BeverlyM

I'm tired, sore, irritated, starving, and I really want a drink. I know its a bad idea BC I'm going to use it to "comfort" myself from here on out BC I started now, while quitting Adderall. Anybody else have this issue? Maybe not alcohol, but swappin one addiction for another? Also, is food addiction a real thing?

Welp. I made it 24 hours with out Adderall when they are sittin in the bottle here next to me. That beats an 8 yr record for me. I had a post written out ab all of it and my phone died right before I tried to post it. It was long, and meaningful. And since my phone died, the post did too. Still pumped ab 24hrs tho.

When I said that, I didn't mean it in a way that if I thought could quit, I still wouldn't BC ill get fat. That's fucked up, and it seems like that's how most ppl took it, but either way.. That's not what I meant. And im always trying to quit. I haven't taken a pill since this am and that doesn't sound like much to yall, but when there's bottle of them starin at me all day, and the fact that I haven't been 12 hours without a pill by CHOICE, in YEARS, its actually real good. And by choice I mean, I didn't run out and sit here miserable for 2 weeks, which is what usually happens till my next script.

So, I already posted what my story is NOW, but not so much how I got here. I mention it occasionally, but I remember so much of it in detail that I just wound up postin it as a comment when I saw someone asking ab the effects on children in the long run. Hell, the whole race is screwed, really. Then I saw another post ab kids and I decided I'd post my Story #2. The one that was written for me. I was diagnosed with ADD in 3rd or 4th grade. Not sure which, but I remember the first day I took Adderall. It was the day we took the practice ITBS test. And by we, I mean the rest of my tiny classmates BC I puked for HOURS runnin bad and forth from the bathroom to the room tryin to get my test done in time. I remember it vividly. I remember the first time I realized it made me feel "good". My mom was drivin me to school and I said "I usually really don't wanna go to band, but today I'm really excited ab it" my mom literally said "its because you took your medicine" It made me feel like I was doin somethin right, bein a good kid BECAUSE it made me feel good. Like it chose me or somethin. I was 8/9 years old at that point. I got to ab 10th grade and I still had the same thought process ab it as I did when I was 9, up until one of my buddies says hell give me 10$ for one. I was like, whaaa? So I start experimenting. I wind up puttin myself on a schedule where I only take it on the days I work BC it was "fun" to stock every shelf in the grocery store. Quit takin it when I didn't work. Started failin all my classes. In fact, I rarely went to classes. And this is still in highschool, in ab 11th grade at the end of the year is when I knew I had a problem. But there's no way I could have known the extent of how bad it was. I was a 16 year old girl, that had been addicted to, and dependant on amphetamines for 8 years already. So even if I wanted to quit then ( which OBVIOUSLY I didn't bc I'm being told this is a great thing by my mom and I feel great when I take it ) I wouldn't have been able to. Then that lead up to late nights, leading to A LOT of alcohol to kill the buzz and sleep a few hours. Soon enough in also an alcoholic, dropped out if college, haven't been able to hold a job since... And the whole damn time thinkin ab how it had taken over my life and for some reason, thinkin ab the car ride with my mom to school, when i finally made her proud. And now here I am. Do NOT give your damn kids Adderall. Unless you wanna ruin their life and know they question every time someone shows a positive feeling towards them, BC they will at some point HATE YOU, trusting nobody, and its gonna be your fault. And by "you" and "your" I just mean everybody. Don't do it. Please

Also, to actually answer the question, I was so despised with pills by the time I realized I had to take them or I felt like I was dying, that there was absolutely no urge to start takin another one too. But I can say with pretty good confidence that being given this as a child is what started my drinking habits.

Sorry ab how long this is ab to be. I take this topic to heart. And everybody else should too. I was diagnosed with ADD in 3rd or 4th grade. Not sure which, but I remember the first day I took Adderall. It was the day we took the practice ITBS test. And by we, I mean the rest of my tiny classmates BC I puked for HOURS runnin bad and forth from the bathroom to the room tryin to get my test done in time. I remember it vividly. I remember the first time I realized it made me feel "good". My mom was drivin me to school and I said "I usually really don't wanna go to band, but today I'm really excited ab it" my mom literally said "its because you took your medicine" It made me feel like I was doin somethin right, bein a good kid BECAUSE it made me feel good. Like it chose me or somethin. I was 8/9 years old at that point. I got to ab 10th grade and I still had the same thought process ab it as I did when I was 9, up until one of my buddies says hell give me 10$ for one. I was like, whaaa? So I start experimenting. I wind up puttin myself on a schedule where I only take it on the days I work BC it was "fun" to stock every shelf in the grocery store. Quit takin it when I didn't work. Started failin all my classes. In fact, I rarely went to classes. And this is still in highschool, in ab 11th grade at the end of the year is when I knew I had a problem. But there's no way I could have known the extent of how bad it was. I was a 16 year old girl, that had been addicted to, and dependant on amphetamines for 8 years already. So even if I wanted to quit then ( which OBVIOUSLY I didn't bc I'm being told this is a great thing by my mom and I feel great when I take it ) I wouldn't have been able to. Then that lead up to late nights, leading to A LOT of alcohol to kill the buzz and sleep a few hours. Soon enough in also an alcoholic, dropped out if college, haven't been able to hold a job since... And the whole damn time thinkin ab how it had taken over my life and for some reason, thinkin ab the car ride with my mom to school, when i finally made her proud. And now here I am. Do NOT give your damn kids Adderall. Unless you wanna ruin their life and know they question every time someone shows a positive feeling towards them, BC they will at some point HATE YOU, trusting nobody, and its gonna be your fault. And by "you" and "your" I just mean everybody. Don't do it. Please.

Yeah, I would be tellin a big fat lie if I said weight gain isn't one of the main reasons I can't bring myself to quit.

That's prolly gonna happen either way. I'll go into a psychosis if I don't quit takin them soon. I'm mostly worried ab havin seizures alone tho.

I'm not proud of it but I wound up taking more to avoid the withdrawals. I know its just makin it worse. But that shits scary. Im about 450mgs up in the air and when I crash, I know I'm fallin hard. So I'm avoiding it. At least till I'm not alone maybe

I can't even begin to describe in words how grateful I am to have found this site. To see everybody's posts, encouraging me, and helping me, LISTENING to me... And you all take this time out of your day to write to me these AMAZING things ive never heard in my entire life, and you're complete strangers. The passion and care that everyone has is beyond amazing and im gonna have to let the fact that this is even happening sink in before I can do anything. I'm in shock at how many people are here to 100% support anyone in this hell. This hell does suck, to day the least but if I can come out of this with the passion and knowledge to help others through the same thing, It would be worth going through. Thank yall for reminding me there are real ppl with real feelings still. Its relieving.

That's an awesome suggestion, but anybody I would be able to stay with is an hour and a half away and I just wouldn't be able to get there. I'll just hide in my room or something. That's what I do anyway. And I def need to see a psychiatrist. I'm not sure if they take insurances like Medicaid, but I should check up on some places nearby.

Seriously. Definitely need to tell ppl what their future holds for them (or their childs) by starting this medication. I have never looked it up, but I would bet statistically over 90% of kids that were givin Adderall abuse it before they are in 10th grade. What's SAD is that I remember taking it in middle school and starting to realize the effects it was having and LIKING it, and I had no idea that it was a bad thing. It made me feel like I was doin something right. How is a child NOT going to grow up with a serious addiction when that's their thought process while completely innocent. It makes me sick.

Ive thought about telling my doctor multiple times. It's scary, but its obvious nobody can live in an amphetamine induced alternate reality their whole life. Unless they want their life to end ODing on Adderall. So the only option is very obvious, it just scares me. And im being hard on myself BC I'm constantly tellin myself I don't need to take anymore (at least today) and I do it anyway. And my record is 9 30mg pills in an 10 hour work shift. Did it every night. Worked 11pm to ab 9am and then I went to school. That didn't last long. I destroyed any motivation I had left. I did quit taking them for ab a year since then and now, but that didn't last either obviously. Thank you for being here, and thank you for being blunt. No apologies necessary.

Sorry my posts keep posting twice. (again) I don't know why its doing that

And I have no idea why my posts keep posting twice. Sorry I know that's annoying.

The "reality" of when I start to withdrawl scares the shit out of me. Especially now that I just counted my script and realized ive gradually taken 15 30mg pills in 4 days. I'm going to go into a psychosis, ill feel like my throats closin up, ill have a seizure, probably a few of them actually. My seizures are from head trauma but ive triggered quite a few by bein a fkin dumbass. I'm already in panic mode. I have absolutely NO idea how I'm supposed to handle this right now.

Ive been on this site all day. And I've read so many posts ab ppl taking a lot a one time when they relapse, and it made me think to go count the pills I have left from my prescription I had filled 4 days ago. Before I make myself look like a giant ass, I'd like to say that this is what happens when I get so far in that I'm afraid to even come back to reality. It's so scary when I can feel everything become pointless and its like somebody pushes a button in me that makes me quit caring ab anything BC its all pointless anyway. So I take another one. Ive taken 15 30mg pills in 4 days. That's 450 mgs in 4 days. Im 25 years old, I weigh 120 pounds. I don't even work. I can't because I have seizures from head trauma from an accident that happened when I was ab 6 or 7. But my POINT is that I MYSELF don't have an excuse for this other than in afraid not to. Honestly, I feel like a giant asshole. I really didn't realize how fast those lil orange bastards add up. I do want to fix this, but I'm completely clueless on where to start and how. Telling my mom isn't an option. It would get worse. And im just not brave enough to flush them. I would literally hate myself within the next hour or 2 when I come down. Geez, if this wouldn't make you feel like a failure, I don't know what would. Im so disappointed in myself.

Ive been on this site all day. And I've read so many posts ab ppl taking a lot a one time when they relapse, and it made me think to go count the pills I have left from my prescription I had filled 4 days ago. Before I make myself look like a giant ass, I'd like to say that this is what happens when I get so far in that I'm afraid to even come back to reality. It's so scary when I can feel everything become pointless and its like somebody pushes a button in me that makes me quit caring ab anything BC its all pointless anyway. So I take another one. Ive taken 15 30mg pills in 4 days. That's 450 mgs in 4 days. Im 25 years old, I weigh 120 pounds. I don't even work. I can't because I have seizures from head trauma from an accident that happened when I was ab 6 or 7. But my POINT is that I MYSELF don't have an excuse for this other than in afraid not to. Honestly, I feel like a giant asshole. I really didn't realize how fast those lil orange bastards add up. I do want to fix this, but I'm completely clueless on where to start and how. Telling my mom isn't an option. It would get worse. And im just not brave enough to flush them. I would literally hate myself within the next hour or 2 when I come down. Geez, if this wouldn't make you feel like a failure, I don't know what would. Im so disappointed in myself.

It's kind of ironic really... We are prescribed it to help us focus, pay better attention, etc.. But the one thing I keep finding myself doing over and over is looking for a distraction. Anything that will keep my mind off of what I'm "supposed to do" which is take the medicine. I'm sure it would have been different if I was always perfect and never abused the holy hell out of it for 10 years, but in my defense... What highschool kid ISNT gonna pop an extra one here and there to keep the excitement in working and just life in general, really. I don't think anybody purposefully started taking copious amounts of Adderall all of a sudden BC it seems fun. Every one of us on this site did nothing except be damn human. There was no "you may not ever feel real happiness again" label on the bottle. Nobody to explain what dopamine is to a 9th grader that doesn't realize she's slowly killing her personality, and goals, and relationships. Then one day, 10 years later we find ourselves here, seeking guidance because we were royally screwed when our parents gave us amphetamines in 3rd grade. That's when mine started, anyway. I never had a choice. And now I sit here, wondering if everything in the room is actually jigglin a little bit, when obviously its not. I'm trying to quit taking this medication but everything in the entire world (except for this website) SCREAMS "take your damn medicine, fool. Of course you feel like shit. You gotta take your medicine." Then before we know it, we've gradually taken a total of 120+ mgs by the end of the day just by poppin one when we feel like nothing has a purpose all of a sudden. This is so hard. It physically hurts. And the dependencies my body has acquired psychologically are gonna be stuck with me for a really long damn time, whether I can quit or not. It's depressing. And the fact that I know I'm gonna get fat doesn't motivate me to not give in to taking it either. I just don't know how to deal with any of this. I'm not happy with or without it but at least i don't feel like every single damn thing I do, or think ab doing, or think ab saying, or think ab LOOKING at, EVERYTHING is pointless until I get my damn "meds" This is rough, yall.

Posted Today, 11:11 AM So, it was ab an hour ago that I would have taken another pill to avoid this feeling that's slowly creepin into my soul, gettin worse and worse every minute. Some of the withdrawals that I have, I'm curious ab tho. For some reason I always feel like there's mucus stuck in my throat but I cough and gag and puke and there's nothin there. It gets to where I can't breathe though, and I have a panic attack on top of withdrawals. Does anybody know this feeling? Ive wondered occasionally if its my throat closing up for some reason and it just feels like somethings in there BC its more constricted? Then, on top of that, I have hallucinations. Mostly when I turn around fast or kinda lookin through my peripherals. Everything looks like its moving. In fact, dancing. Everything kind of dances. Hearing shit is the worst. It's really bad when I'm in the shower for some reason. I hear voices and recognize who they go to, but can't make out any words. Btw, none of these people I hear talking are here. Haven't seen some of them in years. I want to do something, but thinking ab doing anything almost makes me nauseous. So that's pretty much the biggest pain in the ass ever. I sit here and cry instead BC wtf else am I gonna do? Ive made ab a trillion excuses up in head as to why it would be better if I just take another one. If anybody has good advice on not given into this, I could use it. But mostly all the other weird shit I just wrote about. Does anybody else do this stuff? Oh yeah, another common one I get is pain in my shoulders. Like I'm carrying an obese man through WalMart on my back, except all I did was walk to the kitchen. I'm just adding stuff to this as it happens I guess, but my head twitches when I try to sleep. My whole body a lot of times. Someone said it could be convulsions from withdrawals... Is that like having a seizure?

It's not fun at all. I just posted another thread ab the withdrawals that are kind of freaking me out at the moment. I'm wondering if anybody else goes through this or if its BC Ive been doing this for so long the psychological dependencies ive acquired are like, yelling at me. It's titled 1 hour into the healing process, and im begging whoever wants to, to read it. I'd hate for another person to deal with this crap, but itd be a little comforting to know its not just me.

So, it was ab an hour ago that I would have taken another pill to avoid this feeling that's slowly creepin into my soul, gettin worse and worse every minute. Some of the withdrawals that I have, I'm curious ab tho. For some reason I always feel like there's mucus stuck in my throat but I cough and gag and puke and there's nothin there. It gets to where I can't breathe though, and I have a panic attack on top of withdrawals. Does anybody know this feeling? Ive wondered occasionally if its my throat closing up for some reason and it just feels like somethings in there BC its more constricted? Then, on top of that, I have hallucinations. Mostly when I turn around fast or kinda lookin through my peripherals. Everything looks like its moving. In fact, dancing. Everything kind of dances. Hearing shit is the worst. It's really bad when I'm in the shower for some reason. I hear voices and recognize who they go to, but can't make out any words. Btw, none of these people I hear talking are here. Haven't seen some of them in years. I want to do something, but thinking ab doing anything almost makes me nauseous. So that's pretty much the biggest pain in the ass ever. I sit here and cry instead BC wtf else am I gonna do? Ive made ab a trillion excuses up in head as to why it would be better if I just take another one. If anybody has good advice on not given into this, I could use it. But mostly all the other weird shit I just wrote about. Does anybody else do this stuff? Oh yeah, another common one I get is pain in my shoulders. Like I'm carrying an obese man through WalMart on my back, except all I did was walk to the kitchen. I'm just adding stuff to this as it happens I guess, but my head twitches when I try to sleep. My whole body a lot of times. Someone said it could be convulsions from withdrawals... Is that like having a seizure?

Ive daydreamed countless times ab telling everybody and that being the big first step. It just scares the hell out of me. My moms the only person I could tell that actual has an affect on my life. But she's so damn unpredictable, I get nervous askin her simple questions. I don't have the courage to just lay it all on her and be like "just so ya know ma, ive been messed up on Adderall for the past 10 years. That's why I'm a complete failure." I mean, as far as I know.. Nobody pays enough attention to what I do to have even realized yet that there's an issue. 10 years is a long time to not realize the person you live with has an insane addiction to her meds. It all just makes me nervous. Another huge thing that I forgot to mention in all of this is my head twitchin when I lay down to sleep. I already have seizures from head trama, but my body only jerks like its TRYING to keep me awake when I am comin off of Adderall. It seems more of a withdrawal symptom than anything. Anybody else experience this? Another weird thing that happens is I constantly feel like I need to cough up mucus as soon as I start tapering off the drug. I constantly try to cough it up but nothing ever comes out and the feeling doesn't go away for hours. Ive wondered if this happens to others when they take Adderall for a LONG time.

My biggest problem is not wanting to wait until I can finally fall asleep, so I make excuses up in my head to take more. My original mindset every time I get my script is to take it like I'm supposed to. Never happens.

Thank yall so much. I don't have any kind of support system, so this is really all I have and it brings tears to my eyes just knowing I'm heard by someone. I'm not used to that. So thank you.