Hopefulily

Ps- I look forward to reading your novel one day!!!

Dear Liltex41, You are beyond impressive and inspiring! I am so happy for you and truly love reading about your happiness. You clearly have an incredible work ethic as well. I have been following you for some time as I struggle to get off my last 10mgs. Thank you for the reminders and continued inspiration. Thank you for taking the time out of your full life to come back here and help those of us who are still trying to get clean. For some reason I always imagined that you were in your 20s or early 30s because of your energy. I am going to ask my doctor about Naltrexone as I too have always struggled with ADHD and addiction in some way or another since I was 14. I am continuing to try do the inner work which I hope will help me get where you are but plan to ramp it up once my kids are back in school in the fall. I dream of running a marathon adderall free and you have more than accomplished that! Wishing you continued success and happiness!! Will take allll of the other tips regarding nutrition, running gels, etc as I recently looked into those to see if they would help with post adderall recovery I’m so sensitive to caffeine and other supplements even on my off addy days and I am trying to find something to replace it that won’t ramp up my anxiety Thank you again!!!

Way to go on 4 months!!! Your last line is my glimmer of hope! Thank you so much for sharing and posting a response! I really appreciate it. Did you do anything special in the mornings to wake up before your kids and get yourself ready to tackle the day? I am sooo grateful for my kids but they are 7,5,4 and 1.5. They are adhd high energy like me lol. When I wake up before them I’m ok. When I push snooze and wake up with them it’s pure chaos and I can’t get my brain right. Hence the quick so called “fix”

I have been lurking on this site for years and have followed many successful and impressive people on here reach major milestones. I so badly want to be off of this drug but can only string a few days together at a time before I almost feel “itchy” and run back to my psychiatrist for a script who tells me not to be so hard on myself for taking 10mgs per day. What I struggle with the most is how incredibly impatient I get with my kids when I don’t take it. They are so young and deserve a good mama. That’s one of my adderall hang ups. That it makes me more patient with them. But I don’t want them to have an adderallic mom. I feel like I try so hard to do all of the right things to get off of this drug. I eat gluten free, 75 percent dairy free, hardly drink or go out, meditate almost daily, workout 4-5x per week, have done tons of research and journaling about quitting, read this website for years on end. It’s incredible and nails everything. But mostly you all are who come back to share your success. I’ve read so much quit lit (Annie Grace is a new fave), watched videos on TikTok. There is a girl who talks about sobriety from alcohol mostly but in one of her videos she talks about how adderall was the hardest to quit most of all. I wish she would talk more about that. It’s wild to me how she posts so much about quitting alcohol when she says adderall was the hardest to kick! Anywho, if there are any moms out there who have advice or can tell me how long I will snap at my kids before they get their mom back I would really appreciate it. I take this pill and am nice to my kids but mean and petty about everything else in life. It makes me a robot and I know that but at least I am able to take care of them when I have some in my system. I sometimes tell myself I am prepping for the big day when I’ve finally, finally had enough and can be the person I dream of being and quit. I am learning that talking to myself kindly will help. I’ve made a lot of positive changes I just have to keep going. Thanks for listening to me ramble I can’t wait to post on here one day that I’ve done it for good!

I’m so sorry you are having a bad day. I feel you and curse myself for even trying stimulants. I had successfully stayed away from them until post college when I caved and haven’t been able to get back to my true self since then. I have been following your journey and it is very inspiring that you have made it to 2.5 months!!! I look up to you a lot and can’t wait to get to that point! I keep trying and come to this website and forum almost everyday to help with this process. It is brutal. I keep failing but continue trying to get curious and learn about why I take it, why I don’t want to take it and why it’s actually not helpful. I know I’m just an internet stranger but I really hope you have a better day tomorrow! Have you tried the calm app? It has helped me wean down from 120mgs to 2.5-10 mgs where I’m currently stuck :/ I know I can’t officially be a part of this incredibly successful group of quitters yet as I can never string more than a few days together but I think the most important thing is to keep trying. On the days I don’t take it and am struggling so bad I at least meditate and write down 1 thing on my to do list. My therapist told me checking things off creates dopamine. Also have you had your thyroid checked? I went to an integrative health doc who checked both my T4 AND T3. Most regular doctors don’t check t3 but it is important. She is currently helping me regulate it through a GTA vitamin as well as Berberine (natures ozempic she said), olive leaf and Lypase to fix my gut as I try and once and for all get my thyroid right to get off adderall. Veeshoney and Rickie freedman are very inspirational. One day I hope to be them (and you!!!).

I’m so impressed with you moms who are doing it/off of it and doing well. So refreshing to read! I still can’t get past what to do in the morning to turn my brain on without my 2.5mgs. I know it’s low but still can’t seem to get going without it and then continue to pop a 2-4 more 2.5mgs throughout the day. Coffee makes me so irritable. Will I get used to it or are there other suggestions of morning routines and or brain activators for us moms of young kiddos? I have 4 under 7 and feel like I’m drowning! Hence why I’m scared to face the exhaustion but so badly want to be done with this.

Beyond impressed!!! You should be so proud!!!

It's hard because as a mom we want to be our best selves for our family. There really isn't a set amount of time (like a month) where we know we can just glide on through and being a little lazy won't have repercussions. I am not trying to justify it or be a victim even though I probably sound like it. I feel tremendous shame if I don't take the adds and forget to do something or can't get it together in the morning to get everyone out the door so I turn to the "easy" fix. I am trying to do everything I can to keep my dose as lowest as possible. I have found a few things - Sheeva wellness, Nettle tea and warm water with lemon and manuka honey multiple times per day. I have been listening to Allan Carr's books on drinking and sugar addiction and you can substitute anything in really. I am working on my drinking too and have significantly cut down/really haven't had anything to drink I don't think since I last posted which helps a lot. I don't know if that is helpful but just checking in here to say you all are not alone! As long as we keep trying right? I am starting to tell my close friends about how I take it and how I want to come off. "Coming clean" is helping me and my friend recommended a new therapist who hopefully can help me with that final step. I am also going to try acupuncture too, continue to eat extremely healthy and mostly gluten free and get more sleep (when my kids sleep through the night lol). I think for me, contrary to what works for a lot of people on this site, is going to have to be very slow. As many people have said slowing down and picking up healthy habits that stick are what is going to help in the long run. I also listen to Melissa Wood Health and Vees Honey as they talk about being on it and quitting. Hope that helps. That saying I dream about and picture myself one day being fully sober and thriving! You all are not alone <3 I have promised myself not to post again until I have a string of clean days and look forward to that day. Thank you to everyone who shares on this site!

Came back to read this tonight. It has been awhile since I have been here. I have gotten caught up in justifying myself on the pill after working so hard over the past years to wean down from 120mg to now less than 10 per day. I just can't make the final jump because of all of the excuses in my mind: I will run late without it, I will forget my kids or have no memory without it. Or I don't have time to deal with this final huge step. Most of my doctors still justify it - even my functional medicine doctor tells me 10mg is fine bc it is hardly anything. However I get angry in taking 7.5 mgs or more. I was doing so well - down to 1.25 per day and then I crept back up with all of my excuses and lack of energy. I am very sensitive to caffeine and can't find something to replace adderall. I have tried everything and many different types of antidepressants to try and combat this. I am starting to get real with my therapist about how I need to quit this drug and that it is addicting. I want to stop drinking too but it is a vicious cycle of if I drink than I need adderall to deal with my kids the next day. But then I need to drink to come down from the adderall. Why can't I face this final leap? What am I so scared of? The hard work? My true adhd self? I know I can manage with exercise and listening to ADHD for smartass women, using my tools but what about the days I feel like I can't do it and that is what sends me running to the pill bottle? I think I am a better mom when I take it but why??? When I have my morning workout routine down I do fine. It is when I am off my routines I then go back to more adderall. I haven't had over 10mgs in the past year but damn why can't I do this???? I am ashamed of myself every time I run to that bottle even to take 1.25 as a part of my step down process. And I have crept back up which means it isn't working. This addiction sucks. It sucks to live with this secret but I think opening up helps. On those rare days I don't take any I feel like you have described above. But I just can't string them together and I don't know why. I am giving myself the excuse of this is too hard to do during the holidays but there will never be an easy time. I feel weird when I don't take it- almost sneaky and high but can't believe that is how I feel without it. But music fills my soul and hits me deeper, I don't walk around just pissed off about life because a pill has made me that way. I know I still have a lot of work to do in therapy. I am still on zoloft which makes me tired so I also use that as an excuse to keep using it. I hate myself for it and want to be obsessed with myself like you have described! I want to be that example for my kids too. I am so so scared to go cold turkey because I don't want to just be a mess of a mom for my 4 young kids. Any help from my rambling would be amazing. Thank you <3 P.s. I even tried reaching out to Vanessa Fitzgerald who publicly weaned off adderall. I have listened to her podcast about quitting more times than I would like to admit. And yet I still can't QUIT

That is so incredible and inspiring GRF!!! You should be beyond proud of yourself. I am proud of you!!!! Thank you for your posts and enjoy the one year feeling! You deserve it!

WOW!! Beyond impressive!!!

Well my addict brain must have known this was coming bc after ransacking the house I dug out my super hidden stash in the darkest grossest part of my basement. I found 15 10 mg pills and of course took 3 today and yesterday. I felt like I was going nuts but wondering if finally quitting the Zoloft and adderall at the same time is too much. But Zoloft is my adderall crutch so it had to go. I was able to handle adderall with Zoloft. I have my follow up apt on Wednesday for working with a holistic doctor to help me get off of this shit. She had suggested a taper and is going to give me a full list of supplements based off of my bloodwork. There will be no hiding then and I am glad to have a professional I can report to bc I can’t handle this on my own. I continue to be beyond impressed with you all who are able to white knuckle it and have days, months, years of sobriety behind you. I am not giving up this fight rather getting the help it’s clear I need to get me through this quit. I continue to try and listen to quitting adderall stories anytime I get a chance. Even as I was on my pills yesterday and today. Geez. Thank you especially @DelaneyJuliette and so impressed with you!!!!!

I didn’t - I threw it out and today was trash day luckily. I of course scrounged around looking for some but have done this before and knew I could t leave any behind. I ate sooo much sugar but made it through day one! Mine are 5,3,2. I don’t want them to suffer bc of my issues but I know if I fix these addiction issues then their life will be better in the long term. I took a few sips of wine to try to calm down but feel like I probably should go the complete sober route. It is just extremely daunting. I have spent all night reading old stories from this site and recovery blogs. I have to keep going strong! I think I drank way too much coffee and had either extreme caffeine irritability or a sugar crash bc I was yelling at my kids all afternoon telling them they were annoying me. Ive rarely done that and hate myself for it but will wake up and try again. I am doing this for the right reasons just a rocky start. They are my little loves though and do not deserve to be treated how I did tonight. Do you have tips on what to do with kids during extreme paws? I was sooo beyond irritable and angry this afternoon/tonight. I am also realizing how many drugs I have given up in the past few months and am trying to give myself grace. I have now stopped ambien, Xanax, Klonopin on a night I wanted something “lighter” adderall and almost off my Zoloft. I kept trying to make Wellbutrin work but I felt weird on that too so just figured I should stop all of this pill taking. I also originally replaced the “night time drugs” with cbd oil for a few weeks and got rid of that bc it made me feel whacky too. So I am probably that person in life that needs true sobriety bc now I am daydreaming about when I can get drunk. Which isn’t going to do an absolute thing to help me through this. I am better than all of this. How did I get here?! The pandemic?! Mom life?! Perfectionism? Idk whatever the answer or reason I need to get my shit together. I don’t feel like doing aa or na honestly bc sometimes I am able to enjoy one or two glasses or Prosecco and I really stopped drinking a lot. Maybe I am daydreaming bc it is the last of my numbing agents I haven’t cut out from this intense wean down process. When I have gone two weeks or ten days without adderall or alcohol I feel SO good and like myself. But then I find an excuse to “party” and be a “normal” adult or mom friend or whatever and it all goes back to shit. When I recently gave up adderall people kept asking if I had gotten my hair done, lost weight, and told me my skin was glowing. I recognized it in the mirror. I have had a few bad weeks with my kids being sick and was using that as an excuse to take adderall again and drink to escape. My appearance just shows how poorly I’m treating myself. I was looking at before and after pictures of people with addictions and I’m sure the before is what I look like too. But I love my kids and don’t want to escape from them just from the crying and whining and no break situation. Even when I hide in the bathroom for a quick break they find me! I am having a babysitter come tomorrow afternoon for two hours so I can journal, workout a little and just be. I need alone time to do this but I don’t get much. Definitely going to start getting babysitters more though to invest in this process and heal. Also I’m meeting with my integrative healthcare practitioner next week to get started on their program of natural supplement recommendations, natural ways to heal the body and nutrition. I watched a smart recovery video from this site tonight and loved what the guy was saying. Think about the things you can do instead of the things you can’t. I need to focus and congratulate myself on the things I have accomplished and not berate myself for the missteps I take. Luckily the adderall and all other drugs are gone (besides the last two weeks of Zoloft I have). I am so excited to get back to my old self. Sure I was adhd and spacey/ditzy, need to workout more than the average person but I used to be so kind and gentle. I have used adderall to make myself seem smarter, more organized and more of a “perfect” person than I am. I need to get back to loving the disorganized, well-meaning, kind, race training, daydreamy, strong/curvy/in shape not the bitchy, overly skinny and pale, petty shell of a person I have become. I have gained 12 lbs so far which does suck but whatever. I want to see color back in my face. That has long been a tell tale sign to myself and probably why I just pretend to not care what I look like and avoid looking in the mirror embracing the disgusting mom look. It makes me so sad to where I am now BUT I see my old pre adderall self in my daughters and am learning to relove myself through them. I just have to keep moving forward and not backward. I haven’t officially cut off my doctor but am going to work with my new natural doc to do so. And I have emailed my doctor so many times recently for a lost script or whatever after I have tossed it so I am out of times to email for a new script. And my husband would be devastated. As would I with myself. It’s just getting through 30 days no adderall. I need to do it. It’s just so fucking hard. And I’m so ashamed of being here. Thank you for your support and help <3 I am going to bed to get my 8 hours!

I know this is an old post but thank you for this. Watching it now to get through this damn paws.

Yep, exactly.