PD5 Posted June 2, 2022 Report Share Posted June 2, 2022 Hey everybody, Very thankful for this site! I’m 27 and I’ve been abusing adderall for the last 4 years. I’m prescribed 30mg and was taking an average of 70-120 mg a day about 5 days a week for 3 out of those 4. Although I was pretty productive during that time, I started to notice that I was having a harder and harder time making decisions. I now feel like I can’t trust my mind anymore because all thoughts are equal and equally vague. I used to be a highly opinionated person with a strong sense of personal morality and very specific tastes, but now I find I have no conviction or real opinions about anything. I quit for a month at the end of last year, then resumed my usage at about 70mg/day for another couple months. I quit for 3 weeks in March, then went back on for 4 days at around 20mg/day. I quit for good after that and it’s been about 3 weeks. Since then, my overall state has been the worst it’s ever been in my life. All I do is walk around my apartment from room to room, fidgeting with some pillows on my couch, and then getting into bed and reading these forums. My mind is looping with thoughts of regret, playing over the last 4 years and ruminating on what I’ve lost because of Adderall. This is literally on my mind constantly, from the moment I wake up until the moment I go to bed. I have extreme anhedonia and constant anxiety and a feeling of hopelessness. I’m also having lots of trouble sleeping; I’ll typically fall asleep around 2am and wake up at 7, and once I wake up the rumination begins and I can’t fall back to sleep. I used to have a great sense of humor and would laugh and joke around constantly, but I feel like I haven’t had a real laugh or an authentic smile in months. My appetite is also almost completely non-existent. It really feels like I have no soul. The strange thing is that I didn’t feel this bad during the previous quitting periods. This current attempt at quitting after going back on for that short period of 4 days has been far worse. Prior to this time, I had never seriously read about adderall addiction or about the neurotoxic effects of adderall abuse. Since I started researching, it has completely consumed my mind. I’m wondering if I will ever get back my sense of humor, my ability to feel connection with others and feel pleasure, and my creativity will ever return. Getting some of my intelligence back would be nice too. It feels as though my entire personality has been irreversibly altered. Reading this post back to myself, it looks very similar to many other posts I’ve read on this site, so I know I’m not alone in my experience. If anyone has any insight, I would love to hear. Thank you to anyone who reads this! 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GeorgiaRigby Posted June 3, 2022 Report Share Posted June 3, 2022 Hey PD5!! I'm here and I am so glad you came on here to tell us your story , even just the parts that seemed relevant during the time you took to type things out... I am 29 and right now as nauseous as I've felt (feeling this way every day for years for atleast an hour or so a day) but today it's been BAD. Like I can't swallow well bad. Like my head is as heavy as I've ever felt it and my actual brain feels dizzy... and I just took .5 mg of alprazolam to calm down. I'm so glad to have found your post. I have been taking adderall for what feels and I think might be 12 ish years.... I take 70-120+ mg a day and have been for so long. I count how many pills I have untill my next fill every day, sometimes a few times a day. I also am prescribed up to 1.5mg or alprazolam a day (I used to not even think of it or take a tiny little piece, but I have gotten into the habit of taking .5mg during day and maybe another at night. If I'm really feeling scared about how worried and sad I feel, I'll take the whole pill with a glass of wine and maybe a bowl of weed ready. All of this is so silent and so underpinning. Nobody knows what doing and how im abusing drugs to get through my life right now: my boyfriend and maybe my best friend... but also the people on this site ... @DelaneyJulietteespecially has brought so much value to my life, reminding me that my perspective can shift and I can feel good about myself. I know what you mean about not feeling a genuine laugh or smile. I have been saying this for so long, I don't remember what it feels like to have a big belly laugh. I don't have the discipline to not try to feel something better every five seconds. I feel like my soul is going to die eventually, even though I still want SO much out of life... I'm not okay. Good for you for taking this time and getting off of it, even if for short spurts. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dolssa Posted June 6, 2022 Report Share Posted June 6, 2022 On 6/2/2022 at 10:01 AM, PD5 said: I’m wondering if I will ever get back my sense of humor, my ability to feel connection with others and feel pleasure, and my creativity will ever return. Getting some of my intelligence back would be nice too. It feels as though my entire personality has been irreversibly altered. Hi- just wanted to let you know i went though the exact same thing. I abused adderall for 8 years. i quit cold turkey for all of 2020 (the only plus of the pandemic was it took away the social pressure for me to finally quit). I experienced all things you mentioned here. I did get my personality back after 9 months. it was a long time coming. I ended up relapsing after a year and a half just to feel more productive and again i sacrificed my personality, opinions, mind. i would do anything to go back and not relapse. I think the key after being on this site is just TIME. this process takes forever and then some but your brain WILLL bounce back it just needs time to get there. you are not alone. i am back at day 1. ready to do this. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post NurseAddy Posted June 8, 2022 Popular Post Report Share Posted June 8, 2022 One thing I would recommend that I did not do while regaining my sobriety, is to find either an addiction counselor or join an AA/NA group therapy. I felt dead inside for a good year and I still struggle with many things. Some days I wonder if I’ll be 100% again, but I know sure as shit on Adderall that I’d be ruining even more of me. What I didn’t know when I left Adderall, is that sobriety and healing are two separate issues that deserve help. I was sober, but I had no idea I needed to heal and learn how to continue my sobriety. I was recently educated that an addict’s choice center of the brain is broken and that is what fuels the desire to continually take more of something that knowingly could kill you. Learning that was so relieving, because I honestly thought my dumbass just chose pills over life. But because I have a broken choice center, if I’m not prepared, give me enough time and I will 1000% only remember the good in Adderall and seek out more thinking it will be different, as always…. My therapist’s words, “you have to protect yourself from you.” The last couple of months I have begun to slip, and that was because I didn’t learn how to prepare for long term sobriety. It is predictable that there will be cravings, triggers and times where relapse seems like the best idea. I’m just now learning that I have to heal both physically (sobriety) and mentally (education/understanding/preparing). You’re doing fantastic by simply reaching out to this forum. It was truly a godsend for me and still is. If you have the means, do yourself a favor and find someone or a group that is able to support and help you understand the why and prepare you for the when. We deserve long term sobriety and an understanding that we didn’t choose to be an addict. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PD5 Posted June 17, 2022 Author Report Share Posted June 17, 2022 Thank you all for your replies and the encouragement. Although I’m new in my quit, the amount of damage caused by this abuse that has become evident in this last month compels me to strongly urge those of you still using to quit as soon as possible. @NurseAddy I appreciate that perspective. I don’t think sobriety will really be an issue for me as I have absolutely no desire to take the devil pills ever again, but I will be very focused on healing. I would like to start on some sort of therapy soon if I can find a way to afford it, or find a free group. It’s been a little over a month now and I believe my symptoms have gotten worse. My overall mental state seems to be declining with each day, although this may be a product of the constant rumination, insomnia, and general lack of activity (although those may be a product of my poor mental state lol). In general, I feel sort of brain dead. I have nothing to say to others, and can sort of fake my way through conversations by mirroring/repeating the words of the other person or by making stupid jokes that even I don’t find funny. I just feel a general slowness. I’m guessing this is the brain fog that others on here have referred to, but I am really wondering if I’ve become an idiot or permanently compromised by brain’s abilities to make me function as a person. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NurseAddy Posted June 25, 2022 Report Share Posted June 25, 2022 @PD5 I too had no desire to take the devil pills at the beginning, but I’ve learned I have to protect myself from me because those pills were an escape for me, even if it meant killing myself in the process. I hope the cravings never find you again, but I would still prepare for the worst while hoping for the best. Addiction can be sneaky at best and it only took a coworker to mention the word ‘Adderall’ to get my cogs turning again. That being said, most of the things I dreaded never returning (ie happiness/feelings/emotions) did return. But, I have some lingering speech problems I fear are here to stay. I used to be so eloquent when I spoke, and now I’m often tongue tied which has been an adjustment. Still, to feel ANYTHING again without the pill, has been relieving. So, look forward to when most, if not all of you returns back to normal. Look forward to learning you again! Best wishes. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PD5 Posted June 26, 2022 Author Report Share Posted June 26, 2022 @NurseAddy very sorry to hear about the speech problems, and I hope that they resolve soon. Youre obviously very effective at formulating and communicating your thoughts in written form! How long did it take for the feelings to return for you? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NurseAddy Posted July 6, 2022 Report Share Posted July 6, 2022 @PD5 roughly the 6 month mark. Still deal with some anhedonia and apathy but for the most part, enjoying being alive returned rather quickly for me. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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