StAnne0822
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Posts posted by StAnne0822
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Two years ago I landed in the hospital for 10 days, admitted myself into an outpatient program believing I was depressed. Walked out understanding I had an addiction to Adderall. My Dr had been prescribing it to me for almost 10 years as he explained I "needed it to function". Over time, as the hospital explained to me, I recently pulled the records from my stay there, that I was experiencing hypomania, paranoia, delusional thoughts, physical issues with tremors, sweating, horrible stomach problems, believed I was "perfect" while I was plummeting to rock bottom. As I was safely and forcefully removed from the drug, received many hours of therapy I was able to feel alive again. One year prior to admitting myself into the hospital I told my primary care Dr I was "numb and unable to feel happy ", he tried giving me welbutrin that made me sick so he said just stop taking it. For years I saw him as the hospital pulled all my records and I gave him reason after reason to stop prescribing. He was my dealer for a growing addiction. Off the drug now 2 years I am successful in a job again (lost my 23 year successful career as my former boss thought I was on drugs...I was...Adderall...we have spoken extensively about my behavior she observed), I no longer shake, stomach problems are non existent, sweating only when I exert myself....I'm "normal" and well again! That drug had me believing I was Superman while it drove me to twice ready to end my life unable to understand why I couldn't sleep, couldn't shut off the noise in my brain, constant noise and voices....all gone! If you are here considering getting off Adderall, it is not easy but you can do it! Seek help, don't give up and focus on one step at a time getting away from being dependent on such an evil poison. It almost cost me my life, drove me to requiring extreme help. I pray no one reaches that point! God bless you all on this site as you consistently share what the hospital educated me on with the effects of taking Adderall daily for years. Never give up!!
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6 hours ago, Nicky_B said:
Thanks speedracer I appreciate your prayers. If my story can help one person either choose to not take adderal or permenantly stop taking adderal it would bring purpose to the pain it has brought to my family's lives. The worst part is to witness the pain that this drug can bring to your children and this is something I'm going to have work at rectifying my entire life. Some balls bounce when you drop them and others break once the hit the ground....Adderal can take the bounce out of many of your balls in life and makes them far more breakable....
Thank you for sharing and I'm sorry for all you and your family have faced. Until December of last year, when I finally hit rock bottom on prescription Adderall, I was exactly like your wife. She needs help, away from whomever is filling her prescription. I couldn't take the incessant noise, confusion, paranoia, and delusional thoughts to the point that I almost ended my life. Ended up in an inpatient program, they gave me an intervention several days in, and neither my wife or I knew that's what was causing the problems. I was out of control in my mind, they brought me back to reality and set me on a course to rehabilitation. I'm 11 months removed from Adderall, just publicly shared my story on Facebook and have had many people reach out and say they really thought something was wrong with me 4 and 5 years ago. It has been eye opening and validating that I lost control of my mind on the evil medication. Please if you have some way to do so, for your kids, get your wife into the hospital. You may save her life. God bless you and your family!!
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On 10/5/2020 at 11:19 AM, oswhid said:
Yes. He has been off almost 4 and a half years now. It is finally starting to seem like some distant nightmare.
Any advice you'd offer my wife? I've been off adderall for 11 months and no longer experiencing psychotic effects. Thank you for sharing!
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On 7/5/2017 at 2:33 PM, oswhid said:
Short answer: Yes
Search on members Oswhid (that's me) and Dadof3finallyfree
View their profiles
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My husband is almost 14 months adderall free after 11 years of use. His personality and the way he treated me changed 180 degrees when he started taking it. It was a living nightmare and that's no exaggeration. Suddenly every mistake I had made in the first 19 years of our relationship was terrible and unforgivable and anything he had done and/or was currently doing was either wiped clean or justified by my awfulness. He would dredge stuff up that he didn't even care about when it happened as some proof of why he had been in an unhappy marriage the whole time which was just crazy. Just yesterday I was thinking about two widows I know who lost their husbands and how they must feel. I reflected on how I literally felt the same way except I got to live some monstrous replacement that in some ways was worse because nobody really believed me so I had to mourn alone. By some miracle the nightmare is now over and I know how lucky I am.
Did you remain married? My wife refuses to believe adderall effected me. I spent 10 days in the hospital, requiring an intervention that she refuses to talk about. I took 30 mg xr daily for 10 years.
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@sleepystupid I am ashamed of my behavior! I know she is a victim, and I know the use of the medication became progressively worse on my brain, causing pyschotic effects that I now can look back on and say I was not normal. I've never done drugs in my life, had no idea I was high, was with a therapist for 7 weeks while I started on it and now know she gravitates to the prescription approach...completely wrong!!! I took the medication and saw my primary care physician twice a year because of my heart rate and family history of stroke, which that alone should've stopped my dr. Many other side effects were visible to him and documented in my medical records as the hospital confirmed he should've pulled me. We are both victims is my point and in a marriage, it should be a partnership in sickness and in health. I increasingly had issues thinking, being happy, became suicidal, and couldn't understand what was wrong, then each morning pop that pill and all was good, drink at night to sleep as I couldn't shut off!! I had no idea the drug was "speed", and took it as I was told I needed it, felt horrible when I didn't so I believed it. It made me believe nothing was wrong, then I look back after 10 days in the hospital in December and now 80 hours of therapy to fully understand it caused me to experience psychotic effects that grew exponentially worse and dangerous. In talking with friends who had no idea I was on a medication I now tell them and they say "that explains a lot". My wife, my kids, and I are all victims. My kids almost didn't have a father after November when I experienced an amphetamine driven break. It was hell, the drug should be banned and I hope anyone who is reading this and is married to someone taking it...get that person help and off it. If you are taking it and reading this, take a long look at yourself and your behavior and seek help....both of which I wish happened for me years ago!!! I appreciate your feedback and hope you understand there is a lot to this, but to have every physical issue resolved that I had over 10 years, all mental issues resolved, tells me my Dr was negligent for keeping me on the drug. You have no idea when you are on it that long that anything is wrong....to me everyone else was wrong for years....didn't matter what it was, I was always right and I know that isn't the truth, that was the most insidious thing the drug did to me.
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Thank you for this! My wife believes I had control when the hospital I went to has explained I experienced pyschotic effects from adderall. I was experiencing mania, paranoia, delusional thoughts, anehedonia and I had so many physical issues from the side effects of this evil drug that I never needed or should've had prescribed to me. She believes I had control over the effects that caused to behave horribly. I was irritable, I lied, I was unable to concentrate and apparently told my Dr 2 years ago I wasn't enjoying life. The hospital I checked into in November explained that my primary care was negligent as he watched me shake, have a high heart rate, sweat, talk about anxiety, have stomach problems and each year he'd give me a 10 minute test, tell me I had ADHD and "needed" adderall. It was killing me and hurting everyone around me. Thank you for the positive words. I'm trying to encourage my wife to visit this site, heal with me for our kids, for each other...once I took adderall I lost control!
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I was officially 8 months off adderall on July 1st and it hurts to know the hold it had on me. I took it as a prescription daily for 10 years, 30 mg xr. It ended up causing pyschotic effects with mania, paranoia, delusional thoughts and many physical issues, yet I took it daily believing I was perfect! It hurt my marriage that I'm trying to now save! I'm running out of energy daily and I know it's both exhaustion from the lack of stimulant as well as focusing my energy to save my marriage. Any helpful advice on regaining your energy? I'm trying protein shakes, high protein diet and still I am sluggish. Any thoughts on how I can explain to my wife adderall made me out of control for years? I'm now telling people I was on it and I hear "that explains a lot" or "that explains your odd behavior". I appreciate your help!
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7 hours ago, LuLamb said:
I’m realizing increasingly that my marriage never stood a chance while I was on Adderall.
Were you able to save marriage off the evil drug?
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9 hours ago, DelaneyJuliette said:
1. Takes time away from my family
2. Causes me to stay at work til all hours of the night doing things that don't really matter but I am convinced that they do.
3. I have spent so much money on people to help me "organize" when all I end up doing is moving shit around that I already don't need and then go by more on an adderall fueled frenzy.
4. Waaay over-commit and then have to take more to actually get thru the committments... I don't have time for down time or reading or watching movies.
5. No intimacy with my husband - literally, sex annoys me b/c I could be "doing something productive"
6. Less confidence in myself when not on it.
7. Never ending cycle of awful.
Thank you for sharing!
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9 hours ago, DelaneyJuliette said:
1. Takes time away from my family
2. Causes me to stay at work til all hours of the night doing things that don't really matter but I am convinced that they do.
3. I have spent so much money on people to help me "organize" when all I end up doing is moving shit around that I already don't need and then go by more on an adderall fueled frenzy.
4. Waaay over-commit and then have to take more to actually get thru the committments... I don't have time for down time or reading or watching movies.
5. No intimacy with my husband - literally, sex annoys me b/c I could be "doing something productive"
6. Less confidence in myself when not on it.
7. Never ending cycle of awful.
Thank you for sharing!
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10 hours ago, Civilengr2020 said:
Hurt a lot of women/past relationships
gave me an “addictive” personality; Illegal drugs, alcohol, porn, risky behaviors
killed my spiritual life
Indifferent towards family and friends
Converted me into a scumbag version of my true self
Thank you for sharing!
On 4/12/2020 at 6:00 PM, quit-once said:Just these:
I was told I was similar to an alcoholic by my counseling.
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On 1/29/2014 at 9:20 PM, quit-once said:
I looked and looked for anything besides anecdotal stories of long term Adderall abuse and never found anything. I believe it is because Big Pharma controls the science of drugs and since this one is such a lucrative substance they really don't want negative information out there. So the scientific information available is mostly from studies done with kids and low doses, since that is what is typically prescribed. And Adderall as a branded drug has only existed for 20 years or so, although amphetamines and other speed have been around since the 1930's. Parkinsons Disease is one of the few documented conditions related to long term use. Alcohol addiction has plagued mankind for centuries so there is a lot of information on the side effects of abusing that evil drug and how it kills people.
I have a pretty long list. I will restrict it to only the physical, (not mental or behavioral) side effects that I experienced. By the way, I abused adderall as a binge user for nine years, then daily the last two years, at a dosage of 100-150 mg per day, and I have been off it for about 32 months.
Sensory:
Blurry vision. Dry eyes. Tears of fire. Eye muscle twitches. Poor depth perception.
Impaired hearing. Audio hallucinations. Ringing in my ears.
Impaired sense of smell. Nose runs lasting all day. Incessant sneezing. Hoarse voice.
Physical numbness. Drooling. Tongue thrashing. Jaw clenching. My tongue is still semi-active.
Heightened and impaired sense of taste. Mouth burns. Biting my tongue and cheek. Difficulty swallowing and choking.
Also:
Dry, brittle and cracked skin. Mystery cuts and scratches. Red splotches on my face and elsewhere that would last for days.
Weird and offensive body odors.
Sexual and urinary dysfunction.
Muscle twitches and spasms. I still have these in my lower extremities.
Brittle hair. Thinning hair. Gray hair. My hair got healthy again and less thin and gray after quitting.
Dark nails. Hangnails.
Reduced sleep, both quantity and quality - only 5 hours daily.
Bloated, puffy skin. Bags or circles under my eyes. Acne. Keratonosis.
Weight gain from poor eating habits and lack of sleep. Excessive belly fat.
Shortness of breath. Wheezing. Craving cigarettes.
Bad eating habits and poor food choices.
Heart palpitations - like a cell phone on vibrate in my shirt pocket. Heart beating hard and out of my chest.
Rapid pulse - my resting heart rate was 110-120 BPM, and right now it is 56 BPM.
Purple hands that were always cold. My whole body felt cold, and I also overheated easily too. Night sweats.
Sore muscles, sore joints and brittle bones. Broken and brittle teeth, despite taking extra calcium.
Digestive issues and acid reflux. especially at night.
I may come back to this and add more as I think of it. My God, if that wasn't enough reason to quit, I still have an equally long list of the mental deficiencies Adderall caused but that is another post.
Please share the mental deficiencies.
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55 minutes ago, quit-once said:
Just these:
I was told I was similar to an alcoholic by my counseling.
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1 hour ago, quit-once said:
I feel really lucky that I slithered out of that addiction without any significant long term health problems, despite plenty of side effects while using the shit.
What type of side effects?
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22 minutes ago, Somewhere said:
1. Sleep Deprivation
2. Destruction of all routines, non-work commitments (especially working out and writing)
3. Got me out of shape
4. Health concerns (physical and psychological: stomach/digestive problems, sweating; paranoia, impatience, quick temper)
5. Caused a rift in relationships, social life
After looking over this list, it feels like each symptom was caused or exacerbated by the previous one.Well said, I was thinking that as well, they all grew with each other making it all worse. Thanks for sharing!
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What were the 5 worst things adderall did to you, now that you are off and can look back?
Mine (not in order as it all was bad):
1. Paranoia
2. Manic episodes
3. Physical issues - shaking, sweating, stomach problems
4. Delusional thoughts
5. Hurt my family
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3 hours ago, sleepystupid said:
@StAnne0822 really sorry to hear about this happening to you. we hear this type of story fairly often here - over-prescribing, underestimating and sometimes downright negligence. regarding the "ignoring all side effects" topic, to be fair, the side effects of amphetamine abuse look a WHOLE LOT like ADHD. i knew going into my first prescription i never had ADHD or needed Adderall, i just wanted it. fast forward 6 months - i was TEXTBOOK ADD. the drugs had made me a forgetful, jittery mess.
to the average family physician, this may just look like reinforcement of their diagnosis.
to a pdoc whose entire business is medication management, this is justification for continued prescription.
maybe to a doctor specialized in substance abuse addiction, this is a warning sign, but why would you see him/her if you didn't already know you have a problem?
putting aside all the perverse incentives built into our healthcare system, these doctors see you for maybe 15 minutes every few months. it's probably really challenging for them especially if the patient just seems happy and energetic.
sorry didn't mean for this to become a defensive post, just sometimes it's helpful to look at it from their point of view.
No offense taken. Good perspective. My issue was I saw him annually for 16 years, 9 on adderall. My family has severe heart history, he saw my heart rate climbing and had me come in twice a year, said adderall sometimes does this (all documented in my medical records that the intervention team pulled), requested I take BP meds which did nothing, had me try 6 different kinds, then I'd complain about headaches, stress, muscle pains, stomach problems....all side effects of adderall. I'd ask if I could end taking adderall and we'd take a 10 minute test...a joke!! A pcp as I've experienced and witnessed while in rehab, should not prescribe psychiatric medications without ensuring proper monitoring is in place. Taken off the drug after 10 years and within weeks all my physical issues were GONE!! Feels amazing, yet I'm struggling with all the pyschotic effects that impaired my decision making on the medication and what it did to people around me. A pcp should not prescribe adderall or any psychiatric drug without supervision of the patient is what it all comes down to. How would you know if you are experiencing pyschotic effects if they make you believe you can do no wrong or you are invincible?
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45 minutes ago, DC011381 said:
My intervention was in the form of being admitted to the psych ward for 7 days with amphetamine induced psychosis
Were you prescribed adderall? I was and had no idea what it was doing to me. I lost all our savings, was in a prolonged state of psychosis and my reality was not real! Scary to look back on! I'm now 5 months removed from the prescription I was told I needed and it messed up my life...now with this virus I'm unable to get a job and we are a family of 6 about to lose everything because of this evil drug and my physician who put me on it.
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Curious if anyone else had their primary care physician ignore all the side effects, give no warnings, and keep you on adderall until you need extreme help like an intervention? Any other extreme assistance? I was blind to what it was doing to me for 10 years, believing as my Dr. explained "I needed it".
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Stay strong...you've got this!
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Thank you @dolssa. I'm really struggling as I never knew it was the medication causing me so many problems to the point I never knew why I was the way I was. It messed me up, caused me to behave horribly! My wife doesn't believe it can effect someone to create paranoia, psychosis and mania...I had no idea what any of it was until I went through the partial hospitalization program.
You have no idea what it feels like to come out of the darkness, given answers that you aren't crazy, you were heavily medicated and effected by its side effects since the day you first took it, to find thousands of stories and resources validating it all, to see the damage it caused and to fight daily for the person who means the world to me to remain as my partner, my friend, my wife who is unwilling to accept the truth.
It really is horrible right now that she doesn't believe me. I've tried to encourage her to visit this site to read real life stories. She thinks I'm making it up!
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I last took adderall on December 1, 2019, a date I'll always remember. At first I was completely exhausted and somewhat "dazed and confused" to start to sort through what the hell just happened. My wife sadly is not working to save our marriage as she doesn't believe adderall made me lose control. I was seeing, hearing, thinking and feeling things that were not real. I tried to explain to her I was in a prolonged state of psychosis that I was numb and blind to what was going on around me. I really wish she would be willing to understand that the medication was dividing us...not me! It was such a slap in the face after 9 years trusting my dr on the drug and who I've been with for 16 years. I don't know that I ever want to see him again. Now I'm feeling better than I've ever felt, my original illness that we tried to resolve is addressed yet the negligence of the therapist and my dr caused so much damage in our lives- emotionally, physically and financially. My wife wants nothing to do with talking to the hospital as they've offered to explain to her I was a victim not in control. It messed me up and I almost died!! I was in the hospital for 10 days in their partial hospitalization program...there were others there with similar adderall evil issues in their lives. Hoping to have my wife know I truly was a prisoner in my own brain.
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Good afternoon, I'm so glad I found this site. I felt like a fool when I was given an intervention in December...now I feel like my real life is back with my heart breaking. My wife doesn't believe adderall caused me to have psychosis. Here's my story:
10 years ago I was struggling with irritability and my wife suggested I see a therapist. I went to the first session alone, the second session my wife went alone, then the third session the therapist suggested to my wife and I that I had adhd at 36 years old, that she suggested I take adderall to "slow" my brain. My wife and I discussed it and I took the suggestion despite being hesitant as I've never taken drugs, I rarely drink and didn't want to be dependent. Instantly I felt euphoric and thinking back my feelings were out of this world at first. Started on 20 mg or, then in 4 months switched to 30 mg xr that I took every day for 10 years. I never realized I was distancing myself, was paying our bills making a good amount of money and felt invincible looking back. I would give money to someone if they needed it, never tell my kids no and I'd tell my wife we were fine financially as I knew in my head that money doesn't run out...I loved the feeling of making people happy and when I would get home from work looking forward to seeing my family I had a short fuse and would yell, then my wife would say "why don't you ever slow down" or "think before you speak"...I'd go to bed thinking what the hell did you do and say...I felt like a growing pressure was in my head and it was impossible to stop. My wife would want to talk about money and I'd say we are perfectly fine, my brain again believing it will never run out. Then I started to become increasingly paranoid that people, everyone was out to get me. I mean everyone! I would be cautious around everyone, including my wife then it grew and I was convinced she wanted to get rid of me and I could never talk to her about this. Reality was and is my wife is the most caring person in the world. My wife would say to me you need your stomach checked as you "explode" on the toilet, you sweat to much and I started shaking...my kids would laugh as I couldn't put a glass to my mouth without shaking. I had this thing that people including my family would laugh at where I'd grab my shirt constantly and couldn't stop. Pulling at it unaware until someone said something. My paranoid feelings grew increasingly, my heart rate was through the roof. My primary care is the one who 10 years ago took the suggestion from the therapist to give me adderall...I have serious heart history in my family, including strokes. He gave me the medication and twice a year I would see him for 9 years as he knew my heart history and my father had passed from a stroke. Over that time, once a year I'd take a 10 minute test with him to validate the adhd...what a joke I now know!!! He observed much of the side effects and I'd ask if I'd ever get off adderall and he'd say no you need it to survive...who was I to argue as I didn't realize then I was dependent. He started giving me various blood pressure meds to help...foolish as it was the adderall driving the issues. Increasingly I now recall it becoming difficult to talk to my wife as I feared her...this is crazy if you ever met her and knew how incredible she is, yet I was like a child fearing an abusive parent. She was out to get me I believed!! Then our debt grew, I was still convinced we'd never run out of money, unable to think beyond the next day I would use credit, depleted our savings, used my 401k to draw it to 0, took loans thinking we'd be ok, money never stops coming. My wife grew increasingly concerned with me lying, my irritability and distance. I was always feeling like I couldn't let her down and feared her and feared disappointing my kids. My wife would say you go to bed angry and wake up sunshine and roses...I took adderall every day for 10 years between 6:30 and 7:30 am. Our troubles got worse and I had no idea anything was wrong as I'd forget yesterday's problems each day...they would simply disappear until my wife would say "why'd you yell like you did at the kids?" "It's almost like you don't think!". My wife knew I took the drug and suggested I get a booster for at night. Neither of us knew the daily medication I took to be "better" was actually and literally killing me. Twice last year I was ready to end my life...I am not a person who quits anything but I reached a point of "why can't I control my thoughts and actions"! My wife filed for divorce in November, I went out of my mind crying every day, could not compose myself as a 46 year old man!! I found a counselor who suggested partial hospitalization for my "depression and ADHD". I reluctantly admitted myself...first day there the person checking me in listened to me explain my fears and said you don't have adhd, it's something else. I fought with her and said no, I have adhd and have taken medication for 10 years as my pcp validated it. Day 2 they suggest I stop taking adderall and I fought them saying no way I need it to live and you have no idea what you are talking about. I was in the program for 10 days...on day 4 they brought me into an office with 3 people who had observed me and said I need to get off the adderall....I had a complete meltdown...they had called my pcp I found out after talking to him, and he was pissed I went to this program without telling him. In the hallway I completely lost it, was yelling at them as to how could you do this to me. They have me clonindide and the psychiatrist said I'd feel better than I've ever felt in a week if I listened to them. They had me doing mindfulness exercises and I would pray...very faithful. Over that next week life started to slowly improve and it was like I came out from being a prisoner in my own brain. They told me to journal what I noticed. One afternoon, day 7 they said to me " do you know you haven't grabbed your shirt in 2 days"...that moment it hit me like a ton of bricks...that evil adderall was killing me. They explained I was on speed for 10 years and couldn't slow down enough to think, nevermind know there was problems. My wife didn't believe the medication was causing me problems and I had control. I've tried explaining to her as the hospital explained to me that I was in an amphetamine driven pyschotic state, equal to being an alcoholic drinking each day...I was "drunk" daily and crashing each night, my brain and body took a toll.
Things I noticed in my road to recovery:
I'm alive- no more risk of heart attack or ending my own life
Shaking ended
Stomach problems gone
Sweating stopped
No more constant noise in my head
Bloody nose - never had them in my life until the past couple of years. They became bad.. dr said it was my blood pressure....it was the adderall driving my increased heart rate!! Haven't had one since coming off
Anger - I was so angry with my wife for filing for divorce I kept her up all night with uncontrollable panic and outburst blaming her for not trying
Feeling- I regained feelings I never realized I lost while taking the drug
Fear- no more believing everyone was out to get me. My thoughts have slowed
Soul- my brain has slowed enough to allow my heart and soul to speak!!!
I could go on with more but feel like a fool that I took such a dangerous medication that my wife and I trusted the guidance of a therapist after only 3 sessions (she saw me 10 more times after being on the drug as euphoric as can be). The hospital told me that should've been the sign for her to take me off. My dr who I trusted gave me the drug telling me I needed it...neither of them giving us guidance, warnings about the risks of side effects (which I clearly displayed in front of him for 9 years), or that my wife should monitor my behavior.
Adderall took over my life and I feel so foolish for not knowing. I now know with the help of an amazing team at the hospital that the medication put me in my own reality and it was killing me and hurting everyone around me. I'm trying now, with the help of this site that I never would've thought to look into while on adderall, to show my wife we aren't alone with the medication being catastrophically wrong. It turns out I had generalized anxiety and as the hospital says to me "you were given rocket fuel to grow an illness that not only doesn't require medication, adderall would be the most dangerous medication you could be put on". I now hope to try to save my marriage as I had no control over what the evil medication did to me. I feel like we sold my soul 10 years ago when we agreed to the negligent guidance and I've finally regained full control.
I look forward to your thoughts and comments.
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2 years of no Adderall or alcohol
in General Discussion
Posted
I'm pulling for you! You can do it! Get far away from this poison, life is so much better without it. It takes time and a lot to get through but you can do it if I could!!