellbutrin about 5 weeks ago and I do feel better. My mojo is low today, but the week before was great and I got lots done. You obviously had a terrible reaction to the Zoloft. Maybe ask your doctor about Wellbutrin? It seems to be the most effective medication as far as this forum goes. And understand the waves of PAWS during the first couple of years. Track your days with a journel. 

At 12 weeks, you are well on your way! You will get throught this. You are passing through. It is temporary.  Acceptance is key. Accept your feelings, your moods, your depression as where your supposed to be. Let your family know it will take some time. For all intents and purposes, your on disability. You are healing. You should be at least 50% better by the time you get married. Maybe even 100%. Diet and exercise are critical. Dont eat bad mood foods. 

Thank you so much for that. It helps to know I am not alone in this. Patience is definitely key to this recovery and I have to give myself some grace I guess. I do know I don't ever want to see adderall again, I had no idea this was on the other side of quitting. Again thank you for your kind words and encouragement it means a lot!!

[EricP]

When will I feel again? - Wow this is a great question. I can tell you I have had a really hard time with this since quitting Adderall. It seems like Adderall messes up our reward system so badly that we are to the point that without it we are desensitized. And with it we are just flooded with reward (when its working). I have been sober for 3yrs now and can still feel a slight disconnection from "feeling" the way I used to. Sadness is easier than joy and it at times can really take a lot to feel happy. It will get better for you especially after the 12-18mo mark. We are all different in our healing so you may recover faster or better than I did, but I can say I still have a bit of diminished connection in this area. I can say reducing stress, obligations and staying around positive people helps a lot. 

[KAnn]

On 10/23/2020 at 1:45 PM, EricP said:

When will I feel again? - Wow this is a great question. I can tell you I have had a really hard time with this since quitting Adderall. It seems like Adderall messes up our reward system so badly that we are to the point that without it we are desensitized. And with it we are just flooded with reward (when its working). I have been sober for 3yrs now and can still feel a slight disconnection from "feeling" the way I used to. Sadness is easier than joy and it at times can really take a lot to feel happy. It will get better for you especially after the 12-18mo mark. We are all different in our healing so you may recover faster or better than I did, but I can say I still have a bit of diminished connection in this area. I can say reducing stress, obligations and staying around positive people helps a lot. 

Thank you for your reply, I completely agree. I still felt all the normal emotions while on it, but that feeling of being happy no matter what came my way made me feel like I was super mom. Like no worries my meds can handle this for me and I’ll get shit done. I now see that it’s okay to not feel like you have it all together because that’s life and things happen. I know the sun will shine again even though right now I can’t see past tomorrow. Hopefully I’m on the road to a better me. 

[SleepyStupid]

14 hours ago, tjzen said:

I have been on Adderall for 5 years and tried to quit multiple times but can't seem to kick it permanently.

I haven't had one in about 10 days. Side effects include; vivid nightmares, a feeling like pulling my hair and scream and have mostly been in bed with the exception of walks with my puppy. The level of anxiety is so real its like trying to drive on the highway with low visibility. 

Can't really remember what happiness feels like and maybe if I can quit my serotonin levels will level out or something.

hang in there @tjzen ! the first couple of weeks will be brutal, but that acute anxiety will subside. you're still in for quite a ride after that, but just focus on one day at a time right now until you feel a bit more leveled out.

when you feel ready, I encourage you to share your full story and we can help you plan out the next phases of your recovery. (:

[EricP]

5 hours ago, Maximusncn said:

Where is admin?
I'ts important.
Thanks.

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