sweetupbaaby
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Posts posted by sweetupbaaby
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Hey friends,
I've been away from the forums for a couple of weeks now (I think). My life has been a blur, I forgot how to tell time there for a bit.
Not to be dramatic, but my life has taken a turn for the worse into full blow depression and anxiety attacks. So much so, that I had to exhaust all of mental energy just to come on here and check up with everyone. It's been 51 days since I have taken a little orange or blue capsule of amphetamine salts and If I am being totally honest, I am having a really hard time coping.
To think that I had this under control was a very misleading emotion. I feel like the hope I had was entirely false. The anhedonia is absolutely brutal. I have absolutely no desire to do anything at all. Every day is deathly boring and if I had the option, I would sleep all day. However, I am very careful not to do that because I know once I get into a cycle of sleeping, I would really spiral into a pit of despair and apathy which I'm trying to avoid (it's very hard to pull yourself out of that pit once you're stuck in its grasp) I try to stay active for that reason. I feel like I have nothing to do because I don't even know who I am anymore, and I have no idea what my interests are as a human being. It's terrifying. I landed on a dating website, and it asked me to write about myself in the profile. To my despair- I had no idea what to write as I feel like I have no idea who I am anymore. I have no personality. I am a walking void of emotion. I don't even know what to feel. Nothing that interested me before interests me now. Please someone tell me that they can relate to this feeling of nothingness!!!
I am truly hoping this will not be my life forever. This feeling of not knowing who I am has triggered chronic PANIC in my body and the anxiety from this void of emotion has exasperated the current anxiety I feel. Such a vicious cycle
Hope everyone is hanging in there
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I understand exactly what you mean. I don't have any friends. I didn't care for social interaction for the years I was on Adderall. It makes me upset now that I am sober because I reminisce about the times where I had really important friendship's that I just let fade into oblivion because I didn't need them. I have so much regret for the way I treated the people I care about. Those relationships and friendships are way past the point of mending and many people don't want anything to do with me and I do not blame them. I acted as if I did not care about them, and my actions proved it. It is not that I didn't care about these people. I surely did, I didn't have the emotional capacity to maintain these friendships though. One of these people was my boyfriend of 7 years who just recently passed away in a motorcycle accident. It kills me not to be able to tell him how sorry I am for the way I acted. That's a whole other story. But yeah...all of It sucks...truly, but there really is not much I can do about it. All I can do is try to be a better and more attentive person going forward. Hopefully, in time, I can start to build new friendships based on my new and real persona.
Yeah, but I am really feeling it during this pandemic. Not only are we physically away from people, but I also don't keep in contact with anyone because there is no one to keep in contact with. This is one of the hardest pills to swallow. Now that I crave human interaction..there is none for me. And it is my fault.
That being said, I am just grateful I made the decision to quit stimulants to have come to this conclusion and to have these realizations. I have been caught up to speed with real life in so many ways. I get anxious thinking about the person I use to be and how lost I was. Just completely in my own world. Thinking I was the shit..but in reality I was just a strung out mess.
One thing I have going for me is that I am self-aware. And I know that my self-esteem and self-confidence will raise once I have the chance to get to know myself better. I totally relate to discovering life without Adderall is not what I expected. So much newness...but it's raw...and most of the time, deathly boring. Being bored has made me restless and I have been having fits of rages because of my frustration. I feel like I am moving like a slug, and that I am carrying 100 pounds chained to my ankle at all times. I feel so heavy.
Truly, I know this will pass. We just gotta stick it out. When the time is right, the right people will come into your life. I personally feel like it's too early in the game to try to make friendships. If it happens, cool. If not, I am content with just trying to recover, although it does get lonely. And it's easy to think you are the only one without anyone. Trust me, I am in the same boat.
I get what you're saying about the music thing, and I thought I was the only one who felt that way. I stay away from a lot of my favorite music for that reason because it makes me too depressed to listen to it! Imagine not being able to listen to your favorite artist because the music takes you back to an era that no longer exists, The time when you had people to share life with.Sigh. I am optimistic though...and I am a fighter. You are not alone and I totally empathize with your situation. Stay informed with the forums...we are always here to help!
God bless
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38 minutes ago, Brit said:
My best recommendation is to put some hard work into this interview. Know the company, job description and associated responsibilities inside and out. Have your experience and examples on how you fit this role written down - study and refine these over and over. If there’s any areas you lack a lot of experience, write that down and practice what you want to say here too. In summary, prep any and all possible answers and questions you have for this interview and keep running through it. This will give you a certain level of confidence during the interview because you’re going to be pulling this content from memory, and you can use the rest of your energy for any curve balls that come your way. I’ve done this exercise for any job interview that was important to me over the last 8 years and always received an offer.
Thank you!!! This is fantastic advice
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Hey friends,
This morning I received an email regarding an interview for a position in a field of work where I was employed for quite a few years. The position is higher up in the ranks than I am used to, so naturally, I am extremely intimidated as this will be the first job interview I have done since quitting Adderall.
When I was a user, I use to run through jobs like no one's business. Not only was I selfish and irresponsible in general, but I also knew I could easily get a new one. My charisma and energy were through the roof when I was medicated, and employers seemed to like that. (I wonder if they knew I was high asf)
I am qualified for such a position. I have the credentials and know this type of work inside and out. But the entire time I worked in this industry has been a time when I have been on Adderall. Now I am afraid that who I am currently won't be enough to cut it. I am doubting if all of my accomplishments thus far are even relevant or real. I feel like a fraud.
I'm afraid my worst fear will come true- that I am not sufficient on my own without Adderall. That no one will like me and my personality without being high. Adderall was a mask for me for so many years so I didn't have to truly get intimate with anyone- including employers.
I am terrified that the real me will be rejected.
I am also worried that I will end up oversharing. Being on Adderall, you tend to overindulge in personal information because you have superficial confidence, now I'm worried I will overshare, or get nervous and not say enough. Where do I draw the line? My anxiety is through the roof- which is giving me more anxiety. I never use to worry about job interviews! I know I am coming off as super insecure- it's because I am and I never realized it until now.
Has anyone gone back to work or started working a new job after getting clean and had similar problems??
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To be completely honest, you will be a whole new person. However, that new person will feel emotionally stable, will not be thrown in every direction by their emotion and feelings, will be able to sleep like a normal human being at night, will eat their food at regular intervals, will listen to their family and friends speak and listen to understand, not to respond. That person will develop empathy for others. That person will start to experience real emotions again. That person will begin to develop real relationships. Based on real connections and not trauma.
I consider everything a loss now that I am Adderall free. If I had to lose friends, my job or anything else to be clean, so be it. That's the really scary part about quitting Adderall. Because your life will change exponentially. That's why you have to want to be clean by any means more than anything else in this world. You have to come to the point where taking Adderall is no longer a choice for you.
You have to choose recovery every day of your life for a very long time. I won't sit here and lie to you. It's a gruesome process and it takes a long time to feel normal again. You will have to put your life as you know it on the backburner and be open to change in all areas. That's why it's a journey only some of us choose to take. Society is so caught up in doing things really fast in a short period of time. Quitting Adderall will be the complete opposite.
However, I will tell you that absolutely nothing you achieve on Adderall is worth the feeling of accomplishment we get from working hard to achieve a goal on our own. You cannot buy that feeling. You cannot pop a pill to get that feeling. Yes, we feel like imposters and a fraud while on Adderall not because we can't achieve high levels without the drug, but because we are so superhuman on Adderall that we expect that level of superiority when we are sober. Which is unattainable. We have set a standard that doesn't even exist unless we're high and that's a dangerous slippery slope.
You will learn new revelations about yourself every day. Getting to know the real you can be scary but it is so rewarding, friend. Set out to be a warrior, this journey makes you resilient above all else. And after you have struggled for a while, you will be able to take on the world, without a drug, and nothing will be able to stop you. Your confidence will be authentic, and it will be sky-high.
It's exhausting to keep up appearances with our Adderall self. Our days turn into weeks, into months, into years, then we wonder how we got here. On Adderall it's all about "what's next, what's next" In reality, life is not suppose to be like that. We should be mindful in everything we do, learn to be content in our current circumstances. The "what's next" mentality makes sure that we never enjoy anything in life. It allows us to only focus on the destination, so we miss out on every day of our lives. The destination usually never exists on Adderall because even if we got there, we would want to move on to the next thing. We gotta learn how to slow down and take things at the pace that the universe intended.
Also, I do not miss Adderall-induced psychosis at all. That was hell on earth. Also, people notice that I am not strung out on speed anymore. And believe me, it's noticeable to other people even when we don't recognize it.You have to have the motivation and drive to be clean. It has to be in you to possess because trying to quit on willpower alone won't cut it. Recovery has to be your core concern for a while.
I know you can do this. You know you're sick of living in an Adderall bubble.
Break out
I wish you all the best, we're always here to help you along
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Hey friends,
Just wanted to share a milestone with you today.
I haven't taken an Adderall pill for 28 days. I use to consume 80-240mg of XR daily for 4.5 years.
Within the first week, I thought I had lost my mind. I wasn't able to string a sentence together when speaking out loud or while writing. I would be mid-conversation and the words I was looking for would just leave my mind and I would be left hanging. It's so very frustrating to not be able to articulate your words and feelings, especially being a writer. I felt like I had lost the majority of my vocabulary.
For the first time in almost a month, I found myself having a conversation today and the words were starting to come to me more effortlessly. To be able to articulate what you are feeling without stuttering is something I obviously took for granted. Truly, this may not mean much to others but this is huge for me. I thought I had lost all ability to be a functioning human. Now, more than anything I think this has taught me that my brain will not be broken forever. I'm starting to see a pin-drop of light at the end of the tunnel. I know I have a long way to go but being able to grasp on to anything for hope is a Godsend on this journey.
By the way, my skin is now glowing like I have never seen before in my life!! Bonus!
Keep pushing everyone!!
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33 hours ago, DrewK15 said:
@sweetupbaaby For me the difference between I don't and I can't is huge. I don't makes my quitting a positive part of my identity. Telling myself I can't tends to make me irritable because I feel like something I want is being withheld from me. Whenever I am having a really hard day dwelling on a temptation to use, usually I am telling myself I can't use Adderall.
So true. This really resonated with me and gave me that extra push that I needed today. Thanks!!!
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All progress is not lost! I have slipped up before, but it was short-lived and I couldn't even enjoy the little bit of a high I got from that 20mg pill because I felt like a fraud and I felt guilty for taking it. It kinda reminded me why I quit in the first place. Adderall really wipes out all emotions you have- good and bad. I never realized how much I was operating like a robot until I became clean- and all my emotions flooded back full force. I am understanding how important it is to give yourself grace for the slipups you make while in recovery. If you are kind to yourself if and when you relapse, you are more likely to stay clean after that slip, as opposed to getting angry. We are human and we are swimming upstream against a current that wants to drag us in the opposite direction. We are going to face some adversity on this journey. I just have to accept the good and the bad days. And accept the slipups if they come. I recenter, reiterate my intentions, and start again. Keep pushing, you are stronger than you think!
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11 hours ago, DelaneyJuliette said:
I have this struggle regularly
Really, it's the worst. My mind just keeps racing and ruminating the same thought! Fill...don't fill...fill...it's driving me crazy. There really is not much I can do about it though. The pharmacist already thinks I am abusing my script so hopefully, she won't even fill it if I ask.
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10 hours ago, speedracer said:
I have been doing my best to identify unmet needs when I get into depression or fatigue. I make "action lists" to help cover the basics.
Thank you, this is really helpful!
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Sometimes I feel so desperate because I am someone who checks this forum out more than once a day looking for people who have posted or replied. It is something to anchor onto when you feel absolutely helpless,
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On 27/04/2020 at 11:33 PM, DelaneyJuliette said:
I wish for more connection specifically with dealing with quitting adderall... I love this forum... I wish it had meetings or something attached to it. I go to other meetings but there is something that feels so calming about being with other people who are in the same boat. Just saying. I am struggling.
I am struggling too. This past week specifically I have not been coping well. I find it close to impossible to open up to anyone about my feelings, but this forum has been a game-changer for that. I feel like I can speak openly about what I am going through. I hope to be a Veteran of this site one day down the road and offer useful advice for people like me who need it
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Also...I was NOT prepared for all of the shit that happened on Adderall to resurface and to be dealt with in a sober state of mind. I am starting to realize I suppressed A LOT of stuff I didn't want to deal with by popping more pills. Fooling myself thinking I could numb that pain away forever. Haha. What a sad mistake....dealing with all these past issues in my sober, vulnerable state is exhausting!! By the way, I have some pretty crazy intense dreams at night, every night! I wake up so tired from the mental energy consumed by my dreams and nightmares.
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Yes....absolutely. I don't even speak to anyone about the darkness in my head because I don't feel like they could ever understand. Most days is complete despair, Intrusive thoughts, weird and dark thoughts and ideas, sometimes suicidal thoughts (although I don't believe I would act on them, I just can't take the feeling of going crazy) It's almost like OCD but fueled by darkness, it's crazy!! I honestly attribute this to my PTSD and panic and anxiety due to a lot of unresolved trauma in my life, but Adderall withdrawal has no doubt been a factor in my deteriorating condition. I know this is because my brain and nervous system needs to recalibrate and truly I just try to be as patient as possible and to not attach myself to the passing thoughts.
Mindfulness meditation is soooo helpful when you do it consistently. Depression can be a factor in recovering from Adderall use. I am not surprised by the condition of my mental state because I abused high amounts of XR at a time.
When it gets bad, I go for a walk just in any direction. Or I absolutely push myself to work out, because I always feel better after I do. I make sure to get enough sleep, to eat well, and to drink a lot of water throughout the day. I like to think I am pretty resilient to adversity in my life by now. That doesn't mean it doesn't feel like you're going through hell. I totally understand where you are coming from, Thank God for quarantine to recover. I don't think I could go through this in normal working conditions.
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On 15/05/2020 at 11:31 PM, girl_surrendered said:
Hey @Sleepyandsober, @LuLamb and @DelaneyJuliette,
A community is something I am soo sooo interested in and think is so lacking for people struggling with ADD meds. This is something that has been on my mind for years now. I sent you all a private message because I would love to be included if a community develops, and I have a ton of resources outside of 12 step programs that originally helped me quit drinking but that I am now using on my quitting adderall journey too.
Thanks again for posting @Sleepyandsober
Me too!!
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5 minutes ago, Critterlish said:
I could definitely use some people to talk to.
Feel free to send me a message anytime! This community is here for you. We are all going through, or have gone through many of the same things on our individual journeys.
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I'm dying how I totally butchered that above post lol sorry! It won't let me edit
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4 hours ago, m34 said:
Tear them up and never look back. Thank God he retired. Now it will be harder for you to go through the process. Depending on your state you will have to get re tested etc. Just remember filling that script will only help you in the short term. You will be right back where you started. No judgement here... just total understanding either way. Not sure how I’d handle it either. If I didn’t tear them up and soak those scripts in water I’d prob fill them( lol if it’s an electronic script then idk) . it’s worth it to just keep walking through hell and not go back. you may get sucked into the cycle for another damn yr. Read your posts when you first quit, or if you wrote in a journal read about why you quit in the first place. The anxiety the pains all the bad parts of adderall that made you give it up. How bad it was in the end of your use. That’s right where you will be again
I wish to God I went through this yrs ago and not wasted another damn second on those pills. You are stronger than you know.
14 hours ago, m34 said:If you fill it you won’t flush them. Or at least I wouldn’t. I’d tell myself it was for emergency etc then take it to clean the closet because feeling like shit is an “emergency” for me.
LOL...yes that definitely sounds like me. I think I just need to grasp the mindset that I am now a non-stimulant user. And with that title, I do not take stimulant medication. This is how I had to think of myself when I quit smoking cigarettes (59 days today!). I am a non-smoker. I do not smoke cigarettes any longer (although the psychological cravings are still torture)
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5 hours ago, sleepystupid said:
you need to stop thinking of Adderall as a tool - there is NOTHING you NEED Adderall to do for you!!!
Thank you- I definitely needed to hear that
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Hey friends,
I feel like I'm really reaching with this topic just to get some support, but this is also a real problem I am having.
A few months ago, my doctor told me he was retiring and that I would no longer see him again.
Before I left his office he gave me my script and 4 refills and that was the end of it.
I have been clean for 20 or 21 days (too lazy to check date)...before I quit, I had 1 refill left waiting for me to fill. It's been haunting me every day for weeks. This insidious voice is telling me to fill them since it's the last time I will have the chance to do so. it's a 1-month script for 80mg XR daily and It's almost too good to pass up. I tell myself what if I need them down the road? Shouldn't I keep them for emergency purposes only? It's the last fill......but then the logical side of me knows that if I fill my "just-in-case" meds then they will be consumed sooner or later for non-emergency purposes. I feel like filling them just to flush them down the toilet lol. That's also a huge waste of money. Any suggestions????
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OP, I am only 19 days clean. However, I was a hardcore addict for 4.5 years. I was using up to 240mg of Adderall XR a day. Looking back from this point in my life, to the Me who was using Adderall- I truly can't believe what I was doing to myself. It's traumatic to think I ever treated myself so badly and that it took me so long to see the errors of my ways.
From my personal life experience, one of the reasons I quit was to get closer to God too. I felt like the drugs were blocking me from communicating effectively, and giving up the drugs has been one of the best things I have ever done. He has helped me a lot through this process.
Nothing- nothing compares to the state of life you will experience unmedicated. I am starting to laugh- belly laughs. I can't believe the sound that comes out of my own mouth. It's a sound of joy. Weird, haven't felt that emotion in a while.
Don't get me wrong- things are still very off, but my worst day off Adderall is still better than my best day on Adderall. That's the truth. Because no synthetic happiness could ever compare to the real-life joy you get from genuinely living a life free of stimulants.
It is tough, and you need to re-learn a lot of things. But I believe that's what makes life exciting. You really go get to know yourself- your true self- and that is priceless. We tend to hate ourselves on Adderall, but learning to get to know the real you is also a catalyst for self-love. Learning to fall in love with my shortcomings has been huge for me. We tend to think we are perfect on Adderall, which is not only delusional- but it gives us unattainable standards where we get depressed when we can't meet them.
I'm starting to get real joy from authentically working hard to get things done. The sense of accomplishment you get from pushing through the tough times makes you resilient above all, and you gain the momentum to become confident in anything you take on. For the first time in a long time, I am starting to have high hopes for the future.
Prayers for you, you can do this. It won't be easy. But it will be so worth it, Nothing compares my friend. Your family and friends will be so happy you made this decision. Do it for them too xx
God bless!!!!
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Drinking tons of water- staying hydrated really seemed to solve this problem for me! Making sure I am hydrated throughout the day has solved so many problems I didn't even know I had. It improved my mood swings, my concentration, and my anxiety/depression. It gave me more energy to get things done. The majority of your brain and other organs are composed of water. When you are dehydrated, all your organs begin to lack and body parts become stiff and not very lubricated.
Also, doing daily stretches will really help!
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I love this, thank you for the reminders!
I definitely agree with all of them especially #3!
Things are definitely hard to get used to at first, but truly the more you push through and complete the hard stuff, the more it becomes second nature. I find that every day I'm learning how to do things which I thought would be impossible unless medicated. For example, I use to love cleaning while medicated and I thought I would never be able to do it sober. It has been tough the first few times cleaning my house, but now I find it even enjoyable to clean up and declutter my space. I find that I accumulated so much junk while on Adderall that I don't even need or use. I'm really excited to purge my house of clutter and live a more minimalized lifestyle. When we start to live regulated and sober, I think the need to regulate and keep order of other areas of our life comes into play. For example, I can no longer tolerate crappy food. I'm starting to clean up my diet. I think when we show discipline in something like quitting Adderall- a huge challenge but rewarding in the end, we start to become disciplined in other areas of our life. I'm starting to understand how important it is to be accountable for my actions.
Good luck and keep pushing!
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Hey friends,
I have passed the 2-week mark in my Adderall cessation journey and the novelty of being clean has worn off. I have now entered a phase where life is just dragging, day by day.
I have worked too hard and gone too far to turn back, but I just can't find the motivation to move forward.
This dull, low-grade exhaustion where I'm dragging a$$ is killing me. I feel like such a simp. Also, I have entirely lost my sense of humor and this is scaring me. My wit use to be on point and now there is not a funny bone in my body. Has anyone else experienced this??
Really and truly, I know it won't be like this forever and I just have to push through...What has kept you psychologically intact during the initial weeks and months of being sober?
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What is life
in General Discussion
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Thank you, everyone, who responded to this thread...it has really helped me pull through the past few days.