William

Thanks Frank. I tried melatonin last night. Got maybe 3-4 hours. Don't think it did much. I'm going to pick up some Zquil. I don't think that's to be ashamed of. If it makes me able to survive this period so be it. I can't keep going like this. The sleep depervation alone would make a non recovering person insane. I'm hanging on by such a small string and scared to death.

Congrats on making it so long. You are an inspiration. I'm so worried that by suggesting this I might alienate myself, but do you use prayer at all? I find that it is what makes the difference for me when I just can't stand another minute on my own. Keep on looking forward! You are doing amazing! Good luck and God Bless!

Lord help me. You are my salvation....

Ok. I've figured out how to use the full screen version on my phone. Sorry for confusion!!

I use my phone for this forum because my lap top is a POS and won't stay online. So I can't figure out how to "like" what someone posts using my phone😖 For the record I check this site obsessively and LIKE every post on here. It's probably keeping me alive. Thanks to everyone who is apart of this lifeline.

Thanks Zerokewl. Even though I read old posts from others over and over about their 6 month timeline battles with crushing anxiety, when I'm in the grips of hell hour after hour with hardly a 5 minute break, my brain can't process what I've read to the extent I actually believe it or something... Sorry not sure I'm making any damn sence about it! I agree about all these sciency F'ing words! I'm sure it was my issues with depression that ended me up married to addy. Which plays into the whole torture chamber going through this. That voice that try's to tell me I'm F'd no matter what I do or how long I last off that shit! But I cling to memories of short periods of relief where I'm not to dizy to drive a car or make repairs to things for work, and in that moment I find hope... Like this moment right now. God how I wish I could make these moments last longer.

Thank you Dufman. Thank you for sharing your story and your daily journey. I'm overwhelmed with gratitude and literally holding back tears as I type. I'm so impressed with your strength and your ability to express the complexities of this hell in ways I and others I'm sure can understand. What a great thing that you're going into a career helping others HEAL. I know you're going to make it! All of us here are going to make it. What a true blessing that we can lean on each other through the darkest periods of this hell on earth. Life on adderall was surrounded with poor decisions and often hanging around others who were all about the party... It feels incredible to talk on here with others that are committed to turning their life around, and to helping others do the same. Keep doing what your doing duffman! I have no doubt you are the rock of your relationship. I wish you the very best as you start your next rotation! Remember to take time for yourself whenever possible to recharge! Peace

Thank you so much😊 I'm so glad you have been feeling better. You answered my cry for help and it made all the difference. The pendulum example is very comforting too. I'm so ready for that thing to swing out of the depths of despair

Thank you bluemoon I've been in tears for days so sure I'll never be at peace again. You are a life saver. I've read all posts I can about 6 months but sometimes it just doesn't sink in or I feel that I'm some how different and not making it. Getting your post back has littraly brought my anxiety attack under control. I don't know to express myself but thank you. How are you doing? I'm so sorry not to ask. I hope that things are steadily better for you. You have been such an amazing help to me and countless others I'm sure.

So much pain every minute just crawling by. How can this happen when I thought the worst part was over. Barely sleep more then 3 hours at a time. Start to drift off only to come to with almost panic. Please someone tell me this will pass.

"...Clutter piles and sacks of sacks of stupid stuff" How freaking funny! Another common thread of us past addyholics. Takes me back to a time when I was wondering around in the hardware isles so long at a big box store an employee asked me if I was a "secrete shopper" sent by corporate. Lol! Probably went there for something simple and left with enough crap to build a time traveling machine.

Good insight. Always helps to find something else on the positive side of this. thought I was headed along those lines until recently. Just need the anxiety/panic to ease the heck up already. Never did I have "panic/anxiety attacks" before adderall. It's been the most difficult part of this whole deal. So tired from lack of sleep. But try to sleep and get overtaken with anxiety. It's a special kind of hell to be sure. Frank did you have episodes like this?

So sorry about your dog Frank.

Thanks so much quit-once. I'm so grateful for the encouragement. I plan on taking it real easy over the weekend. Probably just watch tv and eat comfort foods...

Thank you so much for the encouragement bluemoon. I'm forever grateful. I agree that the truth can be a lot to swallow for some. But others honesty on here has helped me stay prepared and realistic.

Today I celebrate 6 months off Adderall. The last couple of weeks have been miserable. Horrendous anxiety, trouble sleeping, and mind games... But looking at posts throughout time on the forum I know this is not unheard of. I just hope and pray the coming weeks will bring some relief. How many times can it be said; oh how I wish I never got mixed up in this nightmare. I hope I'm not discouraging others. Just telling like it is for me. Everyone has their own journey, and I hope the best for all of us suffering through this.

Great stuff Duffman. I got to say, it's really a powerful encouragement to see you recover at a strong pace. It's a reminder to all of us to remember to take inventory of our actual changes and accomplishments as we heal, as apprised to JUST looking at a time line, which I tend to do... I find making small talk produces far less anxiety when I remind myself that it's not supposed to be earth shattering or deep thinking... Damn adderall made everything an opportunity to show a deeper understanding, a higher awareness, etc. What a waste of energy! Turns out of course most people aren't looking to solve cold fusion at every opportunity... So I take the pressure off myself by NOT thinking about some witty or insightful response. Instead I now just let the other person "lead" the discussion. Offerring authentic, yet benign, comments every so often. Keep up the great work and good luck with clinical rotations!!

Some very cool posts. I'm in a bit of a cognitive fog last 24 hours or so. I get so frustrated with this "non-linear" recovery but wanted to chime in. Great stuff about the general state of society with respect to all the ways one can wind up being labeled and or truly experiencing depression, anxiety, paranoia, etc... I haven't read Sebastsin Jungers (The Perfect Storm) newest book "Tribe" yet, but from what I understand it's an extremely insightful look at the very issues mentioned above, but looks at them most exclusively through the eyes of vets returning from war. I believe that the main premis is that it's our current societal beliefs and ways of "rugged individualism" that make it so tough for the vets to re-integrate into "main-stream" society. More so then trying to forget the atrocities of war! It turns out that battle forces people to work together, develope deep loyalty and trust of your fellow man, share the burden of others (including those who are injured!) and countless other traits which at one point in time were fundamental principles of any successful community. But as we all know have next to Zero value in the modern world. So what much of what gets labeled PTSD, is really a soldiers utter despair at the loss of shared mission, comraderey, loyalty, and dare I say love, once returning home. The current medical practice seems to be dispense whatever combination of drugs that will either mimic the above emotions, or more likely dull ones awareness to them. I'm not trying to say there isn't PTSD as most have come to define it! Please don't think I'm insensitive to the horrors of war. I'm deeply grateful to our veterans. My job, though part-time for now, serves a great many veterans. I just thought so much of what was being said above effects veterans so much, and it would be great to see more information and awareness shared about what so many of these returning men and woman truly long for. God bless

Well said duffman. One of the very few things I'm able to look forward to is my exercise routine. It is very LOW impact; walking on a treadmill at a local church's fitness center. I do this most every evening with my wife. It does several things. Gets me the hell out of the house, exposes me to other people, and reminds me I'm capable of sticking with something without some damn pill pushing me... With respect to starting and completing small tasks around the house. On addy I was a one man cleaning/fixing machine. I jumped into most all chores without a thought. Which left my children all smiles of course; dad was doing their chores... Part of what has helped me slowly get back to doing things around the house is creating a list of who does what! I know this sounds oversimplified, but it's amazing how much it helps to "spell out" what's your responsibility, and that of others in the house. God bless

I think most drugs either "concentrate" or "deaden" our life experiences. So there are times on drugs you feel enlightened and other times when it's difficult to form a single complex thought. So taken collectively perhaps an individual who has spent many years on meds/drugs compares reasonably with a non-user with respect to how life's experiences impact who we are. In other words, short of the relatively rare cases where an individual over doses on drugs to the extent they lose consciousness and starve their brain of oxygen, I don't think the effects of drug use, Adderall in this case, are at all irreversible. The brain is so far beyond our comprehension in all catagories...best perhaps in its ability to return to base-line. Peace

Sounds like that evil little voice is making a run at you Frank... Don't be deceived! It's so tempting to want to entertain ideas of all the things you might be doing if you had more energy. But Adderall damn sure wouldn't have that for you at this point. I know you're not ever going to use it again, but I think it can be counter productive or out right dangerous to even get into the mental dialog. Bottom line is you are kicking ass. You got me and countless others looking to you for strength. Because you are demonstrating what winning over this God forsaken drug looks like. Sleeping late is what weekends are for! We X-addy addicts need constant reminding that we are simple mortals, not F'ing machines. It's all that you are as a drug free Dad that makes you a superhero to your children. Please never lose sight of this truth. God bless

Good question. It seems Adderall just hasn't earned the negative stigma that so many other drugs have. I think people want to believe that it's somehow a "safe" drug that's primarily used by the affluent population that are believed to have their crap all in order. We here know better of course...

I can relate to "sweeping the streets..." For several Summer's I mowed the yard of my next door neighbors house and fertilized it for shits and giggles, no cash. With unlimited energy and a cold six pack I was just happy as a clam to be riding around on my tractor. I think back to the countless hours away from my family while I did stuff that had absolutely no significance. Now I stare out the window and think I might need to buy some goats to keep the grass down, cuz it seems impossible to get the motivation to MOW!

Wow. gotta say I'm feeling what bluemoon is on that timeline..😟 And I'm very sorry to hear your struggles are still lingering after such a long time buttfliesandlies! I hope and pray relief comes your way soon. NEVER give up!

Keep up the great work Danquit! One milestone turns into the next, and before long you really start to gain momentum and know that the demon can and will be conquered. Sounds like your anxiety peaks early too then gradually subsides. I think there is probably a medical/scientific explanation to it; perhaps the rise and fall of naturally occurring chemicals in the body at various times in the wake/sleep cycle. But that because the central nervous system post addy is riddled with issues to overcome, it is particularly sensitive to even the most subtle changes in chemical releases going on in the body.