I'm in need of a reality check.

[ashley6]

Hi everyone. I had my last pill on March 30 (it was actually 3 vyvanse, because that's all I could get my hands on), but it's all the same. I feel so proud and surprised at the lengths I've gone to stay off the evil pills, no matter how difficult it's been. Today is a VERY hard day. I'm reminiscing about the good times with adderall, but I'm trying to get those thoughts out of my head, because I logically know it's my addiction lying to me. They ruined five years of my life. I need you guys to slap some sense into me and remind me that this battle is worth it, pleaseeee!

[quit-once]

Your attempt to not dwell on the pleasant adderall memories is a good start, and that can be very difficult. However, there is nothing wrong with remembering how fun taking adderall USED to be. The key is putting it all in past tense, and simply saying to yourself "but, damnit, I can't DO THAT any more" when those thoughts arise. Have you ever lost anything, Ashley? Has somebody dear to you ever died? Did you graduate from high school? Have you ever moved into a new place even though you liked where you were living before? These are all permamant changes in your life without the option of a do-over. Treat your adderall addiction the same way. Grieve the loss of your pill habbit - go ahead, cry out loud with long sobs. Until you acknowledge the loss of all things good and bad about adderall, you will be struggling to put that horrible addiction behind you.

[Kathleen]

Ashley,

It's the demon in your head wanting to be fed. It makes excuses to you. It lies to you. I never thought I'd personify addiction..but addiction truly is an evil demon.

Sometimes I wish I could reach out more than a response---like as in reaching out my hand or giving a hug when days like these hit. I completely relate to what you are feeling...but know:: You have been clean and are strong! EVERYONE who has once been addicted have thoughts..but you're only remembering the "FUN" part of Adderall.

When I think about how much I "got done", how thin I was and how FREAKING FUN it was to party all night long on about 4 20 MGs a night...I then remember the sad-terrible aspects and repercussions I experienced..almost led me to killing myself. Dry mouth, psychosis, late nights, no sleep, OCD thoughts, black eyes, endless cigarettes...and that typically makes it quite clear: Adderall addiction fucking sucks.

Quit Once is on T about thinking about old memories but putting into perspective that is exactly what they are:: old memories.

YOU HAVE CONTINUED TO LIVE A HEALTHY, CLEAN, ADDERALL FREE LIFE for almost 2 months. You've made an amazing change and life choice. Adderall, for those who have been addicted and chose to feed the demon of addiction.. their outcome is grim.I have been clean for over 35 days now and I understand when days get like that...just just know::Girl, you got this. If you ever want to talk--message me:)

[ashley6]

Kathleen,

Your response was much needed. I responded to your post a little bit ago on the other forum, and then realized you had responded to mine here.

I've experienced all of those awful fucking repercussions...every.single.one. I can't let myself forget them, so thank you for the reminder. The next time I think about missing adderall, I'll replace adderall with what it entailed. I miss being psychotic. I miss having suicidal thoughts. I miss looking emaciated. I miss not being able to laugh. I miss having to look in the mirror before I saw anyone to decide if my pupils were too dilated, and if I needed eye drops because they were also bloodshot. I miss constantly being uncomfortable in my own skin and paranoid of those around me that would notice. I think that puts it into some perspective....no thanks.

I'll most likely be messaging you soon.

35 days is great! You, too, can do this....thanks, girl!

[Cassie]

Suppressing thoughts doesn't work for most people. If anything, trying to suppress or change your thoughts causes you to think about the thing you're trying not to think about even more. After being frustrated thinking about Adderall constantly for months, I instead decided to think about Adderall even more obsessively whenever those thoughts arose until my brain finally got bored thinking about it. I literally made my brain get sick of the subject. I'm about six months clean now and haven't thought about Adderall in two weeks. You should read the book 'The Conquest of Happiness' by Bertrand Russell. He had some cool insights about this subject.

[ashley6]

Cassie,

I got the book "The Conquest of Happiness." I packed it up for reading on vacation this week....thanks for the suggestion.

[Greg]

Cassie I downloaded "Bertrand Russell's The Conquest of Happiness" on my kindle and it turned out to be totally the wrong thing. It was one guys interpretation of The Conquest of Happiness..and it took excerpts from it and compared it to bizarre modern day examples! I don't recommend that one. But thanks for the suggestion. Maybe Ill find the real book in the bookstore.

[Cassie]

Bummer! I hate it when things like that happen. You can easily find it in the library - it's really old, lol.

I also recommend Gordon Livingston's books, "Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart" and "And Never Stop Dancing". He's a psychiatrist who writes these essays about human nature that are just so spot-on. I re-read his books all the time. He's also a frequent contributor to Psychology Today.

[Leroy Brown]

I also recommend Gordon Livingston's books, "Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart" and "And Never Stop Dancing". He's a psychiatrist who writes these essays about human nature that are just so spot-on. I re-read his books all the time. He's also a frequent contributor to Psychology Today.

I had heard of those books long ago and never got to them - thanks for the reminder!

[Freedom's Wings]

Ashley,

I just wanna say as a newbie to this site and quitting process, just keep persevering, you can do it and we are all rooting for you!! You were the first to respond to my cries a few days ago when I first signed on to this site, and just as you reminded me, here I am to remind you, it's worth it! and even more than that you're worth it!

You're In my Prayers,

F.WIngs

P.S. I picked up that supplement you recommended. Thanks.

[ashley6]

FW,

I appreciate your encouragement. It as much needed as the past couple days have been a little rough. I've never been good with change, and I'm visiting my family out-of-town, and it's been like a whirlwind of emotions. I'm so happy I'm doing this without the pills, but it doesn't mean it's easy. I guess after 5 years of not truly feeling my emotions, it's inevitable that things will feel overwhelming sometimes. How have you been feeling? It really can be a roller coaster sometimes, but we both know that the only way it can get better is to ride it out...hang in there! We're here for you.

[Freedom's Wings]

Greetings Ashley,

I completely understand, more than I would or could ever wish to. Adderall is a beautiful, ugly, evil drug. It is soooo hard to "get real" again after life on adderall, especially with the amount of time we spent on it. still, I have confidence that we will fully overcome. stick it out!! You can do it!!This indeed is the fight of our lives, for our lives. I get extreme social anxiety, and even more so when I have to be around people I know or that know me well, don't know what that is all about but, family is most definitely a high trigger point. I am actually happy,not in the true sense of course, but to see that I am not the only one who weirds out in these types of situations- post adderall.

My initial thinking was...I must be losing it or have lost it already, I've known most of these people my entire life!! But that's what adderall does to you. You forget who you are, were, and everything else that ever made sense for that matter. Friends and family become strangers, because we've lost ourselves. What is the expressing of emotions now at a family get-together but some anxious/awkward moment?? It really does suck major. Does anyone in you're family know what you are going through? or has anyone said or noticed anything different about you?? Do you find fear expecting that they might?? I've told my mom finally,and although we've never had a peachy keen relationship, it did relieve some of the embarrassment, though it initially caused embarrassment to tell her. I'm glad that I actually did. I don't talk about it with her, but I'm glad she knows. I am extremely proud of you for going at it sober, that is so major.

Although, I've only been clean a short while, I actually went to the last few family events sober...I guess testing the un-spiked waters.-Not the greatest experiences to say the least- but, I'm sure it was more or all a me thing for that matter- pure anxiety poured through me, but, I pulled it off and will continue to go at it sober until I again remember; Hey,these are my family members and they love me.That's all that ever made sense before, give or take the normal family squabble. And there's no reason for that not to make sense now.

How am I?? hmmm...Recovery is so fickle!!! I can't wait to recover from recovery as I heard someone say on here; It's kind of like the post recovery stage. You're still recovering but, no longer hyper-focused on trying to recover.

That's how I'm doing. I'm up/ I'm down...Ready to have my life back, but I can't cause all I have the brain power to do is focus on recovery and not relapsing. It's draining, and a little over a month sober, I'm already over the process. Nonetheless, knowing it's a process I persevere. Lol, that's all I got for the moment. Well...that, this site, people like you and faith, which is better than having nothing, as I did in the grips of my addiction, when all that mattered was popping another pill and faking it. Anyhow, I'll keep you posted. Take care, til next time. Keep me posted and Let me know how it goes with the family.

Peace be with you,

F.Wings

[Greg]

Family events for me were really, really awkward...EVERYONE in my family knew about my problem.Talk about being a black sheep. So when I was high on adderall and had to go family functions, everyone always talked to me like someone who was high on adderall. And when I was off of adderall..everyone talked to me like I was someone recovering from adderall. I think things are getting back to normal. I can only imagine how angry, frustrated and upset they were.

I dont blame them, if I was talking to an alcoholic who was totally drunk and was worried about them it would be hard for me to talk to them like they were sober. I always tried to hide it, but I would literally be bouncing off the walls hyper and it was always really hard to contain it. Just one more reason this stuff is horrible..

[ashley6]

FW and InRecovery,

It's so amazing to me how similar adderall addiction is for us. I think family is probably a tough spot for any addict, but with adderall it's a functioning addict (sort of) trying to be normal versus someone who is way too strung out to give a shit.

The trip actually got much better, and I left feeling so happy that I did it for 10 days sober. My family does know about it. It is something that is not discussed unless I bring it up, because they're aware that it's a sensitive subject for me, and I'm very appreciative of that. I don't have to tell my family whether I'm clean or not, because it's a night and day difference in my personality. They've made many comments about how healthy and happy I seem. It's so interesting to me that no matter how hard of a struggle being clean can be sometimes, I seem to them so much happier than I ever seemed when I was using.

I'm so grateful you both responded to me and helped me realize it is a normal part of recovery.

FW,

I know it's really tough the first month. It's still tough the third month, but things start looking up, and it's a great feeling...hang in there. You can do it.

[Greg]

I think it's amazing how similar adderall addiction is for us. I also think its amazing how similar adderall addicts are.

In the past when I've gone to NA meetings, sometimes I can't understand what would drive them to do drugs or alcohol, perhaps to escape at first. dont get me wrong, I find adderall addicts and addicts in general to be extremely similar in many ways. Especially in that our common sense is vulnerable to going out the window, especially in early recovery. But here, it's like it seems adderall addicts tended to be drawn to adderall because of specific things like unrealistic high expectations of themselves/societys expectations on themselves. It's like a drug that seems to draw in people with a cluster set of traits..Like Mike mentions in his article. Which is really intersting.

Perhaps recognizing and dealing with some of these that Mike mentions like 'approval addiction' and 'insecurity' are an important part of dealing with addiction.I dont know... food for thought...

[ashley6]

I know what article you're talking about. I've read it many times and find it to be so true. We, adderall addicts, seem to have good intentions when starting the medication. It's acceptable/right because the doctor said so, right? I haven't touched anything besides pot in my life, and I hate it. I agree that insecurity and approval addiction are a huge part of the issue. It's weird, though, because since I've been clean I'm so much more assertive and don't care about what others think nearly as much as before....probably has something to do with not feeling paranoid and delusional about life altogether.

You always offer so much insight and are very wise....thanks for helping me think through things much more rationally. It's much appreciated!.