SleepyStupid
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On 5/26/2023 at 10:19 AM, risingpheonix said:
For me, in the first months, while I slept a ridiculous amount and was not in the best spirits, the very fact that I saw myself get through the smallest assignment without adderall filled me with such a sense of accomplishment, it was so motivating! I was absolutely shocked that I could do x or do y without adderall. Each time I did something for the first time (since many years) without adderall, I felt like I summitted a mountain.
totally this! people often get trapped in their recovery waiting for some switch to flip or magically feeling of being "healed", but it's really about appreciating every victory and letting them add to the confidence of a post Adderall version of you.
thanks for sharing your story, it is very inspiring in it's honesty and reality (:
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Yup - the trap is waiting for "something magical to happen". it won't. certainly there will be good days and bad days, but there is no distinct flip of a switch where you start feeling "cured". IMO, I only recognized my recovery when I was able to do things that I didn't think I could without Adderall. so as @DrewK15 said, the action had to happen before I realized my progress.
5 months is a tough period because it feels like you have just enough energy to want to do something, but not enough to actually do it
. I remember that feeling well! watching TV and videos is just fine for where you're at, but you should slowly start seeking out challenges when you feel ready (:
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On 4/24/2023 at 12:24 AM, in sterquiliniis invenitur said:
Anyway, it doesn’t matter whether or not I can articulate that. What matters is that I can actually keep the promise to myself that: tomorrow, I will wake up and immediately jump into life—without succumbing to that ultimate temptation. I will immediately make my bed… and jump into an ice-cold shower… and grab a cup of coffee… and breathe the morning air outdoors at 6:00 AM… and walk the dog while listening to podcasts which favorably package information related to upcoming exams into digestible impressions of thought that potentiate/recall formerly-studied information… and come back home to have a high-protein breakfast… and have a communal, mutually beneficial conversation with the members of my family… and reach school 30 minutes early to have time to read something like “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People”… and then conscientiously enter each class with the intention of subordinating my pride to my receptive ignorance and the willingness to rectify that ignorance… and then head to my minimum-wage job with the intention of not feeling like it’s “below me” but rather… doing my duties dutifully and in a spirit of reciprocally influencing the quality of the customers’ days by assembling and packaging and serving the food under a guideline of favorable impressions left on those customers within the bounds of everything the restaurant can control/optimize. And then… end the day with another run… sufficiently lengthy and up a sufficiently steep incline… so as to burn that carbonized deadwood of limiting inferiority complexes that have (by that point) once again started to form under the weight of the transitory chemical imbalance.
this reminds me of Fitter Happier - a Radiohead song that is a commentary on conformity and the disillusionment of it. it's worth a listen.
not to say that your plan doesn't sound healthy, but it doesn't sound like that of a real person. I think you are not only addicted to amphetamines, but addicted to crafting an identity - I know the feeling because I used to do it too when I was on speed.
On 4/24/2023 at 12:11 AM, in sterquiliniis invenitur said:What's my point? Damn it, I don't need to always have a point but I think it's: the "specifics" of your "moral striving" doesn't have to be understood by everybody. There's no perfect thing to do at every given moment of your life--and often, the most wretchedly "pointless" activities--as long as they require time and attention and vision and effort--can render the greatest long-term value... often in virtually imperceptible ways.
I agree! the thing is, I don't see much of these "pointless" activities in your writing. I'll be really honest with you - quitting Adderall is a process in which the first few months will be rife with pointlessness, lethargy, sudden and extreme disinterest in the things that you used to obsess over. you will not be successful in this process until you address this theme of guilt you have towards doing things that seem useless. I think this is something a therapist could help you work through, but you need to be ready and willing to disassociate from all the rationalizations and frameworks you've built around the inner addict that you are becoming.
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Agree with @DrewK15 - the more successful route is usually cold turkey, particularly for abusers. the main challenge with tapering is the discipline required. for some people who have been taking their exact prescribed dose with no abuse for years, tapering may be a viable option, but generally not for recreational users and abusers. as you say, simply having the Adderall and being tempted to go back up - all it takes is one bad day where you take a couple of extra, suddenly you're up all night, then take more the next day cause you have some important stuff, etc. etc.
if you feel strongly about the taper route, and do not have a partner or friend to dispense the dosage, you may want to look a kSafe or similar to time lock your pills.
gl and keep us posted!
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3 hours ago, eric said:
I'm noticing what people were talking about on here about good days being peppered in there and hints of the better days to come.
Yes, totally this! overtime, the number of good days will slowly but surely increase until you're no longer thinking of them as good and bad.
congrats on the hardest 3 months, it will get easier from here!
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hi @Trevor95
Thanks for reporting this! I'll take a look into it, but in the meantime you can view the page on the internet archive here:
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welcome to the forums - this is a courageous first step, even though it may not feel like it. as you've likely heard many times before, an addict is not ready to quit until they WANT to quit, and it sounds like you're definitely there.
your story is very familiar to me, and as a fellow binge abuser I must deliver a harsh but necessary truth: you will never be able to go back to using it just as prescribed. once you know the feeling of over using, avoiding comedowns and chasing the high there is simply no way to unknow that feeling. you may be able to control and limit yourself for a period of time, but all it takes is one especially stressful or bad day to fall off the deep end. to me it always felt like a Jekyll and Hyde - take enough Adderall and a totally different person emerges that has NO problem taking and doing whatever they want to stay alive.
On 4/7/2023 at 2:54 PM, ScaredtoFall said:My job is so stressful that sometimes I feel the only way I'll be able to successfully stop abusing adderall is by leaving everything behind and locking myself away in some wooded cabin. Unfortunately, I can't afford that luxury. But what do I do when the expectations/standards I have demonstrated for myself and convinced others to set for me are impossibly high due to my adderall abuse?
so here's another thing that Adderall does very well - convinces you that you're life and job is sooooo stressful and that being on Adderall makes you soooo excellent at everything and every idea is golden and everything needs to be done to absolute precision and perfection. many of us used to spend hours pouring over every word in an email that should have taken 15 minutes to fire off. that's just what speed does - makes you anxious, speedy and feel great. it's a hard drug masquerading as a medication. to be clear, I'm not saying that it doesn't genuinely help some people, but we have tons of folks on this forum who took it just as prescribed for many many years and discovered the ultimate truth that it's a life that is simply unsustainable in the long run. if Adderall had no side effects and didn't turn us into zombies, no one would ever come off it. but the reality you've already admitted is that the cons far outweigh the pros.
On 4/7/2023 at 2:54 PM, ScaredtoFall said:I am so ashamed. I am trying to be kind to myself but I feel paralyzed by my lack of self trust. I know people say that in order to quit you have to violently prioritize yourself....I genuinely don't know if I can. I have always needed validation, approval, and the feeling like I am "good enough" -- and I don't know if I'm capable of being my personal advocate. I am so so so afraid of being perceived as "bad" or "wrong" or being scolded that it has prevented me from seeking out any support.
I think you already understand that the person who has created all these expectations is you, but your next challenge is to truly believe in the person on the other side of this journey that you want to be. this is going to be challenging because the addict in you will do everything to fight for it's life, prevent you from seeing that you can be an even better person after all of this. not just a better person, a new person. I don't like thinking of this process as "recovery", because that implies trying to get back something you've lost, which often translates to productivity and energy. I like to think of this more as "discovering" a new better version of yourself. but that discovery process cannot start until you've distanced yourself from the drugs for a sufficient period of time. the first few months of this journey will absolutely suck, and the addict will try everything to rationalize its existence - the belief of a better person will carry you through this. when you have enough time away from the drug, and that addict voice is not so loud anymore, then you can start discovering and figuring out exact who this new person will be!
that all said, I think if you are still using at this time, make use of that energy to put the right support structures in place and plan for your
recovery"discovery". if you need help with the details, we're here to help (:-
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On 3/21/2023 at 12:38 AM, in sterquiliniis invenitur said:
What's my point? I think it's this: the whole business of quitting can't be justified by anything like an "ideology", at least not for me.
it's not so much an ideology as it is a belief that your life can and WILL be better when you're off the drugs. at the end of the day, if amphetamines didn't have side effects, or didn't stop working, why would anyone quit? you're here and on this journey for a reason - the addict is trying to make it seem like there has to be some grander or greater purpose than simply your life and health.
i remember struggling with this idea of "losing" the race if I stopped taking Adderall. what was the point of living if I was just going to fail? one of the most powerful pieces of advice given to me at that time was simply: "you don't have to win anything. its okay to just live." that got me through a lot of my early recovery, but long term recovery is about truly believing that there is a person on the other side that you would rather be than the addict. the secret is that it's true for everyone - you just need enough time away from the drug to realize it.
On 3/21/2023 at 12:38 AM, in sterquiliniis invenitur said:has been hijacked by a drug that makes me just a little too interested in things that I would otherwise dismiss... thus obscuring whatever you might call authenticity and replacing it with... with frills.
I think the authenticity you speak of is a result of "just living". i think you should give it a serious shot (:
gl and keep us posted!
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hi @ALA
so glad to hear you're making strong progress! your approach at work sounds appropriate for where you are in your recovery - do the bare minimum and just make it through the day! be sure to focus on those feelings of empowerment after completing tasks - this is something that will become very important down the road when you feel like you've hit a ceiling. the trap that many people fall into is waiting around for a "feeling" of being recovered, when in reality that feeling is derived from overcoming challenges you didn't think you could take on without Adderall.
On 3/9/2023 at 9:24 AM, ALA said:She, however, kept pushing to make sure I didn't want to try alternative ADHD medications, which was frickin so hard to decline. Like, wtf, why do you have to make this harder than it already is? Do docs get extra pay or something for pushing these drugs on us?
the short answer is yes - the business model of psychiatry is more medication management than actual therapy. it is in their financial interest to keep patients on long term medication plans so they continue showing up. because there are no empirical tests for mental health conditions, and they don't exactly know how these drugs work, there is always another drug to try. to be fair though, I don't believe most doctors are necessarily putting money over your health, its just the way our health care system works. you need to take ownership of your own health journey and make educated decisions based on a number of inputs (certainly also including your doctor).
that said, you may do better at this point with a behavioral or addiction therapist than a psychiatrist.
gl and keep us posted on your progress (:
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hi @Rob
Glad to hear you've finally started your journey! unfortunately, there isn't really such a thing as a federal blacklist database. assuming you're US based, the closest thing is probably a state level program like PDMP (Prescription Drug Monitoring Programs). you can find more information at the link below. unsurprisingly, our healthcare system isn't so wonderfully integrated and accessible that every healthcare provider knows everything about you. If you're covered by insurance, a substance use disorder diagnosis may cause red flags in their system but that wouldn't necessarily stop a physician from prescribing.
it's probably best to accept the fact that access control is and will always be on you. that said, taking some immediate steps like communicating with your current doctor to cut you off will at least make it more difficult to obtain a script. sometimes the additional effort of doctor shopping can be just enough to discourage a relapse.
gl and keep us posted! (:
https://www.cdc.gov/drugoverdose/pdmp/index.html
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5 hours ago, GettingOffOfIt said:
I like getting my 8 hours of sleep every night and not feeling like I've been hit by a truck every morning when I roll out of bed, desperately searching for a pill to make the comedown go away.
haha, literally felt like getting hit by a truck. just sore and exhausted everywhere - I remember a particular binge after which I could barely move, it was really concerning.
congrats on your (almost) 1 year!!
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hi @Jon B
Welcome to the forums! glad to hear that staying close to the site has helped thus far, the forum has over 10 years of stories and content for inspiration. one of the common threads you'll see is about the pros/cons of tapering (weaning down) vs cold turkey. I think that the general consensus here is that tapering introduces a point of failure in simply having access to Adderall. Life never gets less complicated over time, and you will absolutely have days of stress and temptation. if you simply have no access to stimulants on those days, then that's one less thing to battle!
that said, one mistake won't erase all the effort you've put in, and that feeling of regret is a good sign. just get back on track with your plan. for these 3 weeks off work, I highly suggest throwing out or locking up your Adderall. if you can't bring yourself to throw it out, you can try something like a kSafe:
https://www.thekitchensafe.com/
gl and keep us posted (:
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first off, props for taking this challenge on seriously! for some people, an LOA can make the difference between success or not. it sounds like you've come to terms with this, and of course your health should take priority over everything else, but understandably your job and financial security are also quite important.
there are probably a few different options on the table for an extended LOA, and it will depend on your employers policies and your employment status. the first step is probably reaching out to your HR department or checking your employee handbook regarding this type of scenario. you should look into the FMLA program which guarantees up to 12 weeks per year of unpaid medical leave without risk to your job security. there are some requirements and stipulations including how long you've been with the employer and also obtaining a medical certification.
here's an excellent FAQ on the program:
https://www.dol.gov/agencies/whd/fmla/faq
you mention that you do not currently have a primary care doctor, but presumably you have a prescription from Adderall from somewhere? if you are obtaining it illegally, it's probably time to find a psych that ideally specializes in addiction to establish your medical necessity for leave.
just remember through all of this that your health is the most important thing. don't make compromises that you don't believe are sustainable. gl and keep us posted (:
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18 hours ago, SurvivingAdderall w Faith said:
HELP!! I thought I submitted 2 replies so why is this box still here???
Looks like you did submit 2 responses above - not sure which box you're referring to but if you still need help feel free to msg me (:
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Hi @magd
welcome to the forums! first off, congratulations on your decision to cut down usage, presumably to eventually eliminate usage altogether. the first couple of weeks are going to be hard no matter what you do, but it sounds like you know that you need to give yourself more time to recover. if you're still taking stimulants at some point during the week, be careful of falling into the trap of procrastinating work until "pill days".
regarding long term work ethic, perhaps consider whether the expectations you set for yourself are different than what others would actually expect of you. I'm not saying that doing a bad job is okay, but remember that those expectations were set while on a drug that pumps reward juice into your brain no matter what you're doing. many of us can relate to the feeling of writing epic, masterpiece emails when a two-liner would have sufficed! give yourself a break for a while - just focus on delivering by the deadline. bare minimum, sufficient work is fine for a while until you've had enough time away from the drug.
gl and keep us posted (:
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welcome to the forums, and sorry to hear about your mother's deteriorating condition. I had a similar period of obsession over bugs. it actually started with feeling them crawl on my skin. the condition is known as "formication" and is often associated with amphetamine and cocaine use. your suspicions are likely correct that it is the Adderall creating this sensation and also feeding into the obsession / delusion.
the challenging part will be convincing her of this or taking action herself. you mention that she is not having regular check ups with her psychiatrist, but she must be getting her script refilled by someone? can you ask to join her for a visit while you are in town, to ensure she is communicating these issues to her doctor? keep in mind that even though her doctor cannot share any details of your mother's care with you, they can take into consideration information you share with them. if you choose to go this route, be prepared for a violation of trust conversation with your mother.
this isn't an easy situation to navigate, especially if you live out of town. does she have any friends or family in the area you can communicate with regarding this? this would be a high priority to ensure the delusion does not get out of control.
good luck and reach out if you need more help (:
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welcome to the forums! it's interesting you mention hypothyroidism - Adderall withdrawal can very easily be mistaken for this condition. and if you look up hyperthyroidism, those symptoms mirror what Adderall use/abuse presents as! I'm unsure whether Adderall actually affects the same neuro pathways, and I'm certainly not a doctor, but I would be cautious about this diagnosis. I presume the doctor that diagnosed the hypothyroidism knows about your Adderall use, and I HOPE there was some actual lab test to confirm the diagnosis. the worst case scenario is a misdiagnosis where you're taking thyroid meds that can interfere with your recovery.
20 hours ago, Got2babetterway said:Will I ever get my zest for life back? My old pep in my step? I'm working on also healthy sleep, vitamins/minerals, and forcing myself to get stuff done. I'm hopeful making it routine again will encourage the return. I just can't take the depressed, unmotivated, no energy/life drained zombie anymore.
you will get your zest for life back! but it may not present as the "same ole pep" you used to have. keep in mind that you are moving forward in life, so seek to discover new things, interests and excitement rather than trying to "recover" a former version of yourself.
20 hours ago, Got2babetterway said:How long did it take others to regain their old self? I took 40mg XR basically 3 or 4 days a week for the past 6ish months. Before that it was daily use. I don't feel any withdrawal issues, sometimes I crave the "calm" and less anxiety adderall gave me, but it's not worth this depressed unmotivated state.
i'm a little hazy on your total timeline of usage, but expect the first few months to really suck. it's quite variable from there depending on your total time of usage, whether you truly have hypothyroidism, and your habits - expect great improvements through the first year of recovery.
gl and keep us posted (:
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welcome to the forums! this sounds like a pretty challenging situation, and I can certainly understand your desire to resume Adderall to get you through this final exam period. here's the thing: there is never going to be a "perfect" time to quit. there may be some times that are better than others, but life tends to get more complicated as time goes on. what I mean is that you need to actively make the time to quit. the best time to do this sounds like now to be honest - you're not working and you're not in school.
On 4/8/2022 at 7:45 PM, Regrettingtheyears said:I have been studying the LSAT (a standardized test to enter law school) for coming up 3 years now. I have been putting off applying to law schools the last 2 years because I was unsatisfied with my score, but I made a vow that this year, no matter my score, I will apply. I plan on taking the LSAT in June/July.
can you not postpone your self imposed deadline? what is more important right now - meeting this deadline, or your health? if you've already been studying for 3 years, perhaps there isn't as much of a "crunch" as you think there needs to be. maybe you just need a couple of more months off the pills to clear your head. 2 months is unfortunately not enough time away from the drug to assess your capabilities.
On 4/8/2022 at 7:45 PM, Regrettingtheyears said:However, I'm still hesitant because when do I truly quit for good? After my test?? But what about law school? It is a very intensive make it or break it 3 years of schooling.
this is the correct line of questioning. I think you would feel a hell of a lot more confident surviving law school if you conquer the LSATs Adderall free.
gl and keep us posted! we're rooting for you (:
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welcome to the forums! The title of your post resonates strongly for me. I remember at the peak of my addiction thinking and justifying my addiction as a way to build a life for the "real me". of course as it generally turns out, that life wasn't as great as I believed it to be while under the influence anyway, but also I had forgotten who the "real me" even was. It's certainly an existential mind fuck, but there absolutely is a Real You waiting to be discovered. I think people often lose hope trying to remember a version of themselves before Adderall, but that's a trap - especially if you've taken it for a substantial amount of time, you are fundamentally a different person now than before, and you will be a different person when you get clean as well. You will find new interests, relationships and goals to pursue - focus on discovering rather than recovering.
All of that philosophy is well and good, but none of it matters if you can't get through the first few months. You need enough distance from the drug in order to see things clearly, so you need a short-term plan to get through work, take care of yourself and do whatever you have to just NOT USE for a few months. It is going to suck and there are no shortcuts available, but some things that have never failed anyone: sleep, nutrition and exercise!
Meetings and therapy should help, and stay close to this forum. Share when you feel able, and take this one day at a time. gl and keep us posted (:
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Sorry to hear about the additional health challenges - that integrative care approach sounds positive though! For what it's worth, supplements tend to have very little impact during the acute recovery phase. If L-tyrosine is already contraindicated for your thyroid condition, probably not worth pursuing.
On 1/24/2022 at 10:02 PM, Hopefulily said:I originally tried 200mgs Wellbutrin SR. I thought taking it twice per day was the insomnia issue. I then asked my doctor for the extended release thinking that would be better but it wasn't. It did make me feel less depressed and motivated to do things but also not able to stop and meditate, drink water etc. I thought that was very strange and also not good for the recovery process from quitting adderall.
I'm not a physician, but that's honestly too much Wellbutrin. 300 mgs a day is often cited as the "target adult dose", but that's for primarily for treatment of depression. The fatigue and depression we experience as a result of discontinuing stimulants is kind of different. That said, I found Wellbutrin to be helpful during my recovery, but as half that dosage. It's not supposed to be something you feel "kick in" like Adderall, but it can subtly curb the worst of the fatigue in the early stages of recovery. In my experience, the lower dosage didn't cause anxiety, restlessness, etc. and when I was ready to be done with it, no side effects coming off!
On 1/24/2022 at 10:02 PM, Hopefulily said:Maybe I should continue my step down method? However I have stepped back up to 30mgs some days which is a huge red flag, I know. Maybe I should let my body normalize after giving up all of the downers and then finish my wean down and see if I need wellbutrin? But then how do I deal with the massive depression wave that comes from not taking adderall all day? I do think I might have mixed some days taking wellbutrin and adderall. Maybe I will go back to just taking wellbutrin but I also felt it made me not want to workout/move my body but that could also be from the adderall withdrawal?
You've probably noticed that most on these forums don't recommend the step down method - the reason is that it requires a tremendous amount of discipline, especially if you were previously abusing above your prescribed dosage. Cold turkey works well for stimulants because unlike other drugs (pain killers, benzos, alcohol), there isn't a risk of dangerous physical withdrawal. Having access to Adderall is probably the only reason you're still taking it.
Unfortunately, there's no simple answer to dealing with the "massive depression wave" other than planning for it. Do you have a partner or family that can provide support for the first couple of weeks? What about after that? The most successful recoveries happen through careful planning, managing expectations and a strong belief that things will be better on the other side (:
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1 hour ago, DrewK15 said:
You will probably need to quit Adderall to quit porn, unfortunately the 2 can get really twisted together.
this right here. the two became inseparable for me. towards the end of my addiction, I wasn't even taking Adderall to be productive anymore - it was to lose myself in porn.
I agree with @DrewK15 - there isn't a porn blocking tool in existence that will stop your stimulant addled brain from getting around it. you're probably asking this because your still trying to convince yourself that you can get back to a "healthy" or "productive" place with Adderall. sorry to say, but this is probably a sign it's time to quit. trust me when I say that there is no way back from binging. even if you manage to control your usage for some period of time, all it takes is one weekend of "fuck it" to ruin you.
the good news is, the porn addiction will likely disappear almost immediately after you quit.
gl and keep us updated!
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Hi @Realtor
welcome to the forums - sorry to hear about your challenges with fatigue, but more importantly your growing dependency and abuse of Adderall. you mention that you were prescribed because of an ADD diagnosis - were you ever diagnosed with narcolepsy? I know that stimulants are often prescribed for this condition, but I agree with @DrewK15 - a sleep study or similar sounds like a good idea. though your sleep right now is probably way worse due to the stimulants and alcohol. depending on what your actual underlying issue or disorder is, stimulants may in fact be the solution, but there are some alternatives to amphetamine that may be easier on your system - you should consult your doctor.
that said, I think you need some distance from Adderall to at least curb the alcohol problem lest it get out of control. it's hard to make rational decisions about your long term health while your still on the drugs, so take things one step at a time: try to reduce your Adderall intake, cut out the drinking altogether, take some time off work if possible.
gl and keep us posted!
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6 hours ago, DelaneyJuliette said:
I can't seem to locate the "main page" that had all the songs and movies etc listed on it. Now it just takes me right to the forums, even if I try logging out. Any thoughts?
The main page of the website is still up! Just go directly to http://quittingadderall.com/
http://quittingadderall.com/top-10-quitting-adderall-movies/
http://quittingadderall.com/songs/
Hope this helps - and proud of you for coming back and trying again and again. You've had some ups and downs the last couple of years, but you keep trying and that's the important part. It's taken many of us years to get clean - you'll be joining us soon in no time (:
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7 hours ago, DelaneyJuliette said:
How do u use chat?
Sorry to report that we haven't had chat enabled for quite some time - we don't have a very active user base anymore so it doesn't make sense to keep a room open.
Site having issues?
in General Discussion
Posted
hi there!
Sorry for the technical issues. I updated the forum software and a bit of the main website this past weekend which may have caused some issues with linking due to SSL certificate issues. I am aware of a few things that are still glitchy on the forum (profile on hover, hearting posts, etc.), but mostly everything should be functional. please feel free to update this post or send me a message with any other issues you encounter (: