Hating Myself!

[SurvivingAdderall w Faith]

Almost 4 months off the devil pill and then I had a conference for work. I took some with me. Didn't overdue it... or did I? I know I am now. Still taking less than prescribed but ALLLLLLLLLLL the bad feelings and everything bad is back. I'm already depressed and it's just going to get worse. Just thought I should confess. Uggghhhh!

Am I totally starting over? I can't fathom the first couple of months again. If you've had a 10-day long relapse, is it just as hard getting back to life again? Any replies are much appreciated.

[GettingOffOfIt]

I don't think you will be totally starting over.  Your brain is like a sponge for the Adderall or whatever your prescription is.  It gets very saturated after taking it for a while and slowly dries up over time when you stop.  You should not have the same difficulty as you did 4 months ago.  

I was clean for over a year several years ago.  It was a tough, I had been on it for many years and I quit cold turkey.  When I got back on it I swore I would do so on my own terms.  I tried a half of an old leftover 5mg pill (I never threw them out!) to see how it would affect me and it wasn't bad the first time.  I went a week without and then decided I would go lighter and take it a couple of weeks here and there.  I went on for 4+ months going on the pill for 2 weeks then off for two weeks.  Then I remember I was going 30 days on to 30 days off.  Then of course I was on it everyday, full doses for the last 7 years, and I am now at 7 months clean.  That is the evil of it.  The longer you are off of it, the easier it is to forget what got you in the position in the first place.

The trick is to prepare for the cravings.  Have an out plan.  Tell yourself you will see what you can do without it right now and take it tomorrow if it doesn't work out.  Actually, putting it off an hour or two should do the trick.  Do whatever you have to do to talk yourself into postponing it.  All cravings are the same.  They are 100% mental.  They come and if you resist they leave you pretty fast and you won't want it anymore, then you can move on about your day.  They slow down the longer you are off of it and only come around on special occasions.  They come a lot harder too, but they are just as easy to defeat.

Don't beat yourself up for screwing up.  Use the opportunity to learn from it and move forward.  That's the biggest thing.  MOVE FORWARD.  You said it yourself so it sounds like you know what to do already.  Put one foot in front of the other, focus on one day at a time, and keep a big list of what you are so very thankful for in your life.  Focus on that and your plan to resist cravings when they come.   If you are in a very weak moment, do what you can to put it off until the afternoon, or evening where you will be in a much stronger mental position to resist since the craving will be gone.    

Good luck!

 

[SurvivingAdderall w Faith]

22 hours ago, eric said:

Hey there, just wanted to reply and let you know that you're not alone with that horrible feeling of knowing you've relapsed and then coming clean on here to the community. I've definitely been there too.  I've been hooked for over 8 years now.... I'm currently Day 19 and the amount of relapses in the past is so frustrating.

I've had a few major relapses where I got past 30 days and ruined it (Longest stretch for me was 90 days clean).  It doesn't seem to get easier but in the end that doesn't matter...the only way is forward so you can't dwell on it. Either way, its gonna be what its gonna be and the best thing to do is just quit now and get the days down. I'm well aware how that's totally easier said than done but its the only course to go.

Hopefully some veteran members will get on here and answer your question better lol. But at the end of the day all you can do is move forward...BEST OF LUCK!!! 

Thank you so much, Eric! I appreciate everything you said and for motivating me. Thanks for taking the time. I wish this site was more active. I am starting my own site and will be asking for ideas and feedback from this wonderful community, Writing has been therapy for me since 1985! I have my life documented in 72 notebooks and want to share in order to help others, introduce others, and always learn from others. We need support groups, so thank you again!

And.... CONGRATULATIONS!!!! 

[SurvivingAdderall w Faith]

18 hours ago, GettingOffOfIt said:

I don't think you will be totally starting over.  Your brain is like a sponge for the Adderall or whatever your prescription is.  It gets very saturated after taking it for a while and slowly dries up over time when you stop.  You should not have the same difficulty as you did 4 months ago.  

I was clean for over a year several years ago.  It was a tough, I had been on it for many years and I quit cold turkey.  When I got back on it I swore I would do so on my own terms.  I tried a half of an old leftover 5mg pill (I never threw them out!) to see how it would affect me and it wasn't bad the first time.  I went a week without and then decided I would go lighter and take it a couple of weeks here and there.  I went on for 4+ months going on the pill for 2 weeks then off for two weeks.  Then I remember I was going 30 days on to 30 days off.  Then of course I was on it everyday, full doses for the last 7 years, and I am now at 7 months clean.  That is the evil of it.  The longer you are off of it, the easier it is to forget what got you in the position in the first place.

The trick is to prepare for the cravings.  Have an out plan.  Tell yourself you will see what you can do without it right now and take it tomorrow if it doesn't work out.  Actually, putting it off an hour or two should do the trick.  Do whatever you have to do to talk yourself into postponing it.  All cravings are the same.  They are 100% mental.  They come and if you resist they leave you pretty fast and you won't want it anymore, then you can move on about your day.  They slow down the longer you are off of it and only come around on special occasions.  They come a lot harder too, but they are just as easy to defeat.

Don't beat yourself up for screwing up.  Use the opportunity to learn from it and move forward.  That's the biggest thing.  MOVE FORWARD.  You said it yourself so it sounds like you know what to do already.  Put one foot in front of the other, focus on one day at a time, and keep a big list of what you are so very thankful for in your life.  Focus on that and your plan to resist cravings when they come.   If you are in a very weak moment, do what you can to put it off until the afternoon, or evening where you will be in a much stronger mental position to resist since the craving will be gone.    

Good luck!

 

Thank you for your encouragement and taking the time to reply. I went to the doctor again today. Please read the reply I sent to @eric where he so kindly responded to me, too. I do not fully comprehend how to work this site. quote, reply, forum, etc. I am still learning and I get easily frustrated with anything technology because it torments me. That's what is taking me so lo9ng to get my website up and running.

Thanks again and CONGRATS on 7 months. That's awesome!

[SurvivingAdderall w Faith]

HELP!! I thought I submitted 2 replies so why is this box still here??? 

[SleepyStupid]

18 hours ago, SurvivingAdderall w Faith said:

HELP!! I thought I submitted 2 replies so why is this box still here??? 

Looks like you did submit 2 responses above - not sure which box you're referring to but if you still need help feel free to msg me (:

[DelaneyJuliette]

I've quit dozens of times and if the relapse was pretty short and I had some sobriety before that it was never as bad as the beginning.  I've come on here dozens of times and said "I'm back!" only to relapse again.  But I'm committed to this journey, it's just not what I thought it was going to look like.  Right now I'm taking less than prescribed but still taking it.  I know that it won't last this way.