BeverlyM

Did you ever feel like the longer you go without taking it, the more excuses you come up with to take it? Like... I haven't taken it since yesterday if I take another one now, I can just keep it regulated. Even tho you know you're just making excuses to take it.. If anyone knows what I'm talkin ab please shed light on any way to make it easier to not give in.

Yeah for sure. Especially when you haven't been outside for like 3 days and you walk into sunlight. Uuuh OWch. But I can honestly say that when I wrote this last night, I wrote ab how I was thinking ab taking another one, but I never did. And I haven't yet. So its a start.

I'm the absolute worst about making up excuses in my head to take it. I know exactly when I'm doin it, when I'm GOING to do it, and they aren't even good excuses. I mean, I guess after I realized that it was mostly the psychological side of the addiction affecting me, to a certain extent, I just gave up. And I've been fighting with my own self ever since. Also, my doctor literally just called me and said they are referring me to a kidney specialist BC my kidneys are borderline? They drew blood a few days ago to check some stomach symptoms and came back with that. Does anyone know if amphetamine abuse can cause any kind of kidney damage?

Wow. Just... Wow. There aren't even words for how I want to describe how I feel after stumbling upon this website. Ive been addicted to and abused adderall for 12 years. Still do. Hell, I'm on it right now. I cry (like bursting into tears crying) ALL the time BC out of those 12 years, ive been desperately wanting, and trying to quit for the past 8. 8 DAMN YEARS, YALL. And let me tell you somethin... In those 8 years I have moved 29 times, had a different job every few months, couldn't maintain ANY kind of relationship... Basically everything that sucks in life, I have, BC of this drug. I want to start my story by saying this is going out to those who are in SO deep that the "motivation to study" and "better work-ethic" are all middle school fairy tales. That ended a looooong time ago, and has since been replaced with doing meaningless crap for as long as you want to BC as soon as you feel like there's no point, you take another pill. Honestly, the next hour or 2 it takes to write this will be the most meaningful 2 hours spent on Adderall in at least 5 years. You know what really kills me inside is seeing all of these ppl who are able to quit and have been and I'm literally thinking "I should probably go ahead and tale another half so I can continue to enjoy writing my story. Not only enjoy, but to have motivation of any kind to finish it. As soon as I start coming down, my head fills with "there's no point anyway" thoughts and I wont even care enough to copy what I already wrote and save it. But ill tell ya, when I get my fix in so damn pissed at myself for not saving it that I literally would start hating myself. Leaning only towards taking more pills to feel ok. I use the term "ok" extremely lightly. There is no ok. I only get my script once a month so the short amount of time it takes me to go through it, I'm thinking ab nothing except how awful its gonna be when I run out. Thinking like this also leads to taking more and more, EVEN THOUGH, that's the underlying issue. It does this BC I can focus on some meaningless shit like a puzzle or a game on my phone FOREVER if I wanted to, and just keep poppin that lil orange pil every time I think a bad thought. I honestly don't remember the last time I felt happiness without it, but hell, I don't remember the last time I felt happiness with it either. So, like I said... If you are in as far deep as my sad lil soul has gone and have ANY kind of advice for me.. PLEASE help me. I'm not even living anymore. I'm not even sane half the time. Ive went into an amphetamine psychosis so many times in pretty sure I'm just stuck in it now. It's a miracle ive never had a stroke, I guess. Oh, by the way, I'm 25 years old. Was prescribed Adderall in 3rd grade when I was referred by my teacher. When I was young like that I would lie to my mom and tell her I took my med and never did BC it made me feel like I was dumber than everyone else to have it. It wasn't until ab 9th grade that I started using it to study and do homework and work and all those other REALLY fun things at first. It didn't take long before I was abusing it in order to study, and do homework and all those NORMAL things I couldn't do without Adderall anymore. Wasn't long after that when I became completely antisocial, locked myself away for hours and hours and hours, hell... DAYS, doing puzzles or playin a game or ANYTHING that's not actually productive at all, but I LOVE the feeling of wanting to do it. I don't know why. But I get scared when I start to come back to reality. I mean, literally frightened. I cry and take another pill and cry some more until it kicks in enough to not think like that anymore. Yeah, I'm effed up. I'm REALLY effed up. So when I say help me... I'll let you know I'm literally in tears as I type, crying for help. Im a slave to this drug.

Wow. Just... Wow. There aren't even words for how I want to describe how I feel after stumbling upon this website. Ive been addicted to and abused adderall for 12 years. Still do. Hell, I'm on it right now. I cry (like bursting into tears crying) ALL the time BC out of those 12 years, ive been desperately wanting, and trying to quit for the past 8. 8 DAMN YEARS, YALL. And let me tell you somethin... In those 8 years I have moved 29 times, had a different job every few months, couldn't maintain ANY kind of relationship... Basically everything that sucks in life, I have, BC of this drug. I want to start my story by saying this is going out to those who are in SO deep that the "motivation to study" and "better work-ethic" are all middle school fairy tales. That ended a looooong time ago, and has since been replaced with doing meaningless crap for as long as you want to BC as soon as you feel like there's no point, you take another pill. Honestly, the next hour or 2 it takes to write this will be the most meaningful 2 hours spent on Adderall in at least 5 years. You know what really kills me inside is seeing all of these ppl who are able to quit and have been and I'm literally thinking "I should probably go ahead and tale another half so I can continue to enjoy writing my story. Not only enjoy, but to have motivation of any kind to finish it. As soon as I start coming down, my head fills with "there's no point anyway" thoughts and I wont even care enough to copy what I already wrote and save it. But ill tell ya, when I get my fix in so damn pissed at myself for not saving it that I literally would start hating myself. Leaning only towards taking more pills to feel ok. I use the term "ok" extremely lightly. There is no ok. I only get my script once a month so the short amount of time it takes me to go through it, I'm thinking ab nothing except how awful its gonna be when I run out. Thinking like this also leads to taking more and more, EVEN THOUGH, that's the underlying issue. It does this BC I can focus on some meaningless shit like a puzzle or a game on my phone FOREVER if I wanted to, and just keep poppin that lil orange pil every time I think a bad thought. I honestly don't remember the last time I felt happiness without it, but hell, I don't remember the last time I felt happiness with it either. So, like I said... If you are in as far deep as my sad lil soul has gone and have ANY kind of advice for me.. PLEASE help me. I'm not even living anymore. I'm not even sane half the time. Ive went into an amphetamine psychosis so many times in pretty sure I'm just stuck in it now. It's a miracle ive never had a stroke, I guess. Oh, by the way, I'm 25 years old. Was prescribed Adderall in 3rd grade when I was referred by my teacher. When I was young like that I would lie to my mom and tell her I took my med and never did BC it made me feel like I was dumber than everyone else to have it. It wasn't until ab 9th grade that I started using it to study and do homework and work and all those other REALLY fun things at first. It didn't take long before I was abusing it in order to study, and do homework and all those NORMAL things I couldn't do without Adderall anymore. Wasn't long after that when I became completely antisocial, locked myself away for hours and hours and hours, hell... DAYS, doing puzzles or playin a game or ANYTHING that's not actually productive at all, but I LOVE the feeling of wanting to do it. I don't know why. But I get scared when I start to come back to reality. I mean, literally frightened. I cry and take another pill and cry some more until it kicks in enough to not think like that anymore. Yeah, I'm effed up. I'm REALLY effed up. So when I say help me... I'll let you know I'm literally in tears as I type, crying for help. Im a slave to this drug.