Fucked up, took my pills today.

[Cody]

I'm in the quitting process myself, a month and a half in. I can tell you for a FACT that I personally had to get rid of every last pill because I know how much I still "love" the stuff..even if it destroys me. I do not see how in the world anyone who has been on this stuff for a while can have it lying around the house and NOT be tempted to take it (i know there are some of you like that and it's fine). I just know that even when i'm a lot further into this...just 1 pill could STILL catapult me back into the addiction cycle.

[Heather67]

I agree 100% Cody based on only my own experience ..I really try to keep an open mind on the everyone else front. If I had pills...I'd take them. Period. They are what I'm trying to remove from my life,therfore ,including them.is always. Counterproductive. And Ashley for sure it could have been any of us...I just thought it'd be my luck.that"just one more time"would be the last time. When its I'n control,we all know it'll do whatever the fuck it wants to.

[Searchingsoul9]

Searchingsoul9,

My question to you is, do you WANT to quit or are you more just thinking you should quit? There's a huge difference, and without the desire to decide the negatives outweigh the positives of adderall, I personally don't believe any detox or treatment center will be of assistance.

When I say want, I'm saying are you truly are willing to go through what it takes despite your fear of living without it? Want makes it sound fun and like it's all peachy. It's the gift of desperation that I finally reached, and it's still been the hardest thing of my life (maybe my life hasn't been hard enough). Just some things to think about. Having that many pills on me, it would've never worked for me. I still work on it a day a time, and that's all I can do, but life becoming real again has been awesome.

Good point. I guess i haven't really put my health first for my entire life. I never think about the future, just the now. Feeling good now is all i seem to think about. So, yes i WANT desperately to quit. But that strong desire comes and goes week to week. I know i NEED to quit. My mom knows it too. I went to the doctors today about my discolored fingers. Apparently my blood pressure was perfect, very surprised. Good pulse. But i go back for blood work soon to see if i have primary or secondary reynauds. But, they told me getting off the adderall and cigs would help a ton. Which is incentive if anything to quit. I don't want ugly blue fingers forever. Superficial? Probably. It's sad that the only things that are keeping me from quitting are weight and the one thing that makes me want to quit is ugly hands. Just how my fucked up mind works.They recommended welbutrin for me to help with my eating disorder, and possibly with quitting cigs. I just need to find the other 20% of myself that wants to quit. I am 80% committed, but when it comes down to it i don't care enough about my health right now. Either way i will be forced to quit soon. My moms already decided that for me. I know quitting is an everyday battle and i can't just give up. I wasn't expecting it to be easy. It's just fucking hard. And people are my job are coked up all the time, which triggers me even more. If i could just fix my food issues i KNOW i could quit. The only reason i ever go back is because i feel fat

[Searchingsoul9]

Or death. A good friend of mine found his sons roommate dead in his bed late this afternoon. Overdose,appears adderall and perc 30's. They think his heart gave out. He was 23 years old.

Wow, i'm sorry to hear that<3

[Searchingsoul9]

tommorrow's a new day -- flush the pills, make a plan and forge ahead. Your posts show the rational part of you that wants to quit, unfortunately once the drug enters your system your rational brain is hijacked. I speak from personal experience. Something that helps me a lot is to reading 8 Stages of Amphetamine Use/Abuse in "Announcements" - reading it repeatedly. xo

Thank you so much. You're right on about the rational/irrational brain. I am so negative and "Fuck the world!" when i am on addies, or they're in my system. Off of them, i am still a slightly pessimistic girl by nature, but not nearly as doom and gloom lol, i'll read that. Thanks again<3

[Searchingsoul9]

Searchingsoul9

Hi I hate to be a kill joy butt I know you would have relapse I new it by raiding your post you said you have 3 mounts of stash how the hell are going to stop using adderal. Like I said before you are not 100% committed into stopping adderall you are not ready you are a Yong girl with to meany issues in your life ED anxiety adderall addiction alcohol .Its like an alcoholic trying to stop drinking but he has a case of scotch in his home how the hell are you going to stop using adderall with 3 mounts of stash in your posesen its not possible you need to hit rock bottom before you stop using hit rock bottom yes its the only way you will get healthy im so afraid to say I jest hope you will not have any permanent damage to your organs when you do hit the bottom so please don’t give me any more of your bull shit baby girl you are not ready for the commitment to stop using adderall jest as I said before you need professional help you will never stop using with all that stash you have who are you kidding around with not me baby girl I can read you like a novel. Sorry for being so direct and I hope I did not hurt your feeling that is not my intention I jest want to see you get the proper help you need to get healthy .

Your Friend FALCON

Nothing wrong with being blunt. I'm not a stupid little girl though. I know what i am doing to myself/body and i know that to quit i need to get rid of the pills, but like i said earlier, i kept them because if i decided i needed them, i would take them. Sadly, i decided i needed them and i took them. So yeah, i am not 100% committed. I guess i have not hit rock bottom. I am not here trying to fool you all into thinking i have some superhuman willpower, where i can live with a stash of pills and never take them. I thought i was straight forward in my previous posts about my feelings, but maybe i was not. So i apologize if that was the case. I knew damn well what i was doing when i decided not to flush the pills. I knew it was a gamble and eventually i would give in, but i can't seem to let go of that security blanket. Especially with classes starting back up this week, crazy work hours, and everything in between. I am scared in many ways. I am scared i will lose my desire to do well in school, flunk out, get fat, become more depressed. I am at a point in my life where i NEED to continue succeeding. I certainly have not given up my fight though. Like i said, i am going to take my recovery day to day. Maybe it's not considered "recovery" if i take the pills once in a while. Maybe i am fooling myself. But, in my opinion that is better than giving up completely and hitting rock bottom. I will keep pushing forward. I have not taken any more pills since my slip up. Thanks for the tough love though

[Searchingsoul9]

Each persons bottom is different... that sounds weird. mine wasn't so harsh, I'd gone with my bff/ friend w benefits on a birthday trip, she didn't take addy, we fought on the trip, we never used to fight, I was a dick plain and simple, I was edgy and easily pissy, things that bugged me shouldn't have, I wasn't sweet or nice or that much fun (I'm being too black and white here, it wasn't that bad, but to her it was, we did have fun, but I was also kind of a dick)... and when we got back she said something like "you've changed, you're kind of an asshole now..." and so I thought about it for like 2 seconds and figured it was the adderall making my personality suck. I literally googled Does Adderall Change my Personality and found this site within 5 minutes of having that thought. I decided to quit then and there. It wasn't a big bottom, wasn't tragic or painful, I decided to quit. I still have all the pills from my last refill. So there are no rules to quitting-- there are things that might make it more likely we stay off, but come on we're all addicts and if we want to find it again it ain't that hard... we may have to jump thru a few more hoops than just getting up and getting it from the bathroom, but it's still easy and readily available if we get on that mission. The thing is to be ready and want something different. We all decided that adderall had negative side effects on our lives, that's why we thought about quitting, but it's not easy, life isn't easy, sometimes work is boring, sometimes life is boring, sometimes we feel lackluster and can't get into mundane daily tasks, and we remember that adderall charged us up and made the most mundane things if not fun then at least more interesting... and so some people go back to it cuz they miss that... but it's not going to work, even people who take it as they should and recommended by their Rx don't love it after a while. So we have to find a new source of happiness and motivation, we have to deal with life and make it better if it's not entirely satisfying. There are ways. A ton of people actually live healthy lives without the use of drugs to spice up their days. We can do that too. We just need to work a little to do so, and give our bodies time to adjust and repair, and not give in to temptation too easily as we are wont to do, because we are momentarily weak. And there are other ways to lose weight/ maintain a healthy body/ not gain weight other than taking adderall, much better ways.

Very wise. I appreciate you taking the type to write that. I notice the personality changes in myself, but no one has really mentioned it to me. I guess it's bad that i sort of like the emotionless zombie i am in SOME aspects of my life. Sort of takes away my guilt for somethings i have/continue to do. Anyways, i'm not giving up. Maybe i should get rid of my stash, but i know i wont. It's like i need it just in case. Setting myself up for failure? Definitely so. But either way, i am realizing everyday how much i need to let it/all my other destructive habits go. I guess it just gets overwhelming when i think about quitting smoking, adderall, fixing my eating disorder all at once....because i do indeed NEED to fix my disordered eating before i can 100% commit to flushing/quitting the pills. I can stand saying goodbye to the hour or productivity the pill gives me, and the cracked out energy, all that...but the way it kills my disgusting bulimic appetite it a really painful thing to let go.

[Searchingsoul9]

So, SearchingSoul - You've had input from at last 9 or 10 people here, ranging from pragmatic suggestions to gentle encouragement to downright WTF-are-you-doing-with-yourself tough love. But we haven't heard back from you.

What's the plan, lady? Maybe now is not the right time. Fine. Just remember that the only way out is through...

Sorry i was MIA! I have been working all weekend. Day and night. Haven't even gotten to read any of this until just now. Been in and out of doctors. Wasn't ignoring you all, i swear! haha

My plan? Good question! Well the plan right now is to get through today. I FINALLY have a day off to sleep and relax, i need sleep. Uhm, besides that i go back to the doctors monday for blood work. They are going to talk to me about getting on welbutrin and getting off the adderall/cigs to try and fix my circulation problems/reynauds. They going to do an ANA and check for an autoimmune disease. Then i start class in a few days. Basically my plan is i have no plan. My mind is a clusterfuck right now. Filled with a ton of thoughts, good and bad. I feel okay though. Haven't taken the pill since my slip up. Been drinking HEAVILY for the past few nights though and living on coffee and little sleep and food. So i need to stop and start being "healthy" again. The alcoholic fucks my judgment way up.

[FALCON]

Hi yes its me again the pain in your ass MIA yes I know that feeling very well I will stay on your ass Intel you get the proper help you need. 1^st question is this the same Dr whom gave you 3 mounts of adderall stash if it is run run fast and don’t look back this Dr is not the right one for your conditions you have many psychological and mental issues you need to deal with. Question # 2 Do you really what to quit using adderall are are you jest bull shiting your self and our members .Quistion # 3 are you willing to give your stash to your mom and finally tell here you need help. Quition #4 What will you do about your alcohol use it seems like its getting out of control. Quistion #5 what are you going to do about your ED OK baby girl you got my attention today I believe you are going to set your self up to failure by going to school right now the school will always be there for you when you get your health butt your health is a ticking time bomb getting ready to go boom its jest a Mather of time. ED your body is running on pure adrenalin with no real nutrition your fuel is your your adderal eventually there will be no more reserve left in you to function a normal life you will be in the hospital soon not by your own free will butt by your body starting to shot down .I have seen it before with girls your age with ED problems you will collapse and be in that place I call hitting the bottom ED adderall alcohol not a good combination at all something will give in and I am afraid it will be your orgens. I am no fucken DR. I am jest another addict like you trying to live life no its not easy its a hared trip we are on. I will ask you again will you get the proper help you need to get your body and mind healthy so you can finish your education you will not make it in school at this point in your life your plat is overfilled job getting up in the morning to go to school ED issues adderall addictions heavy alcohol us pulse your physical health is poor Hello girlfriend . Ho are you kidding no one butt your self stop lying to yourself if you think you will heal yourself by reading a forum or you think school is the answer for a happy life well its not maybe in the futher when you get the help you desperately need butt not now not in tell you get a Handel on your issues. Please get the professional help you need ASAP. I am really concerned about you I do not want you to hit bottom and be forest to go into a sicke unit at the hospital.Your very concerned Friend sincerely yours FALCON

[Searchingsoul9]

Hi yes its me again the pain in your ass MIA yes I know that feeling very well I will stay on your ass Intel you get the proper help you need. 1^st question is this the same Dr whom gave you 3 mounts of adderall stash if it is run run fast and don’t look back this Dr is not the right one for your conditions you have many psychological and mental issues you need to deal with. Question # 2 Do you really what to quit using adderall are are you jest bull shiting your self and our members .Quistion # 3 are you willing to give your stash to your mom and finally tell here you need help. Quition #4 What will you do about your alcohol use it seems like its getting out of control. Quistion #5 what are you going to do about your ED OK baby girl you got my attention today I believe you are going to set your self up to failure by going to school right now the school will always be there for you when you get your health butt your health is a ticking time bomb getting ready to go boom its jest a Mather of time. ED your body is running on pure adrenalin with no real nutrition your fuel is your your adderal eventually there will be no more reserve left in you to function a normal life you will be in the hospital soon not by your own free will butt by your body starting to shot down .I have seen it before with girls your age with ED problems you will collapse and be in that place I call hitting the bottom ED adderall alcohol not a good combination at all something will give in and I am afraid it will be your orgens. I am no fucken DR. I am jest another addict like you trying to live life no its not easy its a hared trip we are on. I will ask you again will you get the proper help you need to get your body and mind healthy so you can finish your education you will not make it in school at this point in your life your plat is overfilled job getting up in the morning to go to school ED issues adderall addictions heavy alcohol us pulse your physical health is poor Hello girlfriend . Ho are you kidding no one butt your self stop lying to yourself if you think you will heal yourself by reading a forum or you think school is the answer for a happy life well its not maybe in the futher when you get the help you desperately need butt not now not in tell you get a Handel on your issues. Please get the professional help you need ASAP. I am really concerned about you I do not want you to hit bottom and be forest to go into a sicke unit at the hospital.Your very concerned Friend sincerely yours FALCON

Hello there friend. No, it is a new doctor. She is very nice, but not a therapist. She is looking into people who specialize in eating disorders for me.

YES i REALLY want to quit. But like i said i guess not 100%. Does that mean i am bullshitting you guys? I certainly don't think so. I do want to quit, and i am still making strides and on my way to quitting. I am taper down on cigarettes as we speak...does that mean i am bullshitting myself because i am not going cold turkey? I don't think so, but hey...not everyone can see eye to eye.

Question 3. I am not sure if i posted about this or not, but i have talked to my mom. We have been discussing options for the past 2 weeks. She is not the type to come steal my stash though, she is helping me though by talking it out with me and looking for other options as far as counseling and anti depressants go.

Question 4. My alcohol use isn't getting out of control, it IS out of control haha (not funny, i guess) But the adderall fueled that for me. And this past weekend i just wanted to drown my sorrows-so to speak. But i am not worried about it. I am not drinking nearly as heavily as i had been the past few months. And i tend not to drink when i am off the as.

5."ED your body is running on pure adrenalin with no real nutrition your fuel is your your adderal eventually there will be no more reserve left in you to function a normal life you will be in the hospital soon not by your own free will butt by your body starting to shot down .I have seen it before with girls your age with ED problems you will collapse and be in that place I call hitting the bottom ED adderall alcohol not a good combination" I totally agree with this. In reference to my ED, i am and have been lying to myself for far too long. I know this. As far as the adderall goes...i REALLY am making strides to quit and today clarified that when i was talking with the doc. My ED, i have made NO effort to quit because it's fucking hard and i am weak. But, the thing is...neither me nor my mom can afford to send me to an IP facility. Money is tight as hell right now. I don't have a way to get myself that kind of help. And like i said, no one around here specializes in EDS. I can go to therapy in nyc though, but i cannot afford to leave school. It is alreayd paid off for the year. I am only in school for this one last semester! I HAVE to finish. I would let myself and everyone else down if i did not. And for me, i think being out of school too long would really fuck me up. I was a lazy, stoner with no goals for a long time and i dropped out of college when i was 18, so i am not willing to do it again. I appreciate your concern though. As far as the docs could tell today, my pulse, and BP were all good. My weight is underweight, but not scarily so. I will keep trying to get healthy

[FALCON]

Searchingsoul9

OK sorry for upsetting you I jest needed to open up your eyes. I want so bad to help you because like I said I know some young girls that have your condition and I have watched them deteriorate into bones and skin and ended up in the hospital .I do realize money is a issue with lots of people you should look into public add in your state I think you may be qualified I hope. Good luck baby girl and again sorry for the rude awakening my intentions are only to see you healthy.

FALCON

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

Falcon, do you really mean your goodbye message? I mean I know you're an awesomely caring dude but maybe you meant to say, "sensitively" yours instead of the other? I would just hate you to come across as creepy...

With care,

MFA

[FALCON]

oops thank you

[Heather67]

Hey girlie....girl....I don't think you're bullshitting anyone. I respect how honest...brutally so,that you've been about all your issues not just adderall. And I do think when you find a person...one person who can help you resolve them along with the addiction to some of the substances that are supposed to help with some of them already....life will feel not so overwhelming. You're a lot more in tune with your faults and yourself than any 20 year old I know. Its hard....cuz you're doing what people do at 20....but you recognize that you do it differently...and that's a step in itself. So don't you dare change....just get those issues in one basket and try to work em hard. XXOO

[ashley6]

Searchingsoul,

I want to second what neversayneversaid. You came on this sight and put everything out there. I wish I had your insight at 20 years old. For someone that doesn't feel comfortable opening up to people, you've made huge strides doing that here, so don'pt stop posting. You have to find your own way, and that's what you're trying to do. We'd love to see you off of adderall, pills flushed, but as a previous slave to those pills, I know how tough it is. Mix that in with an ED disorder, and it's a lot on your plate. I wish I could pay for you to get the help that you need, unfortunately I'm broke Stay strong, girl.

[Searchingsoul9]

Searchingsoul9

OK sorry for upsetting you I jest needed to open up your eyes. I want so bad to help you because like I said I know some young girls that have your condition and I have watched them deteriorate into bones and skin and ended up in the hospital .I do realize money is a issue with lots of people you should look into public add in your state I think you may be qualified I hope. Good luck baby girl and again sorry for the rude awakening my intentions are only to see you healthy.

FALCON

No need for apologies. I appreciate the concern

[Searchingsoul9]

Hey girlie....girl....I don't think you're bullshitting anyone. I respect how honest...brutally so,that you've been about all your issues not just adderall. And I do think when you find a person...one person who can help you resolve them along with the addiction to some of the substances that are supposed to help with some of them already....life will feel not so overwhelming. You're a lot more in tune with your faults and yourself than any 20 year old I know. Its hard....cuz you're doing what people do at 20....but you recognize that you do it differently...and that's a step in itself. So don't you dare change....just get those issues in one basket and try to work em hard. XXOO

Thank you for that! It means a lot<3 I wont do any changing, unless it's for the better How are you dear???xoxox

[Searchingsoul9]

Searchingsoul,

I want to second what neversayneversaid. You came on this sight and put everything out there. I wish I had your insight at 20 years old. For someone that doesn't feel comfortable opening up to people, you've made huge strides doing that here, so don'pt stop posting. You have to find your own way, and that's what you're trying to do. We'd love to see you off of adderall, pills flushed, but as a previous slave to those pills, I know how tough it is. Mix that in with an ED disorder, and it's a lot on your plate. I wish I could pay for you to get the help that you need, unfortunately I'm broke Stay strong, girl.

Such lovely people on here, how could i ever stop posting?! You're so thoughtful and caring, it really does help me more than you know. I appreciate your thoughts. I always have been an "old soul", but sometimes it works against me due to the fact i am quite cynical but that's just part of who i am. I don't know if you have netflix or not, but i love watching stand-up on there and i watched this awesome act done by doug stanhope called No refunds. it was hilarious, i thought at least. He is me in a man version lmao, some people may find it "depressing" i suppose, but i thought the act was great because it was so true and blunt. Anyways, he even slammed adderall and pharm companies so that why i thought it was relevant.