Krax
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Posts posted by Krax
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Monolithic
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Good job, I did the something the other day with one of my kids, and I think it's a real step forward.
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Tyranny
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Mutation
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sorry to hear about your relapse. I can tell you from my recent experience though, that the warts may be unrelated. About 9 months ago I had one on my hand. Then my face. Then I shaved and they spread. Dermatologist told me it was common for them to spread, especially when shaving. He injected this yeast concoction into my skin, to trick my immune system into thinking there was an infection (that's why warts don't go away, the body does not recognize them as infections), anyways apparently I'm one of the 15% of the population this treatment works for, and they went away.
There are some independent pharmacists who make a special cream to use too. My attempts at over the counter treatments were unsuccessful.
I'd go to the doctor right away about those.
Hang in there.
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Woody Allen quote: Eighty percent of success is showing up.
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Thanks for the response krax! I was on Wellbutrin 100 mg sr in the morning and just switched to Effexor a week ago. I'm wandering if the Effexor has caused the dramatic decrease in energy. I switched mainly because it is supposed to help with social anxiety. I'm going to give it a little while longer but i guess I may have to go back on the Wellbutrin to make it through this
My experience when taking SSRIs post amphetamine was that they made me more tired
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Ali, you are in a very tough place. How is your quit going? I don't want to discourage your sincere attempt at quitting but I am concerned that all the pieces of the quitting puzzle are not in place, yet. tell me if I am wrong....but you believe you have to quit adderall because you are afraid of loosing your loved ones beacuse of the selfish and foolish behavior that heavy adderall use promotes. If that is your sole motivator, it will be a tough ride for you. What about your own body and have you experienced any of the nasty side effects? Do you believe you have an addiction to adderall? You said you do not want to quit. When I quit I wanted it to succeed worse than anything else in my life. I wanted to quit for a year before I actually put the pills down, and the last few months, the only reason I kept using was because of the physical addiction and I had to wait for a slack time at work to quit, then focus on my recovery.
I would like to pose a question to anybody reading this: Did anybody succeed with quitting, when they really didn't want to quit in the first place?
Nope
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Day 20 for me! Never thought I would see the day lol. Is anyone else having a problem with extremely low energy and motivation? I feel like I have hit rock bottom in my energy level, not really sure what to do about it.
Fw- congrats on day 27!! You're doing awesome!
Lunax- can't believe you're already at 39! You da bomb!
Keep it up guys!
Congrats on 20 days that's awesome but be ready for low energy levels to last awhile longer. I thank whoever invented Wellbutrin as it sustained me for the first four months I was off of Ritalin. At that point I experienced a resurgence of energy and could no longer tolerate the added activation from Wellbutrin. The point is it took me 4 months, so hang in there.
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I think the hardest thing for me, is my spouse is not sharing the happiness of me quitting. He has wanted me to quit forever, but doesn't seem to show appreciation like i'd expect. Idk, Ive gotten the furthest I have ever gotten without Adderall, but it doesn't feel as good as I thought it would.
Idk, I just think no one else has any idea what im going through, or how I feel, sometimes I don't even know how I feel myself. So how is anyone else supposed to relate? it just feels like a constant thing weighing me down.
I am so short tempered and irritable. sometimes I feel sooo bad for being snappy at my 3 yr old cuz shes the one im with the most, and she doesn't know y I am like I am right now. everything just feels depressing
Ally I think one of the hard things about not using/sobriety is that it never "feels as good" as we hope or anticipate. Reality is not like our life is when getting high. I think most if not all of us feel that way, I still do but then we feel other things that take time and patience to experience. With the variety of stuff you are using I would talk to an addiction professional as you have a concoction of chemicals to deal with, I know you can do this but I wouldn't go at it alone.
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I hate to rain on the parade here but this is pretty much how we all felt at the 3-4 week point, unfortunately it doesn't last and I encourage you to be prepared for that.
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my wife is the reason I'm still not using. Most people get to the point of having to tell their doctor, but I just had to tell her, back on November 15, 2012, and she's kept me from relapsing. She tells me the same stuff, how much easier going I am, and how much better I am with the kids, ect, so hang in there it's worth it. Our marriage is better in every way with me off of speed.
The funny thing is, is in the last year I've done better at work - even though it feels like I'm useless,when I look at the end results I see that I've actually been more productive .
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Remember it's not linear, in a day to day sense. I did not experience the "every day is better" recovery like someone else above said, it just wasn't like that. Also, it took 4 months before I could quit wellbutrin - where I had enough energy on my own, and I think others have found that 4 month mark to be significant too.
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Me too. also the walking dead spinoff is official too.
Cool didn't know about that
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I'm bummed it's almost over, but will be looking forward to the Saul Goodman spinoff
It all ends tonight!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have three exams on Tuesday. But I will need a study break and it will be from 9-10pm watching Breaking Bad.
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Exodus
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Anarchy
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scattered
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MFA- Try listening to some of the chants its weird but it works. I have a few Buddhist chants apps installed on my iphone. I think its good for the mind grapes. Try it and let me know what you think.
Cassie- "none of us know what the fuck we're doing!" yup so true.
BTW God Save the Queen!
what are the names of the apps you are referring to?
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I haven't been on here in awhile but I am happy to say that I am still clean. That doesn't mean it's been all great. I still find myself struggling with the cravings but I have not and have no plans on giving in. I just remind myself of all that I lost while on Adderall and I am still paying for what I did while on it too. Addiction sucks and I know that I have a long ways to go until I can say that I am a recovered addict. I am still a recovering addict and I have to tell myself this everyday or else it would be so easy for me to slip back into it. The last 2 months have been some of my worst and I still did not relapse so that tells me that I am getting stronger than my addiction. I hope to always be stronger but I have to take it one day at a time. This way I don't become overwhelmed and give myself an excuse to use again. I will try to be more active on this site again. It always helps having support
How long have you been clean for?
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Ham,
I can relate so much to what you're saying. I'm around 8 months clean too, almost 9, and I've been missing adderall a LOT. I'm not about to go back on it or anything, it's just a long process of accepting that that 'secret weapon' is now gone.
To me, it's useful to acknowledge when I'm missing or craving it, and why, and then I can let those feelings go. Thats pretty much what you're doing here, and I think it's pretty healthy. And to be honest, I think I need to be doing this too. So, I'm going to follow your example and stop being in denial. I'm going to list the things I miss about adderall, because I can relate to a lot of your reasons too. And then next to each one I'm going to let my sober brain respond. In the process I'm going to try to talk myself out of missing it.
Because I think adderall might be lying to us right now, and I want to reveal its lies.
*TRIGGER WARNING*
Things I miss about adderall, followed by responses from my sober brain:
-I REALLY miss that feeling of it FIRST KICKING IN after a good night's sleep, preferably after a couple days off.... mmmmmmmm and then getting sooo excited about whatever I had to do that day, about being alive.
That feeling stopped happening. The feeling of adderall kicking in became dysphoric towards the end. Or, I would just take it and feel normal and/or hollow.
-I miss that 'brainy feeling' I would get on adderall, especially while reading really hard books, the way the page would light up and everything would make sense and my brain could process it all so quickly and so intricately, it was almost like I was accessing another dimension--I felt like I understood things on a deeper level.
Yeah. That 'brainy' feeling is gone forever.
It can literally NEVER happen again because I crossed the line into addiction.
It's just me and my plain brain now.
But it was my brain the whole time and anyways, adderall is a neurotoxin.
The brainy feeling was poisonous in the long run.
'Another dimension???' Yeah, it's called AMPHETAMINE PSYCHOSIS.
-I miss feeling enthusiastic and confident that I could take on the world...........with my 'secret weapon' in my bag all the time to give me that edge. No matter how tired, underslept, overworked, etc. I was, I could always push it even harder, get up early if needed, down for whatever! I miss that so much!
Uhhhh, why the hell would anyone miss a life of OCD, overwork, nothing ever being good enough, being constantly underslept, malnourished, and anxious????
-On adderall I could pretty much ALWAYS FIND INSPIRATION!!!
What the hell kind of inspiration is THAT?!?!
In the long term, adderall removed my inspiration and I'm still trying to get it back.
I WANT IT BACK. WHICH IS WHY I WILL NEVER RELAPSE.
-I used to be better at doing more with each day. I used to be able to kinda keep up. I'm falling behind at work already and it's NOT a good time for that!!!!
I actually didn't get THAT much done with each day, I just FELT like I was.
But in some respects, I must acknowledge that I WAS more able to keep up with work than I am now.
Was it worth it?
Was it worth ruining my life???? HELL NO.
-I miss being able to get crappy things done FAST.
OK, nothing much has really changed. Crappy things deserve to get done as fast as possible.
That's why they're called CRAPPY.
-I miss being able to dull my emotions at the drop of a dime. I miss that 'I don't give a fuck, I've got more important things to think about' feeling I had on adderall. I'm sick of being so sensitive now. All these damn human emotions, I hate having to deal with them.
Yeah, well. Being alive is never easy.
-I miss not needing to eat all the time. I am SO HUNGRY all the time anymore!!!!! It's really expensive, and annoying!
YUMMMMM!!!!!!! I LOVE FOOD!!!!!!!!
-In the early days, I was working out on adderall. I trained for a triathalon on it. I miss that boost.For me, adderall led to a sedentary lifestyle in the end.
Now that I've gotten more into it, working out is a lot more fun, and healthier, off adderall.
I can actually experience my runner's high now. I would never give that up.
-I feel like I've lost some of my zest and enthusiasm for life. I miss having lots of hobbies too. I don't have as many anymore. I've lost some of the pleasure I used to have in doing things I like and I'm kinda lacking in inspiration these days....... that certain something that drives me in life, that edge, or whatever.
Adderall is the culprit. Adderall is what removed that genuine enthusiasm, that edge, that energy I used to have before I tried it. Only time and healing will bring it back..... if it ever does come back.
-I think I was in some ways more social during my adderall days. But ONLY when it was wearing off and I was going out drinking during the comedown. I'm pretty antisocial lately. I don't even make it a priority. I'm a total hermit.
I was a socially anxious hermit on adderall, with little to no interest in being social. THIS is a huge part of what I am working to heal. Again, adderall was the problem, not the solution.
-I miss my ex, who was also my adderall buddy. Adderall aside, we really loved each other and we had so much fun together.
*Silence*
EDIT: Maybe it's just a PAWS day but this DID NOT help me, at least not today. The addict mind is currently winning this debate :/That was a classic post, I'm copying and pasting this one
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Thanks for posting - wow that's some strength there, to quit both smoking and adderall at the same time? No wonder your body is responding like it is - you took away all the pleasure chemicals! Did you know that dopamine is produced by the addict twice in the addict's mind? One is of course the drug itself, and the other is the rush you get of being able to know you're taking the drug soon. That's why we develop drug rituals (I used to hide my pills in a hatbox and the pleasure I got from taking that bottle out if the hatbox and putting the pink pill in my hands, was admittedly pretty big).
Your brain is severely lacking dopamine and is trying to fix itself. It took a long time to ruin, it will take a long time to get back. It hasn't been a year for me (about 9 months) and I still am pretty sure I'm nowhere near over this. That's why I keep fucking up. My brain chemistry needs to rerun to normal and I need to be patient.
Like you! Be patient with your body, and kind to it. It's put up with a lot of abuse from you ;-)...
MFA from reading your recent posts or at least some of then it doesn't sound like you are f***ing stuff up at all
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It's the best
help unlooked for
in Tell your story
Posted
I sometimes think the anticipation was a better high then the drug itself