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@NurseAddy I'm still in early recovery so I'm glad DrewK15 provided some input. Lately I try to be less hard on myself when I'm not being super productive or when I have a lot of regret for the years I wasted doing meaningless tasks instead of being a father and husband. I'm thankfully holding onto all the negative things that adderall did to me and I currently have had very little to no desire to take one again. I relapsed so many times that things are never different/better when I take a pill and I'm finally realizing that and internalizing it. I still got a long journey ahead but so far my life has already changed so much compared to 6 weeks ago and I have had no regrets about quitting. - Currently day 42 and plowing thru this Monday!

@PP37 Thank you for the post. Its reassuring to hear the positive things that can happen if you stay off the stimulants. It's also refreshing to hear this from a person supporting a stimulant addict, since you more than likely had a clearer head during the past year than him lol. My wife has been a rock lately and this would be so tough without her support. So good job to you and him as well!! Good luck!

@NurseAddy Welcome to the forum, officially. Your story is unfortunately all to familiar to a majority of the members here including me. Lurking around the site when running out of meds and/or when your coming down off the high and hating your life. The "yo-yo" effect of getting your script, burning thru it in a week or two, and saying that you're never gonna go back but do anyways. Realizing that you have become addicted to this little pill even tho you can't believe it has happened and scared that you will never be able to quit and that life will be potentially horrible for the rest of your life. I have personally experienced these things and read hundreds of posts like yours where people are in complete despair and scared of life off this drug and its crazy. On the bright side, many of those people that have posted similar stories have gone on to quit and say its the best decision that they've ever made in their life and I fully believe them. I also have a friend that abused for years and is approaching 4 years clean this upcoming week and he's been able to enjoy life to the fullest and used to regret all the time he wasted being burned out (his first 6 months were rough but after a year he rarely even thought of the meds). Just know that life will suck for a while in early recovery but its so worth the reward of being a normal human in the long run. I'm thankful for this site and the stories that reassure me that what I'm doing and going thru will be worth it. That there is light at the end of the tunnel. I've quit many times in the past and flushed my pills on so many occasions but still went back to them. Now, I've developed an overwhelming hatred for the drug and a final realization that I'm not getting anywhere by being on them and they solve nothing by taking them. Also, venting and contributing constantly to this site has been crucial for me as well, I'm normally a quiet person but posting has given me accountability and honestly just makes me feel better. Just know that you CAN quit and you WILL be okay and happier in the long run, it won't be overnight but eventually...it sounds like things are going very good for you in other aspects of your life and thats something to be especially thankful for while recovering. A good support system is crucial as well and it sounds like you have that in your significant other. Just know that there are people here just like you and the support can be amazing. Good luck and keep checking in!!! -Finishing Day 41 and excited about life again

(Disclaimer: I rambled a little bit and may have vented about my regrets..) @HairsprayQueen Just checking in to see how things are going. I cant believe its been a month since you made this post. It feels like an eternity to me...just wanted to let you know that we're all still here to offer support when you need it. Lately my memory has been a little crappy and I can barely remember yesterday but today I passed by a beauty shop where I know one of the stylist uses stimulants and somehow your username popped into my scattered brain along with this post. It made me think about that morning when you posted about being at the doctors office and caving in. I was only day 7 and I wanted reach out to you to somehow make you rethink your decision but I knew that there was nothing in my power to help you at that time and I honestly didn't even know what to say at the moment, I happened to be on the site when you posted it :-(. Instead of saying something right then I waited a few hours to just say something simple and I'm sorry about that, even though your mind seemed pretty set on getting back on them. When I look back at your previous posts over the years it kind of reminds me of my previous ones...and I always wanted to go back in time to my first post about quitting cause I would be so far in recovery by now if I stuck with it back 2016...and then I would post months later about the hell I was still in and yada yada....however from every relapse I did learn something and thats key to going forward. In the end tho, we all have to stop one day and my time has finally come and I'm thankful I didn't get to the 6 year mark of usage (5.5years roughly). I wish I would've been able to stop back at the 2 year mark because this process would've been so much easier and the damage I did to my life overall could've been reduced, but I am happy I've finally reached my quitting point now than later. I guess I just wanted to remind you that its better to quit at 7 years instead of 8 because eventually you will have to. I'm glad you were able to learn quite a bit about yourself during that clean month and I hope you are establishing productive habits so your next quit is the last one. Best of luck and I genuinely hope the best for all those that come here. I personally am getting thru because of this site and the members. Today marks 38 days of being free...

@DrewK15 Yeah I may have been experiencing PAWS and not fully realizing it, I briefly read up on it and maybe the high levels of stress led me to the full on rage/anger, irritability, and the host of other things that PAWS can consist of. I've had a few bad work weeks/days like the one last week over the last 5 years except this time I didn't have drugs nor the desire at all to take them so my brain reacted poorly (as in the increased stress levels triggered my brain to take something but I wouldn't so it didn't know how to act, PAWS!!). Who knows....but I will say it was a rough week and I hope I am able to handle them better in the future and it sounds like with enough time I will be able to. Thanks DrewK15! Gonna go outside and ride my bike to help my mood and hopefully start losing some of this extra weight I've gained! -Currently day 36

@Aurora29 Glad to hear your okay and congrats on 2 weeks!! Those are some great quotes to hang onto. Keep us up to date! GL - Currently day 36

@Aurora29 Hope things are still going good for you. I've been super busy the past week and pretty fatigued by the end of the day cause of it so wasn't on the site so much over the weekend...Keep it up!! - Currently day 36

@JacobHonestly I feel like this past week has been harder than the first 4 weeks. Idk if the initial "excitement" of quitting wore off after I hit the 30 day mark because 2.5 years ago when I hit 30 days I felt amazing (granted that was over 2.5 years ago and alot more drug abuse has happened since then) but when I hit 30 days this time I actually felt crappy. I'd like to bring up the fact that it was a rough work week last week and even my coworker(he doesn't do drugs) was pretty burned out on all the clients we had calling in with issues. SO, maybe thats why I was feeling down too, even if I was on adderall it would've been stressful due to the stupidity/ignorant levels of people. In a recent post somebody stated that the 2nd month was easier than the 1st month and I was excited about getting into the 5+ week mark but now I'm beginning to realize that my recovery may not be like theirs. I'm kind of glad to see you mention that 1-3 months were tougher than the first week and you were afraid of losing your mind around month 2 because I've been hard on myself for not being better and being more active and its depressing. My wife reminds me tho that I'm still early in recovery and to take it easy on myself because its not gonna help anything. (She doesn't fully know what I'm going thru but atleast shes positive and wants to help). Luckily, I've read this site long enough to know that this is a long term recovery and it doesn't happen over night. Everyone is different but I honestly thought I would be "good" by now and that was wishful thinking. On a positive note, I have not craved or even thought once about taking meds, I remind myself that they do not fix anything and I quit them in the first place for multiple reasons. Well I better get back to it and your post has seriously been a big help. -Currently day 36

Congrats on the 6th month mark!! I'm on day 35 and been extremely busy the past few days and feel pretty fatigued along with having memory loss issues so reading this post was a great thing just now. I thankfully have no desire to go back on stimulants even though last week was insane at work and I had some weird anger/rage issues going on. I weirdly keep thinking I should be "better" by now cause I feel like I've been in recovery for months already. I realize I got a long ways to go and the only way to get better is to not take anything. Congrats and thank you for posting!!! It helps reassure those of us in early recovery that things will get better!!

Welcome to the Forum, your story sounds similar to a lot of people that come to this site for help and I hope you're able to find some here. Adderall/Vyvanse is a terrible drug that makes you instantly fall in love with it and then treats you like complete crap later on, basically a toxic relationship but this one is actually killing you. Just remember that at this point in your usage your life may already be falling apart and will get worse if you continue taking the drug. Read through the forums and see that there is not just light but a whole new sense of freedom at the end of the tunnel....even though right now it may just feel like more tunnel. I'm on day 30 for the 2nd time, after abusing for 5+ years tomorrow morning will mark the longest time I have been off stimulants since I got prescribed them. I've attempted to quit more times than I can count but this time my attitude is completely different (not sure how to explain the overwhelming urge to move on past this point in my life but its there). I'm embracing the journey to being free from this drug and recognizing the damage it has done to me everyday due to the way I'm feeling in the recovery from it. Just realize that one day you will no longer be able to stay on this medication and it only gets worse as the years go by....relapses can/do happen but you have to WANT to quit instead of "hoping" you can quit. Just know that I meant that in a nice calm tone and not being rude lol. Congrats on day 8 and good luck!!! check in whenever! Currently day 30 and grateful for this site and the members

@amcardwell Congrats on day 48! Keep it up and good job on not giving into that 5mg. I'm looking forward to reading more about your recovery since your further ahead. Also, I'm beginning to realize that drugs may have given me a false "love" for my job as well so I'm right there with ya. GOOD LUCK!! Currently day 29, fatigued but finding my personality more in the last few days.

Congrats!! That was an amazing post to read and reassures me that I will eventually get to a better place through this process. It just takes time, awesome man! Day 28 of recovery and getting thru this Monday.

@Lawyer wow you posted nearly a minute after me about 20 minutes ago!!!, wish I would've gotten onto the site sooner to reassure you that your doing the right thing by quitting. The good times are over when it comes to taking it. It sucks to hear it and realize it but from what I read in your post it sounds like the honeymoon has been over and the drug is only gonna make you feel worse and worse as you continue taking it. I've taken it for almost 5.5 years and I finally realized that you will only get better if you listen to all those that have come before us and just quit taking it, time is the only thing that will be able to fully heal us at this point. I'm sorry to hear that your feeling some regrets from getting rid of them and it happens...I've had so many relapses that I became sure I would be on them forever and I'm still at risk of potentially going back on them because I'm human and make mistakes. That's why I'm doing things different and working my recovery to the point where I've come to terms that I will never be able to take another one again because in the past when I take "one" it would lead to more and more and things would only get worse.... Just know that you will unlikely be able to take these forever and getting clean will be one of the best accomplishments of your life. I'm really hoping this is helping cause I'm trying brother!!! Just get thru the rest of the day and chill this weekend if possible!!!

Congrats on the decision to quit!! We're not getting any younger (I'm 31) and I would always try to find the "perfect" time to quit but with the way my job is and the responsibilities there never seemed to be a "perfect" time to quit so I kept using. Sometimes you just gotta go for it and I'm glad you had the courage and strength to flush the meds and get on with your recovery sooner than later. Thankfully you already know what to expect the first few weeks since you appear to go thru it 12 times a year lol. So just take it one day at a time and hang onto the positives from all the people on here that have years of clean time and promise that it does get better eventually...I've seen it personally with my best friend who is coming up on 4 years clean and he told me all the time that its worth it to quit. Now I've finally decided to listen to those that HAVE been there and done that and I couldn't be more excited to begin the long process of putting all this crap behind me. I'm on day 25 right now, I worked a pretty rough morning at a humid and hot tower site repairing issues that I "always" needed meds to fix...now I'm just forcing my butt to do it and its not that bad at all and I get it done in a reasonable amount of time without any crazy extra tweaky overthoughts. lol Well just keep coming back on here to vent or let us know how your doing. I've been coming to this site for years and never fully participated when I would "quit" and I would just avoid it entirely and say "I got this on my own". This time I'm obviously doing things way different and its helping me alot to come here and participate in the posts. I'm actually putting work into my recovery by reflecting on the past and learning from it so I can help my future. Good luck on one of the best decisions you've made in your life!!!

@Lawyer I know the feeling of losing touch with life (kids, family, yourself, higher power) while on these meds and it sucks. I’m currently on my 24th day clean and it’s been exciting, almost like a renewed lease on life. I am unfortunately paying for my 5+ years of usage thru fatigue, short term memory loss, lack of interest in things, and reduced work productivity. On the flip side tho, in the last 24 days I haven’t felt like a zombie, felt my blood pressure shooting thru the roof, felt an overall sense of death, or any other problems the drugs caused me (which was a lot). I laugh and joke like crazy now and my son and I are like two peas in a pod and it’s awesome (wife and I are great too even tho I’ve been a lotta lazy lol). So I’m gonna say quitting has been the best thing in my life so far, even at 24 days in. I pray you can find a way to quit so you can enjoy the things that really matter in life! :-) Your work situation reminds me of myself in different ways, I currently work in the IT field at a small company and I’m heavily relied upon to perform a wide range of duties to keep the company moving forward. I would always find a way to justify my addiction and when I wasn’t on them I felt so great, but the work would pile up so I’d go back on them to catch up and the cycle continued. If it weren’t for the meds I would’ve never stayed around this long at the company cause I dislike the IT field, I know I’m only this deep in it because of how much the adderall/vyvanse made me think loved it. Now, I heavily rely on the high income to support my family. I must say tho that I’m hanging in there and doing the bare minimum and the world keeps on turning like everyone said it would. Just to feel out the situation more, what dosage are you taking and what’s the longest time you’ve been off the meds since you got prescribed them?

First off congrats on 40 days clean and congrats on becoming a father!!! It's a great experience and is truly life changing. I'm 31 years old too with a wife and a 1st grader now, and I'm the only person at my company that does the job I do and I'm HEAVILY depended on which can be good and bad at times in recovery. I started taking adderall and vyvanse at 25 and within a few months was abusing them. I've also abused tramadol for the last 2.5 years on top of the adderall so that made things a little tougher cutting BOTH of them out. I'm sorry to hear the struggle your going thru. I feel like I've seen other members on here over the years that shared the 10+ years of (non-abusing)use like you and may be more qualified to answer your actual questions than me, I'm only on day 22 of recovery myself so it would probably mean more coming from a senior member .lol. I really hope that some are able to chime in to answer those questions for ya. From my own experience, once you get to that point where the pills negative effects outweigh the positive then its pretty much not a viable option anymore. It only seems to get worse from then on out when taking them. I wasted so many precious moments with my son by not fully being there as a dad he needed cause my blood pressure was crazy high and I was like a weird zombie. I also learned that parenting only gets more difficult the older they get so obviously just stay the course with recovery from adderall and bite the bullet now. Know that you got someone cheering for you on this site as well!! Good luck!!

@idkanymore well I’m finishing up my day 20. Just checking in and I hope your weekend was good. This week should be a big one for ya in recovery! There is always support here when you need it. Best of luck!

Glad to hear you got thru the day without taking meds and it sounds like that’s a great friend to have supporting you going forward. You’ve done it once before and you can do it even better this time cause you learned something from it. I was actually in a treatment center (for alcohol) for 30 days back in 2012 and heard so many stories from all types of users. What I learned is people make mistakes, some more than others, and you can’t focus on the guilt or shame of a relapse. It’s just part of recovery sometimes. All you can do is learn from it and focus on moving forward cause the guilt will just make it worse and you can’t change what’s been done. Just focus on getting thru one hour at a time at work tomorrow and you will feel so rewarded when you get done. You got this!!! And my day was not perfect, I was pretty fatigued, but I’m just paying my dues for over 5 years of abuse. Better than being a slave to the drug tho. Good luck!!!

@Geometric11 Hope things are going okay for you today...I know exactly what your going thru cause I've done it so many times. Feel free to vent, just know I'm rooting for ya and sending good vibes your way!!! I'm day 20 today which has seemed impossible for the past couple years. I'm just taking it one day at a time and enjoying my Sunday as a clean person and its not perfect but its better than being tweaked out anyday!!! Hang in there!!

DISCLAIMER: Some of this post is me venting which helps me deal with my struggles as well, hope it isn't too long and helped you in some sort of way. I abused adderall and vyvanse for over 5 years and as you saw in my other post I'm currently on my 19th day clean. I've "quit" numerous times over the years and most of the time I would get 2-3 weeks in and cave. The longest I went without taking anything was 30 days back in November of 2016. I remember feeling so amazing that November and ready for a change but I somehow had that urge come over to take one from a friend right before we were going to Vegas. We were actually at the airport and the urge hit me so suddenly that its hard to explain how intense the feeling was, the addiction literally hijacked my brain in a matter of seconds and threw everything positive out the door . It's insane to think how I was completely fine and excited about the trip and without it being offered or anything the thought raced into my head "this would be even more exciting if I were on addie, this isn't natural to be this happy" and its like I blacked out or something cause I asked if they had any and if I could have one. Without a second thought I popped it and came too, it was a horrible feeling after I swallowed it followed by an amazing feeling 30 minutes later and asking myself "why did i quit in the first place? this stuff is great"....fast forward a few hours and I had so much remorse/guilt and felt like a failure. Barely enjoyed the vacation and was a zombie and continued to take them when there and after I got back from the trip. Today is the longest I've been off meds since that quit in November of 2016. I've tried numerous times to quit since then but never had the same desire to quit like I do now because I felt so deflated from how easily I gave in to my addiction. As you can tell I still remember that day at the airport and how amazing I felt before the urge came on and how ruined I felt after taking it. I have finally held onto those memories and use them as a learning experience to counter my addictive thoughts when they start. Sooooo... everyone goes thru recovery differently. My buddy has been clean for almost 4 years and made recovery seem so easy yet I couldn't find the strength to quit. It was kind of disheartening for me to see him breeze right thru the weeks, months, and years even though he abused pills worse than I did before he quit. I almost became convinced that I would be on them till they killed me. Thankfully on the night of July 29 I convinced myself again that I can do this and that my life has only gotten worse from being on meds. In the past I would stop taking them and not work my recovery and by that I mean not come to this site, not reflect on why I quit, not count my days, not do anything to help build up a foundation for a post adderall life. This time I'm doing things differently and have my own lessons to reflect back upon that caused me to relapse when i get that craving. In conclusion, recovery is not the same for everyone and is an ongoing process. People have different situations, emotions, and rock bottoms and these all play a major part in getting clean. Some of us are able to quit once and some have to go thru more hell than others. ONE thing we ALL have in common is that we cannot use this terrible drug again cause it only leads to pain and misery.

I'm halfway thru Day 19 and doing good. I'll probably start my own post in the next 11 days instead of taking over @idkanymore's lol. Today is Saturday and like much of the south it is freaking hot outside and I'm staying inside. I work outside during the week and its been rough with temperatures being so high, its amazing how the stimulants would allow me to work in the heat without thinking about it as long as I stayed hydrated (I experienced rhabdomyolysis my first year of taking meds and I know I only got it because of them allowing me to over work myself). So its been tough this week getting thru work but I must say that the abundance of sunshine this early in recovery may be helping with potential depression feelings that come from stimulant withdrawal. In the past I would try to quit in the winter time to make work easier but I felt worse emotionally which may have been due in part to the winter weather/shorter days. So far this week my cravings have not been there at all, its been quite a unique experience to not constantly think about pills. Any work issues that come up I just get thru them as best as possible along with dealing with the kiddo going back to school. I have however felt very fatigued the past 3 days but thankfully I know why I'm feeling this way (withdrawal and heat) and I know that one day things will get better as long as I stay the course. I've also been watching a lot of the Intervention show on Hulu, I never wanted to before cause it would make me feel bad about my problems or convince myself that I'm not as bad as those people so I got my problem under control. I watch it now and it gives me a sense of hope, especially when I see how much they transform after treatment (3-4 months after their intervention) and hoping that I see them still sober at the end of the episode. I cheer for them so much that I'm now cheering myself on and it feels amazing to have this drive to better myself finally. I know this mightve been scatterbrained but I hope I got my feelings across. Overall, I feel so much better mentally and psychically. I've given myself a second chance at life and I get to experience it now with a renewed sense of the world. To anybody out there currently struggling, it may be scary to quit but its totally worth it!!!

Well I’m at the end of day 13 and thankfully still going strong, I’ve had a few urges and it appears that I may have actually learned something from all those failed attempts to quit in the past cause I quickly recognize the craving and extinguish it before it leads to anything bad. Basically after a minute I end up with the conclusion that taking something is not the answer and I won’t get better if I do. Time is the only thing that will heal me at this point and I’m finally understanding that! @idkanymore How are you doing? Since your a week ahead of me i look forward to seeing your posts! Lol.

I’m in early recovery, day 9 today, and your post brings me hope and reassurance that life can be and is better off this terrible drug. Congratulations on the 15 months and thank you for hopping on and checking in on here, you helped me just now and probably many others. Thanks!!!

@Speeder906 that was an awesome post to read! Very encouraging for those in the early stages of recovery. Hope everything has continued going strong for you and in that case you would be past the 1 year mark. Hope all is well!

Congrats on the month clean! I was slightly confused by part of your post when you said “score more speed”, are you getting back on your script or was that a typo?