Civilengr2020
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Posts posted by Civilengr2020
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Thank you everyone for your comments and advice. I sometimes forget that my brain took a lot of abuse for 15 years and 18 months is probably just the beginning on my healing. Knowing from others that it just keeps getting better after a couple of years, really does bring some fresh hope into my life. I will keep fighting and continue on this journey of healing.....thank you all and God Bless!
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Just wanted to vent a bit and say that I have been feeling a bit depressed for the past few weeks and months. Its been 18 months since I quit cold turkey and I feel that I have made very slow progress in my professional life. It is still very difficult to get motivated to work and advance on projects. I still do the work but sometimes I feel miserable inside. I am a professional licensed engineer but I cant seem to get my confidence back where it used to be. I'm always doubting myself and my designs and just simply don't feel that passion I used to feel. Lately I have been having thoughts of getting back on the vyvanse but the fact that my old doctor left out of town and my new doctor has never prescribed vyvanse has literally made it difficult to get a prescription if I really wanted to. So in that sense, it is good that I have a new doctor. But I'm frustrated and really don't know what more to do to make better progress at work. I feel very happy that I was able to accomplish this great task of quitting vyvanse but sometimes I truly do feel if it was even worth it. Sorry I don't mean to discourage anyone. This is just my individual experience and everyone is different. I am just going through a rough time right now.
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Hey @guupo
Thanks for sharing. My is story is similar in that I got panic attacks for believing I would not be able to do my work without the pills. After almost 1.5 years of quitting, I still get anxiety and go through days or weeks of unproductiveness but I still don't give in. Eventually I get the work done but it is still hard to focus without the pills.
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The following is from one of my old posts and its how I felt about 5 months into my new drug free life:
- I have experienced almost every single one of the common withdrawal symptoms on this site but ALL of them were manageable. (Michael Scott was really helpful during these times...lol)
- The first month sucked and going back to work sucked but my motivation has been coming back slowly but its there.
- I still have anxiety 2 or 3 days of the week but the first months were pretty bad. I only had 1 or 2 good days for the first couple of months but slowly started getting better days.
- PAWS is very real but all the tips they give on the website work, you just have to find the right ones for you.
- Food cravings and extreme hunger were under control after about one month. My hunger levels are now normal and I'm able to have a healthy diet. My weight on Vyvanse was at around 175 lbs and gained about 20 pounds after I quit. I'm now back down to 175 and even have a healthier diet than before. What really helped me was walking 4 miles everyday and doing intermittent fasting to get back to my normal weight. Now that my weight is back to normal, I feel that my food cravings are even more under control than when I was on the drugs. (UPDATE: I'm now at 165 lbs and have never felt better. Look into intermittent fasting....it changed my life.)
- I quit drinking alcohol 100% which I personally think everybody should do. Alcohol does nothing good for your mind and body and I believe someone in our situation should not be drinking something that will alter your mood. A lot of the stories that I read about relapses have been during or after an alcohol binge.
- I've had about 5 major breakdowns in which I wanted to get back on the drugs and they all had to do with stress from work. I pulled through them and was able to overcome the stress by coming to this website and getting support from my wife. It is because of these situations that you need a strong support group to bring you back to reality when those difficult times sneak into your life when you least expect them.
- My only advice is not to give up.....there is light at the end of the tunnel. Keep trying new techniques to cope with your PAWS until you find something that works.
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Congratulations and don't give up. I'm gonna be honest....its not going to be easy and it will get harder but your mind is stronger than your body and with enough motivation and persistence you will be able to quit. My 1 year sober anniversary is coming up and I was on a 70 mg Vyvanse binge that lasted 15 years and I'm still working on getting used to not using the drug. ( You can check my first post under my profile to read my story) Your post acute withdrawal syndrome (PAWS) will be intense the first few months but will diminish gradually. My PAWS manifests mostly as anxiety and minor panic attacks caused by my new drug free work life and it mostly goes away within a day. The frequency of these "attacks" is greatly reduced as the months go by. Its uncomfortable but doable. At the end of the day its the best thing I could have done and I'm grateful to God that I have been able to do this. Don't give up.....pray and keep strong! God Bless!
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@sweetupbaaby don't loose hope and as long as you keep trying and learn from your mistakes you will be fine. Also don't forget about God. At the end of the day, he is the only one that will help you get through these tough times. I will be praying for your recovery!
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I'm sorry you are going through this. You will be in my prayers and hopefully everything goes well in your life. God Bless you!
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5 hours ago, DrewK15 said:
@speedracer I deleted all of my social media accounts right after I got into recovery due to struggles with comparison. I would get downright depressed watching all of my friends travel, get married and start their families while I recovered from my life wreckage. Plus is so addictive. I don’t have a source on this statement, but I’ve heard it said some of the same minds that design slot machines consult with Silicon Valley to make social media more addictive. I’m confident saying social media is making your ADD tendencies in the rest of your life worse.
I don’t watch the news. I maybe veer towards keeping my head in the sand too much, but I am fully aware of the important issues in our society without constantly filling my mind with it. Politics is like the new religion of the 21st century and I am not interested in it. I think it’s important to have a basic understanding of what is going on in the world, but at some point I think you just have to shrug and concede it’s out of your control. I’ll perform my civic duty and vote based on a couple issues that matter to me and then move on with my life.
I don’t feel much stress from what’s going on in the world I think in part from the attitudes I take and my habit of unplugging from it all. Take a couple weeks off from social media and news, focus on your wife, and I think you’ll be able to answer your last question for yourself.
Awesome advice @DrewK15...I seem to have the same issues and have been debating with myself whether or not Facebook, twitter, and Instagram, are the last remaining drugs in my life I need to quit in order to be truly sober. i have been vyvanse and alcohol free for six months now but have found myself increasing my anxiety levels by looking too much at my social media. I will be giving it a try.
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Congratulations on being able to bring your dose down to a more manageable level. One of my greatest fears was and still is failing to perform at work without Vyvanse but its something I'm slowly getting over. My profession is that of a civil engineer which involves a lot of creative work with some moderate amount of abstract thinking as well. I'm not going to lie.....taking Vyvanse did allowed me to go above and beyond for many years at my job but once the benefits peaked, it kept me from progressing and growing into a more responsible, mature engineering manager. That being said, deep down inside I knew I couldn't advance my career unless I was willing to let go of those horrible chains and finally become who I was meant to be. Never ever give up even if you struggle to keep up and eventually you will cross the abyss and see your new self free from the chains of this drug. Its gonna hurt.....its gonna be tough but it will get better. Remember that awesome 80's classic rock song from the Rocky movie...…... "There's no easy way out....There's no shortcut home"
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Well...its been five months since I quit a 15 year addiction on Adderall/Vyvanse and just wanted to share a quick update on how I am handling this new phase in my life. I'm not much of a writer so I will summarize my experience with the bulleted points below:
- I have experienced almost every single one of the common withdrawal symptoms on this site but ALL of them were manageable. (Michael Scott was really helpful during these times...lol)
- The first month sucked and going back to work sucked but my motivation has been coming back slowly but its there.
- I still have anxiety 2 or 3 days of the week but the first months were pretty bad. I only had 1 or 2 good days for the first couple of months but slowly started getting better days.
- PAWS is very real but all the tips they give on the website work, you just have to find the right ones for you.
- Food cravings and extreme hunger were under control after about one month. My hunger levels are now normal and I'm able to have a healthy diet. My weight on Vyvanse was at around 175 lbs and gained about 20 pounds after I quit. I'm now back down to 175 and even have a healthier diet than before. What really helped me was walking 4 miles everyday and doing intermittent fasting to get back to my normal weight. Now that my weight is back to normal, I feel that my food cravings are even more under control than when I was on the drugs.
- I quit drinking alcohol 100% which I personally think everybody should do. Alcohol does nothing good for your mind and body and I believe someone in our situation should not be drinking something that will alter your mood. A lot of the stories that I read about relapses have been during or after an alcohol binge.
- I've had about 5 major breakdowns in which I wanted to get back on the drugs and they all had to do with stress from work. I pulled through them and was able to overcome the stress by coming to this website and getting support from my wife. It is because of these situations that you need a strong support group to bring you back to reality when those difficult times sneak into your life when you least expect them.
- My only advice is not to give up.....there is light at the end of the tunnel. Keep trying new techniques to cope with your PAWS until you find something that works.
Well there it is. Hopefully my summary helps and I will come back with more updates after my Six Month mark. Take care and God Bless everybody!
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@neilrealdeal don't worry about the relapse. It happens to all of us and all you need to do is keep moving forward because there is nothing else you can do but to move forward towards the person you want to become. I might be wrong on this but could it be that you have an alcohol problem? It was for me and my life did not really changed until I was able to stop drinking alcohol for good. Even after I quit the amphetamines, alcohol was a huge problem for me and there was just no other option but to quit 100%. That being said, I recommend you get some sort of help to deal with this. I came across these videos https://www.youtube.com/user/AlcoholMasteryTV and for me it was the best thing I could find on quitting alcohol. Its different than Alcoholics Anonymous in that you are not a slave to an illness for the rest of your life. You actually stop drinking and start living and loving life to the fullest without even thinking about alcohol after a while. Also, don't forget about your spiritual life which is the most important thing in your recovery.......remember that God loves you and that He will never put you in a situation which you cannot endure or handle. Don't loose hope, pray, fight, and keep moving forward to the person you want to become. God Bless you!
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2 hours ago, JennyF said:
Hi @Civilengr2020, congrats on 5 months!
I did experience a LOT of mental fog, super low motivation and wasn’t able to concentrate months 1 - 9 (with a few good days here and there) I did the absolute minimum at work. I decided that I wasn’t going to feel bad about it because my recovery was and still is my number 1 priority. Two things that helped me were accepting the situation, lowering my productivity expectations (as this is a temporary process), and taking advantage of the productive days/times to get as much done as I could.
I am still forgetful at times but nothing like before. It does get better but you need to give it at least a year. All of those symptoms you mention is just your brain trying to adjust without the drug. I have felt them all and I was so so discouraged thinking that’s how I was going to feel for the rest of my life but it wasn’t. I hit 13 months 2 days ago and I feel a million times better. Although not 100% just yet.
I try to stay super close to this forum and read posts from older members. That helped me realize that I wasn’t losing my mind. Read up @Cassie posts. She’s no longer active but she shared a lot of useful information.
You got this! You’re almost half way through the worst. Keep going!
Thank you Jenny....I appreciate your comment. I'll definitely be reading @cassie posts. Have a great day!
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Hello....first of all I'm not a medical doctor nor healthcare provider of any kind but wanted to share a personal experience that might help answer your questions...my wife actually has gone through this (iron deficiency) and was able to get it resolved. Her gynecologist determined that the low energy and labored breathing came from her iron deficiency which was being caused by heavy bleeding during her menstrual cycles. This was from some large uterine fibroids which were taken care of by going through a procedure that made them smaller. Now her menstrual cycles/iron levels are back to normal which also resulted in getting her energy levels and breathing back to normal. So to answer your question, yes iron deficiency may cause extreme fatigue and labored breathing. That being said, it is extremely important you get this checked out with a good doctor to figure out why you are loosing iron in the first place and determine how to fix your problem. Hope this helps....let me know if you have any questions. God Bless you!
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Thank you for posting this @JennyF you made me feel much better...........I 'm on Month 5 of quitting a 15 year Vyvanse addiction and it feels like an eternity. My lack of motivation and confidence at work have been pretty hard on me these past few days. I feel so unproductive and get panic attacks just thinking this might be permanent. I do have good days when I'm productive but sometimes weeks go by without good days so I get frustrated. Then this is followed by me feeling that I have become a lazy bum when I have done many great projects before. I'm surviving my job with the bare minimum but I still get depressed that I'm no longer "superman". Question: Have you experienced mental fog/forgetfulness/extreme distractions as part of your PAWS? Since I took my meds for so long, I can't remember if this is actually my old self (ADHD) or simply PAWs just doing its thing?
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6 hours ago, Tom23Jones said:
It definitely comes and goes. Recovery is not a linear process, especially 40 days in. Its going to be a roller coaster for a few months but you'll keep seeing improvements over time.
Thank you for the response.....I feel much better now.
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16 hours ago, DrewK15 said:
I’m sorry you’re have a rough day, and congrats on 40 days. You may feel unproductive, but it sounds like you’re holding down a job. Are you at risk of getting fired due to poor performance? As long as your getting by I wouldn’t worry too much about that right now. Staying clean has to be your first priority. The motivation issues and sadness/depression could be PAWS. Or you could simply be experiencing real life again. Sometimes you have bad days or weeks, and they do come and go. It sounds like overall you’re doing pretty well, it’s going to be ok if you just stay the course!
Cancel the appointment or be honest with your doctor. You decided to quit. Tell your doctor why and ask respectfully that they no longer prescribe you Vyvanse/Adderall. If you keep options open for getting more pills, you’ll probably relapse. It’s not complicated, cut off your supply and don’t look back.
Thank you for the response. Yes...I'm currently working as an engineer and project manager and its definitely a challenge keeping up with the demands. I'm not at risk of getting fired but it seems like I have to work two to three times as hard even to just do simple tasks like emails or letters and I just get discouraged not knowing how long this will go on. Tbh I do have good days which is when I get most of my stuff done and I just coast on the other days. I'm scared to tell my doctor the truth but I know its something I have to do. Your responses actually made me feel better...Thank you!
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Today has not been a good day. After 40 days of quitting Vyvanse I was feeling pretty good until today. The desire to take Vyvanse came back after a tremendous lack of motivation to do work mixed in with depression overcame me. It was triggered by a stressful event at work and I'm afraid I might get back on it this coming Monday since I have a scheduled doctor's appointment (scheduled prior to quitting Vyvanse). Its the first appointment since I quit vyvanse so I really don't know what to tell the doctor. I really don't understand why the sudden changes in my emotions since I was already feeling pretty good. Could this be PAWS? Does it come and go? I feel that I'm not getting anything done at work and feel so unproductive all the time. I do like my line of work but its the busy work portion of my job that is really getting to me. I pray that I am able to tough it out and just get through this without getting back on the pills.
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Hurt a lot of women/past relationships
gave me an “addictive” personality; Illegal drugs, alcohol, porn, risky behaviors
killed my spiritual life
Indifferent towards family and friends
Converted me into a scumbag version of my true self
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So I’m on day 6 of going cold turkey and feel great! I feel the withdrawal feelings are finally going away and This morning I finally felt semi normal and with an unusual amount of high energy. My hunger levels are starting to stabilize and I’m not as panicky on the whole weight gain issue. Since I was on adderall/Vyvanse for 15 years....this is all new to me and everyday I just keep feeling better and better...I’m planning on starting my healthy diet and workouts tomorrow so let’s see how that goes. i wanted to thank the creator of this site and the entire community for posting all these helpful articles and words of encouragement.....could not do it without you.....I’ll keep you all posted on my progress....stay safe and God Bless!!
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Thank you! Look forward to being part of this community!
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It’s 5am and I have not been able to go to sleep just thinking about what awaits for me the next couple of weeks and months. I know it will be hard but I understand this is what needs to be done in order for me to find true happiness. For 15 years I have depended on a pill for motivation, perseverance, career advancement, etc......but I truly hate the person I have become. So much so that I have forgotten who I really was before making the terrible decision to begin this journey back in 2005 at the age of 24. I am turning 39 in a couple of days and even though you could call me “successful”, I’m horrified by the fact that at an age where you are suppose to be at your spiritual, social, and career peak, I do not even know who I am. For these and many other reasons I have decided to quit and begin a new journey that I know is real and can call my own. These are stressful times in the world but hopefully with the help of this forum and advice from my newly found peers, I am able to find truth, happiness, and my true self at the other side of the abyss!
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Remind me that this is normal...
in General Discussion
Posted
So true....I was lucky in that my doctor moved from my hometown thus i had to find a new doctor.....knew this was the perfect opportunity to quit....been clean 18 months.