Rev&Rush

I can definitely see how looking ahead creates anxiety. I feel like most people here are looking for day to day happiness. And the adderall makes every day like the f-ing merry old land of Oz. And you are productive, and praise follows! Along with admiration for being so smart and together, but underneath, i feel, it's slowly chipping away at your psyche. Thoughts become thin, emotions fake and you lose a little of yourself. I know many people really need medications but I feel like our bodies are telling us something when things are out of balance, even our thoughts. I guess what mean is, in my opinion, amd i am not a dr but medication should be the last step. I know that so many people need crisis intervention, and the medication is needed now, but does everyone who takes it? We live in such a rush rush now now now world with constant stimulation Being thrown at us. Be happy, be smart, be awesome and you have to do it now cause time is running out, time is money, time is ticking. We don't take ANY time to really figure out what's really wrong. And I'm saying this with the exception of people in crisis.

Hi, Have you seen your dr to see if you have another medical condition? Like a full on physical all blood work done? If yes, maybe see an endocrinologist to do further tests that a GP normally doesn't do?

Hi! I said the love thing, cause I was the type of person that didnt believe that I'd have something like I have now. I thought people like me didn't get that kind of stuff. And it helps to have someone by your side. But I also spent a lot of time alone and developing my relationship with me. I still am. I'm not sure if any medication does not have side effects. I know I haven't taken any that didn't have some effect I didn't want. I know love is hard, but it is so necessary for everyone. Even if it's a love for family, friends co-workers, your dog:). It is essential for survival just like water & food. I think I'm saying just don't isolate yourself, not that you are... But actively love others without holding back. It's the best investment you can make. I'm off topic. Sorry...

Thank you all, again for your responses, and I'm going to repeat myself, so I am sorry. This is from another thread I wrote in earlier... Spring break is a week and a half away, except we call it mud week. That is hopefully where I will bear the brunt of this "detox." I'm getting my head around riding the couch that week, but I also want to get a head start on it in case it takes longer. I'm doing as much research as possible, trying not to take too much before and working out which day to begin. I'm thinking day one may be this Thursday or Friday. That gives me the weekend, one week at work and a week after for the worst. I'm also looking for the right supplements, movies, comfort foods, blankets and pillows for mud week. While other people are packing for their beach vacations I'll be packing for a week long couch ride. Anyway, I'm gearing up to gear down, I guess.... but a part of me is actually relieved that I can see an end in sight. That seems weird since I've done nothing, yet. Again, that is why I am here...

I'd be hesitant to discuss the adderall, only because of the stigma that is attached to it. Most people really do not understand all of this. That being said, the best speeches I've ever heard (and given) are the ones that were written from the heart with experience. Those are the speeches that captivate people because the words are perfect, the speaker flows and the audience really listens to the message. They are not distracted by fluctuations in someone's voice caused by insincerity and nervousness.

I was on lexapro for a long time. It made me numb. No lows, but no highs. Void. I get nostalgic too, and that's when I get depressed. I heard somewhere that people are always happier when they are looking forward then if they are looking back. What I'd love to learn to do is look at now, and just see this moment. I hardly understand what that means. But I think people are always chasing contentment, isn't that the goal? Are you in love? That also helps. Love is the shit! It really is. Also, I recommend a dog, too! Love and dogs.

Oh, and hello to everyone too. I'm was very happy to get home today and read what people have written. It's helping in more ways than you know.

Thank you all for the responses and advice. Cat and MFA: I think you both gave me some things to use. Going right to my principal is NOT an option. I'm in a very gossipy building, and I know word would get around. I did think about that though, and I can be vague. I work in a building where there is always someone pregnant so it's totally realistic for me to say, this is not good for me right now or I'm really trying to work on my family or something of that nature when asked to do all the little extras. It'll stop people from guilting me into doing something and I also just want less to be expected of me right now. I know that sounds so bad, but I can't live like this. I just want to teach, not do all the other stuff. I'll have to be vague and back away from some things. I don't mean to let people down, but I'd just want to do the job I was hired for. And I don't want to jack myself up on garbage to do it. I especially like this Cat: "Honestly, I don't think I have the capacity to take on this extra project right now." Niiiiice! Spring break is a week and a half away, except we call it mud week. That is hopefully where I will bear the brunt of this "detox." I'm getting my head around riding the couch that week, but I also want to get a head start on it in case it takes longer. I'm doing as much research as possible, trying not to take too much before and working out which day to begin. I'm thinking day one may be this Thursday or Friday. That gives me the weekend, one week at work and a week after for the worst. I'm also looking for the right supplements, movies, comfort foods, blankets and pillows for mud week. While other people are packing for their beach vacations I'll be packing for a week long couch ride.

I hate the idea of looking back on anything in my life with disgust (except for a few X's) but again, that's part of my owning up to what I've done for so long. That part actually kills me, and I know I have to face this, cause I've been running away from it for so long. My husband is totally on board. He's been through this with me a few years ago when it was an antidepressant. I feel bad for him since I actually annoyed myself talking about when and how and why I was getting off that crap. But we laugh about it now. I was very methodical about that one (probably with help from Adderall) and managed not to replace it with anything else. Hopefully this will go in the same direction. It's my work people. I can hide for only so long. I'm just going to have to be super stealth (ie. come in different doors, do not announce my presence everywhere I go, do not respond to emails, play stupid, a lot...)

I need answers, advice, and just... I don't know... I just can't feel this uneasy all the time. My go-to way of dealing with this was to take another, and another, until my head felt like it was going to explode and I thought I was going to rip my arms off. It doesn't work, and yet I still do it. And there is STILL part of me that believe it has some clinical, therapeutic value and if I could only take it as prescribed then I'd be ok. I can use it just at work... I can just stop when I get pregnant. If I get pregnant... but that's another thread... Anyway, I can't take it at the right dose or alone, it's ALWAYS coupled with another med, and yet I still continue.

As I look out on the edge of the beginning (my quit day) that advice above scares me. I'm a teacher, and the bare minimum is not possible. Going home is not possible. The beginning of my day is 7am and the end of my day is 5 or 6pm most days. That's just "at work time" although nowadays I no longer bring work home, cause I don't do it. I'm too busy trying to muscle down a few beers so I can relax after popping pills all day. I guess what I'm saying is, how do you avoid doing tasks that are normally asked of you cause you were the efficient one, you were the one who could solve a problem, you were the creative thinker, without sounding like a total dick? I mean, I know that my health is important, and I have to take care of all my contractual duties, and the children show up everyday, so I can't avoid them, but how do I avoid all the other people... without announcing that I'm quitting Adderall?

As I said, I'm using this as my place to start. Like everyone else, I've read the articles and other people's stories. I know in my normal, sober, non-sped up, invincible-feeling mind that staying here and talking honestly about what I've been up to will keep me motivated and accountable. But the draw to do just one more day, to just get everything straight before I cut myself off is so strong right now... and so stupid. What the hell is wrong with me

Thank you for that. I've tried to reduce, I've tried to ween, nothing works. All the other medications were prescribed, I feel, because of that edginess and anxiety that I feel when I take it. Then I take more Adderall. Cause that makes sense...

I've been taking Adderall for what I think may be 8 or 9 years. Seeing those words there is making my stomach turn... I'll start at the beginning I didn't begin taking this drug when I was in high school or collage (although, I could have really used the help...) I actually began taking this when I became a teacher. I was 2 or 3 years in as a primary (ages 6-8), classroom teacher in an urban area. I was overwhelmed, overworked and lost. At the insistence of my mother who was convinced I had some thyroid issue, I visited the doctor. While I sobbed in the Dr's office about my unwillingness to get out of bed to go to work, she nodded sympathetically and wrote a prescription for an antidepressant. She also referred me to an outpatient psychiatric clinic and so began my rollercoaster ride on a rainbow of pills… I honestly cannot sort out the chronology of medications, just that Adderall was always in there. There was that summer of XRs at a high dose and an antipsychotic to “take the edge†off. I cried a lot that summer. Then there was XRs in the am and IRs in the pm. For attention… to what? MY PILLOW!? Most recently, it’s IRs, Xanex, and Ambien. Ambien is a bitch, too. So is Xanex… However, I can’t say it was all bad. In the beginning, Adderall helped me become a more organized teacher, I was able to get my Master’s degree and manage a classroom of children who were so lost and in need of someone to be consistent and caring. I was that person, I was also full of energy and “fun!†It’s easy to be fun everyday when you are pumped full of amphetamines. I’d take it before work, on the way to work, at work, at home… To do grading, individualize instruction for struggling students, meet with parents later in the day, plan, organize, whenever I needed more time in the day. Then I’d be up all night, sobbing… You can do some serious psychological damage to yourself at 3 in the morning. Cut to 8 or 9 years later, and here I am. I feel like I’ve stalled my life. I'm still a teacher, it's a hard job, I'm still overworked, overtired and now I'm less organized. The more productive I am, the more gets thrown at me to do. No one can work like this, and no one should be expected to work like this. And I'm not going to take a pill to make me better at this anymore. It doesn't work. I’ve managed to get off the antidepressant (that was really tough, my brain felt like it was being electrocuted) and the Ambien (that little bitch,) but the Adderall, come on! And you know you need your Xanex for sleep… I’m 36 years old, married and I want to have a baby. Oh, and it turns out, my mother was right, I do have a thyroid problem. These years slipped by and I have to stop. I’ve reduced my dosage, only to up it again (cause I’m always counting the pills and I know I can take more.) I don’t blame anyone else for it. I take responsibility for it all, I lied. A lot. I’m not proud of that. It has to end now. Time is running out, I’m not getting any younger. And if I even think that I might have missed my chance to actually… Just to be super productive, just to take a little blue pill… I have to stop. I’m coming here to be accountable. I’m coming here because I need a new place to start.