NurseAddy

@Marty Sorry to read about your troubles with adderall and your marriage. I agree with @sleepystupid in that it almost gives you a split personality while high. Mine was more so “I don’t give a f*ck” while high but I definitely knew right from wrong, even when cracked out. Hopefully things will get better for you both.

@SeanW Thank you again, Cameron. I definitely have the angel and the devil on each shoulder but with support from here as well home, I’m favoring the angel. Thanks and thanks again. Really, I appreciate your time in replying to me. It helps all too much.

@SeanW Thank you for that. It’s what I needed to read for getting the courage to tell my doc not to prescribe me it anymore on Tuesday. Here’s to hoping I keep up that momentum!

@demi24 Thank you for your reply again. Sadly, I’ve flushed those bastards numerous times, just doesn’t stop me from refilling. My PCP appointment is next week and since I flushed my pills, I couldn’t get them even if I wanted to. Great idea though. I’m currently on a Keto diet or I’d LOVE to eat my emotions. What makes me happy? My life should but I’m not sure if the adderall has ruined that or if I’m missing something?

@Mark S Thank you for your reply. I can definitely relate to how it helped me knock out crazy work schedules.....until it didn’t. I thankfully haven’t experienced any anxiety or psychosis yet, but it’s not something I want to work towards either. Congratulations on being a year and a half sober. What a feat! I hope I can say the same in 2 years.

@SeanW Thank you very much for the reply. I too don’t want to have to lose everything before I realize my mistakes and my addiction. I hate Adderall as soon as I take it but it never stops me from refilling the damn thing. What gives? I can’t target why I want it nor the trigger behind the refill. I have no will power, plain and simple. I will keep fighting the addiction, nonetheless. Thank you again.

@eric Thank you for the reply! Indeed, I’m feeling a hell of a lot of guilt. That being said, I’m proud to have flushed them two days into a binge knowing it was only going to get worse. There wasn’t any other reason why I wanted to refill except that the refill was possible. Which in itself is a shame and embarrassment. It won’t be an option after I see my doc in roughly 10 days. I’m don’t with this shit. I hate my addict self. Congrats on 69 days, so amazing!

@demi24 Thank you for the response, firstly. Your timing is impeccable, in an amazing way. Sadly, after 22 days I caved when my script was due to refill. Binged two days and flushed the rest today. It’s pretty pathetic how much control the addiction has over me because I was feeling great and have great support. Didn’t matter though. The addict won again, for a short stint. I still have my PCP appt on the 15th so I’m hoping to have the strength to tell her never prescribe me it again. I appreciate your advice and thankful for the timing, Laura.

@GirlScottie Your story is much like mine, as I too remember the countdown to a refill all too well. We have all relapsed COUNTLESS times, so don’t get down on yourself for that. Better yet, get behind yourself and push towards that sobriety you’re now vested into again! You can do this! We can do this! I’m currently ‘only’ on day 13 and I can feel the life coming back into me. I laugh again, I fall asleep at normal times with my boyfriend and not zoning out everyone except the pills. Forget the past and focus on the future, without the ‘ball and chain’ of pills! Good luck!

@Collin Congrats on 11 days! I’m on day 7 here and just now starting to feel normal as well. Still battling fatigue and depression but at least I’m not cracked out. Keep at it, we can do this!

@SeanW I’m a newbie around here, but thought I’d drop a line as I know how much it helps me to hear from others on rough days. As an ER nurse, I’ve sadly seen the devastation alcohol can bring to a person both physically and mentally. I’m here to encourage that if you can kick adderall you can kick alcohol. If rehab is an option, even through an ER, go for it. If not, perhaps titrating your drinking down VERY slowly for starters? There are MANY functioning alcoholics, but it’s no way to live and sadly your body can’t handle that forever. Best wishes and good luck!

@eric Thank you! I appreciate you stopping by, it’s definitely feeling like a ‘Monday’ on this end. I’m glad to know it gets better though! Again, appreciate you stopping by! Congrats to ALMOST 50 days!

@eric Honestly, I just appreciated the reply as it can get quite lonely fighting an internal battle. It’s nice to hear from someone who’s been there and done that. Even if it is the brutal truth. I’ll take it. So thank you. Congrats to 48 days!

On day 6 and I don’t remember the depression being so prominent. Feels like I have a pit in my stomach, along with anxiety, apathy and depression. Hoping for some advice. When does this subside and is there anything you’ve done to help combat it in the meantime?

@Doge Thank you so much for the reply! I have in fact already called to cancel the script in the past, that was when I had 4 months of sobriety. However; I called thinking maybe they forgot I called and asked to have it removed from my file and low and behold, the script was at the pharmacy. Which is why I feel like I need to tell my doc to her face. So she really gets the point. I just hope I go through with it, as I’m on day two of no adderall and already wishing I had more. I hate this foggy feeling. Almost don’t feel real. In other words, congratulations on a year and a half of sobriety! What a feat! I’ve heard that once you’re an addict, always an addict which is why I fear ever being able to get ahold of it again. Kudos to you for being honest though. It must be an amazing feeling.

@sleepystupid Thank you for the encouraging post. I hope that to be true. On day one and I’m a lethargic mess. Cheers to beginning sobriety!

@eric You are absolutely right. The cycle never changes and usually worsens. I just need to cling to that thought much like you have. Congrats on 42 days! Keep it going!

@DrewK15 Thank you for the encouragement and advice! I worry that come time to tell my doc about cancelling the script, that I won’t. As it’s near the time I would refill as well. I will keep thinking positive in the meantime. May I ask, how far along are you on your sobriety? How do you specifically tame the craving dragon?

@eric Thank you for the reply as well as your words of wisdom! May I ask, is there anything recovery wise you’d recommend for long term commitment? ie therapy, meditation, exercise etc?

If you have a ‘meth face’ you’re in the right place. I write this STILL struggling with the addiction (quitting soon), but have found helpful products along the way that I wish I had known earlier. Ive always been a bit of a dermatillomania person. Adderall has exacerbated that IMMENSELY in all the wrong reasons. I also managed to contract MRSA, likely from a combination of being an ER nurse and picking my face. ALL. THE. TIME. After a couple rounds of that with multiple rounds of antibiotics, I haven’t had any more abscesses but not deal with the residual effects of cystic acne. Some natural and medicinal products I’ve found helpful along the way are listed below, hopefully someone else can benefit from my mistakes. Natural Tea tree oil, Aztec clay, charcoal, Manuka Honey (at least UMF 12+) and CBD oil. Medicinal For bacteria-Products containing salicylic acid and alcohol, Hibiclens soap, triple antibiotic ointment, Bactroban ointment (requires an rx) For inflammation-Hydrocortisone cream, ibuprofen, cold compresses, eye drops (works on eyes AND skin) For fungal-Clotrimazole cream, pyrithione zinc/Ketoconazole/coal tar shampoo (for when your scalp picking turns fungal and also travels to your face/nose creases) These are things that have worked for me, and they may not work for everyone so use per your own discretion as this is not professional medical advice. Any questions, just ask. I’ll add more as I remember. Feel free to add your own remedies as well!

@metoo Thank you for your reply! Your story sounds almost too familiar. I too feel almost normal again and for whatever reason STILL fill the script knowing I’m about to lose normality. I’m assuming the psychological win is the hardest to conquer. I have flushed mine a number of times but it never stopped me from refilling. Which is why I have to cut off the source, seeing my PCP next month to do so. Perhaps a thought for you as well? I wish you the best of luck, I hope to see you check in throughout OUR sobriety.

I can't believe it's me. I'm a drug addict, addicted to Adderall. I turned 30 this year, addicted to Adderall. I'm a registered nurse, addicted to Adderall. I just built a home with my better half, addicted to Adderall. I have the most supportive relationship, still addicted to Adderall. Two great and financially stable careers, still addicted to Adderall. I have the three most amazing and wonderful dogs with my other half, still addicted to Adderall. For me, I have a near perfect life and I should be grateful, but I'm fucking addicted to Adderall. How did this happen? I have been lurking around this forum for nearly a year now, usually towards the end of a binge when I'm really hating my decision to relapse for the 8,236 time. That was exaggerated, but still, how many times can you fuck yourself over until you're permanently damaged? My story is like many I've read on here, it's nothing unique and it follows suit with the many others struggling to kick the addiction. There’s no reason why I should feel the need to escape reality nor need my addiction to cope. I don’t need Adderall, so why do I ALWAYS want it? I was first prescribed Adderall in 2015 while in nursing school. Of course I took it as prescribed for a while, 20mg twice daily. It helped my B's go to A's on my last year of nursing school, lost weight, felt great as was happy to be alive. My mother had previously told me that I should have been on medications as a child, as I always struggled with concentration during tests but she was weary of medication side effects being a nurse as well. When I think back on why I sought out a script in the first place, deep down I don't believe it was ever for the intended reason. My sister a couple months prior, had a couple Adderall on her during a vacation that she offered me, I took them and IMMEDIATELY was enthralled with the feeling I got from them. If I could go back now, I wish I had refused her offer as I believe that is what started my hunger for Adderall, while my studies were just the excuse and if it helped my grades as well, then so be it. As always though, all good things must come to an end. Fast forward to today, I've been on Adderall 5 years, taking it as prescribed for three and abusing it heavily for the last two. Now days, I blow through my script in about 7-10 days, taking upwards of 140-160mg daily until I run out, crash and burn. Like many, when it comes time to refill the script, I think "I'll take it as prescribed this time..." I think the sober me desperately wishes to believe that, but the addict me is already too excited that it's refill time that I subconsciously know what's about to happen. I guess the addict just wants the fix. The longest period of sobriety that I've gone is 4 months, but what thought crossed my mind one day when sober me was weak and wanted to believe the addict? Yeah, that was a disappointing relapse. Lately I've just come to accept that when it's refill time, I'm going to be cracked out of half the month and sober half the month with a period in-between really hating my life choices. I hate the yo-yo- effect. I hate staying up for days on end, thinking I'll just take ANOTHER pill to make up for the lack of sleep. I hate the leg cramps and muscle twitches. I hate the dry mouth, ulcers and canker sores everywhere. I hate that I have let this addiction lead to receding gums. I love going to the dentist and yet here I am willingly fucking up the smile I've spent thousands on to look great. I hate that I pick my face and scalp apart so well I could likely be mistaken for a meth addict. It's sad that during the 3-4 hours spent in front of the mirror every night carving craters in my face, that I know I'm ruining my face, possibly permanently. I hate that my libido has been MIA for almost a year now. I hate that I choose my drug over my significant other. I hate that I know he deserves better, if not a better me. I hate that I look forward to coming home from work, just to find the bottle to take one more pill. I hate that I'm chasing after a feeling I'll NEVER find again. I hate that I ever tried these fucking pills. I hate myself for not being stronger than a fucking drug. I hate that I choose a pill for happiness. Now I'm scared shitless that WHEN I quit for good, I'll never be able to feel the same again. I write this almost groveling for help. Lurking hasn't apparently worked, so I'm hoping posting my story will. I will run out of Adderall tomorrow, and I know the crash all too well. What I don't know is what forever off Adderall is like. Even off Adderall for four months, I felt very depressed and my libido hadn't returned in the slightest. I have my annual primary care appt next month, and I will tell her to discontinue my script, forever. I'm scared shitless. I'm scared I will forever crave this feeling. I'm scared I will forever compare my happiness to that of Adderall. I'm scared I will fail, again. I'm fucking scared. But, I hope in the process, I can begin to love myself again and be a better person for myself and everyone around me. That is the least I could do. It's just all so surreal sometimes. I can't believe I'm here. I can't believe it's me, the drug addict. Any and all long term commitment tricks and tips are welcome and highly requested! Please!